38. Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Jax
I wait for Allie to get home from her new job, and my hands sweat as I look around the room. Flowers, rose petals, and candles surround me, waiting for me to get on one knee and ask her to marry me. Considering what happened the last time I planned anything, I feel like I might actually throw up right here and ruin it all.
It's been a couple of months since we stepped out of the house she lived in for years, and her nightmares have all but ended. I'm not sure if it's because she finally found the one thing she couldn't find, or if it has more to do with the fact that Laura's locked away and can't come near her anymore.
My nightmares, however, have kicked up ten notches. I got the name of Sage's therapist because I can't get the images out of my mind. And the guilt of knowing the woman I almost married was the one who created this horror show was eating me alive. It still haunts me, but I finally feel like it's not my fault. I may have been the catalyst or the cause or whatever you want to call it, but it was nothing I could control. Even if I'd never befriended Laura all those years ago in school, the therapist told me there is still a chance she would have fixated on me. That nothing I did likely could have stopped this.
Today is Allie's birthday, and she's coming home after work before we head to the bar to celebrate with everyone. Before, when we'd talk about our thirtieth birthdays, we imagined having kids and giving them to my parents for long weekends while we went somewhere fun to ring in our new decade. She wasn’t here for my thirtieth, but at least she is for hers.
It's still a struggle I have to come to terms with when it comes to all of the time lost. It's the current focus with my therapist. But regardless of where we are in our lives compared to what we thought we’d be, I know I want to marry her still. She's the one and only for me.
I had toyed with the idea of proposing at the bar with our friends and family, but the memories of having her never show up and disappear the last time I planned it made that impossible. In fact, I can't have her meet me at the bar ever again. She comes home, and we go there together. Hopefully, I'll get over the crippling fear, but I appreciate Allie's willingness to accommodate me. She doesn't fight it or make me feel anything other than me.
"Jax?" Allie calls as the door by the kitchen opens, the door she always comes in, thankfully. If not, all the candles would have fallen to the ground like dominoes. "Are you ready?"
"In the living room," I call out, my heart pounding. There's still a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this is too soon for her.
Her auburn hair appears in the doorway, and her eyes widen in surprise. "What is this?"
"I love you," I say, forgetting the entire speech I'd memorized. "So, so, so much."
"I love you, too," she says and walks towards me, the candlelight dancing around her. "This is so pretty. Is it for my birthday?"
Pulling the box out of my pocket, I fiddle with it in my hand, still not showing it to her. "You look amazing in candlelight."
Her eyebrow lifts. "Imagine how good I'd look naked in the candlelight. I'm already imagining how sexy you'll look."
"That might have to be our next adventure," I say.
"I'm not really a fan of hot wax though. Just to set the boundary right now. This is beautiful, Jax. All these flowers—"
Her words stop the moment I open the box and get down on one knee. "Allison Bennett, you are the only woman I've ever loved. I didn't know what love was until I met you, and I really learned what love was when I lost you. This is what I planned to do over seven years ago, and my feelings have never changed. Never wavered. Will you marry me and continue navigating this crazy thing we call life together?"
"Jax," she gasps, tears in her eyes.
Her silence makes me nervous, and I start to panic. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe we're not where I thought we were. Maybe—
"Yes," she says and nods. "Yes."
Sighing in relief, I slip the ring on her finger and stand to kiss her. "God, I love you."
"I don't want to ruin the moment, but I have to ask... This isn't Laura's ring, right?"
I laugh and kiss her. "This is your ring. The one I bought years ago and never got to give you. Laura never even saw this one."
"Thank God," she says and kisses me back. "I want to wear nothing but this ring for the rest of the night."
The image of her completely naked except for the engagement ring has me straining against my jeans. "We have to meet everyone for your party," I say, grinding my hips against her to show her how much I love that idea.
"When are they expecting us?"
"Fifteen minutes ago."
"Damn, it’ll take too long to use my tardiness as an excuse."
Smiling, I bite my lip. "I think we're going to have a little fun at your party."
"Why do you say that?"
"Your parents are going to be there," I say, holding her hand and toying with the engagement ring.
Her jaw drops before smiling brightly. "My mom is going to faint."
"She's nothing if not dramatic."
"Okay, I want to see that. Plus, she'll already be annoyed having to be around everyone while we run late."
"We?"
Crinkling her nose, she sticks her tongue. "Okay, fine. Me."
"But when we get home, I plan to make good on our promise of wearing only this," I say, continuing to toy with the ring on her finger. "And I think we should test out your candlelight theory."
She slides her hand over the fly of my jeans, and I buck my hips as I groan. "It's probably terrible of me to say, but I kind of wish we weren't the hosts of the event. We could make an appearance and leave."
"Sorry, baby, but that's what you get for being so loved."
I take her hand and blow out the candles before heading out to my pickup. Pulling her to me, I kiss her, my tongue sliding into her mouth while she cups my face with both of her hands.
"The sooner we get there, the sooner we can leave," she whispers against my lips.
"This is why you're the brains of this relationship. "
"Oh, whatever." She laughs and puts on her seat belt.
Her hand takes mine as we drive, and I can't stop focusing on the way the lights reflect on the ring as we pass under streetlights and various business signs. Even though I know it should have happened long before now, I'm focusing on the happiness I feel having her. Like my therapist says, dwelling on the past only takes away the joy of the present. And I want to enjoy this.
Allie takes my hand as we walk into the bar, and she hides the ring. I think she's more excited to see her mom's reaction than anything else, and I laugh.
"Did you tell anyone you were doing this?" she whispers.
I shake my head as we walk up to the large table with my parents, my brother, her parents, and our friends. Drew and Sage are officially a couple now, and Sage all but sits on Drew's lap. It's an interesting dynamic shift, but they both seem happy.
Karla looks almost pained to be there, but she's put in more of an effort lately. I think losing Allie put things into perspective, and if she doesn't want to lose more time with her, she has to accept Allie’s decisions. Starting with the fact she loves me. I'll never be a loved son-in-law, but I hope she can accept the fact that no one will ever love Allie as much as I do.
"Happy birthday!" everyone shouts as we walk up.
"You're late," her mom says.
Rolling her eyes, Allie shakes her head. "Jax gave me my present before we got here, Mom."
"And it only took twenty minutes? Not that great of a present," Benji says, and Allie almost chokes on her laughter when her mom glares at him.
"What'd he get you?" Sage asks, kicking Benji under the table .
She shrugs. "Nothing much. Just this," she says and holds our hands up to show off her engagement ring.
The entire table bursts into excited exclamations, including her father, but her mom just sits in her seat while everyone else jumps up to hug us and check out the ring. After I hug my parents, Karla stands and catches my eye. She tilts her head, indicating she wants to talk to me away from everyone else.
I brace myself but meet her outside. "What's going on, Karla?"
"I want to pay for the wedding" were not the words I expected to come out of her mouth.
Shaking my head, my jaw drops. "Huh?"
"I want to pay for the wedding. Whatever Allie wants, Allie will get."
"Thank you...?"
She sniffles and looks at the ground. "I know I haven't been the most supportive person when it comes to your relationship since... forever. When Allie chose not to come home with her father and me, even though she had no memory of any of us, I had to take a hard look at things. Even when she didn't know herself, she knew you were the one she should be with. I'm not going to stand in the way."
"Thank you, Karla," I say.
"You were right, Jackson," she says, and she looks at me with tears in her eyes. "I did give up on her."
Damn it. Now I feel guilty. "I shouldn't have—"
"It was less painful to believe she was dead than to think she was living where she was. Hope was impossible for me. I've never been an optimistic person, and you called me out on it. I deserved it."
"No, you didn't. I was angry and lashed out."
"I tried to tell the world you hurt my daughter, so I think it was justified. "
The feelings her accusations and repeated slander may never fully heal, but for Allie's sake, I'm willing to try and move past it. "I would never—"
"I know," she says and takes my hand, another thing she's never done. I'm not sure she even shook my hand when we first met. "I spoke with Detective Parsons."
That took a turn. "About what?"
"I had to know about the place she was kept. He showed me pictures they took, and he told me how upset you were when you learned what Allie went through. How you blame yourself because it was Laura who did this. This is not your fault, Jackson."
"Laura did this because of me."
"She did this because she's sick. Demented. I will put every effort I have into making sure she never walks the streets again. Sounds like I won't need to put in that much effort, though, from what I'm told."
Hearing Karla, of all people, tell me it's not my fault makes me feel a little less guilty about everything. "I'm in therapy," I admit.
"You are?" she asks, looking shocked.
"I saw the cellar. Listened and watched Allie walk the detectives through what she went through that last day. I have nightmares about it. And one of the things we're working on is getting rid of my guilt. It feels like it's all my fault, but you telling me it isn't helps more than you could ever know."
She wraps her arms around me, pulling me into a hug, and I hug her back out of both surprise and relief. "I was wrong about you, and I'm sorry."
"You're not drunk, right?" I ask when we part.
Karla laughs. Actually laughs. I've never seen it before, and she shakes her head. "No, I'm not drunk. I'm just... letting things go. My daughter has always known what she wants, and she goes after it. My opinion hasn't mattered since she was eight years old, and it's been really difficult for me to accept. But I'm accepting it because I don't want to lose my daughter while she's still here in front of me."
"Hey, is everything okay?" Allie asks, stepping outside. "You've been out here a long time, and I wanted to make sure no one killed anyone."
Holding my arm out, I wave her over. She wraps her arms around my waist, and I pull her tightly against me. "Your mom wants to pay for the wedding."
"Wait," she says. "The wedding we want, or the wedding you want?"
"I'd like a few accommodations made out of tradition for our family, but it'll be your wedding, Allie," Karla says. "I also needed to apologize to Jackson."
"Are you drunk?"
I laugh, and again, so does Karla. "No, dear, I'm not drunk."
"Mom, you laughed," Allie says, pulling away from me. "Are you okay? Are you on medication? Did you hit your head today?"
"I lost you, Allison," she says, her voice barely a whisper. "For the longest time, I felt like I lost you to Jackson, but when I really lost you, I had to face a few truths. I don't want lose you again."
"You never lost me when I started dating Jax, Mom. You pushed me away because you didn't agree with my decisions."
She wraps her arms around herself in a hug. "They're your decisions to make, sweetheart. I'll respect them. But I cannot hold my tongue if I think you're making a mistake. I have not grown that much."
"We want your opinion as long as you accept that we may not agree with it," I say.
"I think that's fair," she says. "I love you, Allie. You're my little girl. And I'm glad you found a man who will drop everything for you. Never give up on you. Now, I better get back inside to your father before he's converted to whatever it is your friends will convince him of."
Allie turns after her mother walks inside, her mouth agape. "What the hell was that?"
"Hell freezing over?" I offer. "I think she might be turning over a new leaf."
Taking my hand, Allie leads me around the corner of the building and into the shadows. "I can't wait."
"Can't wait for what?" I ask as her fingers work on my jeans.
The moment my cock hits the air, it stands at attention while she hikes up her skirt and slips off her panties. "Take me."
Picking her up, I press her back against the concrete surface of the building, and I slide into her. "You're soaking."
"I love you, Jax," she says, her eyes locking with mine in the dim light. "We don't have much time."
"Good thing I know how to get us both off in record time," I smirk as I thrust, making her moan.