Chapter Twenty-Two Callum
The days after my wedding reception turned into weeks, and before I knew it, Caterina and I were celebrating our one month anniversary. Of course, you wouldn’t know I was marriedconsidering I was sporting daily blue balls and hadn’t jerked off as much before bed since I was fifteen. Somehow marrying a nun had bestowed a vow of chastity on me. I wanted to be patient with Caterina, but if my celibacy stretched on much longer, I was going to snap.
Thankfully, I was keeping busy with the upcoming opening of the Kavanaugh’s first Boston owned club, Bandia, which meant goddess in Irish. Currently, I found myself in my office buried under a mound of last minute paperwork. We had a soft opening in a week, but from the looks of all the multicolored papers to sign off on, you would think it wasn’t for another month.
Just as I was about to text Caterina that I would be late for dinner, Dare burst through my office door. “This better be important,” I growled.
“The alarm for the 15th Street warehouse just went off. I tried calling Sean, but he’s not answering.”
“Fuck,” I muttered as I sprang out of my chair.
As we started for the elevator, Dare asked, “Do you think this is retribution from Alessio?”
After punching the down button, I jerked a hand through my hair. The elevator doors opened up, and we got on. “It makes the most sense. It’s been quiet on all the other fronts since word of our marriage came out.”
Just like Seamus had foreseen, the alliance of the Neretti’s and Kavanaugh’s had been a success. Even with the violent animosity from Alessio, it was well-received. Several families we’d lost after my father’s murder had reached out as well as a lessening of our threat from the Bratva.
Once we made our way through the lobby, an SUV sat out front waiting for us. During the drive, I tried calling Sean again as well as some of the other soldiers who had been patrolling the warehouse. With a frown, I turned to Dare. “Nothing.”
“Fuck.”
When we finally arrived, the warehouse was engulfed in flames despite the hard work of multiple fire crews on the scene. After exiting the car, Dare and I made our way toward the front of the warehouse where Quinn stood talking to Frank O’Dell, the Fire Marshall.
With a grim face, Frank extended his hand. “As soon as I heard it was one of yours, I came right down.”
“I appreciate that, Frank.”
Gazing up at the roaring blaze, I shook my head. “Have you found anything?”
He nodded. “I had my men take the device away as soon as possible before the cops could get a hold of it. I’ll have my best guys on it.”
“Thank you.” Everyone in the city could be bought, and Frank was one of them. Of course, it made good financial sense to have members of the fire department in your pocket, especially when situations like these flared up.
At that moment, two firefighters came around the side of the building carrying a black body bag. My heart sank into my stomach. “Fuck,” I muttered under my breath.
Dare shook his head grimly. “I guess that’s why we couldn’t get Sean on the phone.”
“Are we sure it’s him?” Quinn asked.
When the taller fireman held out a wedding band, I took it. As I turned the silver piece in my hand, the names engraved in the inside caught the light. Sean 3 Bridget.
“It’s him,” I choked out. After shoving the band in my pocket, I asked, “Were there any more potential casualties?”
“Sean was on guard until midnight,” Quinn replied.
“But I couldn’t get in touch with Neil or Philip,” I said.
“I imagine they were asleep since Neil had duty on the 19th street warehouse last night, and Philip was on here.”
I nodded. When I realized what lay before me, my chest clenched. The worst part of losing anyone from a soldier on up to an officer was having to report their death to the family. In this case, I had to go to a young wife and tell her that her husband was never coming back home. “I have to go to Bridget’s,” I pronounced.
Quinn’s expression saddened. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“No. I’ll handle it. You guys stay here and find out all you can.”
With dread filling me, I started for the car. Caterina’s face flashed before mine as I climbed into the SUV. I wondered what her reaction would be if it was one of my brothers coming to tell her I’d been lost in the field. Would she be sad? Would she feel relief? Would she shed a tear for me?
Considering Sean and Bridget had been together since they were teenagers, I knew I couldn’t make comparisons between us. They’d been married for five years and had a three-year-old-son. They’d built a life together where Caterina and I were merely starting.
After making the trip across town, we pulled up outside of Sean’s house. I’d called her parents to meet me there. I knew she would need support from her family when I told her the news. As I started up the walk, the front door flung open, and Bridget ran out onto the porch.
I stopped at the bottom step and glanced up at her. That was all it took. Just one look from me and she started to scream.
Telling Bridget was worse than any emotional hell I’d predicted. After staying as long as what would’ve been considered respectful, I broke away from the trauma. I thought if I stayed one more minute inside that house with the wailing women and traumatized men I would lose my mind.
I desperately wanted away from all that grief and sadness. I wanted the safety of home, but more than anything, I wanted Caterina.
As I trudged through the doorway, Owen met me in the hall. At the sight of my face, he grimaced. “I’m so sorry, boss. Sean was a hell of a guy.”
“That he was, Owen,” I replied as I made my way over to the liquor cabinet. After pouring myself a full tumbler of whiskey, I turned around to find Caterina curled up on the couch.
I glanced at Owen with a questioning look. He sighed. “She didn’t want to go to bed until you came home. I thought it was best that you told her what happened.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
“If you’re good, I’ll head out.”
“Good night, Owen.”
“Good night, boss.”
Once I heard the elevator doors close on Owen, my hand reached out to touch Caterina. My fingers slid through the silky strands of her hair before I brushed my knuckles against her jaw. Despite my touch, she didn’t stir.
With a sigh, I eased down in one of the chairs in front of the window. For a while I just sat there,staring into the night. Even after draining my whiskey, I remained looking out the window in a grief-induced fog. It was only Caterina’s voice that startled me out of my stupor.
“Hey,” she whispered drowsily.
“Hey, Kitten.”
“Are you hungry? I had Lorna leave you a plate in the warmer.”
The only thing that could possibly be a ray of sunshine on this dark day was my beautiful wife with her caring heart. “Thank you, but I’m not hungry.” I motioned upstairs with my glass. “You should get to bed.”
With a sheepish look, she said, “When you didn’t come home, I thought I’d wait for you. I guess I was sleepier than I thought.”
“It’s all right, Kitten.”
After surveying my face, her dark brows furrowed. “What’s wrong?”
“I lost one of my best men tonight.”
“Oh, Callum, I’m so sorry.” Caterina rose off the couch and then knelt beside my chair. She took my free hand in hers and squeezed it. Instead of being irritated by her nearness, her presence somehow soothed me. The cries of anguish playing on repeat in my mind quieted.
“What happened?” she asked.
Normally, I remained tight-lipped about my business around Caterina. But there was something about the empathy that shone in her eyes that made me want to open up to her. “There was an attack on one of our warehouses, and Sean was in charge of protecting it.”
“Tell me about him,” she urged.
A part of me wanted her to leave me alone. To stop trying to get me to open up. But then there was another part that wanted to unburden myself. “Sean had been with the family since Belfast. I danced with his wife at their wedding, and they asked me to be the godfather to their son.” I tossed back the whiskey that remained in my glass. “Tonight I had to stare into the eyes of my godson and tell him his Da was never coming home again.”
When I dared to look into Caterina’s eyes, tears pooled in them. Without a word, she slid her free arm around my shoulder, drawing me against her. Although every fiber of my being fought against taking any comfort, my grief outweighed my reason. When I pulled her up from the floor and onto my lap, I’m sure my father was cackling in hell at the weakness in me.
Pinching my eyes shut, I nestled my head into Caterina’s neck. My nose pressed against her soft skin, inhaling her sweet smell. All the while, she ran wide circles across my back with her hand.
“Talk to me, Callum,” she whispered into the heavy silence around us. When I peered up at her, she brought her hand to my cheek. “Tell me what it is you can’t bring yourself to say.”
At that moment, there was no one in the world, not my brothers or even my mam, who I would’ve bore my soul to but Caterina. “I can’t get the sound of their cries out of my head,” I croaked.
“I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how horrible that was for them…and for you.”
“My business took a husband away from his wife and a father away from his son.”
Caterina paused in rubbing my face. “Sean knew the risks of the job. You didn’t force him to do anything.”
“His blood is still on my hands,” I argued.
She shook her head. “You didn’t pull the trigger.”
“Every order I give is pulling a trigger in one way or the other.”
“I wish I could give you an absolution. Anything to take the pain away.”
“Aye, I wish you could, too.”
To my surprise, Caterina pulled away from me and rose to her feet. She held her hand out. “Come.”
Instead of protesting, I eased out of the chair and placed my hand in hers. Defeated, I let her guide me down the long hallway to our bedroom. Once we were inside, Caterina pulled me over to her nightstand. At the sight of the flickering candles, I eyed her warily.
Caterina took a long match and handed it to me. After making the sign of the cross, she sank to her knees. When I remained frozen, staring at the candles, she glanced up at me. “Light a candle for Sean and say a prayer.”
“I don’t know if I believe in all that anymore.”
“Then just sit with me while I do it.”
As my mind battled against it, my heart won out, and I sank down beside her. Caterina closed her eyes and began murmuring the Prayer for the Dead. The same one Kellan insisted on reciting each and every time we took someone out.
While she spoke, I leaned forward and lit another candle. Images of Sean filled my mind as I made the sign of the cross and then bowed my head. When she finished, I said, “Ar dheis De’ go raibh a anam.”
“What does that mean?” Caterina questioned softly.
I cleared my throat. “May his soul be on God’s right hand.”
“That’s beautiful.”
“If anyone deserves heaven, it’s Sean,” I replied as I rose to my feet.
After rising up, Caterina asked, “Is there anything else I can do?”
The deviant part of me wanted to tell her to strip off her clothes, so I could fuck the grief out of my system. But I could never do that. Even though my beautiful virgin’s earnest expression told me she was willing to do anything to take the pain away. Maybe even let me take her.
“Let me hold you.”
Her eyes flared at my response. “Okay,” she replied in a whisper.
Before I could start removing my shirt, her fingers came to my cuff. When I furrowed my brows at her, she replied, “Just let me take care of you.”
She then unbuttoned the silver cufflink before moving on to remove the other hand. In silence, I watched as she slid the cufflinks into the pocket of her silky robe. After bringing her hands to my neck, she slowly began unbuttoning my shirt. With each button she undid, I found my chest rising and falling faster and faster. My heart threatened to beat out of my chest at just her simple touch.
But it was so much more than that. It was the tremble of her fingers. The pink colour of her cheeks. Her rapid pulse beating in her neck. The way she nibbled nervously on her full bottom lip. The way her breasts strained against her nightgown.
Once she reached my waist, she pulled my shirt out of my pants. Leaning up on her tiptoes, she eased it off of my arms and let it drop to the floor. Her gaze dipped slowly down my chest. At her sharp intake of breath, I willed my cock not to rear its head. This wasn’t supposed to be about fucking. It was supposed to be about letting my wife care for my emotional needs.
When her trembling fingers rested on my belt buckle, I took her hands in mine. “I can take it from here, Kitten.” Jerking my chin at the bed, I said, “Go ahead and lie down.”
After I’d stripped down to my briefs, I pulled the covers back and got inside the bed. With her eyes locked on mine, Caterina slid through the sheets until her body reached mine. I held my arm up to let her burrow against my side. When she laid her head on my chest, the tension coiling through my body evaporated.
After lying for a few moments in silence, Caterina propped her chin on my chest to peer up at me. “When did you get your first tattoo?”
“I was fifteen.”
“That’s awfully young.”
“It’s when I killed my first man.”
Caterina tensed. “You were just a baby.”
A chuckle reverberated through my chest. “I’d hardly consider myself a baby. I was a man since I’d already fucked for the first time by then.”
“Sex doesn’t make you a man or woman,” she huffed.
“It does in my world.”
“Do you even remember the woman?” Caterina asked softly.
“Of course, I do.”
“Were you in love with her?”
“Aye, with her tits and arse.”
Caterina rolled her eyes before pinching my side. “I was being serious.”
“So was I,” I countered with a grin.
Wrinkling her nose at me, she pronounced, “You’re disgusting.”
“I know, love.”
“Have you ever cared about a woman beyond the physical side of her?”
Although I hated myself for it, I echoed my father’s words when I replied, “Loving a woman is a weakness.”
Caterina stared at me in horror. “You don’t honestly believe that, do you?” she challenged me.
I lifted one of my shoulders in a shrug. “I haven’t been proven otherwise yet.”
“But you love your mother and your sister.”
“Aye. But that’s not the same as loving a woman.”
“You’ve really never been in love?”
“No, Kitten. I haven’t.”
Her brows furrowed as her fingertip traced one of the tattoos on my chest. “But why does love have to be a weakness?”
“Because love fucks with your head. In my line of work, a fucked up head means people die. A person could even sign his own death warrant from being distracted.”
Her finger paused its tracing as she shot me a pointed look. “If you’ve never been in love, how do you know it messes with your head?”
“Because I’ve seen it happen to other people.”
“Maybe you’ve just seen it in the wrong people,” she murmured.
“And you’re the love expert?” I argued.
Caterina scowled. “You know I’ve never been in love.”
“It sounds like neither one of us can really speak on it.”
“Unlike you, I don’t believe love could ever be a weakness.”
As I stared into the intensity of her gaze, I saw what she wasn’t saying. Caterina believed, despite the burning red flags surrounding me, that she could come to love me. But more than that, she thought I could come to love her. While I wanted to tell her it would never happen, I kept my mouth shut. Maybe there was a small part of me that wanted to believe in miracles. If anyone could deliver one, it was Caterina.
“We should get some sleep.”
Although it looked like she wanted to say more, Caterina nodded. After she laid her head back down on my chest, I tangled my fingers through the long dark strands of her hair. When her breathing became slow and deep, I kissed the top of her head.
“Maybe you’ll make me a believer, Kitten,” I whispered into the dark.