Chapter 36 Joanie
Joanie
A thick cloud from a smoke machine blasted me and I stepped out of its path.
I already felt like I couldn’t take a full breath, without adding smoke to the mix.
My body shook as I scanned the marquee, looking for Dad.
The candles flickered on their plinths, bathing black and ruby-red roses with buttery light.
Chandeliers glinted overhead, and black balloons floated around in a Gothic extravaganza.
The twanging of electric guitars being tuned pierced the air as Neon Mint warmed up on the stage at the front.
Dad was up there, soundchecking the mic.
Spotlights dazzled me as I stepped to the side of the makeshift stage.
I needed to get out of this stupid party, but first I needed to know the truth.
How could my own father humiliate me and meddle like that?
I cupped my hands over my mouth. “Dad, I need to speak to you.”
He twisted at the microphone stand. “Can it wait? We’re warming up.”
“No. It can’t wait. Please. It’s important.”
He stepped down from the stage. “We’re about to go on, honey. Let’s talk later.” He groaned and rubbed the base of his spine. “These coffins need more padding. I suppose they aren’t designed with comfort in mind.”
I checked no one was in earshot and lowered my voice. “Did you make a deal with Kieran?”
“What?”
“If he did the commercial and if he was nice to me then you’d get him back on the England squad?”
Dad winced. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Drop the act. You’re a terrible liar. “Why would you do that?”
Dad brushed down his black velvet trousers. “He told you about it?”
“Ollie told me.”
Dad shook his head. “Of course he did.”
“How could you do that?”
“It wasn’t a big thing. I know what these footballers are like, princess. He’s not good for you, and I knew he’d try it on. I was trying to protect you. I told him to keep his hands to himself and make sure you were happy and safe, that’s all. It was harmless.”
Keep his hands to himself? Did he even realize how weird that was? I threw another glance over my shoulder to make sure no one was listening. “You can’t interfere in my life like that.”
“I was trying to protect you. I didn’t want to make you feel sad again. You’ve been through so much with the injury. I know you find it difficult to stay positive, but it’s important.”
“Why is it important?”
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
Why can’t I just feel however I want to feel? The words died on my tongue. There was no point arguing with Dad. He didn’t listen. I could never get a word in with anyone in this family.
“I’m just trying to help, sweetheart.” He patted my arm. “Listen, I’m about to perform. I can’t be in this headspace. There are some bigwig music journos here tonight. We have to do this another time.”
Fine. I couldn’t look at him anymore. “You go and perform, Dad. What do I matter?”
He frowned. “Of course you matter.”
No, I don’t. I’m percussion. I’m just ticking over in the background. Don’t worry about me. I won’t cause any bother.
Dad’s face fell. “Don’t be like this, Joanie Jett.”
Anger churned inside me. Don’t be difficult. Be positive. Don’t cause a scene. Don’t be a burden. I fought to find the right words. This was always so difficult, but I’d stood up for myself with Fizzz and that bikini. I could do it again now.
I took a breath. “Please stop calling me that. I’ve been through so much this year, Dad. It’s changed me. You don’t get to treat me like a kid anymore. I make my own choices.”
His eyes widened. “Kieran Earnshaw is not good enough for you. I was trying to protect you.”
“You treated me like a child and humiliated me.” A horrible bitter fury dug its claws into me.
“Don’t you see what you did? You gave him a challenge.
Kieran broke your rules the minute I let my guard down.
And I was glad of it. I’ve had the most incredible time with him, and now I know the truth, it’s ruined. ”
My heart hammered and my breath came in sharp pants.
“But I guess you’ll have to hold on to his England shirt.
The two of us hardly left the bedroom, and I don’t regret that part.
I’m not a little girl. You don’t get to make those kinds of decisions for me.
You let me down, but I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s the habit of a lifetime.”
I wanted to take the words back as soon as they’d left my mouth. I’d never spoken truthfully to my dad. It was time, but still it made my stomach hurt to be the source of his deflated expression. This was his big night. I didn’t want to ruin it for him.
Dad’s shoulders slumped, and a tremor touched his lips. He opened his mouth and closed it again. “I can’t do this now, darling. I have to do the show. I have to.”
Tears welled behind my eyes. “I know you do, Dad. The show is the most important thing.”
I had to get out of here. I stumbled away and pushed through the throng of mingling guests, sidestepping groups of people engaged in lively conversation.
I stepped outside into cool night air. Torches flared in the darkness.
My shoulder bumped into something solid.
A hand wrapped around my wrist to steady me.
“Sorry,” I muttered.
“Entirely my fault.”
I took a step back to find myself face-to-face with the man I’d given up on seeing tonight. Kieran towered over me, all lean muscle, tattoos, and chiseled cheekbones.
“I’ve been looking for you,” he said.
My heart took a leap being in his presence again, but I suppressed the feeling of lightness.
This man hadn’t been honest with me. It must have been so easy for him.
I’d fallen into his arms. He hadn’t even had to make an effort to win me over.
He stepped forward, and a flaring torch illuminated his face.
Swelling marred his right eye, and blood stained the collar of his shirt.
“What happened to your face?”
“It doesn’t matter.” A cut dissected his bottom lip. “I’m sorry I’m late. I wanted to be here. I got . . . interrupted.”
My fingers hovered around his swollen eye. “You’re hurt.”
“It’s nothing. I came as soon as I could.”
“So you could get here before my dad told me about your deal?”
He sighed and scrubbed a hand over his battered face. “You know, then? I wanted to get here before the ceremony so I could speak to him and clear this up.”
He wasn’t going to deny it? Clear things up?
Get him to lie for you, you mean. Kieran reached for my hand, but I locked my arms behind my back.
The wind ruffled my hair and a great shiver ran through me.
I didn’t want to do this now. Not more confrontation.
I’d already put that hurt look on Dad’s face.
Now this was going to be another awful conversation.
Kieran stared at me intensely and frowned.
“I was going to tell you, but I wanted to speak to your dad first. I’m serious about a future with you.
You mean more to me than playing for England, more than Calverdale .
. . more than anything. Yes, your dad asked me to do the commercial, and keep an eye on you, but I couldn’t care less about any of that. It was stupid.”
He put his hand over his heart and looked me squarely in the eyes. “Please. I’m so sorry. Forgive me. It’s really not as bad as it seems.”
He stepped closer so that my senses filled with his tantalizing scent.
My chest tightened so much it left me gasping for breath.
Why had my dad done this? This had just been another way to control me.
He knew I hadn’t wanted to do that commercial!
They were each just as bad as the other.
It wasn’t the deal. It was the fact Kieran had concealed it from me. They’d both made me feel like a fool.
He reached for my hand again. “I just want to hold you and kiss you again. I don’t care who sees. I don’t care if we’re front-page news tomorrow. I just want you.”
Kieran thought I was a pushover. But I was sick of being percussion.
Sick of plodding along in the background unnoticed.
People thought they could treat me like a doormat.
That’s why Dad had made this stupid deal.
Why had Kieran come here? How could he expect to resolve this so easily?
Because he knew I wouldn’t want to be difficult and cause a scene?
Did he really think he could talk his way out of this?
“I want to put things right between us.” Kieran stepped closer, lowering his voice. “I fucked up, Joanie. I take full responsibility for my actions. I know that me talking to your dad must have hurt you. I’m so sorry.”
No. It was lying to my face and pretending to care about me that had hurt me. It was once again finding out that someone saw me in a totally different way to how I’d thought they did. It had been the same with Gerard.
Snatches of music and raucous laughter drifted from the party inside, taunting us in the bitter night air.
Blood dripped from Kieran’s nose onto his shirt.
What had happened to his face? He wore a dark, angry expression.
His hands balled into fists at his side.
Why was he in this state? I wanted to throw my arms around him and comfort him, but I couldn’t, not after what he’d done.
“Talk to me. You’re not saying anything. What can I do to make this better?” His wild eyes darted over my face. “What are you thinking? Are you angry with me? It’s OK if you’re angry with me. Tell me what I need to do. Please. Give me something.”
I took a breath, struggling to find the language for the hot swirl of emotions in my chest. Yes.
I was angry. I was really angry. And hurt.
So hurt. I tried to form the words, but they caught in my throat.
It was impossible to hear anything above the voice in my head.
Don’t rock the boat. Don’t be difficult. Don’t cause a scene.