10. Ivy
CHAPTER 10
Ivy
when did it begin?
what went wrong?
and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
M y throat burns as I re-read Warsan Shire’s groundbreaking poem. To be honest, unlike other literary or medical journals that I consume on a daily basis, I can recite this poem word for word while half conscious.
I think I can even do it at the edge of death…after all, we tend to remember the things we most identify with. And this poem manages to chew me out on every front.
Almost all the songs, books, and art out there are about love. As for me, I find myself gravitating to the ones that bleed of sad, pathetic loneliness.
Not because this is what I want, but because most days, I don’t have the language to describe the astringent feeling that looms over me when I wake up, throughout the day, and when I attempt to sleep.
If they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
This line hits even harder because I know the answer to that.
In fact, most times, we do know the answers to the emotional turmoil we face.
But sometimes knowing is one thing, understanding is another… but accepting it? Well, let’s just say I’m not there at all.
And because I can’t fucking let it go, I’m now in some deep shit that will most likely end up with me behind bars for the rest of my life.
Why did I even do it? It was the most stupid thing ever and now?—
“Ivy?!”
The loud voice reaches my ears.
Startled, I look up in a rush only to see Astraea watching me with concern in her eyes.
I hate that look. The ‘ she’s such a sad soul so we must be careful’ , look.
“Huh?” I force a smile.
“You good?” she asks softly. “I’ve been calling your name for a minute now.”
She has?
I laugh awkwardly. “Yeah, yeah, I was just…”
Trying to figure out how it must feel to be wanted.
To not be abandoned.
To have a mother at the very least…
To not have to overcompensate for wanting to live a good life.
Jesus, I’m a mess.
“I was just thinking that you’re a great mother,” I finally say with a forced smile.
It’s not a lie either. Astraea is a wonderful mother.
She smiles and then shakes her head. “It’s only been about fifteen months. I’m still on trial.”
Fifteen months as compared to being abandoned at birth… I’d take those months any day.
If my mother had wanted me, would she have loved me the way I see Astraea loving her son?
“A self-imposed trial, that’s for sure,” I tease. “You’re doing great!”
“Is that what you were thinking about so deeply?” she asks with a small, knowing smile.
I ignore her imploring gaze. I know she wants to ask what’s really going on with me but see, no one happy wants to hear the thoughts of miserable people. So why dampen her mood?
“Maybe!” I smile, knowing damn well that I’m hiding a shit ton of secrets, not just from her but from everyone in my life. “What were you saying?”
Astraea watches me for a bit. I don’t know what she sees on my face because her eyes soften and then she smiles gently.
“I was asking if you’re all packed and ready for the big world,” she says. “Kim said lately your head’s been buried in textbooks, test papers, and freaking practice sheets all day long, so I wasn’t sure if you’re even packed.”
Her words strike a nerve, but I quickly force myself to be stable.
“Woman, if I don’t study my ass off, I definitely won’t make it,” I mutter, as something sour rises up my throat.
I hope it’s not bile. God knows I’ve barfed my guts out so many times since I lost my mind and did that shit.
“Oh, come on, Ivy, you’ll obviously make it! You aced the MCATs!”
My stomach twists sharply at those words.
For a moment, I feel disoriented as my throat constricts like I’m being choked by invisible hands.
“Ha!” I fake laugh and cough at the same time, but I swear there’s a fine coat of perspiration covering my brow. “That’s just the first step. Unlike Samuel who’s naturally endowed with all the intelligence this world has to offer without investing in a single minute of studying, the rest of us have to work for this shit.” I force the joke, making Astraea chuckle.
“Right! I’ve never heard of Spider reading a book!”
“God has favorites! And that idiot is one.” I roll my eyes but clench my fists tightly.
“I bet Marie was so proud of you, after trying three times, you finally passed!”
I fight hard not to react to those words. The truth is, since a week ago when the results “came out”, I’ve been having a hard time looking at Grammy.
Her joy, the way her eyes sparkled, the relief and pride she had for me… it was all too much.
“My baby is going to be a doctor. God, if only your grandfather was still here to see this day, he’d be so proud of you!”
Those words alone sent me to bed crying and I had a full-blown panic attack that night.
I haven’t slept since then.
Whenever I close my eyes, I see Gramps’s disappointed face and I can’t help but toss and turn as my entire being quakes with shame.
The accursed Medical College Admissions Test is God’s way of proving some dreams to be overambitious, and I saw that for myself three times in a row.
And each time, the disappointment from Grammy and my brother, as well as the pity from my friends, all made me feel sick to my core.
I couldn’t take it anymore… which is why I?—
“Ivy!”
“Huh?”
“I lost you again,” Astraea says slowly. “What’s going on with you? You’ve been out of it all night.”
I try to laugh it off but the truth is, I can’t even act.
I’m on the edge of blurting out the truth at any second but doing so would undo the even more elaborate fabric of deception I’ve spun.
“I’m fine…it’s just I’m so exhausted.”
“Oh?”
“I’ve barely recovered from all that smoke I suffered from my finals. Let’s not even mention all the hours I’ve put in volunteering and being nice to my freaking professors and advisors just so they can write me a pretty recommendation letter!” I huff, this time it’s not dramatic at all. The stress I’ve been under in these last four years has been way too much. “I’ve put in major hours on all my AP classes in both high school and college, but I still feel like I know nothing! The past four years of college have all blown smoke in my ass and now all I can think is how much I might just fucking fail.”
It's all true. None of it is exaggerated. It’s just that I did all that, and still failed.
Another strike to my heart…
“Whoa, whoa, slow down, babe,” Astraea says. “Don’t you think you’ve been putting a lot of pressure on yourself?”
Her voice is gentle, soft even, but to me it sounds like she’s telling me I’m overreacting.
“Astraea, you know me. I’m lazy to my core. If I don’t apply the pressure, I’ll regret not having achieved this one dream I’ve had.” Which so happens to be the only thing in my life I have control over. “I just feel like I’ve put in a ton of work already, but since effort doesn’t actually equal intelligence, it’s all pointless to be laid-back. The esteemed renowned Doctor Christina Yang proved that.”
“Dr. Christina Yang was a truly gifted surgeon, but she was also fictional, Ivy!”
“How dare you!” I gasp dramatically. “Fictional or not, Meredith Grey and Christina Yang are probably the sole reason why thousands of girls across the world have their heads stuck in medical journals right this instant. I should be too, but instead you dragged me to your house on a school night for socializing!”
She throws her head back and laughs.
“You’re not allowed to laugh!” I pout. “I need to get in! But at this rate, I’m surprised they didn’t ask me to deliver my fucking organs on a silver platter before it was enough to be accepted for med school.”
I try to hold back, but I can hear the pain in my own voice.
“And let’s not forget, some of this exhaustion is all your fault!” I glare at her.
“My fault?”
“Yes! You dragged me around town these past three weeks while I’ve been trying to get things ready and you didn’t even give me a break!”
“Hey, you volunteered!”
“I thought I was helping you set up my party! How the hell was I supposed to know that I was volunteering to be a guinea pig for someone else’s wedding?”
To that, Astraea throws her head back and laughs because it’s true.
Up until yesterday, I’ve been the training mannequin for dresses, and even the bride’s wedding gown! “Don’t even get me started with all that taffy yellow dresses. And the way those ladies were fussing around me, adjusting and pricking me with pins.”
At this, Astraea laughs even harder. “OMG, I remember that yellow dress! You looked like the sewing machine barfed all over you!”
“Oh gee… I’m glad your mind has a memory that will tickle you to the end of your days!”
The little shit even took a video and sent it to everyone.
“I’m pretty sure Noah posted it on his TikTok with the caption, Dr. Fabric!” Astraea says, with literal tears in her eyes.
“That jerk,” I grumble.
“Okay, deep breaths,” Astraea smiles. “If you feel it’s too much, then there’s no need to hold?—”
“Raea, I love you, I really do, but don’t start shrinking me right now.”
I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown induced by not just my academic stress but also the impending shit I’m about to do, so I don’t need to be told that I’m on one…
“Is that why you’re reading that poem?” she asks softly.
I look down at the iPad in my hands.
Fuck, she saw it! I thought I was being very discreet, but sure enough…
“If you’re trying to get your mind off things, that shit should do it just fine because damn, that poem is both lethal and so damn sad at the same time.” She eyes me carefully. “I can’t handle it myself.”
“Why? Do you feel attacked?” I ask with a chuckle.
There’s no way Astraea would feel attacked by this poem, not now anyway, she’s freaking happy and at peace.
But judging from the look she’s giving me, I know she knows I’m the one who’s under attack.
And I know exactly who she’s thinking of now.
“Why are you reading that anyway? Are you…”
“Eh, stop!” I raise my hand to her. “Don’t even try to go there. I chose English lit for this last semester to supplement my GPA, and I happened to come across this poem then, so I was just… re-reading.”
“Your classes are done, Ivy.”
“I was swiping through and came across it, so I was reading it again,” I repeat.
“Because you resonate with it?”
“No…” I scoff. “Because I’m exhausted and ready to get this done, so I can sleep for the next few days! Where is she?”
“Don’t change the topic, miss! You picked a Warsan Shire poem for your last class!” she states knowingly.
“Why the fuck not?” Kimberly, my equally neurotic, unhinged, beautiful, badass friend who so happens to be the reason why I’ve been dragged through this bridal hell for weeks, demands as she comes barreling into the room like a hurricane, holding baby King at arm’s length with a frown on her face. “Isn’t she the genius behind the poetry in the Lemonade album?”
“She very much is!” I quickly grab onto the lifeline Kimberly just cast my way. “If Beyoncé approves, who are we to stand in the way?”
“Damn straight!” she says as she makes a beeline for me and drops the chubby, incredibly adorable fifteen-month-old in my arms, right on top of my iPad. “Your turn!”
“My turn…?” That’s when the smell hits me. “Holy shit, what did you feed him?”
“He soiled his diaper again? This is the third time in a few hours,” Astraea says with an indulgent smile as she looks at her son.
Her son.
It’s crazy how life just flips for the better sometimes.
I stare down at the baby in my arms and before I know it, a warm feeling bursts in my heart.
Baby King is just as handsome, majestic, and commanding as his father, but he’s freaking beautiful, sweet, and quietly charming, just like his mother.
At a glance you can tell he was blessed with the very best parts of both his parents.
Captivating sharp blue eyes that will make your heart melt, cute dark curls atop his head, a slightly chubby, beautiful face that I’m sure was molded by God Himself, and that baby scent—which is right now covered by another stink bomb, but you get it—he’s the cutest, most beautiful, and incredibly calm but bossy baby in the world.
He blinks up at me, watching me carefully, as if judging me.
“Dude, does he ever cry?” I frown, watching him.
Astraea laughs. “That’s because you’re here!”
“Wait, what?”
“He never cries when you’re here, Ivy. Why else do you think I’m always relieved when you come over?” She shrugs. “I don’t know what it is about you, but he’s so freaking calm with you.”
I look up at the new mom.
If I didn’t personally experience it in the delivery room with Alex King that hellish day, I’d swear this beautiful woman with her shiny, wavy hair, bright brown eyes, and a permanent smile on her face never gave birth.
Instead, she looks like she just got back from the captivating beaches of Barbados, where she was eating fresh fruits and seafood, with her hair blowing in the fresh breeze.
To top all that off, I’ve never seen her this happy and at ease all my life.
I hate to admit it, but her happiness makes me uncomfortable at times. Hell, anyone’s happiness, really—because I fake mine.
“And here I thought you missed me,” I fake a frown. “At least my baby boy will miss me when I’m gone.”
I pick up Knight Aiden King as delicately as I can, then proceed to lather his round, rosy cheeks with kisses, to which I’m granted an almost-there smile.
“Dude, you’re just like your father!” I coo, laughing at the half smile Knight gives me.
“Right!” Kim exclaims as she plops down on the couch next to me with a heavy sigh. “Like that dude can go a whole day looking like the whole world is imposing on his personal space.”
Astraea throws her head back and laughs. “You’re so right! I caught them the other day having a silent staring match.”
That laugh is rich, at ease, and so extremely happy, I can’t help but smile.
She laughs naturally now. Healing looks good on her, and on Kimberly as well.
Kimberly chuckles. “Are you sure it wasn’t a contest to the death? I wonder how it’ll be when Knight is a teenager. They’re already fighting over you now, so imagine later.”
“Let’s put money on it!” I quickly jump in. “I say King will throw Knight out the house when he hits sixteen!”’
“Nope! Knight will emancipate himself by fifteen.”
“I like those odds. Bet!”
“Bet, bitch!”
Kim and I nod at each other, then we turn in unison to look at Astraea who has her mouth hanging open.
“Since when did the two of you get into betting?”
“We’re gambling women, Mama,” Kimberly says. “Besides, Ivy and Noah play poker every now and then.”
“What? Without me?”
“Don’t give us that! We’ve invited you several times, but you always blow us off. I bet it’s because King will have you stretched out in a hundred different positions when you put Knight down.”
Astraea’s face flashes like a fire engine truck.
“Dude, you just had a baby and you’re blushing more now than you ever did!” Kim points and laughs. “Hey, Siri, play “Rich Sex” by Nicki Minaj on Spotify!”
Astraea’s face flushes even more, she looks like she might pass out. Gotta save the poor girl.
“You’re one to talk.” I nudge Kim. “Did you take that test yet?”
She whips her head around and stares at me with her eyes almost bulging out.
“What? How did you…Ivy!”
“Don’t Ivy me! Did you take it or not? I’ve pretty much left a ton of them around your mansion two days ago!”
“Oh, Jesus, that was your doing!” Kim exclaims in shock. “I found one in the laundry hamper, another in the coffee cabinet, and another in my office! That was you?”
“Hmm, about that, you really should stop drinking coffee now. If you experience withdrawals, see a specialist.” I wink.
“IVY!”
“Wait, what test?” Raea questions.
“It’s nothing…” Kim murmurs. I roll my eyes.
“ Right , and that elephant-sized appetite you ‘suddenly’ developed is nothing. It’s all fiction!”
“You…” Kim points at me, but I ignore her.
“What’s that, Knight? Auntie Kimmie is swimming in de-Nile? Yeah, she tends to do that a lot. You’ll find out later that the adults around you are not much good, poor thing.”
“Ivy, you?—”
Before Kim can swat my arm with her newly elevated Wonder Woman strength, I quickly get up with Knight and make a beeline to one of his many changing rooms.
We’ve done this so many times before, Knight and I, so after I’m done cleaning him up, I pick out a new outfit for him then go back to the girls.
“What? No fair!” Kim immediately accuses. “When did you get that?”
I hold up Knight for both of them to see, mimicking that one scene from the Lion King , proudly displaying the words in—curvy rich font—on Knight’s new outfit.
Auntie Ivy’s Handsome Knight
“Oh this? I got it made two weeks ago. It just got delivered.”
“You play dirty, bitch!” Kim accuses, but I just stick my tongue out at her.
“Oh, don’t worry, Kimmy, I left a standing order for the nearest future.” I smile happily.
Her face heats up. “Can you shut up? We don’t know anything yet!”
Anyone listening would think Kimberly is mad, but Astraea and I both know better. She’s excited, secretly nervous, and a bit scared.
I glance at Astraea. She gets it and immediately changes the topic.
“Isn’t that a custom Dior fit?” Astraea asks, shaking her head. “Didn’t you say you’re saving up for med school?”
Ahh crap. Now that my damn brother has blocked all the cards he funds, I’m now penniless. But I can’t reveal my strife to my friends. I don’t need that extra pity.
“Why shouldn’t I spoil my Knight?” I coo at the baby in my arms. He smiles, waving his little chubby arms at me. I hug him to me and take a huge whiff of his dreamy baby scent. “God, I’ll miss this.”
“Do you have to go?” Kim asks for the ten thousandth time. I sigh.
“Kimberly, we’ve talked about this already.”
“Yeah, but talking about it and accepting it are two different things.”
What a coincidence. I was just thinking of something similar earlier.
I grab Knight’s bottle, then settle down to feed him.
“You didn’t put up that much of a fight when Astraea left years ago,” I point out.
“Uh, stop deflecting!” Kim snorts, rolling her eyes.
“I’m not.”
“Kim’s right, you are deflecting,” Astraea chimes in, folding her arms as she does. “And besides, I had just gone through heavily traumatic events at that time.”
“Have I told you that I like your new boobs?” I quickly latch on to a change of topic.
“Are you checking me out?”
“Why not? I haven’t discovered myself yet.” I wink.
“Is that why you chose New York City?” she counters. “To discover yourself?”
I almost drop Knight when my fingers grow weak.
Astraea is too observant for her own good. And she’s dangerously close to the truth, but I can’t let her see that by denying it.
“Is that so bad?” I murmur. “I need to find me. The me outside of Westbrook Blues.”
As in, the me who isn’t pathetically tied to people’s memories that link me to just one thing.
A pining girl in a sad, depressive, unrequited love triangle with two of her friends.
“There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s about time,” Kim says softly. “But why New York? You’ve never liked it before.”
“Where else can one invent themselves if not in one of the most ridiculously expensive cities in the world?” I smile at Knight.
“Uh-huh,” Kim hums, not believing me one bit. “Doesn’t that bozo you met online live there?”
“Wait, don’t tell me you’re going to meet up with that guy!” Astraea questions seriously now.
“Well… we may or may not have talked about meeting, yes.”
“Dude, you met online!”
“Yes, and many amazing relationships start online,” I counter.
“Yes, but most of those are from dating apps. You met this guy, where? 'Cause I sure as hell know it wasn’t a dating platform!”
Urgh! Coming here tonight was the worst decision I’ve made recently. I’m on the chopping block!
“They met playing some silly game,” Kimberly chimes in between munching on a bowl of fruit she produced out of nowhere.
“Playing a game! Have you seen his face? Like, his true, real face? Not some doctored AI thing,” Astraea demands, concern flashing in her eyes.
“They refused to reveal each other’s identities,” Kim mumbles.
“Oh great! Like that isn’t a red flag!” Astraea blows a breath, planting her hands on her hips.
I sigh. “We’ve already been over this,” I start. “He’s just a friend?—”
“A friend that texts her from the moment she wakes up to the moment she pretends to sleep,” Kim says. I ignore her.
“He’s just a friend that lives in Manhattan who is willing to show me around the city. In fact, he’s helped me find an incredibly affordable place that I can pay for myself without my brother’s help.”
“Wow, he helped you get an affordable place. What a saint,” Kim grumbles sarcastically.
I know why they are both like this.
Safety is everything.
Trust is a hard, precious thing for my friends.
They never let their guard down for anyone except each other and now that I’m talking to a guy they know nothing about, they have questions.
“But seriously, he found you an apartment?” Astraea exclaims, then she looks at me with a bewildered expression. “You barely know this jerk!”
“What—” I start, but Kim cuts me off.
“I don’t know, Raea,” Kim muses while watching me with teasing eyes. “Maybe some random NYC dick might help with all that academic stress and tension she’s been on lately.”
“Yeah, but if she’s moving all the way across the country for some random dick then she needs an intervention.”
“What kind of intervention? She needs to get choked, sucked, and fucked. Stat!” Kim cheers with a Cheshire grin on her face.
I almost choke on nothing but the freaking air I’m inhaling.
“Excuse me?—”
“She does, but there’s dick closer to home!” Astraea points out.
“Err, spoiled, country club dick isn’t for Ivy.”
“Huh? What’s wrong with country club dick? The boys have a country club membership!”
“Be for real, Astraea. The boys own the club. They never go there.”
“Ah yes, that’s true.”
“Can you two stop!” I croak in a high-pitched feverish tone. “I’m not about to become an episode on Forensic Files ! And I’m not flying across the country because of some guy! Why would anyone want their life dictated by a man?”
Both of them stare at me silently.
Maybe it’s because I just blew up, but I know it’s mostly because, well, I’m now slandering the very life I’ve been living for years.
Waiting for a man to notice that I exist…
I take a deep, calming breath. “All I’m saying is, I have a future to pursue, so I’m leaving because this is something I’ve always wanted to do.”
Actually, that’s not a lie, but it’s not the full truth either.
“But this is your home,” Astraea says gently.
“Yeah…”
I always thought I’d stay here.
Find love here.
Be loved here.
Be someone’s first choice here.
Be cherished here.
But none of those fantasies ever happened, no matter how many times I whispered a prayer at night or wished on shooting stars.
I was, and have always been, invisible.
This town, it’s brought nothing but a ridge-like ache in my soul and I need to expel it before my soul looks like the Grand Canyon.
What better way of doing that, and finding the biggest missing pieces of my life, than by going away?
“Listen, I love you both and I know you care, so I’ll always check in with y’all every single day. I’ll keep my Geo Tracker on at all times and I’ll make sure to get as much info as I can on Jackson, then I’ll let Mr. King and Mr. Montreal do their thing.”
At those words, both of them seem to relax just a bit.
“Yeah, you better!” Astraea demands. “But the one who’s good at digging into a person’s entire life, including five generations back, is Emmett. Will you send him the details too?”
A phantom ache blooms in my chest when I hear his name.
All throughout the past two years, Emmett’s name has been mentioned in cautious, hesitant, but creative ways.
Sometimes I think they mention him in my presence just to gauge where I am with my heartbreak, but as I remain cooing and laughing at Knight in my arms, I act as if I didn’t even hear what Astraea just said.
“Well, who cares?” Kim waves her hand as if shooing the topic away “My wedding is in hundred days! So I demand happiness here and nothing else!”
Yes, the reason I’ve been dragged all over for fittings, tastings, meetings with event planners is this… Noah and Kim are getting married in a few weeks.
“I’m so excited for you! You’re getting married!” I squeal, which bothers Knight because he narrows his eyes at me.
“Right! Me. Getting married. I never thought I’d ever survive long enough to see my eighteenth birthday, so imagine me at twenty-seven, getting married to the one who awakened love in me through his love for me.”
“Awwww,” Astraea and I coo at the same time.
“She’s now poetic!”
“Yes, but she still cusses like a sailor and would slice up a bitch if needed.” Astraea side eyes her and we all laugh.
“Hey, what about Marie?” Astraea suddenly asks. “With you leaving, it must be hard for her.”
Another ache blooms in my heart whenever I think of my grandmother.
This has happened before. I’ve left her before, but back then we had no choice…
Now, I’m just…well, everything I’m about to do now is for her.
“She’s not happy, of course, but she said she’ll support any decision I make.”
Actually, her direct words were more dizzying than that.
She looked at me deeply and said, “Well, now you’re finally spreading your wings to fly instead of staying in a place that has made you a prisoner, shackling your wings.”
Did she always know that I’ve always felt like I’m in a prison?
Sometimes I’m pretty sure she’s been aware of how much I’ve been suffocating in this town even though I’ve never said a word.
Kim opens her mouth to say something, but Astraea beats her to it. “Well, just like Marie, the rest of us are going to support you as well.”
“I didn’t say I’m not supporting her,” Kim huffs. “I’m saying this move seems so abrupt to me.” My heart jumps at those words. “I hope everything is all right, Ivy.”
I look away from them both, trying to calm my heart and mind. I can’t afford to blow my cover now. If they find out, then no doubt my brother and grandmother will too, then I won’t get the chance to meet them .
“Yes, of course everything is all right. I just… I need to do this.”
Silence falls between us.
“Well, maybe this time you’ll actually lose your freaking virginity and roll around in someone’s steamy sheets!” Astraea says and I can’t help but smile.
“You know what, I’m looking forward to that!” I pick up Knight and burp him gently.
Kim snorts. “Didn’t you say you still haven’t opened that toy you bought over a million years ago?”
I shoot her a look. “Why are you all up in my vagina business lately? I’ll get to it when I can.”
“Or maybe you don’t know how to use it,” she counters. “Do you want an instructional guide? Or maybe you’d like it as a video demonstration? I’m pretty sure Noah can help me?—”
“Ah la la la la la,” I singsong, glaring at my naughty friend who has no qualms discussing raunchy smut talk. “Baby here! And the walls have ears!”
We all glance towards the hallway of Astraea and King’s mansion. There’s nothing but silence, so we burst out laughing.