Chapter 17
Chapter
Seventeen
Venus
My phone had been blowing up. After letting my family know I was okay, I cut it off.
Trevor and I were supposed to go to Bora Bora for a relaxing, warm honeymoon.
Since it was such short notice and I packed warm clothes, Carson booked a flight to Miami for first thing in the morning.
I was cool with that, because there weren’t too many warm options in the U.S.
during this time of year. I didn’t have to leave the country; I just wanted to leave the city.
When he was done packing, he gave me a tour of his home. The seven bedroom abode was huge, and I was in love. My favorite part was outside. He had a pool, entertainment space with comfortable furniture and a fireplace, and a home gym.
“Now what do you need with all this space?” I teased as we walked back inside hand in hand.
“I bought it with the intention of getting ready for my family.”
“Aww that’s actually beautiful, Carson.”
“I know this is new for us, but I hope you can see this as your home one day.”
“I know I will. It’s beautiful, and I love the theater and game rooms. I honestly wouldn’t mind hiding out here for the next few days, but now I’m excited about Miami.”
Carson chuckled. “And you’re sure you’re okay with not going out of the country? We can go to Tulum, Bali, St. Lucia, or any Caribbean Island. I rented the private jet to ensure we can go wherever you’d like.”
Stopping, I wrapped my arms around him. “I love Tulum and Mexico in general, but I’m sure. I don’t need anything fancy. I really just want the chance to get to know you better.”
“Whatever you want,” he conceded, wrapping his arms around me. “What you did today was big. Still have no regrets?”
“None. Even if things don’t work out between us, and I believe they will, I didn’t need to marry him. I knew that but didn’t have the courage to walk away until you forced me to face my feelings for you.”
“Well, I know you’re saying you’re okay, but I want you to take a little time for yourself, aight? Pick any guest room you want and take some time to check in with you. When you’re ready, we can talk and start the process of getting to know each other, or just chill and let things flow naturally.”
“Okay, babe.”
“Mm, I like the sound of that.”
We mirrored each other’s smiles until he lowered himself to my lips.
I’d kissed a lot of guys before, but none of them felt like this.
His large hand cupped my cheek and tilted my head further, giving him more access to my mouth to deepen the kiss.
Sighing, I pressed my hands into his chest and melted against him.
I’d never understood the concept of inhaling a man’s exhales until kissing him.
We’d become one and turned something that used to be so simple into something so intimate, and it made me feel like I’d never been kissed or even handled properly before.
A low moan escaped him when we finally parted.
“Yeah, there’s no way you belonged with anyone else but me,” Carson declared.
All I could do was laugh because I couldn’t even deny that.
As we went upstairs, Carson assured me that I was in control and the pacing of what we did and how far we went was up to me.
He promised me that nothing would happen that I didn’t want to, but there was no doubt in my mind that he’d be deep in my pussy before the day was over.
Even though we hadn’t known each other long, we were connected on a soul level that required a soul tie.
I made sure he understood I had no problem surrendering to that when it felt like the right time.
Once I got my things situated, I took off my makeup, pulled my hair into a loose pineapple, and took a long shower.
As much as I told myself I was okay, the weight of the situation did start to settle within my heart when I was alone.
I ended up crying in the shower. I hated knowing I’d hurt Trevor.
Regardless of how off things had been between us, I’d never want to do anything to intentionally hurt anyone.
True enough, I had to put myself first, but a part of me wished I would have had the courage to do that before our wedding day.
On the flip side, I was grateful I chose to put me first before we said I Do.
I’d been overlooking so many signs that things were different—that he was different.
And if I didn’t overlook them, I tried to excuse or downplay them.
At the end of the day, I thought back to what Mama said.
Would I be happy with the version of him and our relationship that we currently had? I wouldn’t.
The intimacy was gone, and even though we were communicating more, that communication was showing me we were no longer on the same page. He was different as a fiancé and would probably be even more different as a husband, and I was grateful that I saw that before it was too late.
Even though I was getting overstimulated by the constant notifications, I cut my phone back on to check on Trevor.
I felt like there wasn’t anything I could say or do to make the situation better, but I still cared about him and wanted to check on him.
As I stared out of the window and gazed at the covered pool, I waited for him to answer.
“Yeah?” he answered, roughly.
“Um, hi.”
Trevor chuckled. “That’s all you have to say to me?”
“I’m sorry, Trevor. I should’ve called things off before today.”
“Why didn’t you?”
I shrugged as if he could see me. “A part of me thought my reservations would fade. Things just kept happening that made me less secure in our relationship, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.”
“Nah. It was because of that nigga.”
My eyes closed and I pulled in a deep breath at the sound of the sharpness of his tone.
“It wasn’t because of Carson. I won’t let you blame him for this.”
“No, actually, I can. Even if you were having reservations, I know you would have still married me if he wasn’t in the picture.”
“And you would’ve been okay with that?”
He scoffed. “Yeah. I don’t feel like we had any problems that we couldn’t work out.”
“That’s just it. Why get married with problems already at the forefront?
I didn’t want a rocky foundation for my marriage.
We were arguing like crazy, there was no intimacy in our relationship.
We weren’t spending any quality time together.
It felt like all you did was throw money at me to pacify me, and I wanted more than that.
I’ve expressed to you I don’t know how many times that I wanted a true life partner not just—”
He groaned, and I immediately shut my mouth. “Here you go with this nagging shit again. Ain’t no real man about to constantly placate your feelings, Venus. Even if he making it seem like he will, he won’t. That shit is overwhelming and I ain’t built for that.”
Now, it was my turn to laugh. “Wow. I’m so glad I called you.”
“Why? Because I helped you come to your senses?”
“No, because you helped me realize I shouldn’t feel bad about leaving you at all.
Being emotionally available does not mean you’re placating my feelings.
I don’t know what kind of woman you think you’re going to have that won’t require you to care about her wants and needs beyond money.
If you can’t provide a safe space for her to be open and honest with you and share how she feels, you’ll never be a protector of her heart.
And you certainly didn’t deserve mine. It wasn’t safe with you, and I thank God I realized that.
I’m not going to feel bad about not wanting to marry a robot of a man who used money to solve his problems.”
“See. That’s ya fucking problem, Venus. It always comes back to money with you. You weren’t complaining about me throwing money at you when I was—”
“Please don’t start with that shit again.
I’ve heard it enough! Hell, that was part of the reason why I stayed with you as long as I did!
I’m so fucking sick of you guilt tripping me about the damn money you’ve given me over the years!
If that’s the only thing that makes you feel powerful and valuable, our marriage never would’ve worked, because I’d be damned if I ever relied on you just so you could continue to hold that shit over my head.
I hate I even called you, and I’m grateful to God I didn’t marry you. ”
After ending the call, I cut my phone off again.
I hated I even cared about his ass, but I was also glad I called, because the guilt that was consuming me quickly faded away.
I had to remind myself not to feel bad for wanting to be with a man that loved me the way I wanted and needed to be loved.
If considering my feelings and providing the same level of effort spent to get me to keep me was too much for Trevor, no amount of time, loyalty, or money would force me to stay with him.
Carson might have been worried about me moving fast and not giving me time to process the end of my relationship, but he had no idea. Our relationship was over the moment I said yes to Trevor’s proposal. We’d just been going through the motions ever since.
Hours Later
Giggles escaped me as Carson and I lounged in his media room. When he asked if I was hungry, we learned we both loved Mexican food. That led to him doing a grocery order. Together, we made cheese enchiladas, fajitas, and Mexican rice.
He loved Mexican food and soul food. I thought it was bomb that he and his family went to church together and had dinner every Sunday.
Though me and my family got together often, it was usually spontaneous and random.
I shared with him that my favorite colors were green and pink.
His was blue. That conversation led to us somehow talking about the psychology behind colors, and I was a true nerd for random facts and philosophical conversations.
I loved the feeling pink gave me, and he gravitated toward yellow things when he needed an energy or mood boost.