Chapter 24
DORI
From across the lobby, Jami stares at me stone-faced, and my stomach flips a thousand times. Seeing me come out of the restaurant with Hunter looks terrible.
“Jami, what are you doing down here?” I pick up my pace toward him.
“Getting my mail.” He shakes his head and turns to the elevators.
He stalks off, more mobile than he has been since the shooting. No doubt, he’s probably moving off pure adrenaline.
“Wait.” I step onto the elevator with him. “Don’t be mad.”
He rolls his eyes and sighs. “Dori, I’m not mad. I’m disappointed.”
My blood pulses with flowing guilt. “Can I explain?”
Before Jami can answer, one of my three rotating bodyguards, Tom, steps on with us. He tips his chin to Jami and faces the doors. I growl under my breath.
I hate people following me.
Jami holds his body rigidly. “You don’t need to explain. I know what I saw. The question is, why didn’t you tell me you were meeting with him again?”
I shift to stand before Jami, my eyes begging him to understand. “I wasn’t meeting with him when I left. We ran into each other, and he asked me if I had a minute to talk about my job. We went to get a cup of coffee. That’s it. It wasn’t planned. It just happened.”
“These types of events are going to continue to happen.” Jami cups my cheek. “Sweetness, this is why I want to move and start fresh. I want us to have a fighting chance.”
Warmth fills my heart. “I want that too.”
He shuffles to me and rests his forehead against mine. “We deserve to have some peace. It won’t happen if we stay here.”
“I know.” I press my lips to his.
He relaxes the moment my tongue reaches for his, and we kiss for a tender moment. He’s more forgiving than I would be.
If he met with someone he was in a relationship with before me after he told me he wouldn’t, I’d be furious.
This man is a saint.
With a sigh, he pulls away. “Why aren’t you with Mel?”
“She texted and said she needed another hour. The movers are taking longer than expected.”
“They always do.” He rests against the wall. “What did Hunter have to say about your job?”
“Nothing new. He thinks they can get me reinstated, but I told him I don’t want to consider the option unless it’s presented.”
“And if it is?”
The elevator doors open to Jami’s floor. We follow Tom out and down the hall as I take the time to formulate what I want to say.
We enter Jami’s apartment and stand in the kitchen while Tom sweeps the place, checking for threats. This is ridiculous since Jami was probably gone for five minutes.
I want to roll my eyes, but I refrain. Jami’s just trying to protect me.
He takes my hands in his. “I understand how you feel about your job. You worked your ass off to get there, and you did it when you were going through one of the most difficult times of your life. That doesn’t go unnoticed.”
Oh, he’s talking about my first miscarriage and how I focused on finding the perfect job to take my mind off of that loss.
My heart flutters. “How are you always so considerate of me?”
“Knowing how much you put into finding that job doesn’t make me considerate. It makes me aware.” He taps the tip of my nose. “I’m not going to discount your feelings. They’re valid, but I want you to help me understand where your head is.”
This man.
“I love you so much, and every day that grows. You understand me better than I understand myself.”
“Well, I’ve kinda kept tabs on you for the last sixteen years.”
I smile at the thought. “That’s sweet to say.”
He shrugs his good shoulder to his ear. “I love you, Dori. That’s never going to change. You can hold me away for fear I’ll go cold on you again, but it’s not going to happen.”
I turn away and pull out a stool to sit on. He’s asking me to communicate. He’s trying for me, so it’s time I suck it up and get honest with him.
“It’s hard for me.” I gaze at him from across the island. “Not just to walk away from my job, but to walk away from Hunter.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It means I hate hurting him. The night I found out about your son, we had a conversation where I expressed my concerns about how our relationship would impact him. I don’t like being the one responsible for causing him pain. It sucks.”
Jami presses his hips to the counter, reaches over, and runs his palm over the top of my hand. “See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”
I relax my stance and breathe a sigh of relief. “No, but I don’t want to upset you by talking about it.”
“You only do that when you shut down and go radio silent.”
“That’s never going to happen again. I’m done with that childish behavior.”
He smirks. “That’s a relief because it was getting annoying. Ask Melanie. She agrees.”
He’s in a playful mood.
“Stop. We’re having a constructive conversation. Not a give Dori some rib-rubbing conversation.”
“Fair enough.” He stands straight, and a seriousness washes over his eyes. “I’m going to take a guess and say when you saw Hunter, you thought about not having coffee with him, but decided to so you wouldn’t hurt him. How’d I do?”
“Nailed it.” My shoulders go slack. “I wish breaking up with someone didn’t feel this way.”
“I know.”
There’s a long pause. My throat tightens, and unease rises in my stomach. Sitting with these feelings is uncomfortable as fuck. I wish I had Samantha whispering in my ear and guiding me on how I should handle it.
Jami leans against the counter behind him. “Have you been talking about this in therapy?”
Can he read my mind?
“A little bit.” I slide off the stool and round the island so I’m standing in front of him. “I’m still working on other things.”
“Like?”
“Me moving to Miami and what I want to do when I get there.” I intertwine my fingers with his. “Me taking care of you the best way I know how.”
I want to tell him I’m working on healing from my miscarriages and my nightmares, but I already told him I’m having a hard time breaking things off with Hunter. Piling on won’t help.
Take one issue at a time, Dori.
Not everything needs to be fixed in a day.
Besides, we still have a lot we need to work through before I go there. If I do, he might decide I’m not the woman he wants. I suck in a breath as I shudder. That thought alone scares the shit out of me.
He studies me. “Are you going to be okay?”
I shake the feelings off. “Yeah. It’ll take some time to get over hurting him, but it’ll all be fine once I’m through it. Give me a few hours and I’ll feel better.”
He nods. “Just talk to me when you’re struggling. You don’t have to handle it alone.”
“Deal.” I let go of his hands and reach for a pan to release the heaviness resting on my shoulders. “Since I have some time, why don’t I make you something to eat.”
“I’m not hungry, but thanks. I have a call with Mateo in a few minutes.” Jami starts toward the stairs. “It won’t take long, so don’t leave without saying goodbye.”
“Okay, but I didn’t eat breakfast. Do you mind if I make myself something?”
“You don’t have to ask. Mi casa es su casa. ” He takes deliberate steps up to his loft, careful not to move too fast. “I love you and don’t forget it.”
“I love you too, babe.”
He disappears upstairs as I go about making an omelet for myself. My thoughts flip from how I’m so happy with Jami to how awful I feel about hurting Hunter.
I wish there was a way around it. That’s most likely why I went back and forth between them for so long. At least, that’s what I’m realizing through therapy.
I’ve always struggled with my parents this way. They would fight and make Aiden and me pick sides. I hated hurting my parents when that would happen.
The manipulation they used to get us to choose was cruel, pitting us against the other parent. I loved them both, but I wasn’t allowed to show it.
That never mattered to them. It was always a choice I had to make. I picked the one who was causing the least amount of stress for me. It was easier that way.
If it got too difficult, I would lock myself in my bedroom and avoid them altogether. That would happen more often as the years went on. It’s a toxic pattern I’m ready to break.
I need to thank Mel for getting me to book my appointments. Who knows what kind of chaos I would have created if I hadn’t? I laugh at that thought. Who am I kidding? I created a lifetime of turmoil.
Hopefully, through therapy, I’ll get these issues resolved, and Jami and I can live a happy life together.
As I process my morning, I consider Jami’s question. What do I want to do if Hunter gets my job back? On one hand, I would jump at the chance, but Jami’s right. We deserve some peace.
My insides clench. Peace. We won’t have any of that once we tell Aiden we’re together.
He’s been out on assignment for a while now. Usually, he’s returning home about this time, but I can’t be sure this assignment will be the same as his other ones.
I finish my breakfast and do the dishes. It’s getting close to the time I need to leave to meet Mel, so I go upstairs to say goodbye to Jami. His voice carries, making me aware he’s still on his call.
I turn and stare at the door to the nursery. It’s closed like it always is.
If I’m going to make this work with Jami, I need to face my fears about getting pregnant—no better time than right now .
I push open the door and go inside. Tears prick the corners of my eyes.
Why is this so difficult?
I wrap my arms around myself as my gaze sweeps the room. It’s such a beautiful nursery. My heart aches for all it represents. All those hopes and dreams were taken away in one life-changing moment.
Is the door always closed because Jami can’t stomach the sight?
Maybe it brings on too many terrible memories. The pain he must have endured.
How can I prevent hurting him more when it comes to having kids?
“When does it get easier?” I mumble.
Jami’s arms glide around my waist. He places one of his palms on my lower abdomen. “I don’t know, but I have to believe it will.”
I sink against his chest as he holds me.
He runs his hand in a circular motion across my belly. “Just so you know, I want this with you.”
My eyes close, and my breath stills.
How do I have this talk?
“Dori, what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”
I turn and face him. My eyes sting as tears threaten to fall. “What if I can’t give you that?”
The same look he had in his eyes when I was crying during the ultrasound because I knew something was wrong appears in his baby blues.
He shakes his head. “What do you mean?”
“We haven’t talked about having kids much.”
“I know, but we can.”
I glance around the room, hoping for something to take me away. “It looks like you were packing.”
“Yeah, I was. I didn’t get far.” He shrugs. “Tell me what you meant about not being able to give me that.”
I walk to the crib with a tightness in my ribs. “I can’t do it again, Jami. ”
“Do what again?” He follows me, stopping by my side.
“Get pregnant.” My voice comes out in barely a whisper.
“Did the doctor tell you that?”
“No.” I swallow the agony bubbling in my throat. “I don’t think I can consciously try to have a baby.”
His face pales. “What? Why?”
“I don’t want to get pregnant ever again.” My breathing shallows. “I can’t lose another one. I can’t go through that again.”
He grips the side of the crib. He turns his head and stares at his son’s name nailed to the wall.
His breathing grows heavy. “It’s his...”
He shakes his head. The air around us grows pained.
“It’s his, what?” I place my hand over Jami’s and give it an encouraging squeeze.
“A year ago today.” He winces as he moves his right hand over his heart and rubs it. “It happened a year ago today.”
My stomach bottoms out. I’ve told him I don’t want to get pregnant again the very day he’s mourning the anniversary of the death of his son. Talk about a blow.
Way to go, Dori.
“Jami, I’m so sorry.” I shrink as guilt rains over me. “I see your tattoo every day, but I didn’t make the connection with today’s date.”
His head remains down. “I didn’t expect you to.”
I race through the morning, trying to find a sign.
How did I miss the sadness he’s carrying right now?
He had been laughing with me earlier. When we came back up here to talk, he was kind. He even cracked a few jokes. It doesn’t make sense.
“You seemed to be in a good mood today.” My heart breaks in half. “Jami, why didn’t you say something?”
“I couldn’t.” He swallows hard. “I just thought I could get through today by focusing on us.”
Tears trickle over his stubbly beard and drip onto the floor. I carefully step to him and hug him. His arms hang by his side.
I take them and place them around my waist, then go back and encircle his neck, taking him in an embrace. “Let it out, babe. Just let it out.”
He folds into me and buries his face at the nape of my neck. Tears soak my skin as he splits in half.