Chapter 5
Chapter Five
Shiloh
I shove my hands into my pockets as I walk across campus towards the art department. A familiar head of white and black hair catches my eyes and before I know what’s happening, I’m being pulled into a tight hug.
“Aspen,” I say with a groan. “What the hell? I am not the type of huggy person you are!”
“Sorry,” he says sheepishly, pulling away and rubbing at the back of his neck. “I just got so excited seeing you! Why are you here?”
We continue walking, falling into step with each other. “I’m on my way to the art department. I’m modeling for their figure drawing class.”
“Really? That’s so cool!”
I hum softly. “It’s alright. I get a little cash out of it and it breaks up the monotony of my day.”
“You’re so cool, Shiloh.”
I can’t help but smile, looking over at Aspen. “Thanks. It’s nice that you think so, I guess.”
“It was really fun watching your date the other night with Suga. I can’t believe you actually know him, like in real life. That’s so crazy.”
“Don’t get too excited. It’s not like we’ve ever met or anything like that.”
“You could though! You guys seem really close. Hey, are you like actually dating in real life?”
“No,” I say right away, narrowing my eyes.
I can feel my chest clench at the innocent question.
I want to lash out. I want to be a dick to Aspen, but I hold myself back.
Just because that’s how I keep people from getting close doesn’t mean Aspen deserves my wrath.
“We’re just friends. I moderate his chat. That’s it.”
“Huh,” Aspen says, nodding along. “I never would have guessed that. You guys just give off old married couple vibes.”
“What the hell does that even mean?”
Aspen shrugs. “You know exactly how to push each other’s buttons but even when you’re mad at each other, you still come back time and again.
Plus, the way you guys talked to each other during that stream.
You seemed comfortable yet able to put up boundaries like when you said you didn’t wanna talk about past dating on stream.
Suga totally respected that immediately.
I’m probably just reading into things that aren’t there but you guys just kinda fit together, you know what I mean? ”
I tsk, breathing out through my nose, doing my best to keep myself calm.
It’s not Aspen’s fault I’m all fucked up inside.
It’s not his fault that I won’t let myself be open with another person after Stevey.
It’s not his fault that he’s accidentally stumbled onto the thing I’m doing my damndest to not think about.
“Maybe we’re just really good at acting,” I say with a shrug. Then I turn the tables. “So, I’ve been seeing you hanging out with Glasses, Libero, and Squeaky a lot lately. What’s going on with that, Aspen?”
I watch as Aspen’s face turns red. He makes a sputtering noise and quickly looks away yet there’s no less bounce in his step.
“That’s different!”
“How so?”
“We’re friends.”
“Right.”
“Okay, so maybe we’re more than friends? I don’t know? Well, I know how I feel but it’s hard to figure out how three other people feel and if they feel the same way about everyone in the group. You know?”
I blink slowly. My steps stop when we make it to the art building. I wasn’t expecting Aspen to drop his feelings like that. I wanted to tease him and take the heat off myself but instead, I got actual vulnerability.
Fucking hell. How do I get myself into these situations?
“I can’t say I have much advice when it comes to love, Aspen.
I’ve been burned pretty badly in the past so I stay away now.
As far as I can tell, all those guys are really sweet and if you have feelings for them, it might be worth telling them that.
Or you can just savor how good it is right now instead of overthinking it. ”
Aspen looks up at me before his face breaks into a small smile. “Thank you, Shiloh. You’re probably right. I shouldn’t try to overcomplicate things. We’re still just getting to know each other and when the time is right, I’ll tell them how I feel.”
“Good for you, man,” I say and actually meaning it, patting him on the shoulder. Just because love isn’t in the cards for me doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it from the outside. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks. I should let you get going. Think about what I said about Suga though! I think you guys have something awesome together and I don’t think he’d burn you like you’ve been burned in the past,” he says before springing away and darting towards the gymnasium.
I watch him go, my heart lodging itself into my throat.
I step into the building and make my way towards Michelle’s classroom. Aspen’s words play over and over in my head. Why the fuck did I have to run into him? Why does his optimistic outlook on life tug at my heart?
Could he be right? Could Suga, no Kei, be different? Could I actually let him in?
Why did Kei have to ask me to use his first name?
Why did we have to start playing this game together?
Every night, after stream, Kei asks me questions about myself.
He’s learned how much I love home-cooked meals from my dads, specifically, their spinach omelet.
He’s learned how much I like The Devastated.
He’s learned that I do modeling gigs at the university.
He’s learned that I hate people but am good at pretending to like them in certain social situations.
He’s learning about me and that makes me feel things.
Why are all these feelings so complicated?
I just want them to go away. Life is easier when I can be apathetic. Feelings just make everything more convoluted. They make everything harder. I don’t want to feel anything but amusement when I think about Suga or Kei or anyone for that matter.
As best as I can, I shake off all my swirling thoughts as I step into the classroom.
“Shiloh,” Michelle says with a bright smile when she notices me. “Hi! Thanks again for agreeing to help out.”
“No problem. Same routine as last year?”
“Yep. You can use that little closet there to get changed and then we’ll have you sitting here on this couch.”
“Perfect,” I tell her, taking the robe off the hook and stepping into the closet to pull my clothes off except for my tight, black boxers. Then I walk back into the room, getting comfortable on the couch.
Michelle helps me with what poses she wants me in.
Once in place, my only job is to hold still.
I’m just there, a prop for the students to sketch.
After about twenty minutes, Michelle has me move again, this time placing a hand behind my head, the other falling limply against the floor beside the couch. I stare up at the ceiling.
My brain is too full. There’s a buzzing behind my eyes. My heart is hammering against my ribcage, demanding to be set free.
Now that I’m thinking about Kei, it’s like the floodgates have opened wide. I can’t stop thinking about his voice. I can’t stop thinking about the soft, earnest way he asked me to call him Kei. I can’t stop thinking about the way he said he was curious about me and wanted to learn more.
Why?
Why does he even care? Does he ask all his mods questions about their lives or am I special? Do I even want to be special in his eyes?
The hour goes by at a snail’s pace. Michelle hands me a check after I’ve gotten my clothes back on, letting me know she’ll be calling me again in the future. I do my best to appear as my normal self despite the way everything inside of me is screaming for me to run.
Have I been letting Kei ask me questions every night this week? Yeah. Have I answered them all honestly? Also yeah.
I’m allowing him in even though I know it would be better if I cut this off now. Why the fuck am I doing this to myself?
I need to get him out of my system. I need to stop thinking about him and there’s only way I can think to do that. I need to get laid and I need to do it quick.
I button up my shirt slowly, keeping an eye on the stream. Jesus, if I thought just thinking about Kei today was hard, seeing him is a thousand times worse.
“Wait, wait, wait,” Kei is saying, his fingers stilling.
Right now, he’s sitting in his computer seat, his feet up on his desk while his writing tablet is in his lap.
He’s working on the commission someone won during the charity stream.
He’s got two cameras set up. One is looking down at the tablet as he draws.
The other is his normal face cam which shows himself along with Blue and Rodney who’re in the room with him.
He looks so casually handsome like this. He’s relaxed and having fun with his friends. I get the perfect view of his beautifully long fingers as he draws. Jesus, this stream is going to send me over the edge before I have time to finish getting ready.
The moment this stream ends, I’m bolting out the door. I can’t take this any more. The sooner I can fuck these feelings away, the better.
“I’m so serious,” Blue says, looking over at Kei. “They already sent me a copy of the game. I can start playing it any day.”
“You don’t even like trading card games like I do. This is so not fair.”
“Have you tried being a better streamer?”
“I fucking hate you,” Kei says with a growl. “I’m so jealous. I’m gonna hack into your account just so I can play it.”
“You want me to ask them for another copy?”
Kei pouts over at his best friend and I can’t stop my train of thought. He’s cute. He’s fucking adorable. What the fuck is wrong with me?
“Pretty please with sugar on top?”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Blue says, throwing a wink over at Kei.
WizeWizard(mod): I’ll clear my schedule for when the hyperfixation takes over
GuessWhat(vip): Marathon Streams! Hell yeah!
OliverandCompany(vip): I hear that game has some really cool voice actors