Chapter 30
DORI
Jami’s confession is like a slap in the face. “Are you saying you don’t trust me to keep your heart safe?”
He runs his palm down his face and sighs. “No. I’m saying you already have enough on your plate. You don’t need me piling on.”
“Let me be the one to decide if I have too much to deal with. How you feel is important to me.”
He huffs in frustration and treks inside. I stand with my mouth hanging open.
Why can’t he talk to me about this?
I follow him into the entertainment area. He rounds the bar and takes a glass off the shelf along with a bottle of scotch.
He hasn’t shut down like this on me since we first started to explore our relationship, and I’m not about to let us backslide. We’ve worked too hard to get here.
His defenses are up, so I decide to change my approach. One way or another, I will get him to open up to me and admit his truth.
“While you’re getting yourself a drink, would you please pour me a glass of wine?” I slide onto a stool on the other side of the bar. “We’re going to talk about this over a cocktail. Any questions?”
He stills himself and stares at me across the counter. “What do you want me to say? You already know I want a baby. That’s nothing new.”
“There. That wasn’t too hard now, was it?” I toss him a teasing grin. “I’m not going to fight with you, but we are going to have a long talk about this.”
He shakes his head and smirks. “You always get what you want. I don’t know why I thought I stood a chance.”
“Come on, stud. You always stand a chance. I’m here, aren’t I?”
He rolls his eyes as he tries to hide a smile. “We really need to talk about that nickname. I never agreed to it.”
“We can discuss it after you tell me how you feel about kids.”
“Why now?”
“Because it’s important.”
“Then say what you need to say. I’m listening”
“Melanie pointed out to me today that when you hold me, you rest your hands on my stomach. And I saw the way you were looking at Avery today. There’s something there, but I need you to communicate with me about it so I understand.”
“Fine. Let me fix our drinks first.”
“Perfect.”
He takes a moment of silence as he pours me some wine and himself a scotch. He slides my drink to me, then raises his glass to me.
“Here’s to transparency.”
I lift my glass and tap it with his. “To transparency and to making our relationship work.”
“I’ll definitely drink to that.”
We take a sip and settle in for a long overdue conversation.
He rests against the bar, circling the liquid around in his glass. “Ever since I got shot, I’ve had these fleeting thoughts about getting you pregnant.”
My eyes widen. “That’s a long time to keep that from me.”
“We’ve had a few other issues that took precedence. I didn’t think it was right to bring it up while you were dealing with moving and getting abducted. Hell, there’s a list of reasons why I didn’t think it was appropriate.”
“Those are valid reasons, but we’re getting married, and this is a huge topic.”
“I know, but there never seems to be a good time.”
“That’s why we're doing this now.” I motion to him. “So what are these thoughts you’re having?”
He shrugs. “They’re not just thoughts. Sometimes I dream about getting you pregnant, but they usually come to me while we’re having sex. It’s a strange feeling that takes over. It’s like a primal need to get you pregnant. It turns me on like crazy.”
“You’re turned on by thoughts of getting me pregnant?”
“Yeah. Images of your belly swollen with my kid inside turns me on more than anything.” He takes a sip of his scotch while giving me time to come to terms with that.
I let the thought roll around in my head while trying to identify how I feel about his disclosure. Getting pregnant doesn’t freak me out like it used to. I already came to that conclusion today, so this isn’t the uncomfortable conversation it would’ve been if it scared me.
He breaks into my thoughts. “Look, I’ve already told you I won’t force you to carry my babies. I know that’s too much for you.”
“Jami, we haven’t talked about it since we first got together. How do you know what I think about it now?”
He places his glass down. “What are you saying?”
“Melanie asked me about having kids today. For the first time since I lost our baby, I didn’t want to run and hide. I was calm about it.”
He rounds the bar and sits beside me, turning my stool so we’re face-to-face. “And you were so brave today when you told Tera about our loss. I was proud of you for expressing yourself so well.”
“It’s still painful, and I think it always will be, but I’m rethinking my decision about carrying our child.”
His eyes shut, and his entire body relaxes.
Wow. Me having his babies is way more important to him than he’s let on.
I wait for him to open his eyes.
Seconds later, they do. “I know you’re not saying you’ve changed your mind, but hearing you say you're considering it means the world to me.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why is it so important to you it’s me who carries our child? You told me you’re okay with surrogacy, but I’m not so sure you are.”
He takes my hands in his. “I want to be clear. I am fine with surrogacy, but the thought of caring for you while your stomach grows makes me have these intense feelings of connection with you. It’s like I’ll be a part of the experience.”
“Because you want to be close to your family from the start.” I squeeze his hands, finally understanding where he’s coming from.
“Exactly. I want to go to sleep next to the two most important people in my life. I want to wake up and hug you both and talk to your belly so the baby knows who I am the day it’s born.
Every stage of pregnancy, from helping you through morning sickness, the first time it kicks, to the birth, I want to be there. ”
My heart fills with warmth at his sentiment. How could I be so blind to his needs? He has no family left.
Once I marry him, it’s only me. I can’t deprive him of something so profound and innate as him wanting to bond with his child and let it know he loves it from the time it starts developing.
He’s gone through so much for me, and I love him with every cell in my body. Agreeing to this would allow me to give to him what he gives to me. Unwavering belief and trust in us. Love that is unstoppable and deeply intertwined. It’s the ultimate gift.
I slide off my stool and climb into his lap, straddling him. “I have an appointment this week with my new doctor, so I’ll talk to her then to see if it’s even possible. But I want to have your babies grow inside me. If my body cooperates, I want to try to get pregnant again.”
He grips the back of my head and kisses me hard. I don’t need to hear the words. He’s telling me everything I need to know with his body. With my willingness to try for him, I’ve made him the happiest man alive.
He carries me to our room moments later so we can celebrate in our favorite way.
I just hope my body doesn't let him down.
I snap my seat belt on and suck in a shaky breath. My nerves are messing with me today, but I had a therapy session about getting pregnant again, and she warned me this could happen.
Jami revs the engine and pulls out of our parking garage. “You’re quiet today. Are you okay?”
“Um-hmm. Just trying to stay calm.”
“Remember, I’m here for you. And no matter what she says, I support you. Your health comes first, and that includes your mental health.”
“Thank you for coming with me today.” I place my hand on his thigh .
He rests his hand over mine. “I want to be with you, so there’s no need to thank me.”
We drive to my doctor's appointment, discussing meaningless topics like the weather and what we’re doing for my birthday on Saturday. I wish I could say I’m giving all my attention to Jami and our talk, but my mind is spinning.
I could be letting Jami down in the worst way possible if we don’t get the news we want. If that happens, how will he feel about me? Will he truly be okay with a surrogate if that’s the route we have to take? Will I be enough for him?
He parks the car, and we go up to the office to learn our fate. Anxiety snakes up my spine more than once as I fill out all the paperwork. Once that’s done, we wait.
I’m called in a few minutes later, and Jami comes in with me, squeezing my hand as we walk down the proverbial green mile.
We get into the room where I undress and get ready for my appointment. I push up onto the examination table as Jami sits in a chair off to the side.
He scans the room. “This office is a lot like your other doctor’s office.”
“It is. Hopefully, we won’t be crying in each other’s arms like we were the last time you came to one of these.”
He comes to my side and takes me into a hug. “I’ve got you, no matter what. If we’re crying, then we’re crying, but we’ll get through anything we’re told together.”
I sink into his embrace. The doctor comes in, so we break away and give her our full attention.
“Hi, I’m Dr. Maddox. You must be Dori.” She holds out her hand.
I shake it. “That’s me. This is my fiancé, Jamison Stone.”
“It’s nice to meet you both.” She shakes Jami’s hand. “Let me pull up a chair, and we’ll go over any questions you have. Then we can proceed with an examination. Does that sound good? ”
Jami and I nod. His jaw is tight, and he takes in everything she’s doing like he’s inspecting her under a microscope. We may be the most uptight couple she’s ever had to deal with.
She pulls a stool out from under a small desk and sits so she’s speaking to both of us. I appreciate that because Jami’s an equal participant. My anxiety level drops a tiny amount.
She scans a medical chart she’s holding. “I see here you have some questions about trying to conceive. Tell me more about that.”
My heart thuds against my ribs. “We want to have a family, but I’ve miscarried twice. One of those times was an ectopic pregnancy, and the other was a late-term miscarriage. I was sixteen weeks along.”
“I can see why you would be concerned with your history. Let me assure you, many women experience loss and go on to have successful pregnancies.” Her gaze slides between Jami and me.
He’s almost frozen. I’m not sure he’s breathing, and I’m right there with him.
I swallow down my reservations. “The last time I was pregnant, I was told I have endometriosis, so we wanted to come here today to find out how that affects our chances. We thought you might be able to give us more information about my personal issues.”
“I saw that in your records. Your previous doctor already sent your complete history when she transferred you to me. I’ll be doing an examination today and can give you a better answer to your questions after I see what’s going on for myself.”
She addresses Jami. “Do you have any questions?”
He straightens his back. “If you say she can try to get pregnant, I just want to know that she’s not in any danger. If she’s at risk for problems that could hurt her, I want to know. That’s my primary concern.”
“I’ll make sure she’s healthy enough to conceive.” She looks at me. “From what I’ve seen in your records and by your appearance, you seem healthy, but I’ll confirm that with a blood test and a pap smear.”
I nod. “Sounds good.”
She asks us if we have any other questions. When we don’t, she does a thorough exam. As she examines me, she takes her time and tells us what she’s doing and why. Her bedside manner puts me at ease.
I think it does with Jami too because his jaw relaxes, and his breathing returns to normal. When the physical part is over, I sit up and wait for the news we came here for.
She leans against the counter and gives us her attention. “Everything is as your records indicate. You have endometriosis, which could complicate conception, but that’s not always the case.”
Jami interjects. “Does that make it more difficult to carry a pregnancy to term?”
“Not necessarily. If she conceives, she’ll be considered high risk because of her history, so we’ll be monitoring her closely.
I always tell my patients one step at a time.
” She brings her gaze to me. “If you want to have a better chance of conception and carrying to term, I suggest you take your IUD out sooner rather than later.”
“Wow. Okay, I wasn’t expecting you to say that today.” I clasp my hands together so she can’t see them trembling.
She continues. “Endometriosis can worsen over time, and that can decrease your chances.”
My stomach twists. “What’s the time frame to get it taken out? I mean, if I want to increase my odds, how soon should I remove it?”
Her expression grows serious. “I would recommend you do it today, but I understand if you need time to discuss it with your partner.”
Holy hell.
Today ?
I peek over at Jami. “What’s your opinion?”
He doesn’t hesitate. “I say you get it taken out. We’ve already talked about what we want. If it’s better to start now, then I say we do it.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
The truth of what I want comes down to this moment, and I’m about to jump off the table and run.