Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
The longer we walked the property the deeper my anger and sadness burrowed in.
Fuck Mackenzie Archer.
She’d built something beautiful, given these women something to believe in, given them space to thrive and find peace, and it was all a lie.
A picturesque lie.
These people had built a utopian society. However, like all societies, one bad apple had rotted the bunch. Her greed and selfishness was going to be their downfall.
The rudimentary map Allyson had drawn of the compound had given us the basics. A gravel road leading from the county road turnoff through thick forest. Mackenzie’s house the red, barn-like structure upon entering. That was where the gravel ended, turning into a well-maintained dirt road. The residences studded the outside of the long loop while six buildings occupied the center. These were the community center-slash-movie room, the meditation and yoga studio, the kitchen-slash-bakery, craft-slash-sewing room, a kickass library, and an art studio.
The library had no computers, just shelves the residents filled full of books they shared among themselves. The craft room had storage bins that lined the walls; some were plastic totes, others looked like they were filing cabinets, most of them had names written on them, some simply said ‘community’. Colleen explained the sewing machines belonged to members but if it was left behind in the room, anyone was free to use it. The building housing the kitchen was the largest of five, with an impressive setup. Industrial ovens, an eight-burner gas stove, stainless-steel workstations. Pots, pans, baking sheets, knives—you name it and it was stocked, ready to be used by all. There were even three large pressure cookers. The area was also spotless—something Allyson said wasn’t a rule as such, but everyone respected each other, therefore they tidied up after themselves and left the area clean after they used it. Respect, meaning there didn’t have to be a rule made about cleanliness.
There were also gallon jugs of cleaning agents under the center workspace.
Colleen told us all the cleaning products were supplied by Nu Dawn and Tate saw to refilling them when they got low. Which brought us to a discussion about the only unwed man on the property, Mackenzie’s supposed brother. He lived off the top of the loop, down a half-mile stretch that also led to three more buildings and a shipping container he’d converted into a house. Those buildings were a mechanic shop, a woodworking shed, and storage for building materials, tools, chemicals, things like that.
We needed to see those buildings and the chemicals he stored. Unfortunately, we didn’t have an excuse to make the trek out there to investigate.
As a whole, the property was serene, set in the mountains surrounded by firs, maples, cedar, and pine trees. The landscaping around the buildings and homes was well-maintained. Each house we’d passed had a water collection barrel to catch rainwater. Some had more than one while each community building had at least two. And the kitchen building had five, which made sense, seeing as there was a large garden planted beside it.
Nu Dawn wasn’t about waste—not even rainwater—it was about conservation and nature.
Everything looked perfect. Even the tiny homes around the curve of the loop in the newer housing section were cute. I could see how living like this would be appealing to some. Every person we passed during our walk had smiled and waved. If they were close enough, they called out a greeting; those who were at a yelling distance simply held up a hand.
Respect. No one wanted to yell across the street and potentially disturb a neighbor.
It was refreshing but a tad creepy.
Too perfect.
The vibe was relaxation and creativity and showing up as you are. As long as you didn’t encroach on someone else’s wellbeing, you were accepted.
It would’ve been the ideal place to live if Mackenzie hadn’t turned it into a base of operations for drug and weapons manufacturing.
Neither had it taken me long to understand why Allyson had been resolute when speaking about the compound. She didn’t see Nu Dawn as a cult, she saw it as a way of life. There was no praying at the altar of Mackenzie Archer, though she was respected. They didn’t seem to be a bunch of fanatics demanding a certain behavior.
Perhaps we’d gotten that part wrong.
Nu Dawn wasn’t a cult, it was a cover-up. Which begged the question, how many residents were in on it and how many were oblivious? Allyson had been unaware. Colleen, too, seemed relaxed—saddened by the death of a friend but not on edge. During our walk she was open to our questions and happy to talk about where she lived, and she spoke with pride.
On our way back to Allyson’s house, we made a detour at Colleen’s request to a house where a woman named Phoebe lived. It had a little wooden sign painted pink with bright-white lettering that announced all were welcome to enter a very small greenhouse next to her equally small home.
I was standing in the doorway of what couldn’t have been bigger than a very large walk-in closet. Though I didn’t have to enter to see the beauty that was inside. Makeshift wooden tables were arranged inside—three to be exact. Sitting on the tables were various colors and sizes of orchids. I wasn’t a flower person but still, I knew orchids weren’t easy to grow and maintain and the ones in the greenhouse were spectacular.
Colleen was excitedly telling me all about the geothermal system Phoebe had installed to heat and cool her home and the greenhouse when I heard, “Sorry to interrupt.”
I turned, expecting to meet the homeowner. It wasn’t Phoebe who’d stopped for a chat, it was the devil herself. Mackenzie Archer. I recognized her immediately, but instead of the classy, stylish dresses she wore when on stage at one of her seminars, she was wearing tailored black shorts, a loose-fitting, slouchy cotton shirt with a paisley print, and Birkenstocks on her feet. She looked like she was trying to fit in, but didn’t quite pull it off.
“I heard you were home,” Mackenzie said warmly as she approached Allyson and Tucker a few feet behind Colleen and me.
“Hey, Kenzie,” Allyson sweetly returned, leaving Tucker’s side to greet her friend with a hug.
I glanced at Tucker who was looking to the side at the neighbor’s house. My gaze followed. I caught a glimpse of a dark-haired man as he quickly ducked around the corner of the home.
Was that Tate? And if so, why had he hurried out of sight? Allyson had said she’d rarely seen him, but to scurry away? That seemed odd.
When the two women disengaged, another round of introductions was made.
Mackenzie was warm and inviting, putting on one hell of a show.
“Please feel free to enjoy the common spaces while you’re here,” she invited. “Lorilei does guided meditation from four to four-thirty Monday through Friday. If you’re interested, I know she’d love to have you.” Mackenzie paused to look at Tucker. “I apologize; our men’s locker room in there is dreadful. A remodel is on the ever-growing list of chores for my brother to get to. When I began construction here, only women lived on the premises. As we’ve grown, it’s been a challenge to keep up.” Another pause, this one to rake her gaze over Tucker’s physique. “I’m sure you saw we have some free weights in there, but I’m afraid nothing that will assist you in a workout.”
Was she flirting with my man right in front of me?
I stepped closer to Tucker and leaned into him while tipping my head back to ask, “What do you say, honey, guided meditation to start our day?”
Tucker’s lips twitched.
I didn’t give a flying crap I’d given away the whole kit-and-caboodle—including exposing my jealous streak. I was not a woman who enjoyed other women appreciating her man. From afar, sure. Noting how handsome he was with a smile, fine. But standing close, while taking a perusal of his chest and biceps before commenting, absolutely not. And for the record, it was right then, in real time, I’d discovered I was not that type of woman. Arnie had been good-looking, he’d garnered female attention, but at the time it had never bothered me. Thinking back on it after I’d found out he was cheating, it still hadn’t made me jealous. But Mackenzie giving my Tucker a once-over had me wanting to rip her eyeballs out of her head.
“Whatever you want to do. But I’d like to be out scouting the area before lunch.”
“Scouting the area?” Mackenzie butted in.
Okay, so she didn’t butt in , she took the bait Tucker had dangled, which was what we wanted, but I still didn’t like it.
What could I say? I was learning I could be a petty bitch.
“Tucker and I are thinking about moving to the area. So far, our realtor doesn’t have any showings scheduled, so we’re just gonna drive around and scout out some areas we’re interested in.”
“Liza’s an artist,” Colleen eagerly told Mackenzie.
Much too eager.
Oddly eager.
“Oh? What medium?”
I waved off the question and Colleen’s announcement. “Being an artist is the dream. Right now, I just?—”
“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Mackenzie said. “But do you put color to canvas? Hands in clay? Heat and bend metal?”
“Color to canvas,” I told her.
“Then you create art. Thus, you are an artist. You were that the first time your brush touched a blank canvas. A single stroke is creating something new, something only you can craft. If I may be bold, your dream is not to be an artist but perhaps a successful artist. Those are two very different things. Creating art comes from your soul. Success comes from understanding the path you must travel to achieve the goals you set.”
She actually sounded like she believed that. And that was not the first time I’d heard her say something similar in one of her seminars.
“You’re right. I am an artist,” I conceded with a bright smile I hoped didn’t look fake. “Unfortunately, a starving one, if not for my day job, and this guy.” I made a show of giving Tucker a squeeze. “Another reason we’re looking to leave Atlanta. The cost of living as well as the hustle and bustle of the city hasn’t been conducive to me, well…finding my muse. I need something like this...” I swept my hand around the yard. “The quiet beauty you’ve created.”
“Nu Dawn is a community effort. But thank you, we’ve worked extremely hard to find the right balance. Sadly, not all find what they’re looking for and find it elsewhere.”
Colleen looked down at her bare feet and sniffed. Allyson’s lips pinched and I wondered if it was to hide the quiver I caught, or to stop herself from calling out Mackenzie’s possible role in her friend’s death. Whichever it was, Allyson remained quiet.
Tucker spoke into the void. “The human element is the great disrupter. You can build and foster safety, harmony, and fulfillment but you cannot wish something into existence for someone else. They need to seek to be who they want to be, then act on those aspirations.”
“How correct you are, Tucker. Will you and Liza be at the vigil tomorrow night? I think it would be a good opportunity for the both of you to meet the residents. While the community as a whole is in mourning, we are also well aware how precious life is and we’re using tomorrow as a time to celebrate the life of a shining star who was taken from us far too soon.”
“If it’s not an intrusion it would be our honor.”
“As I said, we are celebrating life. There is no such thing as intruding in such an event.”
I did not like this woman.
I didn’t like her before I met her and I didn’t like her now.
There was something off about her. And not just because evidence was suggesting she had a hand in making and distributing illegal narcotics. Beyond the strong indication she had her hand in the manufacturing of weapons.
Every word she’d spoken felt rehearsed and practiced. Her tone might’ve been warm and friendly but this bitch was cold-hearted.
I glanced at Allyson at the same time her gaze lifted and locked with mine.
I couldn’t get a read on her outside the sorrow.
I gave her a tight smile, ducked out from under Tucker’s arm, and made my way to Allyson.
A friend would offer comfort, right ? Girlfriends hugged and held hands when one of them was in need, right ? I’d seen it done on TV and movies. I’d never witnessed my mother offering any of her friends a hug other than a hello or a goodbye. Actually, I’d never witnessed my mother being openly affectionate with anyone.
Weird.
I only had a few female friends and I wasn’t close enough to any of them to hug, except Sunny Kent, and up until recently if someone had tried to pull her into an embrace she’d throat punch them before she broke an arm. So I’d never been openly affectionate with any girlfriends, either.
Now I was thinking that was weird, too. It wasn’t like I didn’t work with women, I did. Sure, the majority of my peers were male but I did have female work friends. I had friendships, just not deep meaningful ones, save Tucker. He was the only friend I had where I felt safe to be me. Not even with my husband had I let my guard down.
That meant when I put my arm around Allyson it was awkward. She was taller than me for one, and for two I didn’t know where to put my hand around her back.
Gah.
Thankfully, Allyson knew what to do. She turned into me, gave me a tight squeeze, and mumbled, “This is so hard. Thank you for being here.”
The woman was thanking me when I was there to tear her life apart.
Yeah, awkward didn’t cover how I felt. For the first time since I’d joined the ATF, I was in a situation where taking down the bad guys would hurt a lot of innocent people. That wasn’t how this was supposed to work.
“We’re here for you, Ally,” I whispered. “I mean that, you hear me?”
“Yeah.”
With a sigh and sniffle, she released me, but immediately grabbed my hand and held on tight.
So, girlfriends did hold hands.
Tucker cleared his throat.
My attention went to him and when it did something new stole over me, and it was not awkward or angry or any of the other weird things I’d been feeling since we got in the car this morning.
It was almost like I could feel Tucker’s pride. A whisper of a phantom touch brushing over my cheek, featherlight and soft and full of love.
All of that from a look.
“If we want to eat dinner before midnight we should get back.” Allyson made our excuse to leave. “Do you have plans, Colleen?”
“Yeah. I’m going to Dottie’s tonight for homemade pizza sandwiches and gin rummy.”
Allyson’s gaze shifted to Mackenzie.
Secretly I hoped the bitch had plans, even though it would be better for the case to spend as much time with her as possible.
“Another time, Ally. I have a Zoom mentorship this evening.”
Getting rich off women who want to better themselves.
Yep, total b-i-t-c-h.
It was after dinner. After Tucker had sent Dylan the footage from the button camera I’d worn during our tour. After Tucker had cleaned up the dishes while Ally and I had chatted on the couch. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her, and the worse I felt about what was going to happen—no, what had already happened.
Separation was necessary. Compartmentalizing was the name of the game. But I was having trouble putting Allyson in a box, which made me hate Mackenzie all the more.
Tucker’s hand on my hip squeezed.
“What’s on your mind?” he gently probed.
We were cuddling. Unlike the first night I’d slept next to him in his king-sized bed, or the second night in a queen, we were now in a full-sized bed, meaning the cuddling was needed if Tucker and I were both going to fit. At least that’s what I was telling myself.
“Allyson,” I whispered back.
“She’s doing great.”
She was, totally. She hadn’t slipped up once and she’d been believable.
But since we were keeping our cover even in Allyson’s house, not knowing if it was safe to speak freely, I couldn’t say what I wanted to say so instead I settled on, “I’m worried about her.”
On another squeeze he said, “She’s going to be fine.”
I wasn’t so sure about that. She loved her home, loved her friends, loved living in the mountains and she hadn’t hidden any of that on our tour.
Screw Mackenzie.
I had a thousand questions for Tucker. None of which I could ask, mainly because they centered around his time undercover. How he’d done this kind of work for so many years, how he’d immersed himself in the lives of criminals—not for days or weeks but for months on end, how he’d managed to keep himself intact and do that all alone.
Meanwhile, I had him with me and I was ready to come apart after an afternoon. I’d been undercover before and knew there would always be collateral damage, but this was worse than normal. We weren’t surrounded by criminals, we were surrounded by good people with big dreams and a felonious bitch who was going to crush a lot of people. Still, it put what Tucker had done into perspective.
“You’re impressive,” I told him.
“What?”
“I mean, I’ve always known that. I just don’t think I’ve ever told you, what you do, who you are, it’s impressive.”
“Baby—”
“I don’t know how you did it for so long. How you didn’t lose yourself in it. But you never did. You’ve always just been… you .”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you . Strong, patient, kind, honorable, funny, loving. You never lost that. A month, nine, a year when you were done, you just came back to yourself.”
“No, Lizzy, I came back to you.”
Almost immediately the air in my chest evacuated. Was that true? Was that what he thought?
“Tucker…” I trailed off when he picked my hand up off his chest and started twisting my ring around my finger.
“Straight up, Lizzy, I lost myself to it. My humanity. My honor. Out of necessity I became someone I didn’t like. Every time, it tore chunks out of me, ate away at my insides, and it wasn’t until I heard your voice or saw you that I’d come back to myself. That I’d remember the man I was and the man you expected me to be. The only thing that kept me going, kept me sane, was knowing when I was done, I was going home to you, even if home was a phone call.”
Guilt assailed hard and fast.
“I never should’ve walked away.”
Tucker stopped playing with my ring but only to bring my palm to his lips and kiss the band before he placed my hand over his heart.
“But you did,” he murmured. “And I should’ve told you the truth that night, but I didn’t. Sometimes, things work out when they’re supposed to work out. Sometimes, you gotta be patient. Other times you gotta push forward. The tricky part is when to do what.”
Tucker was proving he had the patience of a saint. Though he’d made it clear he was done waiting for me to sort my head and he was now pushing. Which was the only way we’d move forward; left on my own, I’d continue to live in denial. I’d live in that space between reality and the false world my father had built around me.
Speaking of …
“What did my father say?”
“Nothing worth repeating.”
I felt my stomach roil, my body tighten, and the urge to pull away from Tucker seeped in.
“No. Hell, no. Whatever is happening in your head right now, shut it down. He’s not allowed in this bed. He does not intrude. He does not get into your head and steal your peace. He’s a dick. In the five minutes I spoke to him he made that clear. I used that time to make myself equally clear he’s done doing that. You are no longer available to him. I don’t know if that’s gonna swing your mother out there and he’ll turn his venom on her. What I do know is that’s not my problem and it’s not yours. Like my mother, if yours doesn’t like the situation she’s found herself in, she can change it. But it’s not my problem and it’s not yours.”
I used that time to make myself equally clear he’s done doing that.
You are no longer available to him.
Mine.
“It’s just me,” I whispered.
It was Tucker’s turn to go solid.
“What’s just you?”
“He doesn’t talk to my mom like that. He loves her.”
“That’s jacked.”
“Maybe, but that’s the way it is.”
“No, Lizzy, that’s fucked up. No maybe about it.”
He wasn’t wrong about that, it was fucked up, as was their whole relationship.
“It’s strange because sometimes he openly loves her, he’s attentive, they go on trips and date nights, and he parades her around to work events and such. He does nice things for her.” As I was speaking something hit me, something so obvious I couldn’t believe I’d never seen it before. “But it’s all on his schedule. As long as showing her love and attention doesn’t interfere with work or a trip he wants to take without her. He shows up to the parties they’re invited to but only the ones he wants to. He likes her to get dressed up and to take her to a fancy dinner but only to places where he knows they’ll be seen by people who matter to him. It’s always about him. His time. His conditions. His needs. I always thought it was me, I was the burden. The drain on his time he couldn’t be bothered with. But now I’m thinking it’s anyone and anything that doesn’t fit his agenda is the problem. Everything revolves around him with no consideration to anyone else.”
Tucker shifted, taking me with him so I was on my back and he was balanced above me. And there in the darkened room, in the mountains of Tennessee, he gave me something that was more beautiful than all the other beautiful gestures he’d gifted me.
“It’s not about you. It was never about you. It’s human nature to want it to be about us even if it’s ugly and harmful. We want to matter, and if the neglect isn’t our fault where does that leave us? So we lean into that and make it about us. Something is better than nothing, something means we’re not meaning less . It’s about him being selfish and not caring about anyone but himself. That doesn’t make you unworthy or unlovable, that makes him incapable of giving those things. And mark this, baby, what is insignificant to him, is my everything. You’re everything. You’re important, relevant, loved. You’re beautiful and smart and kind. He didn’t make you those things. He didn’t guide and teach you. You’re just you and became that on your own. That’s not strong, baby, that’s miraculous.
“Now you see him for who he is. You said it yourself, it’s all about him and his schedule. So the last thing I want to point out is love isn’t something you clock in and out of. You’re in or you’re out. And, Lizzy, your dad never checked in, not with you and not with your mom. That’s not love, at least not a love that’s healthy.”
“I know it’s not.”
“Good. So you need to know I’m checked in. I wasn’t taught what love is by watching my parents. I got no guidance from them. But you sure as hell taught me and?—”
“I taught you?”
How was that possible? Tucker was right; no one showed me how to love, not by example and not by word.
Tucker lowered himself down, giving me more of his weight. That small signal of trapping me under him brought back my guilt. He was worried I’d try to escape.
“Tucker—”
“I need you to listen to me, Lizzy.”
Oh yeah, he thought I was retreating.
“I will, but please roll off.”
The tightness in his frame made my shame intensify.
“Please trust me,” I whispered.
Slowly, Tucker rolled back to our earlier position. As soon as his back hit the sheets I scrambled on top of him and planted my knees on either side of his hips. It might’ve been silly but I needed him to know whatever he had to say would likely scare the pants off me but I wasn’t going to physically run away. I wasn’t going to retreat into my head and lock him out.
He’d never lied to me—I’d lied to him.
He’d never broken my trust—I’d broken his.
He’d given me too much—and I hadn’t given enough.
So it was silly, but I didn’t want him pinning me down, using his big body like a shield to protect me from something that was terrifying.
“Now you can tell me,” I prompted.
I felt Tucker relax. I really wished there was more than just the moonlight filtering in through the sheer curtains because while I couldn’t see it, I suspected his features went soft, and seeing Tucker’s eyes gentle on me was one of my most favorite looks—second only to when his gaze turned heated and hungry. The first, I’d seen a lot over the years, the second, regrettably only a handful.
“You know how jacked up my parents’ marriage is,” he started and I nodded. “So you know living in that, I wasn’t shown much beyond dysfunction and how to abuse someone’s love for you. I wanted no part of having a relationship with a woman. I didn’t want commitment. I didn’t want love. I didn’t want anything I could turn toxic like he did.
“Then I met you and I learned what love truly was and through that I learned to trust myself. I knew down to my soul I would never do to you what my father did to my mother. I knew I loved you the right way when instead of giving into my selfish needs, I put you first. I won’t lie and tell you part of my decision not to take us out of our friendship and into something different didn’t also have to do with me not being ready to give up a life I’d put a lot of work into living.”
Tucker’s hands on my thighs tightened. I got it. He wanted me to read between the lines.
He hadn’t been ready to give up undercover work.
“I get it,” I told him.
“But I loved you. First as a friend, and, baby, it took far too long to get to where I wanted us to be, but in a way I’m glad we took the long road. I’m glad we got that time behind us. I’m glad we laid the foundation, taking years to build it into something solid. Now all we need to do is keep going. Keep growing what we have. It’s all there, Lizzy.”
I put you first.
No one had ever put me first.
“It’s all there,” I repeated.
His hands slid up my thighs, curled around my hips, and that time when he anchored me to him, I didn’t mind.
“We love each other, baby.”
No one will ever love you if you don’t stop…
I shook my head dislodging my father’s cruelty.
Mine.
It’s not going to be okay, it’s going to be everything you need.
We’re going to build a beautiful life, baby.
“We love each other,” I tested the words.
“Come closer, baby.”
I leaned forward and rested my forearms on his t-shirt-covered chest.
“Wish we were home and you were naked so I could slide inside you.”
Well, so what if the room was bugged—Tate or Mackenzie was going to hear Tucker’s sexy words that had me squirming on his lap.
“Tucker,” I whispered.
“You love me?”
“Yes.”
“Come closer, Lizzy.”
There wasn’t much farther to go but I closed the last bit of space, leaving only a hair’s breadth between our lips.
“You know I love you?”
My heart decided now was a good time to start pounding out of control.
“Yes.”
“One day you’re gonna say those words to me,” he muttered against my lips.
Before I could tell him I was ready to say them now, his lips hit mine. The kiss was nothing more than a glide of our tongues. A slow, sexy dance that didn’t last long. He pulled back, brushed his mouth over my cheek to my ear, and he risked blowing our cover to whisper, “Shh, not yet, baby. I’ve waited ten years to have you again. Ten very long fucking years. The next time I slide inside you it’ll be with those words rolling off your tongue. It’ll be us coming together in every way we can. We have one first time doing that, and it’s not going to be in Allyson’s guest room. It’s gonna be in our bed when I can take my time showing you just how special the gift of you is.”
I love you , I thought.
“Okay, honey.”
“Okay.” He kissed my temple and pulled back. “Now do you think you can go the whole night without your middle-of-the-night strip tease, or should I put on some sweats in preparation?”
I stretched out fully on top of him and tangled my bare leg with his.
Then I told him, “I’m in shorts and a tee.”
“And that means?”
I rested my head in the crook of his neck and breathed in deep. Soap and Tucker with a hint of Ralph Lauren. Heaven.
“It means we should be safe from me overheating… maybe.”
“You’re gonna be naked in the morning.”
He was probably right so I stayed quiet.
“Night, baby.”
“Night, Tucker.”
One arm slid around my back to hold me close and his other hand cupped my ass.
It didn’t take me long to drift off to sleep.
My last thought was I was already hot.