5. Ivy
Ivy
That was insane!
I wasn’t planning any of that. Not toying with Emmett or pushing his buttons, driving him up the wall, and then completely falling apart by punching his chest in a blind rage.
But more than that, I wasn’t planning on what happened after.
A baby?
The look of utter horror on his face the moment I said that made my stomach drop.
That look will haunt me for the rest of my life. The utter disgust I saw, all at the thought of creating a life with me… it was so stark in his eyes.
My heartbreak only grew worse.
But I had already tossed it out there. No way I was going to back out now.
I know I could’ve asked for an infinite number of other things, but in that moment of raw honesty and intimacy with Emmett, that just came out of me.
Almost immediately, I could envision a green-eyed chubby, gorgeous baby with curly black hair so clearly, my heartstrings tugged tightly.
Then I made the mistake of looking at the potential sperm donor and my rage ignited like no other.
He looked different … at least from his usual composed self.
Emmett is never riled up.Noah calls him an iceberg for a reason.
He’s almost always very calm, infinitely impassive to the point of stoicism.
But most of all, he’s never bothered with explaining himself to someone as meager as me before.
Well, I’m not backing out of this!
It’s not like I’m asking him to raise the child with me. As a matter of fact, I want nothing to do with him from now on.
It’s just, there are some desires I’ve always had that I can’t easily part with. One of them was having a family of my own with the man I was in love with.
“Idiot,” I mutter to myself.
The danger of wearing a mask is believing the mask.
And Emmett wears one so well, the world not only believes his refined tranquility and sophisticated, unbothered nature, they adore him for it!
But the truth is, he’s much more vicious than he lets on.
He’s cold-blooded, with a dark side I peeked at today… and responded to in ways I never thought possible.
He told me he doesn’t feel anything for me, but then turns around and claims me as his and dares me to try and go against him? What was that?
Then there’s the way he looked at me when he said I had hurt him by breaking his trust…
God, why the hell did that do me in, like a sledgehammer to the chest?
I couldn’t breathe when I saw the look on his face.
“Urgh!”
This is how I first fell into this sea of unrequited love in the first place, with no hope of being saved.
I latched onto him with everything in me simply because he never once let go of my hand.
He already knew I was suicidal that night we met, but he was also aware of something else I wasn’t.
I didn’t have the courage to go through with it.
A little girl, aware that she’s a burden to her brother and grandmother, responsible for the death of her grandfather, sick, slow, unintelligent, riddled with nightmares, abandoned and easily forgettable.
Is it any wonder that I padlocked myself to the first person to ever indulge me the way he did?
When a surprise moment of death actually came via some dangerous men, he took my hand and jumped off that cliff with me.
I fell with him, literally.
But figuratively, I fell for him… alone.
I mean, he never once said he likes me, let alone that he loves me.
It’s just that over the years, there’ve been more than a handful inexplicable moments we’ve shared… and things he has done for me and to me that…
My heart leaps in my chest at the thought of what happened in his office.
I quickly rush back to the master bedroom. I find it spotless and clean from the horror scene it was a while ago.
The bed is made and Jackson’s mutilated bloody body is nowhere in sight.
Now, not only is it sterile, there’s a pleasant scent wafting in the air. It’s as if nothing happened in here.
Shaking my head at Emmett’s quick movements, I quickly rush into the bathroom and find the floor-length mirror to check my backside.
Tentatively, I touch it and hiss in pain.
It’s still sore, but why, oh why, did I respond like that to that man?
How did he know to do that?
I was on the verge of having a panic attack, but he snatched me out of it by delivering an unexpected…
“Am I a masochist?” I whisper to myself in shock.
Well, if you’re going to hold on to unrequited love for as long as I have then it tracks, to be honest.
“Seriously, what was that?” I mutter to myself.
Feeling majorly unsettled, I grab my phone and go straight to the group chat.
Wake your lazy asses up! I have a question!!
Kim: Did you wake up on the floor?
Raea: We’ve been up for hours! What’s up?
Sorrrrry… I’m just so frustrated…
Kim: Ahh, how is dearest fluffy Emmett?
WHY ARE YOU ASKING ABOUT HIM????
Raea: Because he’s the only one that works up your nerve like this, duh!
Kim: True! She displays the full spectrum of human emotions when it comes to him.
Raea: Exactly! To the rest of us it’s smiles, some empathy and kindness. But when it comes to him, you give him EVERY EMOTION, amplified to a million degrees.
What? Do I do that?
Kim: Right! It’s sooo cute! She’s safe to be herself when she’s with him.
ARE YOU DONE??? HOW DO BOTH OF YOU TYPE SO FAST???
Kim: Ooop, she’s screaming now. Something big must’ve happened.
You heifers!!!
Raea: We’re listening. What happened?
I mean… is it normal to completely lose your mind when someone…
Kim: What? Kisses you? Goes down on you? Because… yes.
My cheeks are warm, and through the mirror, I can see that my own irises are slightly dilated.
Raea: Ivy, what happened?
NOTHING!
Kim: Suuuureee! You can barely breathe right now!
Oh Lord, she’s right! But I can’t admit it! She’ll only make fun of me even more.
I’m breathing just fine, thank you very much, Kim Possible!
What I want to know is, does Emmett have some kind of mental disorder or is he just a mean, cold, ruthless jerk with no regard to basic human decency? Is that asshole bipolar?
King: Yes.
I jump, almost dropping my phone into the sink.
Which chat is this?
My eyes grow wider than UFO saucers.
I started a chat in the group with EVERYONE! The ire of my anger included.
Noah: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Curse him out, Dr. Ivy! Hahahaha!
King: We can always help you bury his big-ass body somewhere. Just give us a signal.
Emmett: If you have something else to say—or do—come say it to my face after your shower, Angel.
I drop my phone to the tiled floor.
That bastard just told everyone that we’re together… doing things!
There was a time this would’ve thrilled me to no end, but look where that got me.
I don’t want to continue being a doormat.
Just now, I was in danger of completely folding for him when he came after me in all his heated six-four of hard, solid primal hotness.
But he doesn’t love me.
After years of waiting, hoping he’ll turn around and see me, fighting to stay afloat the turbulent sea of agony, I’m exhausted, pissed at myself, and just… broken .
I don’t know exactly when everything went wrong, or why.
It’s not like I wasn’t showered with love by Grammy, Gramps, and Samuel. In fact, they spoiled me.
But somewhere along the way, it felt like there was a tearing-like pain growing in my heart… and only the green-eyed boy could make it irrelevant and unimportant.
He had a way of making me feel steady, safe, and seen… and that’s what I hate most about falling in love with Emmett.
I hate that he made me feel free and at ease.
I hate that with him, it was easy to open up, liberating to be curious, and wonder out -loud without feeling like I’m boring him to death.
But what I hate most is the way he made me feel… special.
Now, no matter how jaded you’ve been or how traumatized and heartbroken, once someone makes you feel like you’re beautifully unique, accepts you in all the ways you are, and gives you highly restricted access to the core of who they are… that does something fundamentally transformational to you.
Bit by bit, I found myself being so attached to him, that I didn’t care when he was silent… because even when he was, he was always listening to me.
I was rejected everywhere.
Hell, I didn’t become actual friends with Astraea until later on in our senior year of high school, even though I had known her when we were kids.
It was always Emmett.
He was the one who saw me, accepted me, quirks and all, and he never let go of my hand.
But it has never and will never be me for him.
“Do not awaken love before it is time!”
King Solomon in the Bible, gifted with rare wisdom, wrote a passionate charge to girls and women, but it was more like a warning, a potent reprimand.
I regret not protecting myself… but if I could protect my heart from falling in love with Emmett, I would right now have found the cure for cancer!
There are some things that no matter how hard we try, we lose in the end.
The problem is, I never tried not falling.
I dove headfirst, believing he would catch me, only to crash into a stone, shattering every bone in my body.
But that was then.
I need to focus on getting myself out of this now.
In the face of survival, unreciprocated love is a burden that needs to be cut loose.
I might as well unload everything, completely cut him off, and move on with my life…
I have no intention of playing victim anymore or allow myself to keep being trampled on by selfish, greedy, malicious people.
And honestly, what’s wrong with me that I don’t love myself enough to move on from those who don’t love me?
I need to act.
How do I mess up all his shit, get my brother back, and walk away unscathed?
Hastily wiping my tears, I grab my phone and try my brother, but the number doesn’t even connect, so I call Grammy.
“So… you’re still alive out there, it seems,” she says in a clipped tone.
My heart leaps into my throat. Does she know?
“Grammy, of course I’m alive.” I laugh then wince when I hear how forced and high-pitched it sounds.
“Is everything all right out there?” she demands.