37
Wednesday, August 6th
Lexi
Coffee in hand, I head toward my home-away-from-home, my favorite lab on campus. But just before I can swipe my keycard to enter the building, my phone vibrates in the pocket of my jean shorts.
Blake Boden: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped myself from calling or texting you. Stopped myself from going to your apartment. Stopped myself from doing a lot of things. But fuck, Lexi. I miss you. I really fucking miss you.
I have to shut my eyes for a brief moment, my mind racing with a million different thoughts and my heart thrumming unsteadily inside my chest.
He misses me. And, if I’m honest, I miss going to bed with him at night and waking up to him in the morning more than I care to admit. I had gotten so used to his comforting presence in my life that the abrupt change has been hard for me to adjust to.
But I’ve never really been good with change. My brain prefers schedules and mapped-out plans, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that something like this would cause me internal anxiety.
There’s a part of me that wants to text him back. That wants to tell him that I do miss him too. But there’s another part of me that feels so unsure about all of it. So, I simply shove my phone back into my pocket and swipe my keycard to enter the lab.
Blake is still at the forefront of my mind, but I sit down and get myself set up, hoping that, eventually, I’ll find my usual studious and focused rhythm.
The lab is empty, and I’m honestly relieved Ginger isn’t here. Because if she were, I fear she might ask me about Blake, and I honestly don’t know how I’d react to that.
I input my updated data on statistical chances for AI-technology errors into the diagnostic test app I created for my own personal use in finalizing my dissertation. The updated data shows zero change from what I had originally entered prior to finishing my dissertation, but still, I never go off assumptions.
The internal results show no major differential change, and for some reason, I feel annoyed that I don’t need to make any last-minute updates to my dissertation.
A sigh escapes my lungs, the opposite reaction one should have when they realize there are zero errors with the final milestone of their graduate school career.
And it’s not long before my phone is back in my hands and I’m staring down at the last text Blake sent me. The words I miss you standing out the most of them all.
“What are you doing?” a familiar voice grabs my attention, and I look up to find Connor walking into the lab.
“Oh, nothing,” I answer, clearing my throat and putting my phone back on the table facedown. “But I think the bigger question is, why are you here? You never come over to Ferris.”
“It’s the homestretch, Lex. I have exactly one week to finish my thesis or else I can kiss my doctorate goodbye. And I guess I needed a little change of pace.”
I tilt my head to the side. “Finish it? As in, you’re still working on it?”
“Not all of us are übergeniuses, you know,” he retorts with a smile as he sits down across from me.
“You got a perfect score on your SAT, Connor.” I snort. “And you’re currently in one of the hardest engineering doctorate programs in the country. You’re smart.”
“But I’m not Lexi smart.”
I roll my eyes, and he just laughs.
I’ve known Connor for what feels like my whole life. He was my first boyfriend when I was thirteen, and we were in a relationship for most of my high school career. He’s always been a good friend and a challenging academic partner. But as he starts to open his laptop and dive into whatever he needs to achieve today, I can’t stop myself from asking him the one question that rolls around inside my head.
“What was it like to date me?”
His head jerks back, and his eyes snap to mine. “Excuse me?”
“What was it like to date me?” I repeat.
He searches my eyes carefully. “You want me to tell you what it was like for me to have you as my girlfriend?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“It was uh…fine,” he answers. But his voice wavers a little as he adds, “It was good.”
I’ve never been good at catching social cues—it’s always a huge challenge for me—but there’s something in the way his voice sounds that makes me feel like he’s not giving me an honest answer.
“Are you telling me the truth?”
Connor just stares at me.
“Connor, did you just lie to me?”
“Shit.” He lets out a confusing laugh. “I mean, yeah, I guess I did a little.”
I narrow my eyes.
“I mean…” He pauses and runs a hand through his hair. “I mean… Do you really want me to answer your question honestly?”
“I wouldn’t ask it if I didn’t want an accurate answer. I wouldn’t waste that time.”
He searches my eyes for a long moment, but eventually, he lets out a deep exhale and says, “It wasn’t easy, Lex. I really liked you, and you hurt me pretty badly. You were my first girlfriend, and I think I loved you back then. And when you broke up with me, it was like, one day, you just decided it was done. No real reason. No emotions. Just done. It took me a while to get over you.”
“But you said you were fine with being friends after… Why would you want to be my friend if I hurt you?”
“I don’t know. I just did,” he responds with a shrug. “I guess I thought, deep down, you might eventually want to be my girlfriend again, but when that didn’t happen, I decided to make the best of it. Now, I’m happy I did that. I love the friendship we have. You’ll always be important to me.”
All this time, I never really thought about what Connor felt during or after our relationship. I didn’t know until now that I’d hurt him because I never even considered the possibility. And man, does that suck.
“I’m…sorry, Connor,” I apologize. “I’m really sorry I hurt you.”
“It’s okay, Lex,” he says with a smile and a laugh. “While I do appreciate the apology, that’s way in the past. We’re good, okay?”
I nod.
“Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to put my AirPods in and get to work.” He flashes a wink in my direction and does just that.
I, on the other hand, am the human form of stagnation—at least, I am bodily. A cataclysmic event is hard at work in my mind. The fact that I hurt someone I really do care about and didn’t even realize it isn’t an easy pill to swallow, and it isn’t the first time I’ve had to try. My mom, my little brother, my stepdad, my dad—I’ve hurt them all at one time or another, just by being me.
And I’ve most definitely hurt Blake. With the way he looked when I told him to leave my apartment on Friday, I know I have. Unlike with Connor, I knew right then.
And I did it anyway.
I don’t like the adjectives I’d use to describe a person who would do that. And I don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have.
So, I do the one thing I do have control over.
Me: Blake, I really enjoyed what we had over this summer. I’ve had a lot of fun with you. I care about you. But our paths are not aligned. You have football and college, and I’m getting ready to head into the real world and start my career. I think it’s time we both move on.
Telling him what we had was nothing was a lie and a dirty trick. But if he thinks we can be together anymore without me hurting him again, I’ll need to keep my distance to make sure I don’t.
Even if it hurts me.