Chapter 10
CHAPTER 10
DORI
There’s not one person in this conference room whose heart isn’t pounding out of their chest. It’s been two weeks of nothing but solid work leading up to this moment. We’re all white-knuckling anything in our grip.
“Are we ready?” Hunter asks Jonah.
“Let’s hope we are.” Jonah smiles at Hunter and then at Jami.
Hunter tips his chin toward Jamison. He turns to Jonah, and he nods. Jamison moves his mouse and clicks a button.
The beta launch starts on the big screen, projecting the app, which flashes with a colorful blip. The app goes live, and the room erupts in hollers and cheers, followed by smacks on the back in congratulations.
“Nicely done, team. Nicely done.” Hunter grabs Jonah and gives him a bear hug.
Jami stands and stares at the mock app in all its glory. His hands slide into his pockets as he soaks up his success.
I can’t help but notice everyone in the room hugging and congratulating each other while he takes it in alone. My heart surges with guilt and heartbreak, but I force a grin onto my face and hug anyone near me .
Jonah raises his hands above his head and claps to get everyone’s attention. The room falls to a hush and we all wait to see what he has to say.
Jonah stands at the front of the room. “This is a significant milestone. The board will be happy to hear we’re right on schedule and the app is beautiful. The next phase is taking it live to the public.”
Hunter joins him. “I’d like to thank you all for the overtime and the attention to the details, as we had to change things almost minute by minute. I’d like to especially thank our technology team for helping out with the gaps.”
He glances at Jami and skims over acknowledging his hard work. Instead, Hunter thanks the marketing and sales teams for getting everything together and providing such fantastic input.
When the speech is over, Melanie throws her arms around Jami’s neck and plants a kiss on his cheek. They share a brief exchange as I pretend not to watch.
“What do you say we celebrate tonight?” Hunter says it in my ear as he embraces me, pretending it’s just another congratulatory embrace.
I pull away and smile. “That would be nice. I’ll text you later.”
He nods and moves on to Niles. My eyes sweep the room to find Jami, but he’s already gone.
He doesn’t stick around long anymore. After the day I ripped his heart out and ran over it with an asphalt grinder, we’ve only spoken about work.
It’s been hell on earth being so distant with him, but I can’t give him what he wants. He deserves to be angry with me and move on with a woman who can give him a child.
Yet I want to fix things with him. He means too much to me not to apologize to him.
My therapist is focusing heavily on my healing from my loss appropriately, but it’s been challenging. I’ve walked down to Jami’s office to apologize more times than I can count, but I always chicken out. What would I say anyway?
Sorry that I basically told you our baby I was carrying never existed and don’t ever talk about it.
I don’t know how I can recover from that one. If he said it to me, I’d never speak to him again. But he deserves more from me than ignoring what I did to him, so I sneak out and go to his office.
He’s standing with his hands in his pockets, staring out the window. Even from the back, he’s the sexiest man alive. I take a second to take him in and enjoy the reclusive, raw, powerful man I see before me.
I rattle my knuckles against his door. He spins around and as I come into his view, the smile on his face disappears.
“Do you have a minute?” I gesture to the chairs in his office.
He glances at them, avoiding my eyes, and marches to his desk. “Take a seat.”
I step in and close the door behind me as he sits.
He runs his hand over his stubbly beard as he watches me. “Do we need to have the door closed?”
“Yes. I’m not in here to talk about work. This is personal.”
“There’s nothing to discuss.”
“There is, and you know it.” I sit in the chair before him.
My guts flip with nervous butterflies and shame. I’m sure I hurt him worse than anyone has, and my stomach hates me for it. I still can’t eat without wanting to throw up.
What I did to him presses on my soul and makes me ill to the core. The only good thing that came out of it was that I got myself back into therapy. It’s been brutal, to say the least.
He leans his elbow against the arm of his chair, bent so he can run his hand over his mouth. His head is tilted, and he’s considering something as he studies my face. Anger blazes in his eyes.
“So when you want to talk about our personal issues, that’s fine, but fuck me when I do.” He glances at the door and shakes his head. “Say what you need to say and then go.”
My chest caves in. I knew I hurt him, but he might hate me now. I swallow to get myself together. He sighs heavily, telling me he’s done with waiting.
I suck in a deep breath and put my brave face on. I meet his gaze with mine, begging him to hear me out.
My heart pounds loud and hard, beat by beat like a base drum. “You didn’t deserve how I treated you. I was hurt and took it out on you.”
Something sinister spins in his gaze, and his eyes fill with disgust. He lowers his head as he cups his hands in his lap.
“Jami, what was that look for?”
He grunts and raises his head. “Do you really want me to answer that?”
“Yes. I want to have an honest conversation about this.” I glance at the door and then turn back. “Everyone is upstairs celebrating. We won’t be interrupted.”
“An honest conversation?” His eyebrows rise, and he gives me an out by throwing in words from our night together. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
I nod, giving him the go-ahead.
Jami shoots me a look of revulsion. “You say you were in pain and took it out on me, yet your pain wasn’t enough to stop you from giving Hunter head, now was it?”
I did not expect that.
A bolt of sheer panic has me wanting to run and hide.
My insides hollow out as my eyes round in shock. “What are you talking about?”
Jami huffs a laugh. “No, you’re right, Dori. You did take it out on me by doing that the very night… Fuck this. I’m done with this conversation.”
His words are machetes slashing through me. I’m frozen in guilt and in a horror film where Jami and I are the starring actors. Oh, but if only it were a movie. That would be easier than this.
My eyelids flutter rapidly. “I don’t know where you got?—”
“Look, don’t even try it on me. I’ll save you from making a total ass out of yourself and tell you Hunter told me.”
Good God, why would he do that?
I’ve ruined everything.
“Hunter says things to get to you. He knows what makes you tick.” I rush for an excuse, but this one is horrible. I swerve and take Jami on a different path.
“Jami, I feel terrible about everything. I can’t explain it, but without you in my life, I can’t breathe. It’s like there’s no air when I’m not with you.”
“No air? It’s a momentary hiccup you’ll get over. You know you can. You always have.” His eyes gloss over as if he’s not the one speaking.
There’s nothing but resentment coming off him, and I don’t blame him. I reach for something to get us back on a level playing field. The problem is, I deserve all his anger.
“Jami, we shared something beautiful.”
“Stop. You used the same line on me that day at Iron Mountain, but we both know the truth. We knew it the second you told Hunter you loved him on the way back to Denver.”
“But—”
“No, Dori. There was nothing beautiful about it. It was created out of fear and the need for comfort and relief. That’s all it was.” Jamison chokes on his words.
He takes a breath and clears his throat. “That night isn’t on you, Dori. I was reliving the nightmare of my parents’ deaths and needed some solace. You were someone I thought I could trust with my heart.”
“Don’t rewrite the narrative, Jami. That night wasn’t just any other night. You told me you loved me after that.” My gaze falls to the floor. “I love you too, but I didn’t think you would want something with me after I lost?— ”
“From what you’ve told me, you lost nothing. It didn’t happen. What I’ve come to is this.”
He stands and strides to the window. “In another time…another lifetime, maybe it could’ve been that all-consuming undying love. But in this one, it’s only half of that. When only one person wants what’s possible, there is no whole. I see that now, Dori.”
“Jami, I can’t be your whole because I can’t give you the family you want.” I rush to his side with my soul bleeding because of what I’m saying.
I just don’t want to go through that agony ever again. My heart still has armor over it because our loss demolished me. I’ve distanced myself from it. It’s too much, and I still can’t bear it.
He stares out the glass. “Hey, no sweat. Tell yourself whatever you need. How I see it is that we played to the end and explored what we might have been.
“The game’s over by your ruling, so life goes on like it always does after you do this to me. After all, you’re with Hunter now. Or again or whatever. It doesn’t matter.”
Jami lifts his chin upward. He peers above like he wishes his one true love would float down from heaven with angel wings, guiding her gently into his arms.
“What does that mean? The game is over?” I ask.
He turns to me with lost hope in his sad blue eyes. “It means the score is Jamison, zero: Dori and her other men, five by my last count. I’m done playing, so I’m on my knees begging.
“Please, let me go for good because you shred my soul over and over until there’s nothing left, and it’s vicious. I can’t live through another attack.”
My chin quivers. “This isn’t how I wanted this to go.”
“I told you the last time we talked about this. It’s on you now, not me. I was ready and willing to face anything that stood in our way. But now I’m out of this thing we have. Had. It’s over and done with.” He huffs a laugh. “Aiden was right all along. You and I are nothing but?—”
“Leave Aiden out of this.” My chest fills with desperation.
I’m about to hyperventilate. I was fearful Jami would turn me away once and for all. But I was hoping we’re stronger than that, like something that’s meant to be if we could only find our footing. But in his eyes is nothing but resolve.
I’ve destroyed us.
“Look, in the end, it just isn’t worth it to me anymore. You kicked a steel-toed boot into my heart when I was at my lowest. That day was harder for me than you’ll ever understand. I would’ve explained if you would have let me in, but that’s not what you wanted.”
“I’m sorry, Jami. I didn’t…”
“You think it only affected you, but that baby was mine as well. But who the fuck am I to complain? It’s too selfish of me to mourn, right?”
“No, that’s not what I was saying.” I reach out to him.
He turns away and rubs his chest. “You’re the only one allowed to experience the hurt that loss caused. I was just some donor, so it can’t mean anything to me, right?”
My stomach clenches as I take in his words. My mind reels and my heart cries, all while searching for a way to salvage our relationship.
He starts in before I can. “You still have your family, all your friends, and a guy to hold and comfort you at night when you want to die just so you don’t have to feel anything anymore.”
His body shakes as he continues. “Fuck me for not understanding your grief. I’m just some shallow guy you had a one-night stand with. Besides, what the fuck would I know about loss? And why would I care, right?”
“Jami, I never knew… I never thought… I didn’t consider you at the time. I’m so sorry.”
“You picked him that night even when we shared something incredibly intertwined.” He blows a gust of air from his lungs in resignation.
“I’m sorry.” It comes out as a whisper.
“Go to Hunter and get him off all you want. I won’t be thinking about what you do with him anymore. As a matter of fact, I think it’s time I start seriously dating.”
“Jami, now you’re just trying to hurt me.”
“I’m doing no such thing. I’m preparing you for what’s going to happen. This love triangle is over. It’s my turn for someone to love me back and choose me. I might find it on the first time out, but if I don’t, I will have fun exploring my options.”
I stand stunned, with my mouth hanging open. He continues to let his feelings be known.
“What you do with him is your business. What I’ll be doing… Well, you know how I am in bed, so use your imagination.” He holds my horrified stare and doesn’t blink until I tear my eyes away.
This all went terribly wrong.
I shuffle back to the chair, trying to find a way to get this back in the right direction. “Jami, you’re lashing out and being cruel.”
“And again, it’s okay when you do it to me, but fuck me when I do it to you.”
He returns to his desk, sits, and absentmindedly moves a pen. “We’re done here. Unless it’s work-related, I don’t want to speak to you anymore. You don’t get that part of me ever again.”
I catch his icy gaze with mine. “So that’s it. You can just walk away without trying to talk this through?”
His eyes narrow, and he leans toward me. “If you can tell me why you thought the night we lost something we both loved and wanted, it was perfectly fine to put another man’s dick in your mouth, I’ll consider it.”
“Why do you keep bringing that up? I was hurting. It was a mistake.” I collapse into the chair. “I was trying to escape it all because it was too painful. God, Jami. I thought you were pissed at me for not being more careful. Please don’t hold that against me for life.”
“You’re a fucking hypocrite. You and I went out on one date. I made a mistake by going to the hospital to see a sick friend without communicating well with you. Sure, I fucked up, but I owned up to it and took responsibility for it.”
“I know you did.”
“I’m not done speaking.” He spews with revenge. “You saw me at a club later, giving myself a break from the stress. I was doing nothing wrong other than talking to another woman. You jumped to conclusions and blocked me out of your life without hesitation.”
I place my hands on the arms of the chair and lean toward him. “We worked that out already.”
“But you cut me out of your life for a while. Who’s to say we would’ve made up if I didn’t start working here?”
He slams his palm against his heart. “I’ve never hurt you the way you hurt me that night. You took whatever so-called beautiful thing we created and shoved it down your throat along with another man’s?—”
“Please don’t do this, Jami.”
His eyes tear into mine. “If you don’t understand why I keep mentioning how you ran to another man, you’re not looking at the situation hard enough.”
“I said I’m sorry.”
“You knew I loved you. You said you loved me too, but how can anyone do that when they truly feel that way? I know I never would. But hey, maybe it’s something your parents have taught you.”
I flinch back. “Jami, stop. I fucked up, and I’ve apologized. You didn’t deserve what I did, and I’ll never forgive myself for behaving like such a child.”
He takes a long, deep breath, taking in my words. “You no longer have a hold on me. I’m exhausted and tired of being rejected by you. You can go with no guilt looming over you. You and me, it was never meant to be.”
The door opens and we turn in that direction. Hunter steps in, his face almost purple.
The night he almost killed Jami comes flying back into my mind. Hunter overheard our conversation and now we’re both going to pay.
He glares at Jami and then at me. “You two have a lot to explain.”