Chapter 12 #2
She looks at me sideways like she doesn't believe me, but she takes a breath and starts anyway. "I think that you don't even realize how you feel about him, and I'm afraid that you might realize it too late and hurt your own feelings.
"Lou, do you even know me? There's literally no chance of that happening for so many reasons. The biggest one being that I don't care about people like that. I'm not you. I don't pine after a guy after one date."
Oh shit...
She can't even look me in the eye right now. The silence that follows fills the car like a shrill scream.
"Shit. I'm sorry, Lou. I didn't mean that in a bad way. You know I love Sam and that I love the two of you together. That shit's just not for me. That's all I meant."
"That's why I didn't want to say anything." Her voice is hushed, but laced with an annoyance only a big sister can feel toward their younger sibling.
"You're right. I begged you to say it." I find her knee and place my hand there. "I'm sorry. I'm just sick of everyone trying to play matchmaker for me. You all know who I am, so why all of a sudden are you guys so interested in tying me down?"
"We just want you to be happy, and you've been acting a little differently with this one. We just wanted to help you understand and accept these new feelings."
"I am happy, Lou. I'm perfectly happy living my life the way I have been."
"I know. I'm sorry." She places her hand over mine and gives it a little squeeze.
I reciprocate the affection by leaning my head over on her shoulder. "I love you."
"I love you too."
Iris throws an arm around each of us and kisses our cheeks one at a time. "And I love both of you!"
As I step into the apartment, I feel a pang of something in my chest. It's foreign to me. Shit, first my stupid heart flutters, now this. There are too many new feelings in one evening.
Sadness? No.
Anger? No.
Loneliness... Maybe?
The apartment is dark and quiet, minus the sounds of the city outside.
Fia is off with a girl from the bar that we met on the dance floor.
They invited me to join them, but like I told Lou, I just wasn't feeling it.
I couldn't get my mind off Kass and Clover, and I refuse to think of him while some other girl is fucking me.
Fuck. I've never let someone else sway my decisions and ruin my night like that. I can usually brush things off so easily.
Seeing him at class really shook me, more than I cared to admit to anyone tonight. Maybe it's the alcohol, but something has me in my feels right now—a place I'm painfully unfamiliar with.
I hate not being fully honest with the women in my life that I love and trust so much, but if I'm being honest, I was a little scared.
I've avoided feelings like this for so long that I’m not sure how to handle them.
I thought it would be safer to handle them by myself, on my own time.
But now that I'm alone, I think that I don't want to.
Since I'm a stubbornly prideful person, there's no way I'm asking Lou to turn around and come back here, and calling Fia is out of the question.
I'm not desperate enough to ruin her night.
Lucky for me, I have a perfect option right in this building.
I lock my door behind me and run up the stairs. I knock on Iris and Bear's door, probably a little too loud for this time of night. I know she'll be up. I literally saw her two minutes ago.
They're taking longer than I'd like, so I knock again. As my fist goes to bang on the door a third time, it flies open, and I almost smack an annoyed-looking Bear with my balled-up fist.
"It's about time you answered." I barge in before I even get an invitation. "What, were you guys already fucking or something?"
Iris stumbles out into the living room, pulling her pants up and over her ass. She's panting like she's out of breath. "Or something."
I whip around to look at Bear, who's looking at the ground with a red face. "Good for you."
He raises his palms in a surrender, still not making eye contact with me. "You know what happens when Iris drinks tequila."
I turn back toward Iris, who is now fully clothed, leaning against the wall. "Well, as sorry as I am to interrupt, I need you right now."
Iris nods and makes her way to the couch, and Bear passes me on his way back to their bedroom.
I reach out and grab the sleeve of his sweatshirt, stopping him. "Wait. I think I need you too."
He slowly turns. "Okay." With a nod, he follows Iris to the couch.
Too anxious to sit at this time, I opt to pace back and forth in front of their couch. For a while, the two of them just sit in silence, watching me.
"I don't want your opinions. I just want you to listen."
"Okay."
"But also, if you feel like there's something I'm missing and you need to tell me, say it."
"Okay."
"But also, don't say anything stupid that'll make me want to punch you in the face."
Bear leans over, and I overhear him whisper to Iris, "So does she want our advice or not?"
She punches him in the arm. "Just listen. Go on, B. What's going through that thick skull of yours?"
I take a deep breath, as if that'll prepare me for this. Nothing could prepare me for the tornado of emotions I'm feeling right now, and nothing could help me navigate them painlessly.
Fuck it. Here goes nothing.
"Alright. Bear, I'm not sure if Iris filled you in since she was clearly too busy shucking off her pants the second she walked in the door, so here's the update."
"She told me."
"What?" I stop pacing and turn toward the couch.
"She texted me."
Iris looks about ready to claw Bear's eyes out and then crawl into the couch to get away from me. "I'm so sorry, B. It was such shocking news, and you didn't want to talk about it, so I had to tell someone."
I throw my hand up to stop her from rambling. "It's fine. Saves me time now. I always assume you tell him everything anyway."
I continue pacing as I decide where to start now that he knows the basics. I can't come up with a better question, so I turn to them and ask, "What the fuck do I do, guys?!"
We have a 3-way staring contest until Iris finally breaks the silence. "I think if you really didn't care, or weren't at least curious, you wouldn't be here asking us what to do. If you need someone to give you permission to text him back, then this is me giving you permission."
I want to tell her I'm not looking for anyone's fucking permission, but I pause.
Am I?
Bear raises his hand like he's in elementary school and has a question. "Can I say something?"
"Sure," I nod for him to continue.
He clears his throat. "I know I'm just a stupid boy..."
Iris and I both hum in acknowledgment.
"...but I know that if I hadn't taken the chance and kissed Iris on New Year’s Eve, I would be deeply regretting it every day.
I was terrified, and I wasn't even sure what I felt for her; I just knew that it was unlike anything I'd ever felt before.
" He pauses as if he's waiting for me to refute everything he just said and tell him to shut the fuck up.
I don't, so he continues. "In comparison, there's very little at stake for you—"
"Other than my pride," I interject.
"Other than your pride," he agrees. "We all already know you like him. Take the fucking chance, B. What's the worst that could happen?"
I ponder it for a moment. What is the worst that could happen?
For the briefest moment, my mind flashes to the worst day of my life. Then it's gone, slammed back behind that iron door I keep locked and guarded.
"Only thing I think you need to really consider is his kid," Bear offers.
Iris and I look at Bear, who just made a solid point. I was so focused on protecting myself that I forgot about Clover.
"I mean, he's her dad. How she fits into all this is up to him. And it's not like I'm going to become her step-mom just because I'm having some fun with him."
"That's true." Iris fiddles with the hem of her shirt.
With my heart racing faster, I take another moment to slow my breath and wipe my clammy hands on my pants. "Fuck it."
Bear's face lights up with the realization that I just accepted his advice, which I rarely do. Before he can get too big a head about it, I pull my phone out of my back pocket and plop it down between them on the couch.
"This is what he said to me last." I show them my screen and let them read the message. "I'm not going to text him back tonight because that seems too desperate. But when I do, do we think I should respond by sending a nude? I have some really great ones I just took."