36
‘It was a great night but I’m never drinking that much after a match again,’ I hear Levi telling Elliot as they change into their football boots at the academy the following Tuesday. ‘I woke up with breath like a cat’s arse.’
‘That’s disgusting,’ Elliot says. ‘What were you drinking?’
Levi shrugs. ‘Everything, I think, by the end. I really shouldn’t have let myself get so carried away.’
‘What about if we beat Windham Park next Saturday?’
Levi laughs. ‘Then I might be tempted by a J?gerbomb or two.’
Elliot claps him on the shoulder. ‘Better get the headache pills stocked up for next Sunday then.’
It’s a relief to know the Oakhampton defeat hasn’t put them in the mindset where they think they’ll never win. Something else is concerning me though– Ben isn’t here. He always arrives before the last of the players so he can chat to Cassie about her plans for the session before things get underway, but today she’s ready to start and there’s still no sign of him.
I check my watch. It’s not that she’s starting early. She fires a questioning look in my direction and I shrug in response. There’s no message on my phone to say he’s been held up and I know there isn’t much traffic out on the roads.
As Cassie gets the team lined up and ready to begin, I try not to panic, but a creeping sense of dread starts swirling in the pit of my stomach. I try to convince myself he must just have got distracted by something and that he’ll be here soon. But instinct tells me that isn’t the case.
Cassie tells the players she’s intending to step their training up a gear in terms of intensity. ‘I want to see you pushing yourselves harder in our upcoming matches,’ she says. ‘And to make that happen on the pitch it needs to start right here. So let’s get started with our warm-up.’
She sends them off for a faster-than-usual sprint round the field. While they’re gone she comes over and asks me if I’ve heard anything yet.
‘His phone’s going straight to voicemail. I’ve left a message.’
‘Are you okay?’ she asks, hearing the wobble in my voice.
‘It’s not like him.’
She touches my arm. ‘There’ll be an explanation.’ But then the players arrive back at the starting line and she turns her attention back to them.
My phone stays stubbornly silent until the very last minutes of the session, when an apologetic text finally comes through from Ben. I’m almost too scared to read it.
‘So sorry for not replying sooner. I’ve been caught up on a call,’it says. ‘Do you want to come here after the session? I can’t believe I’ve missed the whole thing. I’ll apologise to Cassie later.’
I read it twice more before I reply. What kind of call could take up so much time? I don’t think there are many things that would stop him being here– at least that’s what he’s always led me to believe– so whoever called him, it must have been something he couldn’t miss. And the only thing I can think of that fills that criterion is Millford City.
I tell him I’ll be there shortly and pass his apologies on to Cassie before I leave, then try my hardest not to think the worst on the drive over to his house. But when he opens his front door I can tell straight away that something’s not right– his smile is too forced and it doesn’t reach his eyes.
‘What is it?’ I ask, gulping back the icy grip of fear.
‘Let’s get a drink.’ He turns away without kissing me, which he’s never, ever done before. I push the door closed behind me and follow him into the kitchen, my heart pounding in my chest. Is this where he tells me it’s over? Is my heart about to split into pieces?
He turns to face me and his eyes search mine, his brow creased with unfamiliar tension.
‘What?’ My voice sounds weirdly high-pitched and not like my own.
‘I’ve been recalled,’ he says flatly. ‘I’m going back up north.’
It hits like a punch, even though we both knew it was coming. Even though we promised each other that when it came we’d deal with it.
‘When?’ I ask quietly.
‘Tomorrow. I still can’t play in Millford’s next two matches but they want to make sure I’ll be ready for when my suspension lifts.’
It takes every ounce of control to keep my face from crumpling.
He turns away and bangs his fist against the work surface. ‘It wasn’t meant to be this hard.’
I move in behind him and slide my arms round his waist, feeling the need to comfort him despite my own anguish.
‘We’ve talked about this,’ I remind him. ‘We’ll make it work.’
‘There’s more,’ he says, and I wonder if he can feel my body stiffen, pressed against his like this. I back away and pull him back towards me so I can see his face.
‘I want you to know this wasn’t my idea,’ he says, his eyes finding mine. ‘The PR team are saying I still have some damage control to do, to coincide with my return to the squad.’
This time I just wait for him to say whatever it is he has to say, so he takes a deep breath and finally gets to the crux of it. ‘There’s going to be a girl.’
I feel the colour draining from my face. ‘What kind of girl?’
‘She was on some reality show or other, and now she’s apparently one of the nation’s sweethearts,’ Ben explains. ‘The thinking is that if people believe I’m in a relationship with her it will help some of the sponsors forget why I’ve been off the team. And her agent’s thinking is that if they want to get her name in the papers more often, linking her to me is a good way to do it.’
‘And what, you’re supposed to go out on dates with her? Get photographed with her? Are you supposed to sleep with her?’
‘I don’t have to sleep with her,’ he says quickly.
‘But if she’s your girlfriend?’
‘I don’t have to sleep with her,’ he repeats. ‘It’s just a set-up by our PR teams. It only has to look like it’s a real thing.’
I feel myself getting angry. ‘Did you even tell them about me?’
He looks away, which answers that question.
‘You must have known how this would make me feel, Ben. I can’t believe you’d agree to it.’
‘I wasn’t given a choice,’ he says defensively. ‘It’s either this or spend the rest of my time at Millford on the bench.’
He sighs again and rubs the back of his neck. ‘I’m not ready to hang up my boots yet, Lily– I’m only twenty-two. This is not what I want, but my PR advisor is adamant it will help my public image, and if it’s what I have to do to save my career... I know it puts you in the shittiest situation, but if there’s any chance you and I can still be together– in the background, I guess, till my reputation is deemed sufficiently repaired... I’ll understand if you just want to walk away, though. I know it’s far from ideal.’
‘I don’t want that,’ I whisper. ‘But how can we possibly make this work now?’
I get that his career has to come first, of course I do, but it was going to be hard enough dealing with the long distance without adding this to the equation. ‘What about me coming up to stay with you? What if we get spotted on our spa trip?’
‘I know the logistics are trickier, but we managed to keep it a secret before. We can do it again?’ He says it more like a question than a statement. ‘Or we can just tell everyone we’re really good friends. They know I’ve been helping out at Crawford so it would be perfectly reasonable for us to still want to meet up.’
‘Every weekend?’ I shake my head at the impossibility of it.
‘It will probably only be for a month or so,’ he says, his voice small. ‘I know it’s an absolutely dickish thing to ask you to be okay with this, but I have to ask you anyway. I don’t want to lose you, so could you please, maybe, just roll with it until the dust settles?’
I’m so conflicted my whole body feels like it’s shaking. How can I say no to him when he sounds so tortured? And wouldn’t I be a fool to throw away what we have over something which, like he says, is only temporary? But the thought of him with this other girl... I’ve never considered myself the jealous type before and yet I can’t bear it, even if it is just for show.
We stare at each other, neither knowing what else to say, until a single tear of frustration bursts free and trickles down my cheek.
He reaches across to brush it away, then pulls me into an embrace, but I can’t bring myself to put my arms back round him yet so they hang limply by my sides.
‘I’m so, so sorry,’ he says into my hair. ‘I didn’t want our last night together to be like this.’
It’s not what I want either, so I turn my head up to kiss him, willing my pain to go away. But hard as I try to lose myself in the moment, I can’t stop feeling like this is going to ruin everything.
The tears start rolling down my cheeks more readily.
‘Please don’t,’ he whispers. ‘I love you, Lily. This isn’t where this ends.’
It’s the first time he’s said it and it hangs in the air between us while a small part of me flares with anger– how can he be saying this now, of all times?
But I finally manage to pull myself together and find some resolve. I love him too. We can’t let our relationship fall to pieces over something neither of us wants and which will eventually go away. So I decide there and then I just won’t overthink it. I’ll enjoy these last few hours we have together then we’ll do whatever we can to keep it alive until it can be like this again.
‘I love you too, Ben,’ I tell him. And this time I do put my arms round him and kiss him like I mean it.
We undress each other slowly after that and our lovemaking is gentle and more heartfelt than it’s ever been. Afterwards we sit out on the couch on his terrace, wrapped in dressing gowns, his arm round me as I lean against him.
‘Do you really think we’ll still be able to meet up secretly?’ I ask.
‘We’ll find a way,’ he promises. ‘And I’m going to call you every day. I’m not going to suddenly stop wanting to know how you are, what you’re up to, how the team’s getting on or any of those things.’
It’s late when we eventually head inside to bed, but I don’t think either of us sleep. I lie nestled into him with my head on his shoulder and my arm draped over his chest. I’m sure he can feel my eyelashes fluttering against his skin every time I blink.
He runs his hand over my arm, massages my shoulder and kisses the top of my head from time to time. Eventually we give up all pretence of sleeping and roll over till we’re facing each other. Then we kiss till the sunlight creeps under the curtain.