Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
SAM
I look down at Lou as she snuggles into me. We're laying in my bed watching a movie. She picked Inside Out because it's one of her favorites, and I told her I’d never seen it, which she said was unacceptable.
After our shower yesterday morning, I drove Lou to her apartment to grab some things and change. She‘s been camped out here since, and I couldn’t be happier.
Our limbs are tangled together, and her head is on my chest.
This movie has taken a really depressing turn, and I’m trying to hold in my emotions. My brothers always made fun of me growing up for crying during movies, but I can’t help that I have a soft spot for fictional characters.
Bing Bong just jumped off the rainbow rocket so Joy could make it back to Riley, sacrificing himself. It takes me by surprise, and I have to choke back my tears. She must be able to tell because she looks up at me with tears in her own eyes .
I look up and blink away the tears like nothing happened. "What?"
"Nothing." She wipes away a tear that started rolling down my cheek. "I love that you aren't afraid of showing your emotions."
"Only around people who I know aren't going to judge me. So don't go telling Quinn I was crying at a cartoon; he will never let it go."
She giggles and wipes away another rogue tear. "I promise." She kisses me on the cheek and snuggles back into me.
I take a deep breath, trying to muster up some courage. Her head rises and falls with my chest.
“I’ve been meaning to ask…What are we?”
She lifts her head again to look at me.
I feel the need to clarify. “I mean, what do you want out of this?”
I’ve been afraid to ask out of fear of rejection. I’m afraid she won’t trust me after what I did to her before. I just want her to be honest with me, and I’d rather know now before I continue falling for her.
“I really like you, Sam. I was really sad to lose you before, and I’d rather not go through that again. So if this is something you want to keep casual, it would be easier to know that now.”
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding in. I smile at her and run a hand through her hair. “I don’t want this to just be a casual thing. I’d like to have you all to myself.”
I reach under her arms and guide her up so she’s lying on my chest, our faces close.
“I don’t know how this works at our age; I haven’t been committed to anyone in a while.” She looks at me skeptically, but I continue. “Do I have to officially ask you to be my girlfriend?”
She laughs and shakes her head. “I think you kind of just did.” She gently brushes my lips with her fingers, and I peek out my tongue to wet them. “I’d love to officially be your girlfriend.” She removes her fingers from my lips and replaces them with her own lips.
I wrap my arms around her and put a hand on the back of her neck to deepen the kiss.
She brings her legs forward, separating them so she’s straddling me. I’m only wearing sweats, and she’s only wearing underwear. I can feel the heat from between her legs, and I instantly start getting hard. Our lips never part as she grinds on me. I lift my hips up into her, needing to feel more of her.
My stomach growls, and I remember that we haven’t gotten up to eat in a while. She senses my hesitation and pulls away from me. I rub my hand down my face, not wanting this to stop but knowing it will.
“I really want to fuck you right now, but I’m starving.”
As if it heard me, her stomach rumbles. “I am too.”
“How about I cook us some dinner, and then we can resume this?”
“Sounds good to me.”
She moves her hips one more time just to tease me; I close my eyes, scrunching my face. It takes everything in me not to rip off her underwear and fuck her into this bed.
But she finally concedes and climbs off me.
LOUISA
We get up and start walking to the kitchen, but Sam hesitates. “I’ll be there in a second.” I can tell he’s desperately trying to tame his raging hard-on. I giggle and make my way to the kitchen, grabbing myself a glass of water. He joins me shortly after.
I sit on a stool at the island, watching Sam play master chef in the kitchen. Music is playing on a speaker, a hot guy is making me dinner, and I'm completely satiated yet somehow wanting more; who could dream up a more perfect scenario?
I'm so happy, but something about this makes me sad. I think about how I could have had this all along if he hadn't ended things. We missed out on so many happy months together. Would those unhappy things that have occurred in my life recently have happened if we never parted? Probably not.
I haven't brought it up yet because I've been on cloud nine, and I didn't want to risk losing it. But I have to know. I have to ask him why he did it.
"Sam, can I ask you a serious question?"
He stops chopping peppers for a second and looks up at me. "Of course."
"Why did you end things between us?"
He puts his knife down and wipes his hands off. "I've been wondering when you were going to ask that. You asked me this the other night when I picked you up from the club."
I did? Did he tell me?
"I told you I'd tell you when you were sober."
"Well, I'm sober now."
He lowers his head and doesn't say anything for several moments.
"You won't hurt my feelings, Sam; please just be honest with me. Was there someone else?" He's still silent, staring down at the cutting board. "Was it something I said or did? "
"No."
I wait a few more moments, and then I go to ask again. "Sam?—"
"Jacob died."
I'm taken aback; my mouth falls open, and I have no idea what to say. I can see the tension in his body; he's clearly uncomfortable.
When he lifts his face to look at me, there are tears in his eyes. He is telling the truth. I'm such an asshole.
"I'm so sorry, Sam."
I pause a moment, then get up and walk around the island to where he stands. I go from behind, wrap my arms around his body, and rest my head on his back. His hand touches mine and gives it a little squeeze.
Letting go, I step back and give him space to spin around toward me.
"He died the night of Thanksgiving, and I found out the next morning. I was so out of it, I didn't even realize that I hadn't responded to you."
"Of course, that's completely understandable." I step forward and rest my hands on his chest, looking up at him. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
I would never want him to feel pressured to talk about that. Though it feels like I've known him for longer, we only reconnected less than 48 hours ago.
There's another long silence. Sam wraps his arms around me, kisses the top of my head, and rests his cheek there.
"I plan on keeping you around for a while, so you should know."
Though this is an incredibly sad moment, I can't help but get butterflies when he says that. I had hoped he felt the same way, and getting verbal confirmation makes my heart sigh in relief.
"I plan on keeping me around, too."
He squeezes me briefly before releasing me. I back up and lean against the counter across from where he leans against the island.
"Jacob died by...it was...he...did it himself."
I look at him, confused. I think I know what he’s trying to say, but that’s an awful thing to assume, so I wait for him to go on before saying anything. To confirm it's what I think it is.
"Suicide. Jacob died by suicide." He's clenching the edge of the counter, his knuckles going white, face pointed at the ground. This is clearly a painful thing for him to talk about. "That's how my therapist told me to phrase it. Instead of saying ‘committed suicide’, you say ‘died by suicide’. Since it's brought on by mental illness."
I feel bile working its way up my throat. I feel sick. Sam lost someone he cares about so deeply to suicide. The exact thing I tried to do a week ago.
Me. I did that.
The thing that is tearing Sam apart, causing him so much pain and suffering.
"I've heard that before." What did I just say? "Rephrasing it, I mean."
"He and my dad got into it when we were at his house for Thanksgiving. It was a huge blowout fight, and Jacob left. That was the last time any of us saw him."
I know it's selfish to be thinking about me right now, but all I can think about is B. How she would be right now if my plan had worked, if Pepin hadn’t intervened. My heart aches so badly for Sam and for what could have also been B.
How could I do that to her? Every time thoughts like this have popped into my head, I shut them out completely. I can't bear it.
I reach out and grab his hand. "I'm here for you, Sam."
Until you're not , the voice in my head says.
What if Sam and I stay together, and I go through another hard time? What if I do this to Sam? Once is awful enough; I can't imagine losing two people you care about to the same thing. That's not fair to Sam. I have to tell him. He has to make the choice for himself if he's willing to live with someone else who may leave him too soon. I have to tell him.
But not now, I can't. I'll wait for the right time.
"Thanks, Lou. I'll tell you more in time, but I think that's all I'm ready to share for now."
"You take all the time you need." I reach up and kiss him on the cheek; it's damp with tears.
"I really did like you—a lot. It broke my heart to end things with you. I just didn't feel it was fair to put that type of burden on you that soon."
To be honest, I'm not sure how that would have played out had he told me. I would like to think I'd have been supportive. But what was I supposed to do, go over to his house to comfort him? Go to the funeral with him?
That's all a lot for someone you've only met in person once. Though I'm sad he didn't tell me the whole situation, I can't really blame him. I might have done the same thing. I sort of am doing the same thing right now, withholding information from him out of fear that it's too early to share a burden like that.
I go back and forth with myself, wrestling over whether or not to tell him. Eventually, I decide to wait. I don't want it to seem like I'm taking over his grieving with my own sob story .
"You don't have to explain it; I understand now. I appreciate you sharing that with me." I run my thumb over his cheek and cup the side of his face. He leans into my touch, and it breaks my heart.
This man deserves the world and to have his heart protected. I’m not sure if I’m capable of giving him that.