Chapter 10 - Caleb
My skin feels hotter than it ever has before, but it’s not from the fireplace.
It’s from Lila and her mere existence. Her presence in the room, along with every breath she takes, and the way every movement sends another waft of her scent in my direction.
She’s in the bed, her entire body stiff while she stares up at the ceiling. And I’m on the couch across the room pretending like that distance between us is enough to keep the bond from pulling tight enough to snap.
Given how uncomfortable she seemed around me, I insisted on sleeping there, hoping to give her some relief.
But even if I can’t feel her from my place, it’s like I can. The bond is so new and fresh, and everything in me is screaming to just take what I want and need, consequences be damned.
The ceremony was bad enough. Having her neck presented to me like that, scent blooming across her skin in the most tempting way possible…
it pulled such a visceral reaction from me.
Everything I tried to shut away for four years came storming back in with a vengeance, and even if it’s just the two of us now, trapped in such an intimate space, there’s nothing I can do about it.
She wants nothing to do with me. And I want everything to do with her.
Lila glances in my direction through the dimly lit space. It’s quick and guarded, almost like she’s checking to make sure I’m still far enough away for her liking. But, I’m sure I look ridiculous with my feet hanging over the arm of the couch due to being squished in.
“Comfortable over there?” she asks, not because she cares, but because she likely feels obligated to acknowledge my presence.
I puff out a breath. “Define comfortable.”
Truth be told, my arm is going numb from having to crunch it between the cushions, and there’s a spring digging into my shoulder blade. But, she doesn’t need to hear me complaining.
“I didn’t force you to sleep there.”
“No, you didn’t,” I murmur, well aware it was my idea. “But I didn’t want you thinking I had any expectations.”
“How chivalrous of you.”
Despite how badly my hands are itching to feel her skin, her sarcasm is grating.
“Lila,” I warn, in a nice enough tone.
“What?” she returns, sitting up in bed now. “Do you really want me to pretend I’m fine with all of this?”
“No, I don’t. I just want you to stop assuming the worst of me.”
She scoffs. “If you want a list of reasons why that’s not exactly easy, I can give you one.”
I clench my jaw and take a breath. “I know what I did.”
“Do you? Because you keep acting like we can just skip ahead to the part where everything is all good. Where any of this makes sense.”
Without thinking, I stand, feeling dragged over by the bond. She stiffens as I take a few steps closer, gripping the blanket. But I force myself to stop.
“I’m not asking for miracles, Lila. I’m asking for a chance.”
She looks at me like she doesn’t trust a word coming out of my mouth, and while I want her to, I know she has every right not to. Her gaze hardens slightly, as if trying not to show any other feelings.
“I didn’t want this bond.”
“Neither did I, but I chose it as much as you did,” I mumble, glancing at the empty side of the bed with subtle longing.
“You’re the one who made it happen regardless,” she retorts, not easing up. “And now you’re the Alpha because of it. You always seem to get everything you want.”
“Except the one thing that matters.”
The insinuation lingers like ice between us, and she scowls. “Don’t say things like that.”
While our eyes remain locked, the bond between us seems to hum, but as tempting as it is, her resistance stops me from acting on it.
As hard as I’m trying to keep it all in, I feel strung out and stretched thin all at the same time, all the while those urges claw at me from the inside.
I glance at the bed again, and when the thought of returning to the couch makes me internally recoil, I move closer.
Of course, Lila tenses, staring at me like she’s bracing herself for the harshest treatment imaginable. The second her breathing changes, my heart rams against my ribs.
“I’m not going to touch you,” I mutter, forcing the words out as I lower myself onto the bed and turn onto my back. A quiet breath escapes me, “… Not unless you want me to.”
“I don’t,” she bites back, almost too quickly.
I tried.
My inner wolf stirs at the faint tremble in her scent and the way her pulse flutters in her wrist closest to me. She’s fighting herself just as much as she’s fighting me.
I know I should leave it here, given how she’s already tense just from the proximity, but there’s something about that invisible tether that has me wanting to be honest. It’s a bad idea, but the words slip out before I can swallow them.
“I wanted you,” I say quietly, well aware of just how vulnerable the words are. “Back then, after that night. It wasn’t just because we were drunk.”
Lila freezes, but I continue before she can cut me off.
“I wanted you so badly that it scared the shit out of me, and I handled it like a coward.”
The words seem to hit her hard, but she still doesn’t say anything. I notice as her hands clench, though.
“You were right earlier,” I murmur, scrubbing a hand down my face. “I didn’t know what the rejection did to you, and at the time, I didn’t want to. I thought pushing you away and pursuing the military would make it fade, but it never did.”
After a moment of quiet, she swallows hard. “Don’t try to make it sound like a tragic accident. You made a decision, and you stuck by it for four years.”
“I know,” I say, trying so hard to contend with the guilt in silence. “But I’m trying to make a different one now.”
“It’s too late…”
Those words burn, but when I finally look at her, something shifts in my chest.
“You say that, but I don’t think even you believe it.”
Her brows pinch at that, but the longer I hold her gaze, the more her expression slips into something hesitant and unsure, like her own restraint is beginning to crumble.
With the smallest space between us, and my wolf silently nudging me to do something, I feel as the grip I keep on my self-control begins to loosen, and the proximity suddenly seems so stifling.
Swallowing hard, I take in her features, so damn tempted. I just want to throw myself at her. To feel and taste her skin. To ravish her so completely that neither of us can even remember what’s out of place between us.
But that would be crazy… I have to start small.
Slowly, almost like trying to tame a wild animal, I reach for her hand. Something warm and electric shoots up my arm the moment I touch her, and it’s enough to send a wave of unbridled need through me.
She’s frozen solid, completely unmoving. But her breath hitches, and for a moment, hope flickers in my chest.
I just want to lean in and kiss her… to help her see that she doesn’t need to resist it. We can embrace it and move forward. In time, it might even become what she wanted before.
Then her eyes burn into mine, and she pulls her hand away.
“I said what I said. Respect it, or sleep on the couch.”
Every syllable is scathing, but she’s right.
Steeling myself against the bruise to my ego, I turn away, forcing down the hunger raging inside me.
It’s too late.
Maybe it is, but the bond between us sure as hell doesn’t think so. Neither do I.
That agonizing silence stretches longer, and even if I was pushing my luck, something in me doesn’t want to leave it at that. I don’t want that ice between us to linger longer than it needs to.
“Good night, Lila.”
She doesn’t say a word in return, and try as I might, it takes forever for me to fall asleep with her heat and addictive scent so close to me.
***
It’s even worse this morning.
Somehow, the distance between us feels even sharper, but regardless of the bond persisting, she’s still ignoring it as fiercely as she can.
She moves around the cabin with quiet yet deliberate steps, expression tight and shoulders even tighter.
Standing by the window, looking outside, I glance back at her, along with the small kitchen table where her plate still sits. “You should eat something.”
“I’m fine.”
“You barely even looked at it.”
“I’m not hungry.”
As my patience begins to waver, I pull in a breath. “I don’t want you fainting in the woods today.”
Lila glares at me. “I don’t need your concern.”
“Too bad,” I mutter, taking a step closer. “You have it anyway. That’s how this works now.”
“I don’t want it.”
“And I don’t want you starving yourself out of spite.”
She laughs, but it’s far from genuine. “You think I’m being spiteful?”
“I think you’re trying very hard not to feel anything… including hunger.”
Her stare is scathing, but she crosses her arms. “And if the urge to murder you is the thing I’m repressing?”
I snort at that. “Then I’ll consider it progress.”
After another beat of silence, she huffs out a breath. “I want to go back.”
“And we will,” I tell her, moving over to the armchair and dropping myself into it. “After the weekend is up. The tradition says at least two nights and two days, if not more. Technically, we’re on day one.”
Lila’s brows furrow, going rigid again. “I don’t give a damn about the tradition, and you’re obviously miserable too. So why make me stay?”
Sighing to myself, I reach for the lighter meant for the various candles around the room that haven’t even been touched yet. I mindlessly play with it in my grasp. “Because the pack needs to think we followed the rules, even if, well…”
She scoffs at that and turns away, arms folded over her chest a bit tighter. “I want to see Astrid.”
“I know.”
At my tone, as if forgetting herself, Lila lets her shoulders soften before pulling them tight again. The cold front between us gets even stronger despite how badly I want to push it out.
But she needs time, and if I keep pushing her, she’ll snap. Whatever little progress I’ve made will go up in smoke.
Eventually, she pushes her way out the front door, and as tempted as I am to call her back in, I let her go.
In her absence, my wolf feels more restless than ever. It just wants to be near her, wanting to soothe her more than anything.
But I force it down and remind myself that my desires don’t matter right now.
Lila’s comfort matters, as well as her safety.
Dragging a hand down my face, I force out a breath to try and steady myself through the storm of everything kicking up in my system at the same time.
I didn’t want it to be her… the girl I hurt, the woman I wronged, and the mate I never thought I’d have for myself.
However, fate never asked me for my opinion, and it never will.
As much as I still want to doubt it, I can’t.
I want her. I need her.
And if giving her space is the one thing that might help her warm up to me, then so be it.
I can wait, even if it’s agonizing.