Chapter 46
ALIA
“Alia.”
Ignoring Irsia, I slam my rolling pin against the counter to stretch out the roti I’m flattening until it rips.
I was perfectly fine wallowing in my room until she coaxed me out to make dinner together. She gave me the saddest look when I said no, pout and all. I might have given in to her blatant emotional manipulation but that doesn’t mean I’m any more able to put on a happy face than before.
With an agitated grumble, I gather the mess and roll it up into a shaggy mound, slapping my palms together in a wasted effort to smoothen it.
“Aloo, I think you’ve abused the dough ball enough.”
“You’re the one who begged me to make rotis for you,” I grumble.
“You’re not making roti, though. You’re punching unleavened bread into submission when maybe you need to punch something else. Or someone?”
Her tone is gentle, encouraging me to confide in her. Where do I even begin?
Frustration ripples through me. Three days after my argument with Cal, I’m still annoyed. I’ve been on edge, waiting for a call, or perhaps a message. He’s always been quick to apologize for his mistakes, so his silence makes me wonder if I’m wrong.
His absence grates on my ragged nerves with each passing minute. I feel like I’ve been walking around with gravel in my throat.
Is this how we end? Is the last time I kissed him truly the last time I’ll feel his lips on mine?
Is the last time we were together exactly that? The last?
My phone lies quietly at the edge of the countertop, taunting me for pushing Cal away. I’m vacillating between being glad for standing my ground and wondering if I could’ve done it differently.
I recall his stricken face during our confrontation. The heartbreaking vulnerability in his eyes after he declared he wasn’t enough for me.
The kernel of guilt inside my chest transforms into a boulder, crushing me under its weight.
Whenever I struggled with my emotions in front of him, he supported me.
Reassured me of my worth and created a safe space for me to process all I felt.
The one time I should’ve stayed to comfort him, I walked away.
I’d gotten so wrapped up in my need to avoid mistakes of my past, to be different than how I’d been with Namik and not let another man control me, that I ignored the heart of Cal’s confession.
I assumed I’d be enough for you to stay.
The echo of his hoarse plea wraps around my ribs and constricts my lungs. Time and distance have taken enough edge off my anger to acknowledge that Cal is nothing like my ex-husband.
And now, I’ll lose him.
“Men are dumb,” I declare, my voice cracking.
I miss Cal. How will I live across the world without seeing his smile every day? Or without hearing his teasing drawl calling me Tots? Or without melting into the warmth of his hugs?
My flour-covered hands clench into the dough as the ache in my heart spikes sharply. Hot, wet drops splatter on the counter as I lose the fight to hold my tears at bay.
“Oh, honey,” Irsia murmurs. She rushes around the island and gathers me close. The fact that I’m taller than her doesn’t lessen the impact of her support.
“Cal and I fought about my going away,” I whimper, taking in shuddering breaths as I give in to my misery.
“I gathered.” Irsia pats my back, not complaining when my tears wet her shoulder.
“And I still miss him,“ I sniffle, my voice high and thin like a heartsick child. “He’s an idiot but I miss him so much.”
Wordlessly, Irsia helps me get cleaned up before settling me into the couch and bringing me water. Kind of her. I’m certain all this crying will leave me dehydrated.
“He said such horrid things,” I complain, accepting the tissue she hands me with more force than the occasion warrants.
I fold my feet under my thighs and swipe the pillow off the side, crushing it to my abdomen as though it’ll stave off the misery rushing towards me.
“He said what we had was temporary. That all I wanted from him were orgasms and fun.”
Irsia’s face grows thoughtful as she nods, digesting what I’ve said. “Aloo, I’m not taking sides, but that’s pretty much what you told me as well. That it’s just a fling. Why is that making you cry?”
My vision blurs as my eyes fill again.
“It’s more,” I wail, my face dropping into my palms.
“Mmhmm.” Irsia sounds amused, but I’m too distraught to see the humor in my situation.
“I wasn’t very nice to him either,” I admit. “He’s not the only idiot.”
“Then work it out,” she says patiently, like the solution is right in front of my face and I’m being blind to it.
How? I’d promised him a safe space to be completely himself, that he didn’t have to smile and be happy if he didn’t feel like it. And, when he needed that safety, I lashed out.
“I don’t know how to,” I confess in a tortured whisper.
“For starters, you could tell him how you really feel.”
I blanch.
“The alternative,” she continues, “is that you run away to India without resolving anything, forget Cal, and move on.”
My entire being rejects this idea. My feelings must have shown on my face, because Irsia snorts out loud.
“Looks like you know exactly what you need to do, Alia. Time to be brave and win your man back.”