Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
You know that old adage, ‘what a difference a day makes’?
Total crap.
A day didn’t make a difference. Neither did seven of them.
After my monumental, disastrous attempt at an explanation without giving the real reason I’d ended our friendship, Tucker hadn’t thawed a degree, not even a fraction of one. He was distant and had been that way during every interaction we’d had in the last week.
Luckily I’d been able to get a car delivered to the hotel. Also fortunate—we’d both been busy. Me with Nu Dawn. Him finishing up work he’d been in the middle of for Triple Canopy in preparation to go undercover. I’d spent most of my time at TC working with Dylan or Carter. Sometimes with Nick, when I needed clarification on motive and how best to work Mackenzie. Ditto on the sometimes with Trey, though he only went over the schematics of the compound with me, helping me memorize the buildings and the distance between where the houses were all situated along with the function room from the outbuildings, barns, and stables. That was after I’d had another visit with Allyson and she helped me label the building on the map that Trey had printed out.
I had a week to prepare for the seminar. More than likely I’d only get this one chance to get on Mackenzie’s radar and pique her interest. I needed an invitation to tour the compound. If not that, I needed her to invite me to a nature retreat so I’d get another chance to woo her, and that’s what I had to do—woo the woman into finding me interesting and an easy mark.
This gave me pause. I was a lot of things, I was skilled in many ways but I wasn’t the best conversationalist when it came to…anything other than an interrogation…. or conversing with Tucker. I could talk to him for hours. He’d been spot on about that—middle of the night, late, or early morning the time of day never mattered, we talked when our schedules allowed—day or night—and we did so with comfortable ease. But if it wasn’t a suspect, a witness, or Tucker I had a hard time.
I’d spent every night researching mindfulness and manifestation. I’d practiced meditation which I learned I totally sucked at, but I figured I could fake that. No one could listen to what was happening inside my head. And the more times I’d tried to meditate the more I thought the whole thing was a farce. Who could shut off their brain? Even sitting there thinking about ‘nothing’ you were still thinking about something. I’d chanted, ‘no thinking, no thinking, no thinking’ over and over but that was still thinking. I still wasn’t sold on the whole manifesting your future gig, either. As a concept I understood the power of positive thinking. However I was more of a practical type of person.
Set goals. Work a little every day to attain said goals. Work to create habits that will push you toward your goals. Imagining and wishing and making vision boards didn’t compute. But I could fake that, too.
What I wasn’t going to be able to fake was Tucker.
This was such a disaster I’d contemplated telling Shannon she needed to send in Frank with me, and if not him, someone else. Or find someone to replace me and send her in with Tucker. Though that thought made me sick to my stomach. Literally nauseous at the thought of Tucker playing house with another agent, sleeping next to her, holding her hand, inevitably kissing her. Being his wife . Fake or not, that thought killed.
In other words, my life had turned into a walking nightmare.
A week ago before I had a fumbled conversation with Tucker I was screwed, now I was T-totally fucked. My lie had snowballed to an extreme there was no way to come back from.
And I did it to myself.
I’d thought I could bullshit my way out of it without having to tell the truth. The truth would mean I’d have to acknowledge I was a grown woman still begging for Daddy’s approval and attention. And that was something I’d never be willing to admit.
I was wrong.
So, so , so wrong Tucker now hated me and I hated myself for hurting him with my ‘it was for the better’ comment that was such a gigantic lie I’m still shocked I was able to choke out the words.
I was still gathering my papers—yes I was one of those people who liked actual paper reports. Also yes, I knew I was a planet killer and I should do what all my peers did and use a tablet or one of those ReMarkable things, but I liked the feel of pen to actual paper when I took notes. So there I was shuffling papers into a stack when Carter Lenox appeared in the doorway—that was Carter Lenox Senior. My stomach pinched tight at the look on his face. Afterall, I was using his conference room as a command center of sorts. And it was after normal business hours. The only person who was left working was Dylan and he was there because he was busy hacking into some company’s server who hired TC to find their vulnerabilities. Dylan assured me he didn’t mind me staying to work but the look on Carter’s face said something different.
“Sorry I’m here so late,” I said as I shoved the papers in my laptop bag. “I don’t mean to overstay my welcome.”
His frown deepened, reminding me of the first time I’d met him.
“Why are you here at…” He glanced at his watch. “Seven fifteen?”
Um.
Shit .
“Is Dylan done? Was he waiting on me? I thought he’d tell me?—”
“Dylan got into Pender’s system an hour ago.”
Shit. Shit. Shit .
“Ohmigod, Carter, I’m so sorry.”
“Lenox.”
I blinked.
“My son’s Carter. Everyone calls me Lenox.”
Right. I’d heard the men call him Lenox but I didn’t want to take liberties without being invited to call him something that possibly only the people close to him used.
“I didn’t mean?—”
“Liza,” he interrupted me. “You’re welcome to stay as late as you want. If Dylan’s done before you are, he can give you the code to lock up. What I’m asking is, why are you still working when you should be…” He paused, narrowed his eyes, then comically shook his head. “I was going to say, be home relaxing, but damn if I didn’t forget you’re staying in a hotel.”
I waved him off and pulled the strap of my bag over my shoulder.
“Hotel. Home. They’re one in the same. At this point, I should give up my apartment and put my things in storage so I’m not wasting money on rent.”
He continued to study me. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, I was used to people sizing me up. It came with the territory and not because I was a woman; I sized up every man and woman I came into contact with as well. It never hurt to pay attention. But the way Lenox did it made me feel like he had a front row to my thoughts and that was unnerving.
“My wife is out to dinner with her girls. Once a month they do this. All the women get together and…” He paused again, this time smiling. “Do whatever women do when they get together and order five pitchers of margaritas.”
Five pitchers?
I didn’t know how many women were in attendance for this get-together but with five pitchers I hoped there were fifteen of them. Either that or tomorrow would seriously suck for them.
“We rotate who drops them off and takes them home. I’m on tonight. I got at least two hours to kill before Lily calls. What do you say we kill that by you letting me buy you dinner?”
Dinner with Lenox?
Good Lord, he’d Jedi mind read all my deepest, darkest secrets before the night was over.
“I take it you came in to work while you waited?”
“I don’t know if you’ve heard but I don’t actually work here anymore.”
His sardonic tone gave away he was teasing.
But still…
Dinner with Lenox was scary.
“Yeah, I think I heard something like that.”
“So do my son a favor and rescue him from me poking around in his files.”
Shit. I couldn’t say no.
“Only if you let me pay.”
“Liza—”
This time I interrupted him. “Actually, not me, the ATF will be buying us dinner.”
“Deal.”
Gah .
Okay. I could do this. I could have dinner with Carter Lenox and not spill all my secrets.
This was a mistake.
Huge.
Lenox and I were across the street from my hotel at this steak joint that from the outside looked like it was an aging restaurant in a small town. The inside had seen better days and those days were a decade ago. But three nights ago when I was tired of hotel bar food I’d ventured out and took my life—okay, overstatement—but I did put my gastrointestinal safety at risk by trying Jack’s Steak Joint. I was more than a little shocked to find the food was excellent and their bartender mixed the perfect Bloody Mary.
Though tonight I barely tasted the Bloody Mary. And I was sure the calamari we’d shared had been delicious but I hadn’t tasted a single bite as Lenox peppered me with questions.
Innocent, ordinary, run of the mill queries about my job, but it felt more like an interrogation than him asking because he was curious. Even after I realized he was probably doing what any good boss would do, even though he was no longer The Boss , in essence he still was. He had started TC, he was invested in its success and the people who worked there. He’d want to make sure Tucker wasn’t going undercover with a total nimrod. He still made me uncomfortable—not in a skeevy way, in a ‘I didn’t want to fail his test’ way.
Our dinner had been delivered, my third and final drink of the night sat untouched, and Lenox’s iced tea had been refilled. It was the perfect time for him to perpetrate his attack with no imminent disruptions on the horizon.
“How’s this going to work with you and Tucker?”
Fuck .
I stopped sawing through my filet and glanced across the table.
Green eyes held me hostage as they waited for my answer.
“We’re going in as husband and wife.” I told him something I was positive he knew but was hoping he didn’t, and that was the reason for his question.
“I know, that’s why I’m asking.”
I must’ve looked like a deer caught in the headlights before said deer decided if it was going to run and save its life or stand there and die. For the record, I wanted to run for my life but I couldn’t get my body to cooperate.
Lenox gently set his cutlery on the table.
His gaze turned knowing.
My heart went wild in my chest.
Then carefully, softly, he told me, “I know you two share a past. I also know because I saw him yesterday. Something’s changed and that change is not conducive to the two of you playing husband and wife. Now, darlin’, tell me, how’s this gonna work?”
I closed my eyes to block out the pain.
“It’s not,” I answered him truthfully.
When my eyes drifted open I still had Lenox’s attention.
“How’d you fuck that up?” His question was straightforward but his tone was still gentle.
He was correct, of course. I had been the one to mess everything up but I was still curious how he knew. “What makes you think I did something to fuck it up?”
“A week ago, Tucker was a man on a mission, intent on winning. I saw it, asked him for a word, he gave it, and laid it out. The two of you have a past. Somewhere along the line it got jacked. He didn’t tell me how that happened, just that you mean something to him so he intended to work through it and move on…with you .”
Lenox hesitated, his gaze went from gentle to infinitely kind. And it was good it did, it took some of the sting out of his words. Some but definitely not all.
“The man I saw yesterday was not a man intent on winning, he was a man intent on surviving. He was also pissed as hell. A man who fucks over a good woman he was determined to win isn’t pissed. He’s locked in his head, kicking his own ass knowing he screwed up. If he’s a smart man, he’s locked in there figuring out how to unfuck the damage he’s done. A man who’s been fucked over looks like Tucker—pissed. And that type of anger only comes from a place of hurt.”
I sucked in a breath.
“I hope you get why I’m telling you this,” Lenox murmured.
I got it. We had to work together and Lenox was worried.
“I understand.”
“I don’t think you do, Liza.” Lenox leaned forward, placed his forearms on the white-clothed table, and shook his head. “Once upon a time I was you.”
I blinked at that.
“You were me?”
“Oh yeah, darlin’. You see, I was in love with this woman. Had been for as long as I could remember. We started out as friends, got close, and over the years that turned, and when it did it scared the fuck out of me. Not my love for her. I was scared I was going to ruin her. I was scared my job was going to put her in danger. Instead of talking to her and telling her the truth I made a decision to end us and I did it in the cruelest way possible. Years later I had a second chance, but now I had a new problem—guilt had taken over. Fear and guilt mixing is a wicked cocktail. Instead of manning up, telling her the truth, I ended us a second time. I did it ugly, saying a bunch of shit I didn’t mean. Every word I said was a lie. I landed my blows, then walked away, and when I was done, I looked a lot like you look right now.”
I wanted to know if he got the woman back. No, I had to know he got her back, that the woman he was talking about was his wife, Lily. I had to know this and I needed the answer to be yes because if it wasn’t, there would be no hope for me.
But first …
“How do I look?”
“Like you’re lost. Like you’re wandering around in a daze of regret and guilt. Like you know you did wrong but you’re still too scared to fix it. It’s like going back in time and looking in a mirror. Over three decades have gone by and there’s not a day that goes by I don’t regret the time I lost. But worse, the hurt I inflicted.”
That was exactly how I felt.
“I don’t know how to fix it. But more than that, I don’t know if I should try.”
“Do you love him?”
The truth was on the tip of my tongue. I glanced at my full Bloody Mary and wondered if the bartender had added a splash of a truth serum along with the Kettle One. I lost the fight, or maybe I gave up. Lying hadn’t worked out that great for me. And that was the problem with a lie—one turned into two, then you were lying more to cover those lies until it was a twisted mess of shit.
When I never wanted to lie in the first place, I just didn’t want to tell the truth.
But there was no use hiding or lying to Lenox.
“Yes.”
“Then you should try.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“No, you’re right, it’s not. What I can tell you is, it’s worth it. It takes time, effort, and a whole lot of honesty. It takes facing your fears, trusting Tucker and earning his back. It takes swallowing your pride and putting yourself out there and being vulnerable in a way that’s going to terrify you. But, Liza, take it from a man who’s been in a far worse position than you’re in. If you love him, then it’s worth it.”
“Far worse?”
“The second time I left Lily she was pregnant with Carter. I didn’t know that at the time but it doesn’t make it any easier. Not only did I lose out on that, my woman was alone, scared, and hurt by my hand while she was growing my boy inside her.”
It was Lily.
He got his woman back.
He went on to marry her and have a happy life.
“Can I tell you something?” I asked.
“You can tell me anything, darlin’.”
The way Lenox said that, the way he was looking at me, I believed him.
“I’ve loved Tucker for so long I can’t remember a time I didn’t and that included while I was married.”
I waited for Lenox’s repulsion at my confession. He was a married man who loved his wife. I was a woman who’d married a man while in love with a different man.
“Why’d you marry him?”
Was I going to say it? Tell the truth? Be honest with myself after denying the truth for so long?
“I started dating Arnie right after Tucker went undercover. I think I finally accepted that Tucker would never be mine, he’d never love me like I loved him. When Arnie asked me to marry him the first thing I felt was sadness. The death of a dream. The end of me and Tucker, even if there was no me and Tucker. I regretted saying yes. But I still married him.”
Lenox didn’t say anything. I fought squirming in my chair like a child waiting to get scolded.
“Liza, honey, that doesn’t explain why you married Arnie,” he noted.
“I married Arnie because I thought he was safe,” I blurted. “I knew he didn’t love me. I knew he never would. Arnie didn’t want a wife to love. He was all about his career. It was all for show, I was nothing more than a photo op to parade in front of the public. The prosecutor who’d married a woman in law enforcement. Our marriage was nothing more than a show, so when it was his time to run for DA he’d look like a respectable, family man. I was supposed to be the good wife and look the other way when he took other women to his bed. I knew this going in. Well, not the last part. I didn’t think he’d be foolish enough to cheat; that was stupid on his part, and Arnie wasn’t a man prone to stupid mistakes. I guess he thought because we weren’t a love match I wouldn’t care, so he didn’t do a very good job hiding it. And he was right, I didn’t care in the sense it hurt. I cared because it was a stark reminder I could no longer ignore I’d married a man I didn’t love to prove to my father I was good enough to marry a man like Arnie Boyer. A man who, except for the cheating as far as I know, was just like my father. Worse—I married an asshole because I was in love with Tucker and he didn’t love me.”
I closed my eyes. When that didn’t stop the shame I covered my face with my hands. I’d never admitted that to anyone, not that I had anyone I was close enough to share my secrets with—well, someone other than Tucker. He knew my secrets, but not that one. Hell, I hadn’t even admitted it to myself until I was sorting through the mess I’d made of my life. Then there was no way to block the truth—not only didn’t I love the man I’d married, I married him because I was mad the man I did love would never love me back.
“Darlin’, he loves you.” Lenox’s voice came at me sad and rumbly.
I shook my head behind my hands.
“Trust me, Liza, that man loves you. Then and now.”
I thought back to the night I invited Tucker back to my room, all those years ago. I remember watching him struggle to let me down easy, not wanting to hurt me, but still needing to make himself clear—he wasn’t interested.
“Trust me , he doesn’t,” I groaned and uncovered my face, remembering I was a grown woman. “He’s pissed because he knows I lied the other night. More pissed because I told him it was for the best our friendship ended. And if that’s not enough, he’s pissed because I basically insinuated it was his fault Arnie cheated on me.”
Lenox nodded. He glanced around the room and when his gaze came back to me he mumbled dejectedly, “I only have boys.”
Since I wasn’t following I sat quietly.
“The way a father counsels his sons, the men who work for him is…like it or not, different than how he handles a woman.”
Ah. I got it.
Kind of.
“I can’t help you there,” I told him on a shrug. “I lived in the same house as my dad but to say he wasn’t active in my life would be a nice way to say he was completely uninterested in me. That disinterest extended to everything; school, my grades, boys, dating. In an effort to get his attention I started doing things I thought boys would do; karate, dirt bike riding, and asking him to take me shooting with him.”
I noticed Lenox’s expression had turned hard. Unfortunately, I didn’t fully grasp what that expression conveyed and went on. “I think he showed up to one practice, never attended a tournament, and missed my black belt testing. Same with shooting—he took me skeet shooting with him and his friends once. And he never got me the dirt bike even though when he was younger he rode them, and from what my mother told me, was good at it.”
The unfortunate part of not grasping the change in Lenox’s expression meant I was unprepared for it to turn lethal. Then just as deadly, he whispered, “You’re shitting me.”
Since I wasn’t I shook my head. But I was so taken aback by his obvious anger on my behalf I decided not to share the rest. The level of my father’s neglect went well beyond him not being interested in having a daughter. When he did decide to impart fatherly wisdom, he wasn’t nice about sharing how he believed a woman should behave. He had all the time in the world to point out my shortcomings.
“I’m not old enough to be your father,” Lenox stated.
Though technically inaccurate, seeing as I was at most five or six years older than Carter, and when I first met Lenox he had to be in his forties, putting him at least twenty-something years older than me. It was a guess, however I figured a good one since I’d heard him tell one of the infantry boys that was his last deployment before retirement. And everyone knew those Unit Guys were crazy and didn’t stop until their body broke or it was time to get out. Age was but a number to them. Which meant he could’ve fathered me, though I wasn’t about to rudely point that out.
His lips twitched, cutting through the heaviness that had fallen over the table.
“Okay, I am old enough to be your father. Your first deployment was my last.”
There you go, I was right.
“My boys were thirteen and eleven. Had a shit feeling that day. I thought I was being superstitious. I was almost done, closing in on the finish line, thinking I just had to stay alive another few months then it was over. But Jasper felt it, too. That’s why I said what I said to you that day. I saw you nervous, which made me twitchy you were going out with us. I had a wife and two boys to get home to. I was being a dick forgetting each of us had families to get home to, not just me. What I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry I was an asshole that day.”
“Lenox, you weren’t an asshole. You said exactly the right thing. I was nervous and scared. I’d never been outside the wire. Hell, that was my first time in theater. I needed to get my shit together but I didn’t know how. I’ve used what you told me that day throughout my career. Your wisdom has gotten me through a lot of hard situations and not just that first day.”
He took a moment to take me in. I missed another change in him, though I didn’t miss him laying it out.
As in straight out.
“Then staying in that vein, here’s some new wisdom: pull your head out of your ass. Not a week from now, not when you’re ready, not when you think the timing is right. Now. Right now. Tonight. If you let this fester it only gets worse. The longer you wait to tell Tucker the truth— all of it —the harder it’ll be to break through. This. Here. Now. Is when you fear up. Or don’t. But if you decide to keep living this lie, I promise you, Liza, every night for the rest of it you’ll close your eyes and taste the bitterness of regret. I reckon you and I have walked a similar path, denying ourselves what we wanted, what we needed, out of fear we’d never be what the other person wanted. Your father taught you that, then your husband cheated and he reinforced what you knew; you weren’t good enough. But see, you have that twisted, darlin’. Your father’s a jackass. No man, no father, treats a child that way, blood or not. And your husband’s issues with keeping his dick out of women who were not his wife…” Lenox pinched his lips and shook his head. “Damn, I was doin’ good until that last part and I forgot I wasn’t laying it out for my boys.”
With my heart pounding in my chest, my throat dry, and my palms sweaty I told him, “I can’t blame Arnie for cheating when I was in love with Tucker.”
“I hear what you’re saying and I get why you think that. But here’s the truth. A man, a real man, honors his promises. If he wasn’t happy with his life, with what you were giving him, then he should’ve manned up and left you, not fucked around on you. Don’t know the man, but my guess, he was perfectly happy to have a beautiful wife on his arm and in his bed. What he didn’t care about was if you were happy. He didn’t care if the life the two of you shared was a happy one. Men who cheat don’t give a shit about stuff like that. They say they do. They lie and blame their cheating on unhappiness. But that’s never the truth. A man who is unhappy, truly unhappy, leaves. A man who loves his wife works through the rough patches and fights to get back to what makes her happy and if that’s impossible, he leaves so she can find what she needs. A man who is a punk ass bitch stays and cheats. You’re sitting there holding guilt for not loving him; newsflash, darlin’, he didn’t love you either.”
After delivering that, Lenox picked up his knife and fork and commenced eating his Porterhouse. I picked up my Bloody Mary and took a healthy sip—read: I slurped half of it down in one go.
“Thank you,” I whispered as I picked up my fork.
“Anytime.”
One word full of so much meaning I found it hard to swallow.
Then I wondered what kind of life I would’ve had if I had a father like Lenox.
“Just so you know, you’re good at that. You could’ve been a girl dad.”
For a moment Lenox looked horrified, then he roared with laughter. Through his hilarity he explained, “Jasper’s got four girls; I lived that nightmare at his side. Levi’s got one and no matter Liberty’s got her head on straight and always did, that doesn’t mean her teenage years didn’t cause him more than a little drama. Thankful I got boys. Never thought myself a girl dad, but if my girl grew into a woman like you, I’d be damn proud.”
I felt wet hit my eyes and decided heartfelt conversations with Lenox rocked, and at the same time I decided I wasn’t going to ever have another with him if they left me fighting tears and rethinking my life.
Three hours later, I took Lenox’s declaration of ‘now’ literal. I did this with a fair amount of liquid courage. Thus I did it drunk and without a filter.
Big mistake.