Chapter 22
DORI
Jami says nothing, but his heart beats harder against my cheek. I don’t know where my doubt is coming from.
I push back just enough to see his eyes. “What if something happens and our relationship gets stripped away? What if I do something to sabotage us?”
“Why are you thinking this way?” His eyes bore into mine, confusion filling them to the brim. “Does this have to do with you feeling like I’m not making you a priority?”
“No. I’m just terrified I’m going to lose you. What have I done other than cause you pain? I did it all last year, and I’m at it again.”
“How are you doing it now?”
“Just look at me Jami. You shared something incredibly intimate with me that’s supposed to bring us closer. And you know what popped into my head when you made the comment about the marks on my back?”
His brow furrows. “That I was too rough with you and didn’t care for you like I should have?”
“No.” I sit back on my knees so we’re eye to eye.
“I wondered how many other women you’ve done this with.
How did you know the bruises meant the rope was too tight?
I wanted to ask you where you learned it.
You had a life before me, and in a flash, I wanted to hurt you because I don’t want to know you’ve been with anyone but me. ”
“Okay, but you’re talking through it, just like your therapist asks you to do.”
“But it’s unfair for me to feel this way. I hurt you every time I went off with some other guy. And Hunter had to be the worst one because you were forced to work with him every day.”
“Dori, take a moment and check to see if you need to take your anxiety medication.”
I check in with myself. My therapist warned me of sudden mood shifts and explained I could spiral if I don’t work through my anxiety, so I asked Jami to point it out to me if he suspected it was happening.
My therapist prescribed medication to help me if my emotions get overwhelming. Jami’s reminder of that brings me down a level.
I take a deep breath. “It’s okay. I don’t think I need to take anything.”
“Okay. Just remember you have them if you need.”
“I know.”
“Dori, the feelings you’re experiencing are valid. Deep emotions can surface after a session like that, so maybe the timing wasn’t right.” His wary gaze scans my body. “You know what? I fucked up. You were upset today, and I thought this would bring us closer. It was my mistake.”
I gape at him. “Seriously? You’re taking responsibility for how I’ve been acting for the last week?”
He scoots off the bed and grabs a blanket off the back of a chair that sits in the corner of our room. Then he comes back to me and drapes it around my shoulders.
“Dori, I want to take care of you. If you’ve been upset over the last week, it’s my responsibility to be there for you to lean on. How I went about tonight was poor timing and lands on me.”
“And me calling Hunter today… Does that land on you too?”
Jami stands before me, running his palm down his face. He analyzes me for a moment then glances away.
I push harder. “When we started messing around, I asked you if you trusted me. The way you answered was like you knew in the back of your mind I would hurt you.”
His head whips back to me. “I said I trusted you with everything in me.”
“And then you added ‘please don’t break me’ like you’re waiting for it to happen.”
There’s a moment of silence as we spin in confusion. I want to be with him and love him more than anything, but what am I contributing to the relationship? Because I feel off, I’m taking it out on him and bringing him down.
He sits beside me and places his hand on my knee. “I’m not waiting for you to leave me, but I get scared just like you do.”
“How so?”
‘Earlier, you told me you don’t want to live like this and then proceeded to tell me you talked with Hunter, and you’re going to Denver tomorrow. It stung, and my insecurities showed themselves.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“That a life with me isn’t what you want after all. I worry I’m not enough for you. I’m scared you don’t want what I want. You’ve been struggling, and I haven't been as present with you as I should be. I fear I’m letting you down.”
“You’re more than enough for me, and I’ll want a life with you until the day I die. My feelings have nothing to do with you.” My chest grows heavy. “I just need to fix things with Aiden and find a job. I don’t want to become my mother. ”
“Is that what your sadness is about?” He peers into my eyes as he runs his thumb over my knee.
“Yes. I’m turning into her.”
“That’s not possible.”
“It is. I’m living off your support, and I’m doing things like calling my ex-boyfriend because I’m lonely and need someone to stroke my ego. My brother has cut ties with me, and I have nothing to show for myself. If that doesn’t sound like my mother, what does?”
“I didn’t know you were feeling like this.”
I push off the bed, wrapping the blanket around me. “How could you? I’ve been shoving it down and ignoring it.”
He narrows his eyes. “Are you still going to therapy?”
My cheeks heat. “Yes, but I’ve canceled the last two times.”
“So you haven’t talked to anyone about this for at least two weeks? You went through something traumatic. Why would you cancel?”
“I don’t know. I want to go, but I don’t see what good it’s going to do.”
His brows shoot up. “How can you say that? Therapy has gotten you where you are today.”
My stomach twists. “But nobody wants to help me find Sasha, and that’s the other huge issue I keep focusing on.”
“Sasha is a minor. It’s not that people don’t want you to find her. It’s because she has rights and needs to be protected due to her age.”
I shake my head and wrap my blanket tighter. “If I can’t help her and the other parts of my life are broken, I don’t know what good I am.”
“That’s what therapy is for, Dori.” He softens his stance. “Do you see how your old habits of running from things and ignoring them are creeping back into your life?”
I coil into myself. “Yes, that’s why I brought it up. I don’t want to ruin what we have between us, but this thing with Aiden and my job are eating me up. I need a resolution.”
He stands and takes me in his arms. “Let’s focus on one thing at a time. I want you to be happy, so that means I’ll help any way I can.”
He holds me as the silence surrounds us. It’s not him and our life together that has me feeling down. It’s the fact I have nothing to show for myself. I think about what my therapist would say, and a thought about tonight comes to mind.
I pull away and gesture to the bed. “Can we sit and talk for a while?”
“Of course.” He gets situated, leaning against the headboard. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
I crawl to the center of the bed next to his elongated legs. “I’m sorry I called Hunter today. My intention wasn’t to restart anything with him. I was thinking about how to get the money back to him, and I used that as an excuse.”
“Why haven’t you told me about the money until now?”
“I want to give it back. There’s no way I’m keeping it. I already feel like I owe him something by having it, and I hate it.”
“And he refuses to take it back?”
“Yes.” I growl in frustration. “Do you think you could help me come up with a plan on how to return it?”
“Sure. I need a minute to think about it, but we’ll come up with something.” He reaches over and rubs my knee. “Before I focus on that, I need to know something.”
“What?”
He tilts his head, his gaze swirling with questions. “Honestly, are you happy here?”
I take a moment to consider that seriously. My mood has nothing to do with being here or being with him. It has everything to do with how my life looks a lot like my mom’s did at my age. I visibly shudder at the thought.
His expression falls. “It’s okay. I understand. ”
“No. My reaction had nothing to do with you. I was just thinking how much my life resembles my mother’s life at this age. I can’t be like her.”
Relief washes over him. “So we’re okay?”
“We’re more than okay. I just worry if I don’t change something now, I’ll push you away. When I hung up with Hunter, I felt guilty immediately. It was a wake-up call that if I don’t get my shit together, I’m going to mess up this relationship.”
He nods and squeezes my leg. “I’m sorry you’re lonely. I’ll do better to make sure we go out and meet people.”
“Thanks, but I need to find things to do on my own. I’ve been focusing on my job and Aiden, so I haven’t been in the mood to socialize.”
“That’s understandable, but I still want to take you out more. We live in a beautiful city, and I’ve yet to take you for a night out on the town.”
My laugh barrels out. “Jami, you hate going clubbing. You’d rather stick forks in your ears.”
He shrugs as a smile creeps from the corners of his mouth. “You’re not wrong, but I have a contract with the best hospitality group in the world. The least I could do is take you to one of their clubs.”
I envision Melanie and me dancing as Jami and his friends talk business on the sideline. Excitement bubbles up in me. I can’t deny I could use a night out with them, living it up and letting go of my heavy emotions.
“You’re right. When I get back from Denver, take me out. But make sure Melanie goes with us.”
“Done. I’ll make it a night you won’t forget.” His eyes fill with desire. “Maybe on one of our dates, I could take you to one of Mateo’s sex clubs.”
My mouth falls open. “I’m not sure I’m up for something like that. Melanie would be. Me, I’m not so sure. ”
“Let me ask you something. Did you enjoy what we did tonight?” Jami studies me like he’s searching for my soul.
“I did. Why?”
“You asked me earlier what attracted me to Shibari, and we got sidetracked. But I want to explain it to you. I stumbled onto it at one of Mateo’s clubs.”
My pulse speeds up as my jealousy flares. “You’ve been to his sex clubs?”
Jami swallows hard. Maybe sharing his past with me isn’t what either of us wants.
He bites the corner of his lip before he answers, “I have, but hear me out before you judge.”
I take a calming breath. “Fine, but I don’t want to know the details.”
“Fair enough. That’s not where I was going with this anyway.”
“That’s a good thing.”
“The point is, they were doing an exhibition, teaching people about different things that are offered. I thought Shibari was fascinating, so I started looking into it. Let’s just say there’s a lot more we could explore. And if it’s done right, we could have a lot of fun.”
“Are you saying you want to have sex with other people?”
“No, not at all. Sex clubs aren’t all about that. Sure, they have that there, but they offer things for couples to explore that have nothing to do with sharing.”
My cheeks heat. “Such as?”
“Things we may not think of.” He gazes up for a moment, as though considering it. His eyes come back to mine. “Have you ever heard of tantric breathing?”
“A little, but I don’t really understand it.”
“That’s the stuff I’m talking about. I only want our sex life to include me and you, but there are so many other things out there we could try. It doesn’t have to be wild or an everyday occurrence. Just something we add when we want to spice it up.”
I fiddle with the edge of the blanket that’s around me. “Do you think sex with me is boring?”
His eyes go wide, and he pulls me into his chest. “Not at all. I think it’s mind blowing. The best I’ve ever had.”
“Then why add more to it when we’ve only been together for a short while?”
“We don’t have to do more. I just brought it up because seeing you tied up and handing your trust over to me, knowing I’d take care of you, made me feel connected to you in a way I can’t explain.”
“So because you feel close to me, that’s why you want to do things like that?”
“Exactly. There’s a lot of trust that goes into a Shibari session, and we need to communicate a lot during the process. I love having that connection with you. Plus, you look hot as fuck tied in ropes.”
I laugh and push out of his arms. “But you like having control in the bedroom, right?”
“I do.”
“Why?”
“It goes back to trust. If you give me control, you trust me. When I listen to you and stop when you use your safe word, you learn to trust me more. The truth is, you’re the one with all the power in the situation, and that’s a spectacular gift when you hand it over to me.”
“Hmm. I’ve never thought about it that way.” I glance down to hide my heated cheeks. “It’s interesting. I like knowing you enjoy it because I have power over you.”
He lifts my chin with two of his fingers. “There’s nothing wrong with admitting that. It’s exciting. And I’m sure a little liberating for you.”
“What do you mean? ”
“You’ve always struggled to trust yourself with what you want and how you feel. Stepping into the part of yourself that holds all the power can help you in other parts of your life just by simply owning it.”
I let that statement linger in my mind as I snuggle up to Jami’s side. Maybe he’s right. I would like to own my power and trust myself more. It’s fascinating that awareness came from having sex and discussing Jami’s interests in the bedroom.
He twists to find my eyes. “Did that just come across as mansplaining?”
“No. Why?”
“Because you got quiet. I thought you might be… I don’t know. It was just another insecurity of mine surfacing.”
I pat his chest. “You have nothing to be insecure about.”
“I’m not insecure about most things, but when it comes to you, I want to get it right.” He huffs out a laugh. “I’ve been known to fuck things up with you on more than one occasion.”
“Let’s just keep talking about things as they come up, and we’ll be good.”
“There’s still the issue of Aiden. He might not ever be okay with our relationship.”
My stomach fills with anxious dread. “I know.”
“You want him in your life, and being with me might prevent that. If he doesn’t come around and accept us, where does that leave us?”
“He won’t stop me from being with you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I take a deep breath. “I’m upset that he’s making this about how we betrayed him, when the truth is this strain between us is because of him. He let my dad run his life and did all of his wrongdoings for money. That’s the part I can’t get over. ”
Jami and I sit with that for a moment.
He jumps out of bed, his eyes beaming with excitement. “Dori, I have an idea. If it works, it will fix everything.”