Chapter 5 #3
“Kind and generous.” He grins. “Let me play Santa Claus, Ronnie. Please.” His grin is almost goofy and definitely heart melting.
“Pretty please.” He leans in and the scent of him overwhelms me in a way that has nothing to do with his generosity or his goofy heartfelt smile.
It makes me want to touch him, to be held by him.
God it would be so good, and so easy to give into that.
But some life lessons are so hard learned, so baked into my soul that there’s no bending. The one I learned early on from my Aunt and Uncle and then from my baby-daddy is that I need to take care of myself and Jimmy because relying on anyone else leads to nowhere except disappointment and hunger.
Are you really relying on him if you let him pay for an outing to a football game?
“When?” I say. Then I watch his face light up brighter than the tree in the corner of his spacious great room.
“Two weeks from Saturday.”
“That’s Christmas Eve.”
“Did you have other plans?”
“No.” I admit in a quiet voice. Of course not. “Me and Jimmy were going to read T’was the Night Before Christmas and get to bed early.” I don’t tell him that we don’t even have a tree yet. I’m hoping the guy at the tree lot down the street will come through.
“Then spend it with me. Let me give you a special Christmas.”
“How special?” I say, not sure what I’m asking, but sure I want to know what he has in mind. Afraid I might go along with whatever it is.
“I’ll have a chauffeur pick you and Jimmy up for the game.
You can wear team gear. I’ll send it to you ahead of time.
You’ll do your pre-game tailgating inside the stadium at the Militia Grill where they have a spectacular buffet—so I’m told.
And then you’ll sit on the fifty-yard-line for the game.
After the game, I’ll meet you at the friends and family lounge and we’ll go out to dinner because I’ll be starving. ”
I laugh and interrupt him. “What time is this game?”
“It’s at one in the afternoon.”
“What about your family?”
“They’ll all be there.” He grins. I cringe.
“I don’t want to intrude on your family’s Christmas.
Maybe another time.” The way his face deflates, the way he tries to hide his disappointment with a forced brave smile, hurts me because I don’t want to hurt him.
He’s made himself so vulnerable going out on a limb with his invitation, not asking for anything in return.
“You wouldn’t be intruding, Ronnie. I promise.” His voice is soft. “When was the last time you had a big family Christmas celebration?”
“Never.” It was true. I was an only child and my parents never celebrated with my Aunt and Uncle and I understand now why they were never close.
He reaches out and touches my arm. My skin warms and his fingertips send a sizzle of desire through me.
“Why, Sean? Why do you want to do this for me and Jimmy? Because we’re a charity case?”
“No.” He shakes his head violently, keeps his eyes on mine with savage intensity.
“Not at all. I imagine there are lots of single mom’s with kids out there who are equally deserving of a lift up.
” He’s serious, smile gone. The muscle in his jaw tics and my insides flutter with anticipation because whatever he’s going to tell me now, I know he means from the depths of his soul.
“Because I think you and Jimmy are special. I feel a connection to both of you and not only because of Dasher.” He licks his lips and I’m not prepared for whatever he’s going to say next, so I turn away. But he catches my cheek with his hand and gently turns my head to face him.
“What I feel for you is far more. I’m so attracted to you it’s insane. I think about you constantly since we met.” He whispers, “I want you, Ronnie.”
Dizziness hits me, but it’s the good kind, the kind I haven’t felt since…
never. Since maybe when I was a kid at Christmas before my parents died.
The kind of euphoria I thought was dead.
I’ve only had glimpses whenever I’ve seen Jimmy’s face light up with the kind of simple joy only kids have the ability to experience.
Like whenever he sees Dasher. And Sean. This man makes my son happy.
“I’ll think about it.”
One side of his mouth tips up and then he lowers his mouth until his lips cover mine and the whole world tilts.
His mouth is luscious, the taste of him, hot.
I lean into him, feel his solidness, his strength, his sinful excitement runs through me.
Before I can lose myself completely to the feeling of our tongues mingling and exploring, or give into the tantalizing sensations and the raw intimacy, I force myself to push away, ending the kiss on an irrepressible moan.
Jimmy stirs and I rush to the couch to gently nudge him awake. “Time to go Jimmy.”
Sean insists on taking us home, so I don’t argue.
He carries Jimmy inside our small apartment.
I’m proud of it even if it is small and cheaply furnished.
It’s tidy and clean and bright and cheery.
I have a salvaged plastic wreath on my door and some garland framing the archway between the living and kitchen areas.
It’s simple by his standards, but it’s mine and I feel at home.
His eyes immediately go to the old mixer sitting on the counter because I have nowhere to store it.
“You working on something?” he whispers.
With Jimmy in his arms, he walks right over as if he owns the place.
There’s nothing shy about him. He’s all brash and assumes the world will accept him and whatever he does.
I have a feeling he doesn’t care either way.
Good philosophy to have if you can afford it.
I want to be that way, I try to be that way.
I do things on my own terms, for myself and Jimmy, try to ignore the world and whatever setbacks it throws back at me.
But I need to remind myself that this has been a good year.
Jimmy’s settled in a good catholic school, I’m working full time at the shelter and we have our own place.
Life is stable. We’ve come a long way. Now if I could save up to move to a bigger place, life would be really good.
A place with a good full kitchen that allows dogs.
“Yes, actually. I make a cake once a week. I’m into baking. I’d love to do it professionally someday.” WTF? I’ve not told another living soul it was my secret dream. Heat and anticipation flood me.
“That is so cool.” He turns to me, looking delighted, but not exactly shocked. I expected disbelief.
“You’re really good at cake. You have a secret ingredient or special recipe?” He teases as I show him to Jimmy’s room and laugh. When Sean lays Jimmy in his bed, he wakes up.
“Say goodnight, Jimmy.”
Sean squats next to the bed and gives him a hug. “Get a good sleep, kid. See you tomorrow for another walk.” Jimmy smiles and hugs him back.
“Good-night, Sean. I love you.”
My insides twist. Just like that, Mr. Sure insinuates himself into my son’s heart. And he makes plans to see Jimmy without a discussion, without hesitation, assuming he can, assuming I don’t mind.
Do I mind? Why should I mind? Aside from him paying me an absurd amount of money for dog-sitting, I’m not sure, but there’s hesitation in me, the feeling of dread, like something’s going to go terribly wrong and Jimmy will get terribly hurt.
Like I was when I lost my parents those years ago.
I shudder thinking of how I survived after the isolation, having no one who loved me, and after my aunt and uncle abandoned me, having no one take care of me.
Damn it. I took care of myself. For a short while.
Then I let Jimmy’s father, Mack, take care of me, depended on him. Then he deserted me and Jimmy both.
But I can’t regret that time because without Mack, I wouldn’t have Jimmy.
So what’s the lesson? Do I depend on another man or not?
Not. Don’t count on anyone but yourself.
Sean is lounging on my couch—which doubles as my bed—when I come out of the bedroom after tucking Jimmy in.
My insides flip and heat rushes through me, causing such intense pulses of desire I wonder if I’ll be able to ask him to leave.
I wonder why I should bother asking him to leave? Don’t I deserve some fun?
Maybe, but I know this isn’t about fun. It wouldn’t be casual sex because I’m too hot for the guy.
I know this because I’ve never felt this hot for another man in my life.
I know this because there’s something else between us, so it can’t be casual.
We can’t fool around tonight and say good-bye because he’s planning to see Jimmy tomorrow. Because Jimmy wants to see him.
What if I get entangled and let my emotions go wild?
What happens when he moves on because I’m not the kind of woman he’d ever settle for?
I’m a poor girl who barely got her GED, a single mother who lived the last five years in a rooming house, who was abandoned by her relatives and her husband.
A girl who no one wants, not really. Except Jimmy.
“You’re still here?” I say, resolved to stay cool.
“I wasn’t going to leave without saying goodnight.” He reaches out and pulls me down on the couch next to him. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to attack you, though god knows I want to. We can’t do anything crazy with Jimmy in the next room.”
“He’s always going to be in the next room,” I say, sounding more disappointed than I have a right to, but his words calm me.
“True. We’ll deal with that when the time is right.
” He cups a hand around the back of my head and pulls me in for a kiss, a soul deep kiss, a plunging all-encompassing kiss that ends the existence of the outside world, leaving only me and him and our mouths and tongues and our mingled breathing.
His hands caress my back, slide to my ribs and cover my breasts.
The way he teases my nipples over the worn flannel of my shirt sends my head spinning, shoots need through me.
Before I realize what I’m doing, my hands are all over him and I plaster myself against him.
The moan that comes from deep in my throat brings me up short.
I pop my mouth from his, breathing heavy, overheated.
“Ronnie.” He still holds me and my hand is on his hard dick. I pull it back. He catches it.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I enjoyed it.” His mouth twitches and my tension releases. Letting the moment take over, leaving all the thoughts of tomorrow and what ifs aside, I laugh and swat at him.
“No kidding.”
“I enjoyed that you don’t wear a bra, too.”
I snort and he takes me in his arms and holds me, kissing my hair as if he’s consoling me, as if he knows the reason I don’t wear a bra is because I’m too poor to afford one.
Closing my eyes, I push the notion away and breathe him in, let myself take in his warmth and strength and scent, just for a minute.
Before I separate, stand up again on my own.
“I don’t wear a bra because I can’t afford them.” I hold my breath. No idea why I’m telling him this, I only know I need to see his reaction, see if it’s sympathy or understanding in his eyes.
He stares for a beat, his face unreadable, and then stands with me. Taking me back in his arms, keeping my eyes captive the whole while.
“Thank god for expensive lingerie and your frugal streak.” Then he leans in and takes my mouth in his, plunders and assaults me with warmth and longing and lust and caring and everything I know instantly was missing from whatever I had before.
When he stops, I let him, barely. We’re both breathless.
“You should go before I do something crazy. Even crazier,” I say, feeling soft, smiling.
Before I lose myself, go back on everything I’ve been trying to do for the past six years, becoming independent.
I haven’t been working like a dog to stand on my own two feet only to have this man sweep me right off them, have I?
“I like your crazy. But I can wait.” He kisses my forehead and steps away from me.
I see him to the door. “About tomorrow—”
“What’s the best time for Jimmy to walk Dasher?” he says, his voice still gravelly with lust.
“I’ll call you.” I can barely say it and don’t know if I mean it. I want to. And I’m afraid to.
I have no idea what to do with this man. He smiles as he walks out the door of my tiny shabby apartment to return to his luxury home.