Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
B
I pace the hallway in my apartment, trying to find a way out of this.
Kass is on his way over to talk, and that's the absolute last thing I want to do right now, but I have to end this.
He needs to hear me say that I don't want this anymore, because I have a feeling that if I tried to ghost him, he wouldn't give up that easily.
The last two days of my work trip, I tried to ignore him, but he wouldn't let it go.
He kept texting, asking to talk. I was distracted the whole time, and it affected my meetings.
I wasn't as sharp as I usually am, and that is a prime example of why I don't need this.
I love my job, and I don't want anything to compromise it, along with a thousand other reasons.
As I pass by her room for the hundredth time, Fia pops her head out. "Are you sure you don't want me to leave?"
"No. This will be over quickly."
"Are you sure this is what you want?"
"Fia, I. Don't. Do. This. I don't do ‘what are we’ talks. This was just supposed to be a friends with benefits thing, nothing more."
"Alright. Well, I'll be in here with my headphones on if you need me."
She shuts her door, and I continue pacing the hall. My phone vibrates, so I take it out of my pocket with shaky hands. Why am I shaking? I do this all the time. I have no reason to be nervous.
Kass
Here.
B
I'll buzz you in.
I go to the app on my phone that controls the front door to the building and let him in.
He'll be climbing the stairs now. That gives me only another two minutes to panic before we're face-to-face.
I just pray that I don't get sidetracked and veer from my plan.
I know what I need to say. I just need him to listen and to accept it.
There's a knock at the door, so I go to answer it. Damn, he must have sprinted up those stairs. I open it and let him in, neither of us saying a word. We walk over to the couch, and both take a seat.
"How are—"
"So what did you—" We say at the same time.
"You go," he offers, gesturing toward me.
"You're the one who wanted to talk. You can start."
He takes a breath. I notice his eyes aren't as bright as they usually are.
"How was the rest of your trip?"
"Fine," I lie. "You look like shit, by the way."
My joke lands well, and he runs his hand through his messy hair. "Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night."
Did he lose sleep over me? I brush the thought from my mind. He has a child, and he runs a business. There are plenty of things for him to be stressed about. It's pretty narcissistic of me to assume I'm the culprit.
"I didn't sleep well either." Okay, I have no idea why I said that. Sure, I stayed up a little later than usual, staring up at my ceiling, but once I actually fell asleep, I slept fine. It felt like the polite thing to say.
"I don't really know how to ease into this, so I'm just going to jump right into it."
I nod, encouraging him to continue so I don't have to say anything.
"I know that something I said freaked you out. I'm not dumb, Blake."
"You want to know what freaked me out?"
"I do."
"When you said you only wanted to be with me, I kind of panicked."
"Why?"
"That's just not… I don't… Why would you say that?"
"Because it's how I feel. It doesn't need to add pressure."
"Of course it adds pressure, Kass."
"No, me telling you I have feelings for you would add pressure."
I'm taken aback by his words and stunned into silence for a brief moment. "Do you?"
"Of course I do."
"Kass..." I grumble. "See, this is what I wanted to avoid. How can you expect me to continue whatever this is when you're developing feelings for me that I'm not capable of reciprocating?"
"You're wrong."
"Excuse me?"
"You are capable of reciprocating them, you're just scared to."
"No, Kass, you don't get it. I am literally incapable of developing and maintaining those types of feelings for anyone. It's never happened."
"Because you don't allow it to. And you told me you felt them once."
A sinking feeling takes over me as I remember the stories we shared in the tub, how I opened up to him and told him things I never talk to anyone about. I hope that Fia truly does have her headphones on right now, because this isn't something I want to hash through with anyone.
"That was different. I was in high school, and I didn't even know the weight of those emotions. I'm not even sure I really lov—” I catch myself before that dreaded word slips. “I'm not sure I even cared for him like that."
"Of course you did. Sure, it was probably on a different level than what you could feel as an adult, but that doesn't take away from the fact that you loved him as much as you were capable of back then."
"Why are you even trying to compare that to this anyway? We've known each other for a little over two months. You're moving this way too fucking fast."
"I know how I feel, Blake. Some people are just capable of getting there faster than others."
"And some of us aren't capable of it at all."
"Would you quit saying that? You act like you're some broken little girl, and you're not."
"Are you trying to start a fight?"
"I'm pretty sure we're already fighting."
"Right. So why would you want this? I'm clearly going to fight you every step of the way."
"I'm sure you will."
I shake my head at him, unsure of which nasty comeback I want to throw at him.
"Blake, I'm a half-intelligent person, right?"
"Sure." I give an inch.
"Then why the hell do you think I would choose you if I didn't think I could handle you? If you weren't exactly what I want and what I need, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be fighting for you. I'd be at home with my daughter."
The mention of Clover makes me tense up. "Exactly. You should be at home with her, not here fighting with me."
"Fighting for you, Blake."
I ignore his correction. "You have someone who needs you. It's not fair to Clover for you to welcome a shit storm like me into your life, who's only going to wreak havoc."
"Then don't."
"What an odd thing to say." I'm doing anything I can to deflect the seriousness of this conversation. It's too much for me.
He gives me the satisfaction of a singular laugh before continuing his point, which I'm clearly not following.
"Don't wreak havoc when you don't have to.
If you just leaned into this and let it naturally progress where it's going to go, then there would be a lot less chaos.
Don't run away from me, and I won't have to stir shit up by chasing you. "
"Or you could just leave me the fuck alone, like I prefer."
"See, I don't think you actually like being alone as much as you say you do."
"You don't know me, Kass!"
"I know enough. I want to know more, but that requires you to trust me and trust this."
"How many different ways do I have to say this, Kass? I don't want anything serious with you or with anyone."
"Would you just open your mind and listen to me for one second?"
"Don't tell me what to do. I'm a grown-ass woman, fully capable of making decisions for myself."
"I'm not telling you what to do. I'm heavily suggesting you don't self-sabotage like you always seem to do.
I'm telling you that I, a grown-ass man who knows what he wants, isn't going to let you slip away that easily.
" His chest rises and falls with heavy breaths. "I care too much about your happiness."
"You think you're what's going to make me happy?"
"No. This." He gestures between us. "This could be what saves you from yourself."
"I don't need saving." At this point, I'm seething. If he thinks this is what I need to hear, then he doesn't know me at all. "Get out."
"Blake..."
"Leave."
We have a stare-off for what feels like eternity before he finally gets up from the couch. He turns his back to me, and a piece of my heart turns rigid. This is why I don't let people in. They always start to think they know what's best for me.
With one hand on the doorknob, he looks over his shoulder. Even from over here, I can see the tears in his eyes. "Call me when you're ready to drop this facade and feel something real."
His words are like a sucker punch to my gut. What the fuck is he even getting at? Though I don't fully understand, I can't help but feel like there's a hint of truth to his words. Is this a facade?
No. This is who I am. And if he doesn't want to accept that, it's no loss to me.