Chapter 24
THEO
Why.
A lump formed in my throat so fast that my eyes watered with it.
Simon wanted to go.
He wanted to leave what happened in Montauk in Montauk.
Right now.
My stomach turned over, heartbeat pounding in my ears.
Maybe that wasn’t it. Maybe he just didn’t understand what I was getting at. It was weird, out of context, that I’d want to stay here a minute longer than I had to. Maybe he hadn’t noticed me stalling all night.
“I thought… we don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” I said, the words bitter on my tongue. I didn’t want him to do anything he didn’t want to. Not for the world. “But, uh. I was thinking… one more night. Of… of this.”
“This?” Simon raised an eyebrow.
“Us.”
“Us,” Simon repeated, pronouncing the word like he’d never heard it before.
Because there was no us. This was all temporary. I was doing what I always tried so, so hard not to do—asking him for something he didn’t want to give me.
I couldn’t push. No matter how badly I wanted this. Simon always gave into me, always did what he thought I wanted.
The thought of having another night like that made me sick. He didn’t want this anymore. I had to accept that.
“It’s fine,” I said. “We can… I’m asking too much.”
Simon blinked at me.
“Theo, I have no idea what you’re asking. Why could you possibly want to stay here?”
I forced myself to shrug and my lips to curve into what I hoped was at least a passable approximation of a casual smile. “I just thought we could have one more night. Y’know, for the road. Before we forget about all of this.”
“Forget about all of this?” Simon asked.
God, Corey was right. I was not great with my own words.
Use someone else’s.
“What happens in Montauk stays in Montauk,” I said.
Simon’s lips moved as he repeated the words silently to himself. He’d have to understand now. He was the one who said it.
“Us,” he said after a moment, so soft I might’ve missed it if I hadn’t still been watching his lips. “You… holy shit.”
Simon stepped away from me. My heart tumbled clear out of my chest and plunged into the chasm opening up between us at the look on his face.
“You were… this was… fuck,” he said, taking another step back, running a hand through his hair. “You just… you let me think… but it was all just… Jesus Christ, Theo.”
Simon turned away, tugging on his hair and making a wounded sound. The lump in my throat swelled again, making it hard to swallow.
I’d screwed up, but I didn’t quite understand how, yet.
Simon turned back to face me, tears glistening in his eyes. “You were being someone else,” he said, his voice soft and faint. Distant. “Because this isn’t real life. This isn’t… real, to you. You—”
He cut himself off, shoulders heaving as he breathed. Then he met my eyes with a glare unlike anything I’d ever seen on his face before. I hadn’t realized his face could do that.
“What is wrong with you?” he asked. “Holy shit, they’ve all been right.
I’ve spent ten years defending you. Ten years telling people that yeah, I’d do anything for you, but I’m making that choice and you’d never do anything to hurt me.
That you’re not taking advantage. I didn’t even think twice about letting everyone believe we were dating because I’d repeated that so much that it didn’t even occur to me to wonder if I was wrong.
But you know, dammit, you know how I feel about you.
You know why I’d do anything for you. I let it go the first time you kissed me just because I was there, because you were hurting and you wanted someone to soothe your ego.
But we were kids then. We’re not kids now.
You can’t treat me like a toy and expect me to just… forget it.”
“But—”
“Don’t,” Simon cut me off, palm raised. The tears were threatening to spill over, stinging. I wanted more than anything to go to him, but everything about him was one big warning sign right now, from the set of his jaw to the glint of his eyes.
He laughed—a harsh, bitter sound that made my stomach turn over again.
“I’m so stupid,” he said. “I thought you’d finally seen me.
I thought you wanted me, Simon. But you didn’t.
You wanted a boyfriend to show everyone.
Then you wanted a boyfriend to… what? Fill in between chasing after people who don’t give a shit about you?
But you don’t need that anymore, because we’re going home.
You’ll go back to your life and someone shiny will catch your eye and then they’ll break your heart, again, but Simon will be there to fix it, because he always is, because—”
His voice broke. I wanted to take the opportunity to say something, but I couldn’t get mine to work, either.
“Because he loves you,” Simon choked out. “Because I love you. How many times have I said it? Hundreds. Thousands, probably. So I know you know and I’ve just been deluding myself that you don’t.”
He paused to laugh again, a sound that was half a sob and half a scream. It was the worst thing I’d ever heard in my life. I’d never seen Simon heartbroken before, but I was seeing it now.
I hated it.
“You wanna know how many times you’ve said it back?” he continued. “Zero. Never.”
My mouth fell open.
He was right. I knew, as soon as he said it, that he was right.
I never told anyone I loved them. Corey had reminded me of that earlier.
“Simon, I—”
He cut me off again with a wave of his hand. “Don’t. I swear to God, Theo, don’t, or I’ll… fuck.”
I stared helplessly at him, my heartbeat deafening in my ears.
He laughed again. If anything, it was worse this time.
“Forget it,” he said, tilting his head back to look up at the sky.
“You’re right. We forget all of this. I’ll cool off and I won’t be mad anymore and we can go back to exactly the way things were once we’re home.
I’m old enough to know that I can’t earn you, no matter what I do.
I just thought...” He sighed, arms falling to his sides with a thump.
“This is… it’s fine. I’m just your plus one. That’s all I’ll ever be.”
By some miracle, when he turned and walked away, I knew better than to follow him.