Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
THORNE
Tossing the damp towel over the shower, I peered around the bathroom door.
Curled up just as I’d left him, Oren’s chest rose and fell with steady breaths.
Where he usually took care of me after we explored one another, I’d changed the pace this time around, given I’d throat fucked the ever-living shit out of him.
I could still see the image of him taking every inch of me in the back of my mind. The way his cerulean gaze welled up with tears, the desperation that lined his irises, and the pure hunger he harbored as he dug his nails into my thighs.
Glancing down, a smirk graced my lips as my attention landed on the marks he’d left on me—bloodied crescent moons indicative of just how ruthless I had been.
My length twitched at the thought, a huffed curse joining it as I shook my head.
Palming myself once over my sweats, I attempted to coerce my inner demons back into their home, but he was just that goddamn irresistible.
Oren fucking Valens.
My love. My life. My dove. My always.
Reflection taunting me, I craned to look at the mirror.
Exhaustion lined my features, giving away how little I had slept throughout the course of the past year.
Sure, I was resting, but it was fitful, because every part of me knew there was still too much to do.
And when Liam went missing? That weight intensified tenfold, because I’d promised him I would never allow him to experience that hell ever again.
Yet another vow that’d slipped through my fingers, just like all the others.
Nipping at my cheek, I basked in the plume of iron that flooded the back of my throat. As my thumb and forefinger greeted the ring on my left hand, spinning it back and forth against my skin, every doubt I had resurfaced.
If I couldn’t protect Liam, how would I be able to guarantee Oren remained safe?
If I couldn’t bear the weight of the stress of my previous position and the decisions that led me to start this organization, how could I love him properly?
If I couldn’t uphold my promises, how would I be able to spout off vows to the man who deserved someone far better than someone as fucking pitiful as me?
My tongue danced across my cheek as I shook my head, quickly passing over the scar of my past that had carved its way through my face years ago.
Scratching at my thickening stubble, I rapped my knuckles against the granite countertop before exiting the bathroom.
Each footfall brought me closer to the bed, but I wasn’t planning on lying down yet, not when my mind wouldn’t shut the fuck up.
I curled my fingers around the pack of cigarettes I’d placed on the nightstand, my increased desire to indulge in the act becoming something I knew Oren saw as problematic.
Swallowing, I looked at him, that valiant innocence plastered over his face in a way that had me more than tempted to ask Levander to lock him in a safe house somewhere and not allow him to come on this mission.
Sure, he’d fucking loathe me more for it, but I hated myself enough for the two of us.
I needed him to be safe because if something happened to him again, I would never fucking forgive myself.
I still hadn’t absolved myself of my mistakes on the day he’d nearly died in my arms, only to be resuscitated by someone who wasn’t me.
I hadn’t been good enough to save him, to breathe enough oxygen back into his lungs to bring him back to me, and I couldn’t suffer that all over again.
I wouldn’t survive the guilt.
Combing a hand through his hair, I allowed a single tear to fall. “I’m sorry.”
With my desire building to slip into bed and hold him while I cried myself to sleep—a frequent ritual that he had yet to learn of—I forced myself to pull away.
Snatching my hoodie from the couch, I slipped one of the keycards from the desk as I tossed the plush material over my head.
Once I’d adjusted the fabric, I flipped the lock on the door and pulled it open, sliding the “Do not Disturb” sign over the handle.
Taking one final glance over my shoulder to ensure Oren hadn’t stirred, I stepped out into the hallway, allowing the door to latch behind me.
My knuckle swept under my eye as I rid myself of any sign that I’d been crying before I tucked my hands in the hoodie pocket and made my way toward the elevator.
A throat cleared, gaze lifting as I swept over Matt’s disheveled appearance. My brows raised, the words flowing from me with ease. “God, you look like shit.”
He chuckled, but it was void of his usual playfulness. “Yeah… I… Fuck, I can’t do this.” Crossing his arms over his chest, he leaned against the wall. “Why didn’t you tell me, or hell, warn me about Levander?”
“What the fuck are you on?” I asked, walking past him as I continued my route with determination to escape the eighteenth floor of the goddamn hotel and step out for a breath of cold fresh air.
Snatching my wrist, he halted my path. “What the fuck am I on? Oh, I don’t know… Probably the fact I fucked him, unaware of how young he was!”
Agitation built as he stopped me, but the latter portion of his statement caught me off guard, wisping away my shelved anger. “Wait, what?”
Matt pressed his palms against his sockets, rubbing them furiously. “Fuck, I messed up, and I think I made the kid more upset by how I reacted. Hell, he’s fucking twenty and I turn thirty in a month!”
Scoffing, I flicked my tongue against my canine, a laugh following. “Welcome to the club, buddy.”
Groaning, he dramatically shook his head. “God, I slept with a kid, but fuck, it was the best sex I’ve ever experienced. And I’m upset with you, because I know you saw me at that diner making advances, and you didn’t warn me.”
“Why would I? Lev is a catch, I’m engaged to a twenty-two-year-old, and I turn thirty-one this year. I’m the worst person to ask for advice, Matt.”
Biting his lip, he tipped his head back to rest against the surface behind him. “Yeah, well, I think I fucked it up anyway, per usual.”
I cracked my neck; halted in my attempt to leave, I leaned against the wall as a means of relaxation. “Fucked it up how?”
“I may have openly panicked about his age, and well, because I…” He huffed, ruffling his hair before continuing. “Fuck, I was his first man, Thorne. As in… the first one to officially… You… You get it.”
“Hm. Really? I’m surprised.” Failing to hide my grin, I deflected his fist. “Okay, shit. Damn. Did you talk to him about it? About being his first? And how he felt afterward?”
“I told him I wish I had known, because I wouldn’t have been so… rough—”
“I fucking knew you were into kinky shit.”
Half-smiling, he shoved my arm playfully. “Oh, suck on a cock, Thorne.” Pausing, he whipped his head to me, finger raised. “I did not mean that literally. We’re right next to each other, and I don’t want to hear you and your fiancé through the thin-ass walls.”
“Clearly, you missed our mating call since you were so… busy fucking the Mafia boss.”
As if only realizing the nature of what he’d done, his face blanched. “I really did… fuck a Mafia boss, didn’t I?”
Pursing my lips, I dipped my chin. “Mhm. You sure did.”
“And fucked it up, too. He didn’t even let me help wash him or take care of him like I always do.”
“I don’t know much about Levander Vescari, but what I know is that he’s been running that organization since he was sixteen. Meaning, he’s done everything by himself from that point on. Hell, I’m sure it was that way beforehand too, since he was the one who murdered his father.”
Was it my business to disclose Levander’s life history? Probably not, but my best friend was two seconds away from combusting, and if we wanted to save Liam, he needed to be there. Clear-headed.
Contemplating my words, he dipped his chin in a slow nod. “Noted. That… makes a lot of sense.” His eyes sparkled, and knowing Matt, he wouldn’t abandon this newfound hope.
Driving two fingers into the center of his chest, I pushed him back. “Given your track record, do not allow this to turn into an obsession. You hear me?”
“Me? Obsessive?” He grinned. “Farthest thing from it. I’m collected and calm since being overseas.”
I folded my arms, looking at him with a lack of amusement. “Yeah? What’re you going to do when Levander goes back to the States, and you’re stuck overseas, totally calm, cool, and collected?”
Opening his mouth, nothing came out as he snapped his jaw shut. Clearing his throat, he rubbed the side of his neck. “O-Oh… I didn’t think about that. I’m still stationed here for at least another three months.”
“Mmm. Mhm,” was all I offered.
Chewing his lip, he pressed his shoulder against the wall as he turned. “Enough about me. You were headed out, weren’t you? Want company?”
“I was just going out for a smoke—” I caught myself, knowing the mention of such an act would immediately warrant a red flag in Matt’s head.
He knew me too well.
“A smoke?” Positioning himself in front of me, he narrowed his eyes. “So my intuition was correct again. And by the way, while everyone else might not catch it, I saw that fake fucking smile you plastered on your face when speaking to Oren. So, tell me, what’s going on between you two?”
“Fake smile?” My anger spiked, fists balling with enough pressure that my nails cut into my palms. “I don’t fake shit around him.”
“Excuse me. Not fake as in a lie, but fake because it’s not full of happiness. And sure, get defensive, because you’re only proving my point. Is it the stress? Trying to manage everything by yourself? Keeping Oren safe? Keeping everyone safe?”
“God, Matthew. Shut up. I’m not in the fucking mood.”
“Well, you never are, which is why I’m in your life to pester you until you own up.
So, do you want me to keep spouting off what I think is going on, or would you like to tell me?
Because from what I can tell, you’re at the end of your rope.
And I know you don’t want to tell Oren, because you adore him more than life itself and don’t want to burden him. ”
My jaw tensed with enough force to pop. “I’m not having this goddamn conversation right now. Not when we have far greater things to worry about.”
“Oh? And your emotions aren’t important? How you’re handling all of this isn’t important?” He scoffed, but he tugged against my shirt, hauling me into his arms. “Well, best friend, looks like you’re stuck until you do. And for the millionth time, you don’t have to be strong around me.”
Every part of me craved a hug, to be held and understood in the bullshit I was shouldering, but I knew if I allowed it, I would fracture. I didn’t have time for brokenness.
Shoving him away, I snarled. “Don’t.”
“Why? Because then you’ll fall apart, and you don’t have time to? Because if you break, how will you keep everyone safe?” He shook his head. “Well, if you don’t want to say it, I will. You’re doing amazing, buddy, and if I say so myself, you’re surrounded by people who love and cherish you.
“You carry way too fucking much and shoulder everything, because it’s what you believe you’re meant to do. You’re scared to lose Oren, of that I’m fucking sure, and rightfully so because of what happened last time, but your team is here to support you. Just like you did with me.”
My chest tightened, breathing a near-impossible task. Moving to step around him, I tucked my hands back into my hoodie pocket. “I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”
“Mhm. The great Thorne Graves, who won’t even look at me right now, because he knows if he does, he’ll cry. And that’s not something he can allow himself to do, because everything will crack and fall apart. Well, it won’t—”
“It won’t?” Pivoting on my heel, I slammed my palms into his chest. “It won’t?
That’s bold coming from the one who turned his back on me alongside Liam and Simon when my one goal was to protect Oren from that mission!
That’s ironic coming from the man who watched me walk out of that goddamn hospital room and didn’t bother to fucking chase after me.
And you still had the balls to claim I was your best fucking friend!
Every goddamn person in this unit, this…
whatever the fuck, has turned their backs on me each fucking time I’ve tried to ‘do my best.’ You are included in the fucking count.
So do not sit here and speak to me as if you have a goddamn clue or any concept of understanding when you’ve acted just like the rest of them! ”
Matt stepped closer, brows pulled tight as a solemn expression replaced his once confident tone. “Thorne, I—”
“Baby?” Followed by a yawn, my sleep-deprived blonde rubbed at his eyes with his knuckles. Dressed in a pair of sweats, his chest was bare, hair disheveled from slumber, but my eyes settled on the scar on his abdomen—the scar that almost took him from me. “Mmm… loud. Every… Everything okay?”
“Just…” Running a hand down my face, I bit my lip with enough force to draw blood as I tried to keep my tone level. “Go back to bed. I’ll be in soon.”
Shaking his head, he teetered to the side. “N-Nightmare… I-I woke up… alone.”
Every emotion that’d rolled forward dissipated, shoved back on the shelf I’d become so adept at organizing. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Everything is alright. I promise.”
“O-Okay… Come to bed soon?”
Glancing at Matt, I gave him a subtle shake of my head, swallowing everything that’d bubbled to the surface once again. “We just finished up. I’m coming.”
With a quick turn, I walked toward the room, shoving aside my feelings to cater to Oren. To cater to everyone. That’s all this life had in store for me: serving everyone else while I struggled to keep my head above water.
And I was fucking drowning.