25. Safe Landing #2
My throat constricts, and my eyes sting with tears begging to fall. I don’t want to let them. I’ve given Kevin far too many.
“It started to feel good. I was…” Heat floods my face, clawing its way to the tips of my ears.
“Getting vocal. Making noises.” My vision blurs and Garrett presses his lips to the crown of my head.
“He flipped me over suddenly and right before he pushed back inside me, he told me…he told me to scream for them.”
“Them?”
Tears tip over the edge of my lids and free-fall down my cheeks as I’m flooded with memories, as I tell Garrett about the way the door to Kevin’s bedroom sprung open just as I called his name, how half of the football team stood on the other side, phones pointed at us while they laughed and cheered Kevin on while he finished.
The way Kevin smacked my ass when he was done, told me it was no big deal, how he left me there to clean myself up, and then watched me leave while he stood in his kitchen, drinking beer and laughing with his friends.
I slap at my cheeks, trying to swipe my tears away, but it’s no use.
They keep falling as I tell him how Kevin wouldn’t return my calls the next day, how I walked through the halls at school on Monday and listened to my own moans being played back to me from everyone’s phones, how I found my boyfriend standing at his locker with his arm around my best friend, all the people I had considered friends surrounding them, laughing at me.
“I lost my virginity, my boyfriend, my friends, and everything else that mattered in one night. He took everything from me, Garrett, worst of all, my pride.” The words are strangled as I rub my eyes, and Garrett pulls me tight to him.
“By Monday night, there were videos all over the internet. You couldn’t see my body, but you could hear…
everything . Carter Beckett’s little sister’s sex tape,” I murmur, remembering the headlines of the gossip articles, the ones Carter’s PR team still works to take down every now and again when they pop up.
“I told you it’d been years since I’d had sex. What I didn’t tell you was it only happened once. I wanted to.” God, how I wanted to. So badly, I craved an intimate connection. “But I was too scared. Too scared to trust someone again. I let him steal that from me.”
Garrett curses under his breath, fingertips biting into my skin. “I should’ve put him through the fucking floor.”
“Carter took care of him. He flew home the next morning, stormed through the parking lot at school, found Kevin standing around his car, and didn’t stop until I begged him to.”
Carter is a lot of things, but he’s the best brother anyone could ask for.
As soon as his eyes met mine, when he found me sobbing, needing him, his entire face softened.
He stood up, broke the phone of the person nearby who was videotaping, gave Kevin one final warning, then wrapped me in his arms and took me home.
“I finished the semester, took my exams, and never went back. Carter sent me and my mom on a long trip, and the next fall I finished my diploma online. That’s why I’m a year behind.
I should’ve finished my degree last year, but I needed time.
Time I probably should’ve taken after my dad passed, rather than throwing myself into a relationship that left me feeling empty, like a shell of the person I had once been so proud to be. ”
“Are you proud of who you are now?”
“I want to be, but sometimes I’m not even sure who that is anymore.”
Garrett smiles gently. “I know who you are, Jennie. You’re a dedicated friend, sister, and dancer.
You’re hardworking, competitive, and you always strive to be better than you were the day before.
You’re committed and loyal to the people you care about, even though not everyone has been loyal to you.
You’re sassy and sarcastic, and you don’t hesitate to clap back most of the time, shut everyone up and put us all in our place. ”
He picks up a wayward lock of hair, letting it slip between his fingers before he tucks it behind my ear, letting his knuckles graze my cheekbone.
“But you have a quiet side too. A side that craves downtime, that likes to snuggle in bed and whisper about the best and worst parts of your days. You overanalyze everything because you think about every possible ending. You hate that you do, but you care too much about what people who don’t matter think about you.
You have a big heart, and you cry at every single Disney movie, even the parts that aren’t sad, because all that love hits you hard.
You’re a secret softie, but you like everyone to think you’re a little bit scary, that you’re unshakable.
“But here’s the thing, Jennie. You don’t have to be strong and confident all the time. You’re allowed to have insecurities, to be afraid, to feel lonely. Those things don’t make you weak; they make you human.”
His thumb traps a tear that drips down my cheek.
“I hope you’re proud of yourself, but if you’re not, know that I am.
I’ve watched you take step after step, learning to trust me and open up to me even though everything inside you probably begs you not to.
” His eyes rake over me, like they’re cataloging every passing emotion.
“I’m sorry somebody was so careless with your heart. Thank you for trusting me with this.”
I fiddle with a loose string on the hem of his shirt. “Sometimes my brain tells me not to trust you, but I’m learning not to listen to it.”
He captures my chin, forcing my gaze back to his. “I’m not like them. I care about you, and when you’re hurting, I’m hurting. So whatever I need to do to show you that you can trust me, I’ll do it. I want you to feel safe with me, Jennie.”
I look at the way our fingers lace together, and I know without a doubt I’ve never felt safer than I do with him.
“I do feel safe with you. That’s why I came back.
I wanted to share this with you. But that doesn’t mean putting my trust in someone new is easy.
It’s scary, not knowing how this ends, the thought that I might get hurt again. ”
He squeezes my hand, smiling tenderly. “Blind leap of faith? Promise I’ll catch you.”
“Honestly? It doesn’t feel so blind right now.”
The pad of his thumb skates across my bottom lip. “I know your walls are there for a reason. All I ask is that every once in a while you let me in and show me around. I’ll hold your hand while you do it, and I promise I won’t let go.”
In lieu of words I can’t find, I climb onto his lap and wrap my arms around his neck, snuggling into him as his hand runs up and down my back.
This entire time I’ve been thinking I can’t have him. That this is temporary. Garrett’s empathy, his unending patience with me, it’s something I’m not used to finding. I may be scared to let people in, but he’s the only person who’s stayed long enough, tried hard enough to wiggle in.
I don’t know how or why, but something inside me settles when I’m with him. I remember who I am, not who I tell myself I need to be. So would it be foolish of me to want to try? To see if this, us…if we could work? Would he want that? Would he be willing to try?
The question is on the tip of my tongue, but the insecurities and fears that don’t disappear overnight, the exhaustion stealing every ounce of my energy, they keep me from asking. The last thing I remember before my eyes close is Garrett’s lips at my ear as he promises I’m safe with him.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been asleep when I wake to his fingers fluttering over my cheek, coaxing my heavy lids open. I find his gentle smile waiting for me as he crouches in front of me.
“I’m sorry to wake you.” He frowns, like he’s not sure of his next words. “Your brother’s on the way over.”
My eyes shut again with a groan. My head is in agony, desperate for rest. I can’t handle Carter’s worries today.
Garrett’s thumb sweeps the sensitive skin below my eyes. “It’s okay. There were a couple pictures of what happened at the theater yesterday. Carter called because you weren’t answering.”
“I didn’t bring my phone. What did you say?”
“I was honest.” He shrugs. “As honest as I could be without risking my balls, at least. I told him what happened, that we left and you went home upset. I said you came back this morning because you needed someone to talk to, and you fell asleep afterward. All he cares about is you, Jennie. He wanted to make sure you were safe. I told him you were still here, and he said he was on his way.”
“If he knows I was sleeping, then I can go back to sleep, right?”
“You sure can, sunshine.” His eyes drop to his hand as he plays with the strings of his hoodie, the one I’m still wearing. “You can keep it on if you want.”
I want to, but I can’t, so I let Garrett peel it off, leaving me in my T-shirt before he tucks the blanket back around my shoulders.
I grip his shirt, tugging him back to me. “Kiss me, please.”
He does, long and deep, warm hands on my face before he whispers a “Sweet dreams” against my lips and pulls away.
It’s not long before knocking on the door wakes me.
Knocking is the wrong word. It starts that way but quickly spirals to slapping and knob-jiggling, Carter’s irritating voice chanting, “Gare. Gare. Gare.”
I direct my brain to sleep through this, ignore the onslaught of questions. But even without seeing him, his presence is overpowering.
“Where is she? Is she okay?”
“She’s okay,” Garrett whispers. “She’s sleeping still.”
“What did he say?” Carter demands. “Did he fucking touch her?”
I tune out the conversation, but my eyes flutter open when a pair of soft hands land on my face, and Olivia’s smiling face comes into view.
“Hi. I brought you a cinnamon bun cappuccino.”
I manage to sit up, rubbing at my eyes with my fists. “You came with Carter? Why?”
A flash of hurt dances in her dark eyes. “Because you’re my sister, one of my best friends, and I love you. If you’re hurting, I don’t want you to do it alone.” Her arms come around me, a suffocating, wonderful hug. “We’re stronger together, Jennie.”
My heart thumps at the promise, the love, and I jump when her stomach kicks against mine. I pull back, looking at her round belly. “Holy shit. What the fuck was that?”
Olivia smiles. “Your niece or nephew saying hi to their aunt.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Carter whines, marching across the living room. “Jennie felt him move?”
“Or her,” Olivia mutters. “Baby Beckett loves Auntie Jennie.”
I squeeze her hands. “Thank you for coming.”
Carter sweeps me off the couch and crushes me against his chest, my feet dangling above the floor. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“I’m okay,” I remind him, the words muffled by his shoulder. “Garrett was there.”
“It should’ve been me.”
Carter was born a protector. It’s part of what makes him a good leader, an amazing captain. His team is his family, and he won’t let anybody touch them. It also makes him an incredible brother, even if a little—or a lot—overbearing at times.
But when our dad passed, when Carter put taking care of me and my mom above taking care of himself, and when my boyfriend and friends broke my heart?
It pushed him to a whole new level. He struggles with guilt, believing he failed at protecting me, and now he’s hell-bent on keeping me safe from heartache.
I get it, I really do. But he couldn’t protect me then, and he can’t protect me now. Hearts break and people get hurt. It’s inevitable, and it’s unrealistic for him to think he might be able to keep me safe forever.
But now, as I meet Garrett’s stare over Carter’s shoulder, I’m painfully aware that there’s one heartbreak I never want to experience, one person I never want to lose, and right now, he’s wearing a gentle, patient smile all for me.
So do I keep allowing fear to tighten its grip on me, to control my life?
Or do I take Garrett’s hand and ask him to jump with me?