Chapter 16
I needed the weekend out of the city to clear my mind.
I was ready to get swept up in conversation that had nothing to do with me or what was plaguing me.
I was ready to release all my pent-up stress on the dance floor.
Friday night was a dinner with six of my cousin Kiya’s closest friends.
The food was good, the conversation was lively, and something about Kiya’s demeanor felt different.
She’s either pregnant or engaged, I concluded as we said good night.
Sitting in a VIP club section with those same friends on Saturday, the loud, boisterous conversations and the chaotic celebratory energy made it easy to block out any and all nagging thoughts.
We danced, we laughed, and we drank. I wasn’t a heavy drinker so I couldn’t keep up with the rest of them.
When I got back from backing my ass up on the dance floor, I sat down on one of the leather couches in our section.
“I follow you on social media.” A short woman with a cute fade haircut sat next to me. “Kiya didn’t tell me her cousin was a celebrity.”
I laughed. “I wouldn’t say celebrity.”
“I thought you looked familiar at dinner last night and then it hit me today.” She pulled out her phone and showed me that she followed my page. “I’m trying to get my followers up. What would you suggest I do?”
“What do you do? What’s your thing?”
“I cut hair.”
“I would just consistently post your work. Show your skill. Show your personality. And figure out what you want to say and make sure you’re communicating that to the audience.”
She opened up a notes app and typed what I’d said. “Thank you. I know you’re just trying to chill and don’t want to talk work, but I have one more question and then I’ll leave you alone about all this. I promise.”
I took a sip of my drink. “Okay, let’s hear it.”
“How did you get into being a social media content creator?”
“I’ve always loved fashion and I couldn’t find big fashion girlies to follow.
So, I became what I wanted to see. And then people were in my comments asking about the outfits and expressing a desire to find similar pieces.
I was putting clothes together in a way that other people weren’t and helping to change the narrative of big-bodied style.
I enjoyed the impact of that.” I smiled.
“I still enjoy that. And I connected with my audience over fashion, style, and my personality. I’ve stayed true to my brand.
And that’s why I suggested that you figure out what you want to say and then say it consistently. ”
“Is it hard to have a relationship when your life is so public?”
“I’m authentically myself, but I am also private. I don’t use names or specify the places I’m going to be. I don’t share too much. No one I date knows what I do for a living.”
Her glassy eyes got big. “Really?”
“Really,” I confirmed.
“So, your man doesn’t know—”
“Nina doesn’t have a man. She has men,” Kiya interrupted with a laugh, plopping down next to me. “As long as they stay in rotation, she won’t ever settle down.”
“What?” the woman screeched. “So you mean to tell me you’ve never had one that you were so down bad for that you wanted to let everyone else go? One that had everything you were looking for?”
My alcohol-infused brain quickly flashed moments with Russ through my mind, and I shut my eyes tight and shook it off. “Nope,” I answered.
“Can I steal my cousin from you?” Kiya asked, interrupting. She grabbed my hand. “Come with me.”
I allowed myself to be pulled toward the VIP bathrooms.
“I’m sorry if she’s asking you a million questions,” Kiya apologized. “Ever since she realized you were my cousin, she’s been fangirling.”
My smile grew. “It’s fine. Honestly, it made me smile.”
She freshened her lipstick and then glanced at me. “What’s going on with you?”
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
“When she was questioning you about settling down, you had a look on your face.”
“A look?” I frowned, shaking my head again. “I don’t know what you mean.”
She eyed me suspiciously. “You had a look. I can’t describe it. But it made me think that maybe you were uncomfortable. And the only reason I could think that it would make you uncomfortable is if there was some truth to it.”
“What do you mean?” Jerking my thumb toward the exit, I gave her a questioning look. “I just took that man’s number on the dance floor!”
“Yeah, but you seemed disinterested.”
“We didn’t talk much, but he could dance.” I shrugged. “If we end up talking more, I’ll let you know how he is.”
“Something is different.” She folded her arms over her chest. “Is your roster full?”
I rolled my eyes and teased my hair with my fingers. “There has been a recent opening.”
“Well, maybe this guy will be able to fill the opening.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “And I mean that in all the ways.”
“I know that’s right,” I cackled as we left the restroom.
I couldn’t shake Kiya’s insinuation or the thoughts that ran through my mind, so I made it a point to dance and flirt with every man that I was attracted to.
There were only a handful that really fit the bill.
But with drinks in my system and two available spots on my roster, I made the most of my night.
At one o’clock in the morning, Kiya made us all lift our lemon drops.
“To friends,” she said as we drank our shots.
Grinning at us, she placed her glass on the table and opened her arms wide.
“Thank you for coming out and celebrating with me,” she started with a huge smile.
“Last night’s dinner was elegant and perfect.
Tonight has been over-the-top fun. The party bus will be here in thirty minutes, and I wanted to take a minute to tell you how much I appreciate you being by my side through all of the major moments of my life.
And I hope that continues over the next year—as bridesmaids in my wedding! ”
We all screamed.
“I knew it!” I called out. “From the way you’ve been acting the last couple of months, I knew it was coming!”
Crowding her with hugs, the eight of us spent the remaining time on our feet, drinking, dancing, and celebrating. The rest of the night was a blur.
“I’m so happy for you,” I told Kiya as we entered her house an hour and a half later. Sitting on her couch, I put my hand to my chest. “My girl is getting married! I love this for you.”
“I didn’t think you believed in marriage or monogamy,” she replied, sitting down in her recliner.
“Of course I believe in marriage and monogamy!”
“You do? I thought you didn’t want to settle down.”
“I would settle down with someone who fulfilled all my needs,” I told her. “We grew up seeing happy, healthy couples. If I meet someone who is the perfect fit for me and I’m the perfect fit for him, I will settle down.”
Grinning drunkenly, she sighed. “When it happens, it’s going to knock you off your feet.”
“How did you know?” I asked. The question bubbled out of me unexpectedly. I was sure I had just thought it until she started answering.
“I knew he was the one almost immediately. We just fit and everything just flowed. But it hit me that he would be the one I would spend my life with when I realized I felt like my most free, my most peaceful, my most authentic self. I found someone who makes life fun. And that’s harder to do than it sounds, because it’s easy to have fun doing fun things.
But to have fun riding in the car, going to the grocery store, just sitting and talking.
” She swooned. “He brings out this childlike quality in me, and at the same time he brings out the badass woman in me. That type of love is so effortless. When you love someone effortlessly, it’s everything. ”
I didn’t remember what I said in response. I didn’t remember falling asleep. But when I woke up on that couch a few hours later with a crook in my neck, I didn’t forget what she’d said.
Or how I felt about what she said.
I couldn’t get Kiya’s words out of my head.
I showered, slept another few hours in her guest room, and I still thought about it.
I returned home Sunday evening, ate a delicious dinner, soaked in the tub, and was still reflecting on Kiya’s answer to my question.
But it wasn’t until I arrived at the RLF building and saw Russ standing at the elevator that I realized why it was nagging me.
The time we’d spent away from each other didn’t lessen the intensity of what I felt for him, and that made me uncomfortable because of what it meant.
I feel like that about Russ.
The thought hit me like a ton of bricks and rooted me where I stood. The thoughts that crept out of my subconscious over the weekend washed over me at the sight of him.
I know I like him, but it isn’t love, I told myself as I put one foot in front of the other. I like him. I miss him. But I don’t love him.
Our conversation and kiss on Friday mixed with the alcohol and conversation with my cousin and stirred my feelings up.
But even if what we had was real, it didn’t matter because our work circumstances were what they were.
Nothing we had mattered anymore. We could only focus on moving forward.
The feelings didn’t just go away because not being together was the right thing to do.
But we had to work together, so we had to figure it out.
Rolling my shoulders back, I decided to confront things head-on.
I tentatively approached Russ as he waited for the elevator. He stared straight ahead with the kind of unwavering focus that confirmed he knew I was there. Clearing my throat lightly, I announced myself.
“Can we go somewhere and talk?” I asked nervously.
“No.”
My mouth fell open. The fuck?