Chapter 6
6
This was a disaster. She was a disaster. It had been so long since she’d been to a social occasion that Maggie had completely forgotten how to behave like a normal, well-adjusted, sane person. She was sitting here like the proverbial deer in the headlights, frozen in terror simply because a perfectly nice, well-meaning woman had asked her why she’d moved to Starr’s Fall. What was wrong with her?
It didn’t help her struggling sense of composure that Zach was sitting next to her, looking amazing and smelling like a pine tree. He was wearing an unbuttoned plaid shirt layered over a forest-green t-shirt, with faded jeans tucked into well-used hiking boots, and the casual ensemble suited him perfectly. Since she’d arrived, he’d slid her several simmering sort of looks that made everything in her turn both hot and watery. Her physical reaction to him was both overwhelming and alarming, and she wasn’t sure she could just chalk it up to the fact that he was gorgeous. She felt his presence on a visceral level… But no. She was being ridiculous. It was just that it had been so long since she’d had any male attention. So long since she’d felt that inward yearning for a look, a touch… Far longer, she knew, than since Matt’s death.
Stop, Maggie . She really needed to say something now .
“Umm…” Her voice wobbled, which was seriously embarrassing. “That’s a really good question, actually.”
Jenna raised her eyebrows, seeming a bit bemused by Maggie’s obvious nerves. She glanced at Ben, who was looking guarded. Maggie knew she could not put him on the spot by explaining everything, but she felt she had to say at least some of it. “My husband, Ben’s dad, he died a little over a year ago.” She rushed on, over the expected murmur of sympathies. “Ben and I were up for a change, and we really liked Starr’s Fall,” she stated as firmly as she could. “We went here on vacation a couple of times, and it just seemed like such a… great town. And we thought it would be a good place to start a boardgame café. So… we decided to move.”
A short silence followed this fairly anodyne statement, full of generic ideas and no real information besides the fact that she was a widow, and now everyone was going to feel sorry for them both, which was something she knew neither she nor Ben had wanted.
“Well, I certainly understand about wanting a change,” Laurie finally said and handed her a plate with a piece of lasagna.
“Thanks,” Maggie mumbled and took it before looking down at her lap. She needed to get a grip, but the truth was she just wasn’t sure how. Then she felt a touch against her ankle, gentle yet purposeful, sending sparks all the way up her leg, and she glimpsed Zach’s work boot nudging her own under the table. Was he playing footsie with her?
She looked up and saw him smiling at her, his blue-green eyes full of warmth rather than the expected flirtatious amusement. No, not footsie, she realized, just a little nudge of solidarity. She smiled, or tried to, but she still felt like a jumble of rusted parts rather than anything sensible or even sentient. She really needed to remember how to operate in the land of the living, and quickly. And yes, her leg was still tingling from that little nudge of Zach’s. Her reaction to this man was seriously unsettling.
A silence stretched on for a few uncomfortable seconds before Jenna asked Joshua something about the bookstore he ran, and whether he was getting in the latest thriller, and they bantered good-naturedly about the merits of him stocking it. Maggie and her awkwardness had been forgotten, which was a good thing, even if she felt semi-abandoned and was desperately wishing she was capable of handling this whole evening better.
“So,” Zach asked her as the others continued their spirited debate, “that must have been some vacation, for you to up and move here.”
She blinked at him, having to reorient herself because frankly he was simply too dazzling to look at. Who had hair that movie star shade of dirty blond, bright gold at the tips? Or eyes the color of the Caribbean? Or…
Talk, Maggie .
“Yes, it was,” she told him with the same tone of manic brightness that she often used with Ben. “We first visited about five years ago and had a great time. Ben didn’t want to leave, and I promised we’d come back, and so we did two years ago.” For a second, she recalled Ben sitting by the lakeside, his head bent, his hands on his elbows. Mom, can we stay here forever? So much sadness in his voice, instead of the playful, little-boy wistfulness of before. She would have given him just about anything in that moment, and it turned out that she had.
“Where did you stay?” Zach asked, startling her out of her thoughts.
“Oh… we rented the same place each time. A little converted barn on the outskirts of town.” It had been cozy and sweet, almost like living in a dollhouse, compared to the huge house Matt had just bought for them that had felt so echoing and empty. “I think it was called Maple something,” she told Zach.
“Maple Leaf Farm,” he answered with a nod, before swallowing. “I know it. That’s a cute little place.”
Maggie let out a slightly shaky laugh. “I guess you know everywhere around here.”
“Pretty much.” He raked a hand through his hair, sliding it back from his forehead, his direct gaze making Maggie feel like shivering. She hoped he didn’t notice. She really needed to better control her reactions to him. “But I don’t know many other places,” he continued, “so I guess it’s a tradeoff.”
“Did you never move away,” she asked, “even for a little bit?”
He shook his head. “Discounting six months for college, nope.”
“Only six months?” she asked in surprise, before realizing how nosy an observation that was. Whatever happened to keep Zach from completing more of his college education was definitely not her business.
He seemed to think so too for he didn’t elaborate, merely confirmed with a nod. “Yep. Only six months.”
And let the awkward silence ensue , Maggie thought with an inward sigh. Again .
“How are the plans for the café coming?” Zach asked after a moment, and Maggie tried for a rueful smile, wanting to lighten the mood.
“Well, I’ve managed to spend several hours trying to understand the small business software I bought. I was never good at math so accounting definitely isn’t my strong suit, but you know… here’s hoping I learn some of it by osmosis. If I put the manual under my pillow, do you think it might transfer to my brain while I’m sleeping?”
He gave a lazy little chuckle. “If that were a thing, I would have definitely sailed through high school.” His laughing expression—eyes glinting, mouth curved—dropped as he asked more seriously, “And what about Ben?” He glanced beyond her to her son, who was silently and steadily working through his dinner, his head bent over his plate, seeming determined not to engage with anyone. “Are you going to the high school in Torrington, Ben?” Zach called over.
Maggie tensed instinctively. Ben stilled, looking hunted. A silence stretched on while Maggie waited for her son to speak, before she finally filled in as lightly as she could. “No, not just now. He’s doing school online for the moment. We’ll see about next year.”
Zach eyed them both consideringly, clearly finding the little exchange slightly weird, which it was. Ben did even worse in social situations than she did. These kind people must have wondered if they’d invited in a pair of complete losers, Maggie thought despondently. She had to find a way to rescue the evening, somehow.
“So, tell me,” she said to the whole table, her voice ringing out with overloud, forced jollity, “what do you guys do here for fun? I mean, in Starr’s Fall?” In case they thought she was making some kind of insinuation, she clarified hastily, “I mean, you know, as a leisure activity. Or hobby. Like, what is there to do …” She trailed off, realizing that her babbling had just made everything more awkward.
“Jeez, Mom,” Ben muttered under his breath.
“Well, there’s the hike up to Starr’s Fall,” Laurie ventured after a moment. “That’s a really fun thing to do.” She gave Joshua a loved-up, laughing glance which he returned; clearly there was some kind of heartwarming romantic story there.
“And the town has lots of things going on,” Jenna chimed in. “Joshua’s bookstore runs a book club, and I hope you’re going to join the Starr’s Fall Business Association?” She rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “Admittedly, that’s not exactly fun , but…”
“It is fun,” Laurie returned loyally.
“If you’re into Pilates, Elaine Barton runs a class in the church basement,” Jenna continued. “I’d say it’s great, but I haven’t ever been to it.” She grimaced good-naturedly. “But I will one day, I promise.”
“Okay.” She used to do Pilates, what felt like a million years ago, before Matt’s death. Maybe she’d do it again… if she could work up the nerve to walk into a room full of strangers. Maggie smiled at everyone, feeling slightly heartened by all the options. “Thanks. I look forward to getting involved.”
“And of course,” Zach chimed in, lounging back in his seat, “there will be even more events once you get the café going. You could have tournaments… classes…” He smiled at Ben. “Maybe even an RQ marathon.”
“RQ?” Laurie asked, wrinkling her nose.
“RainQuest,” Zach clarified with another smile aimed at Ben. “For those in the know.”
“Of course.” Laurie laughed, shaking her head. “RQ. Glad I know the lingo. Especially if you play.” She glanced at Joshua, who ducked his head.
“Only once in a while…”
Zach cocked his finger and thumb at him. “I’m checking out your stats online next time I play, MusicMan.”
Joshua laughed. “Go for it.”
Jenna shook her head in wonder. “I had no idea my brother was such a geek,” she remarked.
“Well, define geek,” Zach replied easily. “I prefer to call myself a connoisseur.” He smiled again at Ben, and Jenna blushed, realizing her mistake.
“Right…” she murmured, shooting Maggie an apologetic glance.
Maggie gave a small smile of acknowledgment back. Yes, gaming could be considered geeky, but it was what her son did, and in that moment she was so thankful that Zach had bailed him out, and in such gracious style. The swell of gratitude and even affection she felt toward him was a little alarming. It could so easily morph into some other strong emotion. One she had no intention of feeling for Zach Miller or anyone else. Not yet, and maybe not ever.
“More wine?” Joshua asked her with a smile, and he refilled her glass before she could respond. Had she already drunk a whole glass? Maggie couldn’t even remember, but now that she considered it, her head did feel like it was spinning. She glanced at Zach, who, by some spidey sense, felt her gaze and turned his head to meet it, smiling lazily.
That man was so, so dangerous.
Maggie reached for her wine. She didn’t need her head to spin any more than it already was, heaven knew, but it was something to do, and she craved the fortification.
The conversation had moved on, to a dissection of Starr’s Fall’s Christmas festivities, and some Winter Wonderland event that had gone better than expected, thanks to the Christmas tree lighting they’d been able to have for the first time in several years.
Maggie focused on her wine. Part of her longed to be part of this community, feel included and welcomed in as she was or at least could be, if she just let herself, because these people were so nice, but another part of her was already determinedly inching away. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t bear to be part of something, anything, ever again. It hurt too much; it carried too much risk. And she didn’t know how to, anyway.
And you don’t deserve to be.
She wasn’t able to silence that dark little whisper in time. She replaced her wine glass on the table a little too hard, and then she rose in one abrupt movement that had everyone startling and turning toward her.
“Maggie…?” Laurie asked in concern, her forehead furrowed.
“Sorry,” Maggie blurted. She had no idea what excuse to make, but she knew she needed to get out of there, just for a few minutes. She needed a breather… from life. Did those even exist?
“Mom…?” Ben prompted questioningly. He looked both concerned and annoyed. “Are you okay?”
“Sorry…” she said again, her mind both blank and racing. “Umm…”
“Are you looking for the bathroom?” Zach asked in his easy way. “I can show you where it is.”
Mechanically, Maggie nodded. “Yes… the bathroom. Thanks.”
As the silence stretched on, so clearly uncomfortable, she followed Zach out of the kitchen and up a narrow set of stairs to the hallway above.
“Thanks…” she began, only to have him turn to face her, taking her by the elbow and drawing her close.
“Are you okay?” he asked quietly. No flirtatious amusement now, no lazy smile. Just a genuine concern that Maggie knew she couldn’t handle.
“I…” She couldn’t think what to say. What to feel . His hand was still on her elbow, and he was close enough that their shoulders were brushing, and she could breathe in the scent of his aftershave, all of it making her head spin in a way that had nothing to do with the wine. She closed her eyes, wanting to say she was fine, but somehow she couldn’t find it in her to summon the words.
“Maggie…” His voice was low, sure, and kind . Gorgeous and nice. A lethal combination. It was too much to take all at once.
“I know I must seem like I’m crazy,” she whispered, her eyes still closed because she couldn’t bear to look at him while she made this confession. “It’s just… Ben and I… we’ve had a hard time. Matt… my husband… dying was a large part of it, of course, but there have been other things…” She swallowed hard. She couldn’t go into all that now. She didn’t know Zach Miller well enough, even if right now she weirdly felt as if she did. “We’re trying to come out of it,” she told him, “and moving to Starr’s Fall was part of that. But it’s… complicated.” She finally opened her eyes, her heart doing a somersault at the almost tender look on his face, which was very close to hers. So close that if she moved just a couple of inches, she could practically kiss him. Not that she should be thinking of kissing him, or kissing at all, right now, or ever …
But there was no doubt that this moment was morphing into something even more intimate than the confession she’d just given, and she already knew she couldn’t handle it.
Maggie tried to take a step back, but Zach was still holding her elbow, his fingers warm, his touch gentle yet sure… and very comforting as well as undeniably exciting.
“Yeah… I kind of guessed all that already, to be honest,” he told her as he smiled wryly. “I mean, the hard time and things being complicated. But are you okay right now ? Tonight, here? How can I help you? What do you need?”
What did she need ? Everything and nothing. Maggie swallowed hard. She’d have liked a hug, for starters, and maybe someone to tell her it was all going to be all right, in time. She’d love someone to reassure her that she was not messing up her son by pulling him out of school and moving to a place where he, already isolated and alone, knew no one. She’d have loved someone to hold her while she cried, not that she had any intention of doing that, but sometimes it all just felt so overwhelming. So hard. “What I really need,” she said, the words coming from deep within her, “is a friend for my son.”
Surprise flashed across Zach’s face, but he didn’t say anything, just nodded slowly. “I’m not asking for you to…” she tried to clarify, then stopped, because she had been asking, which was both presumptuous and weird. Did she really want Zach to be best buds with Ben? How could she even ask him that? He was a grown man, and Ben was fourteen. It was both weird and ridiculous, and yet… “It’s just, you seem to get him,” she explained painfully. “The gaming thing. RainQuest. You don’t know how important that game is to him?—”
“Again, I kind of guessed that already,” Zach told her. He gave another smile, this one endearingly crooked. “Give me a little credit here, for at least a small amount of emotional intelligence.”
Maggie let out a shaky laugh. “I don’t even know what I’m asking,” she admitted. “I mean, if you played the game online with him, that would be great, but obviously I’m not asking… expecting… you to be best friends with my teenaged son. He’s just been lonely and…” She trailed off, grimacing as she shook her head. “Sorry. I’m a mess. Clearly.” This time she succeeded in pulling away from him, mainly because she really needed some space. She couldn’t think when he was so near and smelling so good.
“We’re all a mess,” Zach told her, and Maggie gave a huff of disbelieving laughter. Mr. Extra Spicy did not seem like a mess to her. He exuded laidback confidence, the kind that came from being supremely good-looking. Not that she knew what that felt like, but someone with Zach Miller’s genes just had to have sailed through life.
Except, she had to admit, considering what she knew of him—never leaving Starr’s Fall, dropping out of college, playing RainQuest and battling his sister to manage their family store… he didn’t necessarily seem like he’d been sailing through life all that smoothly. Maybe no one was, no matter how they appeared from the outside.
“Right,” she said, dabbing at her eyes as discreetly as she could. “Sorry for falling apart, or almost. And thank you for being so kind.”
Zach looked like he wanted to say something more, but he kept himself from it, instead offering an easy smile, his eyes glinting in the dim light of the hallway. “No problem. Now, do you really need the bathroom?”
Maggie managed another laugh, this one not quite so shaky. “I might as well,” she replied, and then slipped inside, breathing a quiet sigh of relief as she shut the door. Zach Miller was too nice—and definitely too good-looking—for her own sanity. Her arm was still tingling from where he’d touched her, for heaven’s sake. And then there was the fact that he had to be at least ten years younger than her, and probably more. Why she responded to him the way she did was both shameful and ludicrous… She needed to be hyper-alert at all times.
She steeled herself to look at her reflection—reddened eyes, the lines from her nose to mouth looking starker than usual. The gray streak in her hair that had appeared after Matt’s death glowed white. She looked old . Zach probably thought she was ancient.
Taking a steadying breath, Maggie did what she could to repair the damage—wetting a tissue and dabbing at her eyes, running her fingers through her hair to fluff it out a little. She still looked haggard, but oh well.
She washed her hands, turned away from her reflection, and steeled herself to head back downstairs. When she came into the kitchen, she was surprised to see Ben bent over the table, drawing on a piece of paper as everyone watched. The dishes had been cleared away and more wine poured. Zach looked up as she approached, sliding her a smile that felt like a secret they shared. She forced herself to look away without smiling back, although it was hard. Harder than she would have liked.
“What’s going on here?” she asked in what she hoped was a normal tone.
“Ben is drawing us a map of the RainQuest world,” Jenna explained. “It’s fascinating. So intricate and interesting, with all the details.” Her tone was warm; Maggie suspected she was doing her best to make up for her geek comment earlier, and she appreciated the effort.
These people were nice , she thought with a rush of gratitude, and they were trying. She needed to try too, as much as for Ben’s sake as her own. She needed to make Starr’s Fall work for them as a family as well as a business.
No more falling apart, she told herself sternly. No more social awkwardness or endless evenings of watching Is It Cake? on her own. From now on, she was going to give their new life in Starr’s Fall 110 percent… whatever it took.