8. Koi
We had a different model tonight. She was a heavyset, curvy, white woman with long, white-blonde hair.
I loved how comfortable in her skin she was.
Her name was Lourdes. I briefly wondered where Salem was.
I had not seen him since that kiss Friday afternoon when he left my office.
He left me shook, and I could barely converse with Nathan Searles.
It took so much concentration and hard work to focus on what he was talking about.
After Mr. Searles left, I rushed out of my office. I hadn’t wanted to get caught by another student. I simply wanted to make it home so I could be alone with my thoughts and feelings. I knew that kissing Salem had been wrong, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Thank you, everyone, for your time tonight. Ms. Lourdes will be back next Wednesday if you would like to complete your work with her,” Chelsea announced with a little clap before she headed in my direction.
I watched as Lourdes climbed off the stool and put her clothes on again. Chelsea stopped at my table. “Hey, sweetheart. I have someone who is waiting to speak with me. So I just had to drop by and say hi briefly.”
“No worries. Go ahead and handle your business. Have a good night, beautiful,” I replied and hugged her before kissing her cheek.
I got off my stool and grabbed my things.
I had enough time after work today to stop by my place and change out of my work clothes.
Every now and then, I would come straight to the studio in my work clothes.
And when I did, I always wore a smock to avoid damaging them.
Tonight, I wore ripped light blue denim jeans and an off-the-shoulder cropped sweatshirt with some tennis shoes.
I walked to the sink and washed my hands vigorously until I cleansed them of all the paint. I had chosen that medium to work with tonight. Once I washed and dried my hands, I grabbed my bag off the table, tugged it up my shoulder, and headed for the doors.
I pushed the door open and welcomed the cool breeze.
The day had been sultry, so now that the temps had dropped, I basked in the cool April evening.
We only had seven weeks of school remaining.
Salem would be graduating soon, and I would not see him anymore.
I would miss his flirty banter, and a part of me wanted to welcome a temporary fling, no matter how fleeting.
I walked down the sidewalk to the coffee shop and pulled the door open.
I had a taste for one of those sticky buns that Salem had given me.
I wanted that more than I wanted anything else.
It was too late for me to be drinking coffee because it would keep me up all night. I would opt for juice instead.
I headed straight for the counter to place my order. I was tugging my phone out of my bag so that I could pay for my order when a familiar voice behind me declared, “I’ve got it.”
It was like my thoughts and desire to be with him had conjured him out of nowhere. It was almost mystical, really. I bit back a shy smile at the feeling that aroused within me.
His body pressed against mine briefly as he leaned around me and shoved his phone underneath the scanner.
I closed my eyes and inhaled the warm vanilla, patchouli, and citrus scents of his bold cologne.
When he removed that dark tattooed arm to put his phone away, I finally spun around and looked into warm, kind eyes.
“Hey.”
“What are you doing here? You weren’t at the studio tonight,” I replied as I stepped away from the counter while I waited for my order.
“I know. Want to have a seat at my table while I collect your order?” he invited and extended a hand toward his table, while ignoring the rest of my comment.
“Sure.”
I walked over to the table where he had his laptop open and a book turned face down. I didn’t know how I had missed him when I first stepped into the coffee shop, but it was clear that he was here before my arrival.
I tugged the book toward me and turned it over. When I saw the title, I smiled. He had finally given in and read the book that I suggested to him, Thank You for Arguing .
From the looks of it, he had read a significant portion. I turned the book back over and pulled my phone out again when it buzzed. There was a text message from Chelsea.
CHELS:
The artist whose work I was having an issue with finally asked me out.
ME:
It’s about time. You’ve been crushing on that man for a while.
CHELS:
Hush.
ME:
Should’ve listened to me and asked him already.
CHELS:
You mean like you and a certain student and model of mine?
“Here you go.” Salem set my sticky bun and juice on the table in front of me.
“Thank you.” I hurriedly tucked my phone away, praying that he had not seen our texts.
During one of our regular spa days, I had finally told Chelsea about the mutual attraction between Salem and me and the kisses we shared.
She insisted that I should do something about it, pointing out that he wasn’t one of my traditional students.
At twenty-five, he was old enough to handle a mature situation like becoming involved with his professor, according to her, especially considering we had a past, no matter how brief.
She said that she had interacted with him enough to know that he was on his grown man shit and was nothing like a regular college student.
I told her that it was all about the ethics. Although I couldn’t help but think about the debate he had with Devorah. Our situation was different, but still, he had made some valid points. I shook my head, realizing that I was trying to justify a reason to be with him.
“Well, damn.”
“Huh? Excuse me?”
“You shook your head no.”
“Uhm, I’m sorry. I was thinking about something. I didn’t hear you.”
He chuckled. “I asked you if you enjoyed the session tonight with the new model, Lourdes.”
“Oh, yes. Yes, I did.”
“What were you shaking your head ‘no’ about then?”
I glanced into his eyes and pondered if I should be honest about it. He reached across the table and grabbed my hand. “Straight talk, no bullshit, Koi .” The smile he graced me with affected me deeply, causing me to want to share all my innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
“I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, about us.”
“What about us?”
“You make me want to experience all the things that I shouldn’t want.”
He rubbed small, lazy circles inside of my palm, which turned me on. “Why shouldn’t you want them?”
“You know why.”
“I want to hear you tell me.”
“I just . . . I could be placing my career in jeopardy. Only when I’m with you, you make me forget all of that. I enjoy conversing with you, spending time with you, and I want to be pleasured by you. And I don’t know how to handle that.”
Shrugging, he replied, “Easy. Just do it. No one has to be all in our business, baby. Trust me to handle things.”
I glanced away, and he chuckled.
“I get it, li’l mama. You don’t trust anyone.”
“I don’t know how to trust, Salem. I’ve been burned too many times.”
“Is that the real reason? Or is it just in your nature?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Distrust of people is the Pisces nature, which makes it difficult for others to trust you. I’ll bet you don’t even trust your damn self.”
“I trust myself.”
He scoffed and squeezed my hand. “You trust yourself to be open to changing your mind and emotions at a whim, depending on how the tide flows, huh?”
“You make me sound flighty.”
“Nah. I just understand who you are.”
“Impossible when you don’t really know me.”
“Like you, sweetheart, I’m highly intuitive and empathetic toward other people’s pain and suffering, so I get it.”
“What’s your zodiac sign?”
“Scorpio.”
“That explains the stubbornness.”
He laughed. “I’m not stubborn. I’m just persistent, and that comes from life experience.”
“Salem, I love the rush that I feel when I’m with you. It makes me giddy and delirious like a little child, but I have to try to hold on to some semblance of reality, though it might be hard. The reality is that if I engage with you, someone will notice. I cannot afford another scandal or rumor.”
He licked his lips and leaned closer. “You can’t afford not to engage with me. You wanna know why?”
“Why?”
“Because you’re about to miss out on the love of a lifetime. You won’t find a more passionate, dedicated, and faithful lover than me, baby girl. I can promise you that.”
“Yeah, but Scorpios are known to be obsessive, manipulative, jealous, and violent too.”
He scooted his chair around the table and beside mine.
Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, he whispered to me.
“You’re right. I’m obsessed with the feel and taste of your pussy.
I ain’t never had to manipulate no one for shit, because I keep it real.
If you ain’t fucking around with no other niggas, I have no reason to be jealous.
As far as violence is concerned, I’m guilty.
Don’t make me jealous, and you ain’t gotta be worried about getting no niggas fucked up. I want you, Pisces.
“Rationalize that shit however you need to in your head, but trust and believe that you’re going to be mine. So, yeah. Maybe I am stubborn, pretty baby.”
Salem moved back to his side of the table, but that didn’t lower my heartbeat or stop my leg from jumping underneath the table. I was growing warm, and my scalp felt prickly. Salem gripped my hand tight in his.
“Chill ya anxious ass out. No one’s gonna figure out what we’ve got going on. And if they do, so the fuck what? I’m not the one running and complaining about you. They gotta ask my ass if you was harassing me first. The fuck you think I’m gon’ say?”
This was another side of him that I had not seen before. He was bossy, in charge, and all street edge. I liked this side of him, but I knew that I couldn’t afford to feel any type of way about him.
“It’s the principle of the matter, Salem. Aside from the possibility of me losing my job, you have a lot to lose too. You’re putting your academic career at jeopardy. If they put you on academic probation, you have to consider how that will affect you.”
“Listen, graduation is right around the corner. I ain’t worried about that shit.”
“All the more reason you need to be careful these next several weeks.”
“I got a handle on this.”
“This what?”
“This thing between you and me.”
He leaned over the table as he spoke, and he stared into my eyes. My gaze dropped to his lips, and I wanted to feel them against mine.
“Look, I know that we have chemistry between us. I’m not going to sit back and play games like I don’t know what this is. The feelings that I’m developing for you are real, but there’s too much at stake for us to play with fire like this.”
“I’m not the type of nigga to easily catch feelings about anyone.
But I’m also not the type of nigga to stand down when I feel something this strong.
I can’t help these feelings, so I’m not gon’ ignore them, and I’m not gon’ sit back and do nothing.
That ain’t me. It doesn’t matter what’s at stake. I’m coming for you.”
“You’d better think about what you’re getting yourself into.”
I had shared with him all that I’d gone through in the past couple of years—the isolation from my colleagues, the whispers and stares from students, the discomfort in the presence of male students, and my dean’s attitude toward me.
The tears welled up, and though I willed them away, they fell anyhow.
Salem reached across the table and wiped them away.
“I just don’t want you to get caught up in my mess. I sense that you have a past that has plagued you, and this . . . school and your degree is your shot, Salem. I don’t want to be the cause of you losing that. If I’m penalized for my feelings, that’s fine, but not you.”
He smiled sweetly at me. “You think I’m ’bout to leave you hanging in this shit?
I’m with you, out in the deep. I ain’t gon’ let you swim back on your own, baby girl.
I got you. I just need you to trust a nigga, ’cause the way I’m feeling you ain’t going nowhere.
I get it that you’re traumatized. Let me be that safe space where you can rest your heart. Give me your troubles, Koi.
“You’ve got this big ole heart, trying to protect me, and I’m good.
All you need is a good nigga to love you.
I bet scandalous niggas always chose you in the past, and you thought that you could fight their battles.
I don’t need you to fight mine, baby. I’m a soldier from the streets. Let me fight your battles for you, ma.”
“I tend to take on other people’s problems and emotions. I’m an empath at heart, and I can’t control it. I lose myself in other people, and it’s easy to forget who I am and maintain control of my individuality.”
“That beautiful individual who I see before me, the one with the big ass heart. I just want to preserve and protect that. I don’t want you to be anybody else but yourself. I’ll fight for you, protect your heart, and love on you until you know who you are and whose you are.”
I couldn’t stop the flood of tears that fell. I wanted to believe everything that he was saying, despite my head telling me I had heard it all before. But because I believed in love, and because I wanted what he told me to be real, I ignored everything else to take a chance.
“Okay. You can have me.”