11. Koi
“Oh my God! What time is it, Salem?” I asked, sitting up in bed. He had ignored me for hours last night. When I decided that I should go home, he pulled me into his bedroom and gently made love to me while apologizing for his behavior.
After we made love, we had a long talk, and he laid his feelings out there for me in an effort to be transparent.
I was honest with him and told him that I wasn’t ready to hear all that he said.
He was moving too fast, and it scared me.
Not because I didn’t want what he had to offer, but I was still worried about what happened in the past. It seemed that I was in a situation that was a replica of the one I had been accused of, and I was afraid the past would come back to haunt me.
We had watched movies all night long, and he had just held me.
It was comfortable lying in his bed, with the sheets that smelled of him, and resting my head on his chest. He hadn’t wanted me to go home, but I could still feel the wedge between us, and I had placed it there.
He had told me that either I accepted him on his terms or he had to “keep pushing,” throwing it down like a gauntlet. In the end, I stayed.
Salem sat up with a groggy look as I spun around the room, trying to find my phone.
“It’s a little after seven. What’s wrong?” he muttered sleepily, getting out of bed.
“I have a class at eight, and I still have to get home, shower, dress, and get back to campus,” I explained, running out of his room and looking for my clothes.
“Baby, chill. You’ll get there,” he replied lazily through a yawn as he leaned against the doorframe and scratched his head.
“I can’t afford to chill. You only have one class today, but I have a full schedule. I shouldn’t have stayed the night when I knew that I had to be up in the morning.”
Salem strode across the room to me and lifted my chin. “Chill your little anxious ass out with all this panicking. This ain’t the first time you stayed over when you had an early class. You’re never late. Besides, they ain’t gon’ fire you for being late a time or two.”
“I don’t want to start now, okay,” I replied haughtily. “Anyway, I have students relying on me to be there on time.”
I grabbed my purse and my keys. He walked me to the door and tilted my head back. “Give me a kiss, baby.”
“I haven’t brushed my teeth, Salem.”
“I’on give a fuck. You mine. Funky breath and all,” he stated with a chuckle as he grabbed my ass and squeezed.
When Salem lowered his head, he kissed me deeply and thoroughly. I was expecting him to have bad morning breath, but surprisingly, he didn’t, which was what made me more self-conscious. When he pulled back, he remarked, “That’s my girl. A’ight, baby, handle your business. We’ll talk later.”
“See you in class,” I replied as he smacked me on the ass.
“A’ight.” Salem scrunched up his face and rubbed his abs.
I headed out of his apartment and heard him lock the door behind me. I ran down the stairs and hopped into my car. Throughout the drive to my apartment, I glanced in the mirrors and prayed that I would not get a speeding ticket.
Thankfully, my apartment complex was only five minutes from campus.
I knew that once I was showered and dressed, it wouldn’t take me long to get to class.
On the drive home, all I could think about was how nonchalant Salem’s attitude was about my job, me being late, and everything else.
It seemed like the only thing he was concerned about was us indulging ourselves in our feelings for one another.
Last night, I let him know that I was upset about how casually he had fucked me and walked away afterward. He told me that he was upset about how easily I dismissed his feelings and made it seem like he only wanted sex.
That was when he proceeded to lay out his feelings for me.
I wanted to indulge in the beauty of love so badly.
Yet it wasn’t easy when I didn’t know what would happen if someone found out about us.
Even after he graduated, if they learned I had been involved with a student, I would be reprimanded for unethical behavior.
It would only underscore the accusations that had been made against me in the past. I was certain this time that I would not dodge a bullet and that my employment would be terminated.
The problem this time was that I knew that I deserved it.
People would side-eye me about the previous allegations.
Then there was the issue of getting another job as a professor.
When other academic institutions learned why I had been released, they would not touch me with a ten-foot pole.
I would be a liability, and no school wanted to take that risk.
They would feel they were opening themselves up to lawsuits.
I arrived at school ten minutes late, but no one said a word.
When I slipped into my classroom, my students were either studying, on their phones, or, in the case of a few of them, taking a nap.
When my first class was over, I received a breakfast delivery from Brew ‘N’ Sip.
I was confused as to where it came from because I hadn’t ordered anything.
But when I opened the bag, beside the receipt was a little note that read, “Enjoy, beautiful. S.”
There was only one person who would do that.
To know that he thought about me long after I left brought a smile to my face that refused to go away.
I struggled throughout the next class not to giggle and to school my face into a mask of professional composure.
It scared me to feel this giddy over the attention that Salem was showing me, though, partly because I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and partly because I couldn’t focus on shit because I was always thinking about him.
This feeling was dangerous, and I began to feel like no good could come of it.
I waited for my third class of the day, because that was when I would see Salem.
But when the time rolled around, I didn’t see him casually strolling into my room with that sexy ass swagger, beautiful but mischievous smile, or that arrogant attitude.
I was confused and thought that he may just be running late.
But when the end of class came, and Salem still had not shown up, I began to question what was going on.
I pulled out my phone and called him on the way to the bathroom, but it went straight to voicemail.
I tried again after using the bathroom and received the same result.
I finished my next class and called him again. I got nothing. I finally resorted to texting him to ask if he was okay, and I still got no response. I packed my things up after my last class and headed to my office. I had office hours with a few students scheduled.
I hated that I had to see students when I wasn’t feeling my best emotionally. It took everything in me to concentrate, answer their questions, address their concerns, and give them the guidance that they needed.
By the time the day was over, I was physically exhausted and emotionally drained. I had the best sleep ever when I spent the night in Salem’s arms. I felt secure, loved, and protected. But by the end of the day, those feelings were as elusive as they had been prior to me meeting Salem.
I thought about how he had fucked me so angrily, and how I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with someone so possessive and jealous.
Then I thought about the wedge that I felt between us when I had left his place this morning.
I was certain that this was his way of pushing me out.
Because I was so indecisive about us, he was punishing me. Maybe it was for the best.
I made up my mind that I could not go on that way.
Although I wasn’t certain what happened, I knew that I did not like the way that it made me feel.
I decided to end things. It was best for both of us.
He could go on with his life and meet someone free to be with him openly.
And I would go on with my life and dream about what could have been.