Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
LOUISA
B and I are driving back home again with Pepin for Christmas. My parents love him, and sometimes I'm afraid he'll "go missing" before I have to head back to the city.
Since it’s a quick turnaround between the holidays, I haven’t spoken to my parents much since Thanksgiving. I’m nervous they’re going to ask about Sam. They don’t know his name, but I guarantee my mother hasn’t forgotten the fact that I was clearly texting someone all day, someone who made me smile a lot.
I’m sure as hell not going to tell her about Matt. My parents are very open-minded, but even that situation would be confusing for them.
Matt and I met up for drinks after Thanksgiving, and it was great. We met at a lounge, and this time, it wasn't one he owns. Afterward, we went back to his place, and he helped me forget all about Sam. Multiple times.
But at the end of the night, I went home alone. Matt has a strict no-sleepover rule, so I went home at 4am and snuggled Pep .
A couple of weeks after that, I went to a club with B and some of her coworkers. It was fun, but I kept looking around, half hoping to run into Sam and half terrified that I would. B kept feeding me shots, and I almost went home with someone. But that didn’t work out because I threw up in the bathroom instead. I feel like I’m still recovering from that night.
I don't know how B goes on work trips and does this every night for weeks at a time. She's built differently. I’m not just talking about her iron will to rally; I also wonder how she always seems so strong. More than once in the weeks since Sam ended things, I’ve cried myself to sleep from loneliness. Some might even call it despair because, late at night, my thoughts tend to spiral. I wonder if I’ll ever find someone. The doubts start creeping in about my ability to be loved, and sometimes, I even start to wonder if I’ll be capable of achieving my career goals.
These thoughts take over, and I’d do anything to shut them up. Almost anything… I just want to know that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes, it feels like nothing will turn out the way I always planned it would. Sometimes, I just want to give up and start over.
“Do you want to go sledding with some people when we get home?”
I glance over at B, who, for a moment, I forgot was sitting in the passenger seat next to me. “Tonight?”
“No, probably sometime tomorrow. There’s a big group chat going on. You’re in it, but you obviously can't look at it right now.”
I haven't been sledding since I was a kid, and it doesn't sound all that fun, but I have nothing going on, and it wouldn't hurt to see some old friends. “Yeah, sure.”
“I’ll let them know to count us in.”
The next day, we get bundled up and head to the big hill behind the high school. I didn't know we still had sleds, but B found some buried in the attic. We brought a thermos full of coffee with Bailey's. It's mostly to help stay warm, but I also need a little liquid courage for the social aspect of this outing. Liam, Evie, and Iris are usually great buffers for this sort of thing, but their family is doing Christmas out of state this year.
B runs ahead to greet a group of friends, leaving me to trail behind.
"Hey, Lou."
I barely recognize the voice; it's familiar but different. I turn around and see my high school boyfriend, Bear. He's still as cute as he was then; he just has more muscle and facial hair now. Sort of like a sexy Paul Bunyan.
It's been a while since I've seen him. The last time was at Evie and Liam's wedding, where he was the best man, but we barely spoke. In theory, it shouldn't be this awkward, but my anxiety is getting the best of me.
"Hey, Bear."
Barrett Michaels was my boyfriend from the end of my freshman year to the winter of my sophomore year. He was a year ahead of me in school, so he was a junior when we ended things. Shortly after, he got together with his now wife, Olivia. They made sense together. He was a star athlete, and she was the class president. They were a power couple.
"I didn't know you'd be here." He has an unsettled energy about him, like he's just as nervous to see me as I am to see him. Why would he be nervous? He's got the dream life. I'm the loser who's single and hasn't reached my career goals.
"B dragged me along." My hands are in my pockets even though my mittens are thick enough to keep them warm. We're standing only a couple of feet apart, so I can see him well, even though this side of the hill is mostly dark.
"How have you been? Are you still living in the city?"
"Good, and yes, I've been there since I graduated last spring. How are you?"
"Well....you know..." He looks down and kicks a snow chunk on the ground with his boot.
I actually don't know, so I just look at him and wait for him to elaborate. I don't keep up with what my high school classmates are doing unless they are someone I see regularly or they post a lot on social media.
"Oh, you didn't hear?"
I shake my head, still confused.
"Olivia and I split up. I guess divorce is the more accurate term."
He's still looking at the ground, clearly uncomfortable.
"No, I hadn't heard. Is it recent?"
"It became official a few weeks ago."
"I'm really sorry to hear that, Bear." Without thinking about it, I reach out and touch his arm, trying to be comforting.
At my touch, he lifts his head and looks at me. I can see that he is holding back tears. It's obvious this is still very fresh for him. It makes my ending with Sam seem like a joke. I can't imagine being divorced at 25.
"Thanks. It's been hard, but life is starting to get back to normal."
"That's—" I'm cut off by a scream coming from over by the hill. It startles me, and I turn around to see where it's coming from before realizing that it's just someone sledding down the hill. Sledding, right. That's what we're here to do.
I use this as a segue to any other topic, but it's because I don't know what else to say to him. I'm curious what happened, but it’s none of my business.
"Want to go down the hill with me?" He doesn't appear to have a sled, so I hold mine up. It's small, likely meant for one person, but we could probably fit both of us on it.
His mouth stretches into a smile, and he nods. "Sure."
We walk up the hill, and I realize it's much bigger than I remember. I can't believe I'm getting winded halfway up.
When we get to the top, I try my best to suppress my heavy breathing so he can't see how out of shape I am. I put the sled on the ground where there's an indent in the snow from weeks of kids sledding here. It's packed down, making it slick, so I take my time getting on.
Bear reaches down to hold the sled steady. I sit down and adjust myself as far forward as possible to give him room to sit. This sled is so small I'm honestly not sure he'll fit behind me with his long legs.
I wedge the heel of my boots into the snow to hold the sled steady for him now. He starts to sit and realizes the same thing I did: we're not both going to fit. He kneels down in the snow behind me, legs straddling the sled.
"Here, lift your arms." He leans forward, puts his hands under my arms, and lifts them gently. I'm not entirely sure where he's going with this.
I'm holding my arms up awkwardly with my back to him when I feel the sled shift slightly from his weight. Next, I feel something slide under both my arms. It's his legs. I realize that he's wrapping his legs around me so he can use the small sliver of sled behind me for his butt. He is very close to me right now, and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this. Why didn't I think this through?
Once he's seated, he scoots his hips forward, close to me, and I can feel his bottom pressed against mine. His arms wrap around my chest, under my upper arms. My elbows are resting on the outside of his arms and thighs.
He leans forward and speaks into my ear. "Is this okay?"
I swallow because the sound of his soft voice in my ear makes me shiver, and not from the cold. To secure myself more, I wrap my hands around his thighs. "Yep. I'm ready if you are."
"Let's go."
I lift my heels out of the snow and tuck my legs as close to my chest as I can with his arms wrapped around me. He unwraps his arms for a brief moment to push us forward onto the downward slope of the hill. He wraps them tightly around me again. I can't tell if the rush in my head and butterflies in my stomach are from flying down the hill or from being so close to him.
The ride down flies by in a blur. My focus is on every point of contact I have with his body. Even though we're both wrapped in layers, I can feel his body heat.
We're getting toward the bottom when the sled starts to turn. We slide sideways for a bit before the edge of the sled catches on a lump of snow, and we flip. Both of us go flying sideways and roll on the ground. After a second of shock, I start laughing uncontrollably. I look around to see where he landed and find him laughing, too.
He makes eye contact with me and says, "That's going to hurt tomorrow."
"It's one and done for me. We're getting too old for this shit." I still can't control my laughter. It has to be partially due to adrenaline .
For the next hour, I walk around mingling with different groups of people. There are about 20 of us here in total, so there's plenty of catching up to do. I don't even get around to everyone before people start to leave. It's getting really cold, and everyone is ready to not be frozen anymore.
A lot of the group will be meeting at someone's house to continue hanging out. B and I promised our mom we would be back tonight to watch Elf with her, so we're going to head home.
I've only chatted with Bear in groups since our adventure down the hill. I see him making his way over to me now as I walk to our car. B notices him heading toward us and pretends to have forgotten something, turning around to run back to where we were standing earlier. I keep walking to my car but slow down so he can catch up to me.
When he reaches me, he walks beside me, close enough for our arms to occasionally graze.
He speaks first. "Are you going with everyone else to keep hanging out?"
"No, B and I are headed home. We promised our mom we would watch Christmas movies with her tonight."
"That's too bad. I was hoping to spend more time with you."
My stomach flutters at the compliment. We've reached my car, and I walk to the passenger side door and lean against it. Bear and I are wedged between my car and someone else's pickup, shielded from the main group.
He steps closer to me and leans in, placing his hands on either side of my head. I can feel my cheeks heating despite the cold. I lick my lips to wet them and look up at him through my frost-covered lashes. One of his hands leaves the car and grabs the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him. Our lips touch, and it's like I'm a teenager again. I open my lips for him and match his rhythm. He was always a really good kisser, and time has only made him better.
Eventually, our lips slow together, and he pulls away from me, lingering for a second before we completely part. As I look at him, I realize that even though this was thrilling, things between him and me couldn't work. He just got out of a marriage, and we live in different places. I would just play into my urges and go further with him, but since our hometown circle is so small, it would only complicate things.
He must read my face because his smile fades. "Something wrong?"
"This probably means nothing, and I'm perfectly fine with that, but I just need to make it perfectly clear that I don't think things would work between us. I want you to know that I don't expect anything from you."
His expression is hard to read. I didn't want him to think I was making assumptions just because he kissed me if this meant nothing to him. But I also don't want him to get the wrong idea. Now, I'm just holding my breath, waiting for him to respond.
"That's perfectly fine. I probably shouldn't be complicating my life more than it already is right now." He gives me a soft smile, and I release my breath. Thank god that didn't make things awkward.
He starts to pull away further, but I grab his arms and put them around my waist, pulling him in close again. "But that doesn't mean we have to stop."
His soft smile widens, and his hand finds the back of my neck again. Our lips lock, and I'm soaking in this feeling, knowing it won't return once I leave this parking lot. Who would have thought I'd be making out with a high school boyfriend in the parking lot at the ripe age of 24? Not me, and probably not him, either. The kiss starts to heat up, and I'm not even thinking about where B is right now and whether she'll return soon.
Turns out it isn’t B I should have been worrying about. It's the person who owns the truck behind Bear.
"Woah, what did I walk in on?"
We quickly pull away from each other. At first, my heart starts racing, and I immediately try to act innocent. Then I remember that we're all single adults here, and I can make out with whomever I want, wherever I want.
"Get out of here, Robby. Can’t you see I'm busy?" Bear's tone is light-hearted. Robby is a friend of his, so if anything, he's probably glad someone caught us so he can have a witness to what just happened. But luckily, not many people are going to believe Robby when he goes blabbing about this. He's always been a huge gossip with less-than-accurate sources.
"Can't, man; you're blocking my door."
Once Bear realizes that he really is blocking Robby's door, he apologizes. "Sorry, man. Can you just give us two minutes?"
The devilish grin on Robby's face makes me roll my eyes because I know something dumb is about to come out of his mouth.
"Bear, that's a little sad if it only takes you two minutes."
Bear quickly grabs a chunk of snow off the top of my car and throws it at Robby.
"All right, all right! I'll get out of here."
Robby leaves, and Bear leans back into me, resting his hands on the car behind me. I can't help but chuckle, and I lean into his chest to suppress it. I know he's laughing too, by the way his chest shakes .
I pull myself off of him and lean against my car. "I really should get going."
"Alright, if you must." He leans in and places one soft yet firm kiss on my lips, and I kiss him back. "I'm glad I ran into you, Lou."
Smiling up at him, I admit, "Me too. And who knows, maybe if we're both still single at Christmas next year, things may play out a little differently."
The bed creaks as I roll over on my side and sling my arm around Pepin. I haven’t been able to fall asleep yet. My mind keeps shuffling through a rolodex of worries that have been accumulating over the past six months. Since my life got flipped upside down, I don’t recognize myself. I like this new version of me, but it’s still unfamiliar territory, and I worry if I’m doing the right thing by straying so far from my original path.
Kissing Bear tonight only made me question things more. It was nice to feel desired by someone again, but it didn’t feel the way I know it should. I keep comparing it to how I felt when Sam kissed me. I did the same thing when I met up with Matt, though I was able to deny it since I know things will never go anywhere with him.
Why do I let these men have such control over my emotions? I need to focus on what I can control. And right now, that’s my career. I need to study my butt off for my licensure exams so I can achieve my dream of becoming a licensed architect. That I’m good at. That I can do. Then I’ll know that not all hope is lost, that I may actually have a chance at being happy someday.
SAM
“Can you pass me the salt, honey?”
I reach over and pass her the salt grinder. My mom and I are in the kitchen cooking dinner. This year, Mom, Quinn, and I decided to celebrate Christmas at my house, just the three of us. Understandably, Mom didn’t want to host our extended family this year, so I offered to have it here.
I figured having it at her house would bring up too many memories of Jacob. She got our childhood home in the divorce, so all of our Christmases have been spent there since we were kids. That's the home where, for 28 years, Jacob opened presents, ate Mom's cooking, and watched Christmas movies with us.
She’s been struggling a lot since Jacob died. Quinn and I have been trying our best to help her, but it's been hard with her living on the complete opposite side of the city. She’s been staying with me all week, and I told her I would do all the cooking, but she insisted on helping. Quinn isn't the best cook in the world, but he's good at baking, so we put him on dessert duty. I'm in charge of the ham, and Mom is working on the sides.
For a moment, it almost feels normal. For a moment, I can just pretend that Jacob is in the other room and that the rest of our family is on their way over.
The snow is ruthless outside. I'll have to get up early tomorrow to complete a few jobs, so I'm enjoying my time with my family now while no one else needs me.
I check the meat thermometer and turn off the oven. "Ham just needs to rest for a bit, and then we're ready." Mom is just finishing up mashing the potatoes while Quinn sets the table.
After the ham rests, I pour everyone a glass of wine, and we sit down to eat. I take a moment to look around. The fireplace is roaring, Christmas music plays in the background, snow falls outside the big window in the dining room, and my family is here. All the family I need.
I feel a sense of peace in the simplicity of our meal. No stress, no fuss, no chaos. I don't know why we didn't start doing holidays like this sooner, and I think my Mom is feeling the same way. I can tell by the way she smiles at me, like this is the first time in a month that she has felt at peace.
She mouths to me, "I love you," and I say it back.
The Christmas playlist I have on starts playing 'Holiday' by Lil Nas X. After about 30 seconds when the song really gets going, Mom looks at me very confused.
"What kind of Christmas song is this?"
Quinn and I look at each other and crack up; a few seconds later, we are all belly laughing, almost in tears. To be fair, it came on right after 'I'll Be Home For Christmas' by Amy Grant, so it was quite the contrast.
We haven't laughed like this in a long time, and it feels good. Sad...but good.
Later tonight, we'll open presents and watch a Christmas movie. Mom's favorite one is Elf, so of course, we'll watch that one. Quinn won rock paper scissors to pick the second movie and chose Love Actually. He and I debated back and forth over whether or not it was a Christmas movie. In the end, Mom sided with him, and I lost. Honestly, it was just nice to have some normalcy, so I don't care what we watch. Plus, that movie is actually pretty good. But I would never admit that to Quinn.