Chapter 13
CHAPTER 13
DORI
My heart erupts with betrayal. “Answer me!”
Jami and Mel take a quick peek at each other. They remain standing near the window in his office like they’re statues.
They’re going to make up a lie and hide their relationship from me.
Spots take over my vision and I sway.
Jami runs to me and grabs me by the waist. “Calm down and breathe.”
“You want me to calm down? You can’t honestly think that will be my reaction.” I try to pull away, but he tightens his grip.
“No, you don’t. You aren’t pushing me away this time.” He shifts with me in his arms and shuts the door behind him.
“You’re manhandling me, so let me go now or else I’ll scream.”
Mel and Jami.
Good God, I should’ve known. My blood races and everything in my sight distorts. He releases me, but I trip over my feet.
He takes me in his arms and stares into my rage-filled eyes. “Dori, stop for one minute and listen to me. I won’t try to move you, so please take a deep breath and sit down. We can explain everything.”
I study him, looking for deceit, but I only see his anxiousness for me to hear him out. I blink a few times and pull in a gust of air.
“Okay, I’ll sit, but don’t lie to me. I know you both well enough to know if you do.” I step out of his hold.
I glance at Melanie, who’s staring at me, her eyes full of apologies. Her shoulders soften and she walks to the other chair. We maintain eye contact until we’re both sitting.
Jami retreats to the edge of his desk and gazes down at us. “You came in at the end of a heavy conversation.”
“I know. I walked in on it. Remember?” I flip my hair over my shoulder, trying to forget what I heard.
“It wasn’t what you think.” Melanie chimes in, but her voice is timid and apologetic.
“I promise you, Dori. Melanie and I are not talking about running away together. Nor are we dating. We’re friends who have something in common.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, you both want to run away with each other.”
“No. I’m talking about you. You’re the link here.” Jami kneels before me.
My eyebrows knit together. “Then explain what you were talking about because I heard you tell her you were ready for your happily ever after. Right after that, she asked you if that meant running away. You said yes. Tell me how I misunderstood any of that.”
She clasps her hands together and rests them on her lap. “We were discussing life. Jami mentioned he was considering moving away after he completes his contract so he can find his perfect ending.”
“That doesn’t help me understand anything.” I prod her to continue.
Melanie leans toward me. “I’ve been down, so when I said we could run away and live happily ever after, I wasn’t suggesting we do it together. It was about me leaving. I said we because he was already talking about doing it.”
“You’re both thinking about moving away from here? Why?” My gaze flits between the two of them.
A new kind of disbelief fills me. If they both move, I’ll have nothing personal of my own. My life will revolve around Hunter and my job. My heart thumps against my rib cage at the thought of losing them.
Jami stands and rests against the edge of his desk. “For me, getting out of this city has to do with going where I can find what I want. I’m going to be twenty-eight soon and have one friend here who is old enough to be my grandfather. That’s not much of a social life.”
“Now I’m offended. You say we’re friends and I’m not old. Do I not count?” Melanie glares at Jami with her arms folded.
He shakes his head to disregard her question. “Mel, you and I are friends, but face it. Once I’m done working here, we’ll lose touch.”
“That’s great. I’m right back to where I started when I came in here.” She hangs her head.
I assess them. Their moods are low. Something about their conversation has them feeling pessimistic about life and what lies ahead.
It makes me consider what mine would look like without them. My stomach tightens and grief pulses through my blood.
Jami gestures to me. “Why don’t you tell Dori what you were explaining to me?”
Melanie raises her gaze to mine, but doesn’t say anything.
“Dori’s the one you wanted to have the conversation with anyway. She’s sitting right in front of you, so there’s no time like the present.” He pushes off his desk and strides over to his bookshelf, giving Melanie and me some space .
“What did you want to talk to me about?” I relax my stance and become the friend she knows me to be.
She peers over at me. “I miss you. I miss our talks and going out. We haven’t even gone to work out together. If I did something to piss you off, just tell me. I can handle that a lot better than the silent treatment you’ve been giving me.”
“Oh, Mel. I’m not upset with you. It’s just I’m… I’ve been…” I can’t finish my sentence. If I do, everything will bubble up to the surface and I’ll break.
“You’ve been what? Tell me. You used to trust me with this kind of stuff.” She rests her arms on her legs, giving me her full attention.
I swallow and glance at Jami. We make eye contact. In a second, he knows exactly what I need.
“I’ve got to talk with Jonah about his last request. We’ll be awhile, so use my office and take all the time you need.” He dips his head toward us, then walks out, closing the door behind him.
“Dori, please talk to me. I promise I won’t say anything sarcastic or without care to your feelings.”
I smirk and half laugh. “You’re ready to change yourself just to get me to talk?”
“If that’s what you need.” She smiles hopefully. “Try me. I could surprise you.”
“I don’t want you to change who you are. I love you the way you are. You’re my other half and keep me balanced. If you change, we’ll be lopsided.”
“In that case, I’ll be myself. But if you need me to back off, just tell me. I don’t want you to shut down and leave me out anymore.”
“I’m not purposely leaving you out of anything. My life flipped upside down and I’ve had a hard time finding the right side to land on.”
“How did it flip upside down?”
I cross my arms and search for the right words. I can barely talk about this stuff in therapy. And telling Mel about it has been impossible.
She may not know how to handle this with care, but I need to learn how to deal with it. This one really hurts, though.
“When I got sick. That changed everything. Jami and I can’t be in the same room because he’s hurting so much. I haven’t been able to work out, which has me not knowing what to do with all this pent-up energy, so I’ve shut down. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“Start with your doctor’s appointment and fill me in. Otherwise, I’ll miss a bunch of things I need to know.”
That day barrels in and I collapse into myself. The pain is too much, but I try to be the friend she needs me to be.
“As you’re aware, Jami took me. That part was fine. They told me I had a UTI that still hasn’t gone away, but they are using a stronger antibiotic now, so there’s hope.”
“This can’t all be over a UTI.”
“No, it’s not. I also have endometriosis. It puts me at a higher risk of having a miscarriage if I ever get pregnant.”
Mel nods like she understands. “You told me when you miscarried in college it was a really dark time in your life. Is that what you’re afraid of?”
I huff a laugh. “Terrified, more like it. I can’t go through another one, Mel. It would kill me.”
“I’m sorry.” She takes a minute to consider something. “Is that why you’ve been so distant?”
“Partially. I’ve heard the rumors about you and Jami. I’ve seen you together. A part of me loves it and the other part hates it.”
Her face pales. “Do you want me to stop being friends with him? I will if you need me to.”
“No. He needs a friend.” I shake my head and swallow my shame. “God knows he deserves one more than anyone. ”
“Then why can’t you two be in the same room together? You’re leaving something big out of this.”
“I hurt him and I don’t think there’s any hope of coming back from it. Maybe it’s for the best.”
“He says you aren’t on speaking terms, but I don’t know why.”
“What did he tell you?”
“Not much. All I know is how you reacted when you thought he and I were running off together isn’t how someone would act if they didn’t care. Not working it out with him isn’t for the best. You need a resolution.”
“I wish I could work it out with him, but what I did crossed a line. A big one of Jami’s.” My body fills with muddy, sticky guilt. “All he wants is a family of his own and in seconds, I destroyed any chance of him having one with me.”
Her eyes round. “Did you have an abor?—”
“No. It wasn’t that, but I was pregnant.” I hold back the sudden tears. “Shit. I don’t want to talk about this.”
She rushes to me and hugs me. “I’m so sorry. You should’ve told me. I would’ve let you cry on my shoulder as long as you needed to. You still can if you want.”
With that, I melt into her embrace as my agony takes over and causes me to shake in her arms. My cries fill the room while she holds me like a mother would hold her broken child. How I wish I would’ve let someone hold me like this that night.
“What did you do while I was away?” Hunter throws his dirty clothes into a pile on his bedroom floor.
I’m sitting on the edge of the mattress as he unpacks after a week away. “Work, therapy, and Melanie and I went out last night.”
“Yeah? What did you two?—”
“Oh, I almost forgot. I went to a spin class this morning.”
“You finally got a workout in. That’s great news. You’ve been too sick or busy, so you must be on the mend with a lot less pressure on your shoulders.” He takes some shoes out of his suitcase and disappears into his closet.
I wait for him to come back out before I speak. He pops his head around the corner and nods, telling me to continue.
“I feel better. The success of the mock launch has freed up more time on my calendar. I even sent all my advertisements to the respected parties earlier than planned. It’s a great feeling.”
He comes out of the closet and continues to unpack. “I like the sounds of that. I take it your night out with Melanie was fun.”
“It was. She was in true Melanie form, but I needed a night out like that.” I laugh under my breath.
“Why do you say that?”
“We met a bunch of our friends out.”
“Like who?”
“Oh, a bunch of people. It was a sizeable group.” I tuck my hair behind my ear. “Being out with everyone reminded me of how many people I have in my life that I’ve pretty much blown off since you and I started doing this thing we do.”
“This thing we do? That’s an interesting way of putting it.” He stops unpacking and stares at me for a moment.
My chest grows heavy. I need to have this talk with him, but I’m shaking inside. It could go well or turn into a disastrous fight.
With the blood swooshing through my ears, I get up and meander to the Juliet balcony doors. I try to appreciate a few snowflakes falling on the other side of the window as I figure out how to approach this conversation.
He joins me at my side. “Where’s your head at?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what’s going on with you? You’re talking about us like we’re having a casual fling.” He dips his head to find my gaze.
I turn to him and brace myself. “I’ve already told you I’m not ready to be serious. We talk about the future, but it’s still unclear to me.”
“What part is unclear?”
“I told you the other day. I’m not ready to be ‘official’ just yet. Yes, we’ve talked about the kid issue and the clause, but we still have a lot to learn about each other. Last night out with Mel opened my eyes to that.”
“Who all were you out with last night?” His voice rings out with warning as his cheeks turn red.
He’s about to lose his temper. I can see it in his eyes. I step away to give us some space.
“Why are you avoiding the question?” he growls, with fire in his eyes.
I glare. “Do not look at me like that.”
He takes a deep breath as he turns his head. He regains his composure. “I’m sorry. It’s just that when you pull away from me, something inside me gets flipped. I panic and get mad.”
“See, right there is what I’m talking about.”
“What? What did I say that was wrong?”
I relax my posture. “You didn’t say anything wrong. I’m not even mad at you. I don’t like that you got upset, but I’m trying to have a conversation. Not fight with you.”
“Good. I don’t want to fight with you either.” He glances at his suitcase. “If you don’t want our relationship to be serious, I’m going to need some parameters to work with. And so you know, this is worse than holding me at arm's length. At least then, we were sharing a bed.”
“Hunter, please try to understand.”
He stares into my eyes. “I’m trying to trust you again, but I’m not there yet. Not being with you that way makes me wonder why you don’t want to have sex with me.”
“That’s a good start. I don’t expect you to hand your trust over to me.”
“I wouldn’t think you would.”
“We weren’t together when that happened between Jami and me, but I get why you’re skittish about me going out when we aren’t sleeping together.” I take Hunter’s hand and lead him to the bed. “Sit, and let’s talk.”
“Since you’re better at this stuff, you start.” He shoves his suitcase to the other side and makes room for both of us.
“Fair enough.” I crawl to the center of the mattress and sit cross-legged. “Whenever you get scared about me leaving or needing space from you, you panic and get mad. That isn’t a normal reaction. Where does it come from?”
“I don’t like it when you walk out on me.” He remains standing with his hands on his hips.
“I get that. Why?”
He lowers his head, and his eyes dart around the floor. He swallows hard. “I don’t want to talk about that. It makes no difference.”
“But it does. People who are in a committed relationship share their innermost thoughts.”
“I don’t see why that’s necessary.” He turns his back to me. “Why focus on the past when the future is all that matters?”
“Does that mean you act that way because of something that happened to you?”
“I told you I don’t want to discuss that.” He storms out of the room.
A part of me wants to chase him and lay into him for doing the same thing he hates me doing, but whatever is bothering him seems to bring on some kind of rage. I decide it’s better to give him a minute to calm down.
I get up and meander to the window. If Hunter and I can get through this discussion, I’ll have a better idea of how I want to go forward. My thoughts bounce from him to Jami. I’ve never been torn like I am now.
Five minutes pass and Hunter still isn’t back. I figure I’ve given him plenty of time to relax. I round the corner and bump into him.
His chest heaves as he takes in air. “I was just coming back in to finish unpacking.”
“Are we going to finish our discussion?”
He brushes me aside and marches back into the bedroom. “I’m not going to go over that with you again. You know where I stand, so drop it.”
I want to scream. He’s being completely dismissive. I take a breath and try again, following him into the room.
My gaze finds his turbulent, fear-filled eyes. “Hunter, you say you want to marry me. If that’s true, you need to be able to find a way to talk about painful issues with me.”
“I don’t see the point.”
“Then, our relationship is surface level at best. I know it’s difficult, but you need to be able to share with me. What happened to you that has you panicking like your life depends on it?”