Chapter 6
Chapter Six
Emilia
Walking back to my house with Ciarán was magical. I know my sister and Kali were with us…but whenever Ciarán would say something to me? It was like it was just the two of us.
After Ciarán left, Courtney and I stayed up talking with Kali. She’s going to be staying with us for a couple of weeks. As much as I’m hurting, I can’t even imagine how she’s feeling.
“Morning,” I hear Kali say as she comes into the kitchen.
“Hey, morning. You hungry? I was about to make some eggs and corned beef hash.”
“That sounds yummy. Can I help?”
“Sure, if you could chop the potatoes that would be a lot of help.”
We work in silence for a little while.
“Can I ask you something?” Kali asks softly.
“Of course.”
“Do you love John?”
I stop and look at her.
“I did. Or I thought I did. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. But I know I cared about him a lot.”
“Did he say he loved you?”
I nod. “I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make this easier on you.”
“You know that none of this is your fault, right? Even if I wanted to blame you, I can’t. John is the one who made the decision to do this to us,” Kali says.
“I know, but I still feel like I should’ve questioned more. Like why he didn’t want me to come to his apartment. And the trips he took back home, he didn’t want me to go. In fact, I’ve never talked to his mom or dad. He always had some excuse about me meeting them, even on video.”
“Did your family meet him?”
“They did. They visited a few months ago. I don’t know how to tell them what he did. I feel so dumb.”
“Please don’t feel that way. I mean, I know that’s easier said than done. Because I feel that way too. But we have to keep telling ourselves that it was him. Not us.”
I know Kali is right and I’m grateful that she’s such a sweet person. I wish neither of us had ever met John.
My phone chimes and I look down to see a text from Ciarán.
Ciarán: Morning beautiful
Emilia: Morning
Ciarán: What are your plans for today?
Emilia: I’m not sure. Are you leaving today?
Ciarán: No, we’re staying one more day. My sisters wanted to know if you and Courtney would like to spend the day with us
Emilia: We’d have to invite Kali too
Ciarán: Of course
Emilia: What would you like to do?
Ciarán: As long as I get to spend time with you, it doesn’t matter
Courtney’s staring at me.
“Is that Ciarán?” my sister asks, smiling at me.
“Maybe., I say as I stick my tongue out at her.
“You know it’s okay if you like him. You don’t owe John anything so if that’s why you’re hesitating? Stop.”
I sigh. “I’m just worried that I didn’t see what he was really like. What if I make that mistake again?”
“What does your gut tell you about Ciarán?”
“That he’s the one,” I say softly.
“Well for one? You never said that about John. In fact, I remember you saying that you felt like something was off. Now we know what that was. I like Ciarán and his family. I don’t think you’re wrong to like him.”
“But he’s leaving, and he doesn’t even live in the US. He lives in Ireland.”
“So what? People survive long-distance relationships all the time. There are these cool things called airplanes. They can take you both back and forth to each other.”
“Smartass.”
Courtney laughs as we clean up.
“Would you be okay with hanging out with Ciarán and his family today? He invited all three of us,” I say as Kali comes back into the kitchen.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude, you’re doing me such a huge favor already,” Kali answers.
“Of course. We can walk around town and have lunch somewhere. There’s a winery we could go to if everyone would be interested in something like that.”
“That sounds like fun. Ciarán seems like a really nice guy,” Kali smiles at me.
“I’ll be honest, I’ve never met anyone like him. And I love it and I’m scared at the same time.”
“I think after what we’ve been through? Any relationship that comes to us for a while will feel like that. But don’t give John that power. Fuck him,” Kali says to me.
Kali and Courtney are right. If I walk away from Ciarán because I’m scared then I’m giving John that power over me. That’s not going to happen.
Ciarán
“So are we seeing Emilia today?” Aisling asks me as we eat breakfast.
“She hasn’t answered me yet.” I laugh.
“Ugh. I want to get to know the woman who’s caught your eye,” she teases me.
“We’re only here for one more day…”
“So? You can come back and see her. Maybe ask her to come to Lake Renegade?”
“Isn’t it a little fast for that? I don’t want to scare her off.”
“I guess it depends on how she feels about you. And how you feel about her.”
“I feel like I need her around. I want to skip all the beginning stuff and just be with her. Is that weird?”
“No baby brother, that’s not weird. Da and Mam say that’s how they were when they met.”
“That’s how I felt when I met your Mamo, we were fifteen,” Daideó says as he walks into the room. “The moment I saw her I knew she was the one I wanted. I’ve never loved another woman like I love her.”
My sisters and I smile as we listen to our daideó. I love hearing him talk about his life. They’ve told us how much they fought to keep our da. But their parents refused to listen or help them. They thought about running away together. But they didn’t know how they would support themselves. So they did the best thing they could at the time. Da is so much happier now. I can see much of the pain that used to show on his face is gone. He seems lighter now.
“How did you know Mamo was the one for you? Did she feel the same?” áine asks.
“I did feel the same. But I didn’t know how to deal with those feelings. My parents weren’t the kind that hugged us and told us they loved us. I’m sure they did love us. But they just didn’t show it. All I knew was that in my heart I felt safe with your Daideó. He made me feel like nothing could ever hurt me,” Mamo says as she joins us.
“My parents were the same. They weren’t bad, they just weren’t very loving. And I promised myself that when I had a wife and family, I would show them how much I loved them. When we had to give your da up, I thought I failed at that. And I did things I’m not proud of. Somehow your Mamo forgave me for those things and I promised her that I would spend the rest of our lives making it up to her.”
“And he has. I’ve never doubted him. I knew why he did what he did and before you ask…yes. He was with other women. It was right after we had to give your da up and he was building the MC. Back then, it was part of the life. Women, drugs, drinking, all of it. When I found out about the women, I told him it was me or them. I knew that I could never take him away from the club. But the women? That could stop, it was a choice.”
“And the choice I made was to be faithful to my woman. The one who would have my back from that moment on. Our club is our family. And one you’ll all come to love and trust. But your wife or husband will be the more important person in your life. That’s how it should be. The club will never be more important than them,” Daideó says.
Listening to my grandparents talk makes me realize that’s how I feel about Emilia. Sure, I just met her. But there’s a connection there that I can’t explain. And I don’t want to ignore it.
Ciarán: Please say yes to spending time together today
Emilia: Yes. Did you have somewhere you wanted to go?
Ciarán: Nope, wherever you want to go is fine with us. Everyone is excited to see you
I don’t know why I can’t just say I want to see her. I know it’s what I feel. But I don’t want to scare her off.
Emilia: We could do a tour at the Grape Expectations Winery. And then have lunch at Big Bob's Barbecue
Ciarán: That sounds perfect. Should we come and pick you up? We have two rental cars
Emilia: Sure, whatever is easier. We can always meet you at the winery
Ciarán: We’ll come and pick you three up. What time?
Emilia: In an hour? That will give us enough time to get ready
Ciarán: We’ll see you in an hour
“We need to pick them up in an hour. Is that enough time for everyone?” I ask.
Everyone agrees and finishes eating. We’re out the door in forty-five minutes. Great timing considering there’s eight of us.