Chapter 23 - Lila
I can hardly look at you right now…
Caleb’s words echo in my head long after I was told to sleep in the guest room with Astrid, and even a few days later.
That rejection stabs into me all over again, slow and merciless, but entirely avoidable. I knew it was going to happen. I knew that continuing to keep that secret from him would only delay the inevitable, and I knew letting myself fall back into him would land me exactly here.
But I did it anyway. I gave him space in my heart after he broke it, and now I’m paying for it.
It’s hard to gain any clarity while staying in his house. While everything is his, and everything smells like his. It all belongs to Caleb, and every corner is a reminder of him looming in my life.
As much as I don’t want to fall into the same category, a piece of me belongs to him, too.
I want to hate him. I want to so badly, and to tell myself that he didn’t deserve to know any part of the truth—that he never deserved to feel the warmth of Astrid’s existence, that the years of pain he put me through don’t compare to the four years he lost.
But that hatred falls short because I know it isn’t true.
Even when he had no idea Astrid was his, he still protected her like she was anyway.
Every time she laughed with him or willingly found herself in his arms, he soaked it in like she was the sun, yet he didn’t know.
I know he would rather die before letting anything happen to her, and that’s exactly the problem.
As much as I don’t want to admit it, he is the only one strong enough to protect us.
He’s the only one willing to safeguard us with everything he has, even when it means shouldering the pack’s doubt.
But right now, it feels like none of that matters. Not while the last few days have gone by with nothing short of torturous tension and raw aching.
It’s been hard to manage anything while I feel nothing but cold silence through the bond. That absence has me feeling more vulnerable and exposed than ever before, and I can’t shake the lingering dread in my gut.
I keep thinking over and over again that Astrid deserves better from me, and right now, I’m not so sure I’m capable of giving her that.
Caleb has barely looked at me. Even when it seems like he’s ready to say something, or to pick up where we left off, he cuts it off and continues.
He’s civil and controlled, but that’s the extent of it for me. To Astrid, he speaks normally as expected, with warmth and patience.
I’m glad he does, because at least then she has a better chance of not knowing what’s going on.
I try to make peace with that nothingness he gives me, but it’s hard when that kind of silence starts to hurt more than yelling.
Astrid and I have fallen into a quiet routine, keeping mostly out of sight when we can.
I take her with me during work when Caleb is out, then for walks to get her energy out afterwards.
I avoid Caleb’s path when he’s out monitoring the borders, and I do everything in my power not to make things worse.
Still, it’s impossible not to feel the cracks spreading through everything we built, and everything that felt so close to healing. Now, it’s slipping away, and I don’t know how to fix it.
Tonight, Astrid sits on the edge of the bed between my legs while I braid her hair. Her legs swing back and forth while she hums under her breath, both cheerful and oblivious. For a long while, I watch her, glancing down at her almost black hair in my hands, and my stomach clenches with guilt.
I told Caleb the truth, but I still haven’t told Astrid. She deserves to know.
Finishing up the braid, I pull in a breath and shift around on the bed until I’m on the floor in front of her, taking her hands in mine.
“Sweetheart, I need to tell you something important.”
She looks at me with those green eyes that look so much like mine; it likely threw Caleb off his suspicions initially. “Is it a bad something?”
Despite how my throat threatens to close around the words, I force it not to. “It’s a big something.”
At that, she nods with a slight tilt of her head.
Willing myself to come out with it, I take a deep breath and idly rub my thumbs against the back of her little hands. “Astrid… Caleb isn’t just a friend we’re staying with. He’s… your father.”
The words hang in the air for a long moment while she processes, blinking back at me curiously. Then her brows knit in confusion.
“I thought you said I don’t have a daddy.”
“I said you didn’t have one here with us,” I correct gently, hating how this all has to be confusing for her. “But you do have one. You always have… he just didn’t know you were his. But now he does.”
Astrid sits with it for a long time, looking down at the blanket under her. “Is he mad?”
My heart aches at the question, and I gently brush a hand down her arm. “Not at you, honey… never at you.”
Her eyes meet mine again. “Is he mad at you?”
Pain pulses in my chest, but I swallow hard and nod. “Right now, yes.”
“Are we leaving?”
The small words are more gutting than she could ever know.
“No, we’re not leaving,” I murmur, gently brushing a finger against her cheek. “We’re safe here.”
A small part of me isn’t so sure if it’s the truth, but I don’t let her see my doubt.
She nods, frowning slightly in thought. She reaches for the blanket and plays with the frilled ends. “I like Caleb. He feels warm.”
Warm. Safe.
Just like how he made me feel before everything started crumbling again.
“I know, sweetheart,” I say gently, brushing a light kiss to her forehead. “He cares about you very much.”
Before I can focus on keeping myself together, a chill scurries down my neck, and goosebumps rise along my arms.
A moment later, Astrid stills, and her gaze instinctively flicks toward the window, unblinking.
“Mommy,” she says quietly, sounding so small. “There are wolves outside.”
That makes my blood run cold.
But as I look at them myself, I catch the brief blurs of fur as they move by through the twilight, and I pull in their scents before I do anything.
Then, dread settles in my gut.
They aren’t ours, and they aren’t safe.
Alarms ring through my system, and I’m on my feet before realizing it.
“Stay here, honey,” I breathe out, already heading for the door. “Don’t move.”
She nods, clutching the blanket as I leave the room.
Moving quickly, I try to creep closer to the window to sneak a look, but I don’t need to. Not when the windows are already open, and at least six wolves are looking in at me, three of them shifted. My heart stops.
Wraith Peak. Hayes.
Of course, they would come now, right when I’m already in pieces.
His grin pulls when our eyes lock, and I freeze.
Before I can back out of the room and get back to Astrid, he rushes to the door, pushing it open with a swift kick before he and the others pool in.
Everything in my body goes frigid, and it takes everything in my power not to lose my footing.
“Where’s the girl?” Hayes asks, surrounded by his fellow wolves, as they glance around the house.
I take a slow step back, silently praying that Caleb isn’t far. That if I delay long enough, he might have the chance to get here.
“Don’t even think about it,” I say, voice colder than ever. “If you touch her, I swear—”
“You don’t swear anything,” he returns, voice rough and eyes wild from the chase. “You’re weak, and you always have been. I can smell it on you.”
Weak.
That word strikes something in me, but not like before. After years of being dismissed, ignored, and belittled… I won’t take it anymore.
“Come anywhere near her, and I’ll tear your throat out.”
They laugh, then one of them lunges while they surround me.
Ducking just in time, I kick with all the strength I have, fueled by the thought of keeping Astrid safe despite the odds being stacked against me. My foot connects with his ribs, and he stumbles back with an irritated grunt.
Hayes laughs again, amused by it all.
I stand my ground, glancing between them, but there are too many. Way too many for me to take on alone.
Another grabs my arm, yanking me back so hard that my shoulder pops, feeling far too close to being torn from the socket. I cry out, twisting and kicking despite it. I fight as hard as I can, not knowing who I’m hitting or what my plan is.
“Don’t touch her!” I scream at them, clipping a jaw before both my arms are pinned behind my back.
They swoop in like true predators, and one darts by me, moving down the hall.
“No!” I shout, attempting to lunge after him, only to feel a hand clamped over my mouth as I’m dragged back. I thrash, bite, and kick, but the man’s grip is like iron.
From the bedroom, Astrid screams, high-pitched and terrified, sending both dread and rage rippling through me.
When she calls out to me, my blood runs cold, and I feel my inner wolf grow inside me, pushing at the seams.
I welcome it, willing myself to shift.
But before I can, something heavy slams against the side of my head, sending roaring pain shooting through my head. White light explodes behind my eyes, and I stagger.
Immediately, the room spins, and Astrid’s cries muffle before ebbing into nothingness.
Only pure, empty darkness.