Chapter 13
13
Maggie lay in bed and stared up at the sun-dappled ceiling as a rather silly smile spread across her face. She was thinking about that kiss. Again.
She stretched, pointing her toes and flinging her arms over her head. The doubts and worries and over-analysis could all come later—and certainly would—but for now, she just wanted to enjoy recalling the magical feeling of kissing someone who made her head spin.
She wouldn’t think about the fact that Zach was so much younger than her, or that it might be Ben’s heart that was broken if things went wrong, never mind her own, or the churning guilt she felt that after only sixteen months of mourning, she was kissing another man.
She wouldn’t think of any of that, except, too bad, she was.
Maggie sighed as she lowered her arms and blinked hard. For just a few minutes she wanted to revel in last night. Admittedly, she had not handled herself as maturely as she might have wished, practically sprinting away from Zach after he’d kissed her, but she’d redeemed herself later when she’d managed to act mostly natural for the rest of the evening, although she’d felt anything but. She’d kept reliving that kiss and remembering just how good it had made her feel, and she’d realized she just wanted to focus on that. It had been so long since she’d felt wanted. Since she’d been touched . And even if it was just a kiss and didn’t go anywhere—which it probably wouldn’t—she’d realized she was glad it had happened. And meanwhile, all evening, Zach kept sliding her curious looks, like he was trying to figure out her thought process.
He’d stayed until ten, playing RQ with Ben while Maggie did some paperwork for the café, and then she had walked him down to the front door to say goodbye while Ben got ready for bed.
As she’d woven her way through the sofas in the dark, moonlight slanting through the front window, she’d felt a sense of expectation coil through her. She’d opened the front door, turned to smile at him.
“Well…” she’d begun, and then laughed because she had no idea how to finish that sentence.
“Well,” Zach had repeated. He’d propped his shoulder against the doorframe as he’d narrowed his eyes at her, smiling wryly. “I can’t figure out if you’re trying to pretend we didn’t kiss, or if you’ve decided you’re good with it.”
“I can’t either,” Maggie had admitted, because really, what else could she have said? Her mind had been pinging all over the place, and yet she’d felt happy. Happier than she had in a long, long time.
Zach had cocked his head, his gaze sweeping slowly over. “If you had to say right now, which is it…?” he asked quietly, his gaze now steady on her, a hint of vulnerability in his eyes that had made her ache.
Still Maggie had hesitated. Could she really answer that honestly? Did she even know what she felt? The cautious thing would have been to say she wasn’t sure, and it was just a kiss and they should sleep on it… separately, obviously .
But then some reckless, defiant spark of desire had made her lift her chin. Meet his gaze directly and say with more firmness than she’d thought she’d felt, “I’m good with it.”
For a second Zach had looked startled, and Maggie had known he’d been expecting her to back away as she always did, get in a tizzy and start to stammer excuses. But she was tired of being that way. Of living a half-life because she’d forgotten how to live a full one, or if she was worthy of it after everything that had happened with her husband, her son. Even if the thought of anything happening between them still filled her with terror.
“I’m really glad to hear that,” Zach had murmured, and then he’d leaned in and kissed her again, just a brush of her lips, but it was still enough to set her whole body to tingling. He’d given her one last grin before heading out into the night.
Maggie had practically floated back to her bedroom. She’d thought briefly of calling Lynn and telling her what had happened, but she’d been afraid her sister would only offer warnings and disapproval, and so she hadn’t. The handful of friendships she’d left behind in Greenwich had fizzled since Matt’s death, and the few college friends she still kept in touch with weren’t so up to date with her life that they’d know who she was talking about. They didn’t even know she’d moved to Starr’s Fall. As for her new friends in the town… she definitely wasn’t ready to share that she’d kissed Mr. Extra Spicy.
It would have been easy to fall into the funk of feeling lonely, but for once Maggie held herself from it. This was a secret she could keep to herself for now, she thought, although who knew who might have seen them kissing in the doorway of the café like teenagers. The gossip might be around all of Starr’s Fall by breakfast, but for once she wasn’t going to let herself care. She just wanted to enjoy the moment… even if it didn’t lead anywhere.
“Mom.”
Startled, Maggie pushed her hair out of her face to see Ben standing in the doorway, his face white with anxiety, his lip bitten to shreds, his shoulders hunched, and his hands lost in his sleeves. She scrambled up to a seated position.
“Ben, what is it?”
“Something’s happened,” he said miserably. “I… I’ve been stupid.” He gulped. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Okay.” Maggie forced herself to sound calm even though her heart was pounding, and a dozen worst-case scenarios were flashing through her mind in lightning streaks of panic. What could have possibly happened between ten o’clock last night and eight-thirty this morning? “Let’s go into the kitchen and you can tell me what it is,” she said, and amazingly, she still sounded calm. She reached for her old cardigan and pulled it on, pushed her feet into her fleecy slippers. Ben sniffed, a telling sound, and followed her out to the kitchen.
On autopilot, Maggie filled the kettle and put it on top of the stove. She took a deep breath and turned around. “Tell me what happened, Ben.”
Ben shook his head, his gaze downcast, his voice coming out in ragged gulps. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just so mad … and it was meant to be a joke…”
“What was?” Maggie did her best to keep her voice level, but it rose anyway, and she had to take another breath. “Ben, what was?” she asked again, more reasonably.
“It was… a meme. A stupid meme.”
“A meme ?” She needed to back up a few steps. “Can you please start from the beginning?”
The story came out in fits and starts, between gulps and sniffs, all of it news to Maggie. She’d had no idea he was still on the school chat at high school, something which boggled her mind because he’d been so miserable there. Then the geek meme that had gone out yesterday, while Zach had been here, and Ben’s riposte made later that afternoon, a meme with photos of the main architects of his bullying, with the word basic underneath. But her brilliant son hadn’t just sent it on the group chat as the others had done; no, he’d somehow managed to hack the school system and send it as an urgent announcement to every student and staff member, while she, Zach, and Ben had all been eating pizza and enjoying each other’s company. And as of this morning the school was involved, and potentially the police due to the hacking, and it was a huge mess, much bigger than the original crime.
“Ben, why ?” Maggie asked helplessly, knowing it was a pointless question and yet unable to keep herself from it.
“I just… I just wanted to do something. They get away with so much?—”
“But that’s in the past,” Maggie cut across him, caught between a desperate sadness and an exasperation that could, if she let it, tip over into rage. How could Ben have been so foolish as to revisit all those old hurts, pick at them till they bled? “We came to Starr’s Fall for a new start?—”
“I know ,” he moaned, grabbing and pulling at his hair. “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m really sorry. Am I in big trouble? Will I go to jail? Someone said hacking the email system is, like, a major crime?—”
“No, you will not go to jail.” Although you did hear about people being imprisoned for something they’d posted on social media, Maggie reflected with an inward shudder. Still, she had spoken extensively with the principal and student counselor back when the bullying had been at its peak. They had been compassionate… to a point. She would have to call on the remnant of that compassion now, and hope that the most Ben was facing was a stern talking-to.
“I’ll call the principal this morning,” she said wearily. “After I’ve had coffee. But we’ve got to agree, Ben, that you are not going to go back there, not mentally, and not online, either. I want you off that group chat, and any other social media of the school. You wanted to leave, so leave. In every way.” She managed a small smile as she tousled his hair. “Okay?”
Ben nodded, sniffing. “Okay.”
“It’s going to be all right,” Maggie told him gently. “I promise.” The kettle began to shrill, and she took it off the stove to make coffee. “I’m just surprised you’d do something like this,” she remarked honestly. “You managed to avoid hitting back at them all year, and then one meme …”
“Well,” her son replied, scuffing his foot along the floor, “it was Zach’s idea.”
Maggie stilled, then set the kettle down very carefully. “ What? ”
“He told me to make a meme and send it around the whole school, with the basic thing. He thought it would be funny.” Ben lurched forward, alarmed. “But don’t be mad at him for it?—”
“I’m not mad at him,” Maggie said quietly. No, she wasn’t mad, she was furious. Zach had been encouraging her son to bully bullies? To do something stupid with potentially long-lasting effects because it was funny , and that was without considering all the mental health dangers that revisiting that painful episode in his life was likely to cause, some of which she knew he’d already guessed?
“You are mad at him,” Ben stated, sounding miserable. “I shouldn’t have said anything. He didn’t?—”
“I wish he hadn’t made that suggestion,” Maggie replied evenly. “But that’s not your problem, Ben. Now why don’t you shower and get dressed, and then you can get started on your work? I’ll make a few calls.” And once she’d sorted out the school, she was definitely paying a visit to Zach Miller.
* * *
Maggie’s fury did not abate as she waded into the mess of the meme, calling various school officials, people she had hoped never to deal with again. They’d been understanding when Ben had been in the hospital, but Maggie had never been able to shake the suspicion that some of the staff believed Ben’s problems were at least partly of his own making, simply because he wasn’t the usual swaggering, lacrosse-playing jock that the school pandered to. Reassuring them that Ben would not hack the email system again was only part of the apologetic explaining she had to do. There was the mental health of his bullies to consider, of course, who had apparently played a harmless prank, only to be humiliated by Ben in a far worse fashion, something that made Maggie choke with frustrated rage.
“I understand Ben’s been through some challenging times,” the school counselor told Maggie rather sternly, “but that was a year ago and we won’t let any student play the victim card forever.”
“I’m pretty sure,” Maggie remarked coolly, “that as the school’s counselor, ‘playing the victim card’ should not be in your vocabulary. But in any case, Ben has learned his lesson, and this is the only time he has ever hit out against the students you know made his life a misery for an entire year?—”
“Yes, I do realize that, Mrs. Parker,” the counselor hastily assured her. “I’m only saying this because I had hoped that everyone in this unfortunate situation had moved on.”
Mainly because two of Ben’s bullies were stars of the school’s lacrosse team, and the school had been very reluctant to discipline them in any noticeable fashion. Maggie felt the start of a headache at her temples. She had really, really wanted to have moved on from this, too.
“I promise you, it won’t happen again,” she said stiffly. “Ben is now fully off the grade’s group chat and going forward we intend to have absolutely nothing to do with the high school.” She could not keep a note of savagery from entering her voice. Because in the end you did so little for us , she wanted to say but managed to stop herself.
“Well, considering the circumstances,” the counselor replied stiffly, “that’s probably wise. But I do wish Ben the best for the future.”
“Thank you,” Maggie managed, her voice sounding strangled, before saying goodbye and hurling her cellphone onto the sofa in a futile fit of rage.
By the time she got off the phone, her fury at Zach for instigating the whole palaver was even hotter than it had been when Ben had first told her about it. How could Zach have been so thoughtless, so reckless, so immature , as to suggest such a stupid thing?
The answer, when it came, made her feel only worse. Because clearly he was thoughtless, reckless, and immature. A thirty-one-year-old hanging around and gaming with a fourteen-year-old boy? Maybe she should have heeded her sister Lynn’s concerns. And Maggie had been right about worrying about Zach’s influence over her son. As for that kiss… well, it was resigned to the trash heap of history, one of the stupidest things she’d ever done, and never to be thought of again. Just the memory of it made Maggie’s face heat, and not in a good way. She had been thoughtless, reckless, immature, in welcoming that kiss. In telling Zach she was good with it. What on earth had she been thinking of?
Well, it ended here and now.
“Where are you going?” Ben asked when Maggie emerged from her bedroom, dressed and clearly on a mission.
“I just have a couple of errands to run. I’ll be back shortly.”
“Mom…” Ben sounded worried. “You’re not?—”
“It’s fine, Ben.” She moderated her tone as she gave him a smile. “I just have a few things to do. Why don’t you get started on your homework, okay? I’ll be back in a few minutes.” She squeezed his shoulder, doing his best to reassure him. “Don’t worry. The school’s fine.”
Outside, the sky was a pale, fragile blue, the air damp and cold but holding the barest hint of spring. Maggie was about to climb into her car when she heard a voice, filled with relish, call from down the street.
“ Well . Someone looked like they had a nice evening last night.”
Maggie closed her eyes, the car keys clutched in her hand, biting into her palm. Then she opened her eyes and turned to smile at Liz Cranbury, who was coming toward her, her Pilates mat rolled up under one arm. “I was out walking Frou-frou and I happened to see you and Zach,” she explained unrepentantly. “I have to say I’m impressed. But don’t worry. I won’t breathe a word.” Her eyes danced with delighted curiosity as she leaned forward. “But you have to promise to tell me all about it. How on earth did you snag Starr’s Fall’s most eligible bachelor? Not to mention its most notorious one?”
Notorious, indeed. “It wasn’t a big deal,” Maggie said rather tightly. “Trust me.”
Liz’s face softened into sympathy. “You’ve got to guard your heart with that one,” she agreed with a nod. “From what I’ve heard, anyway. And men can be such jerks. I’ve got an ex-husband to prove it.”
Maggie nodded mechanically, doing her best to sound normal. “I’m sorry.”
Liz reached out and grasped her arm. “Just be careful, Maggie, okay? I know you must be vulnerable, just the way I was after my divorce. Grief can make you feel lonely, and it can also make you do stupid things.” She made a face. “I bought three pairs of Louboutin shoes which I definitely could not afford. I had to sell them all on eBay.”
Maggie forced a smile as everything in her ached. Too late , she thought, and then told herself not to be ridiculous. She wasn’t hurt. And she wasn’t going to let herself be, or Ben. “Don’t worry, I’m not in danger of buying any shoes, or doing something stupid.” At least, not something stupider than she’d already done, which had certainly been enough. “What you saw was a one-time event.”
Liz nodded and released her arm. “That’s probably just as well. Are you coming to Pilates?”
“Not today.”
She had more pressing matters to attend to, like finding Zach and telling him she never wanted to see him again.