January 9, 2025
january 9, 2025
Shelly,
Wow. Is it possible after ten years to feel like such an idiot? I guess it is, because here I am, feeling like a complete and total imbecile. I still remember the way my heart was going to leap out of my throat when I reached for your hand. I was nervous it was going to backfire, but you stayed right there in your seat, smiling as you listened to me rattle on and on about music. You did squeeze some recommendations in, some that I also still listen to. Lorde, Vampire Weekend, Sara Bareilles. You might have snuck some Jonas Brothers in there as well.
I would have absolutely kissed you that night, but I got all in my head. I wondered if you felt obliged to be there. You had this way of being so nice to everyone around you, and I kind of thought you were also doing that with me. I figured I had no shot. I really wish time machines existed so I could go back and tell myself to stop being a coward and go for it.
But then, I guess if that’d happened, you wouldn’t have had the opportunity to kiss Kevin Costa.
Kevin Costa. Really, Shelly? No, I’m not happy. But I guess I get it; he was the popular trumpet player who was also on the lacrosse team. He hung out with them way more than us, and he was tall and had biceps while the rest of us were trying to hide our pale, lanky arms.
Writing that now, I guess I can see why you kissed him. He was probably better at it than me. If I’d kissed you, you probably would have been disappointed. And I would have robbed Garrett, Mike, and Hernandez the opportunity of giving me shit. Of course it was them…who else? Those assholes gave me shit about everything. (Hernandez still does.) I miss those days. I miss you.
I could have probably used some of their heckling after graduation, because my love life has been pathetic. I sort of had a thing with Katy after taking her to prom senior year…we hung out a lot that summer before college. But then she flew off to Alabama and I was in Boston and we just stopped talking to each other. It was mutual, and I actually felt kind of relieved how easy it was to let that go.
Since then…well, no one. A few girls after late nights at the bar, some I don’t even remember taking home—collateral from my years in darkness. It always makes me feel sick when I think about it, how I used those girls to make myself feel better, and didn’t bother to follow up with them or anything. That was never the kind of man I wanted to be, and I’m trying my best to be a better man.
The kind of man who doesn’t let his fear or his doubt take the lead in his head.
The kind of man who would have kissed Shelly Carson when he had the opportunity.
Jake