Chapter 38
Malena
The Autumn Awards ceremony was like a marathon for me.
A couple of days after that amazing date with Conrad, I didn’t want to make it look like he didn’t exist in my life.
But I had to. Especially since my parents showed up an hour early at my condo instead of the Gibbs theater on campus like we agreed.
But Cora and I had expected it. They came by, my mom snooped, and then we made our way over to campus together.
After the ceremony, there was a reception being held in the atrium outside of the theater. I spotted my parents speaking to President Packham and was grateful for the momentary reprieve.
I decided to hang back, realizing too late I was standing next to Kash. I blew out an uncomfortable breath and racked my brain for an exit strategy.
“My parents are talking to Professor Crane,” he reported awkwardly.
I nodded.
When the silence got too loud, he went on. “How was the MCAT?”
“Good. I’m pretty sure I nailed it.” I pushed my toes against the hard floor, wondering what we could talk about. Kash sure had a cute face, but he could be such a dud when it came to conversation. “Congrats on the chemistry award.”
“Thanks.” He looked at the folder tucked under his arm. “You too.”
I nodded. The awards were checkmarks on a résumé to the same end.
In the time we spent together last year, I’d learned that his parents were similar to mine.
They had a very specific plan for their son: college, medical school, marry a nice Indian woman, have babies, never question said plan. And he seemed to be very much on board.
“The election went great.” Kash filled the awkwardness with truly unnecessary small talk; although, I guessed for anyone who didn’t know Sabrina, it was pretty cool news. “Hell of a landslide, it was called before midnight. Sabrina must be excited.”
I sighed.
Cora and I checked in on Sabrina yesterday, but she didn’t really want to talk. So, we were following her lead and would wait till she brought it up.
It was probably a good thing Sabrina wasn’t on campus because it was alive with excitement.
The Alders family produced presidents who invested in public education and healthcare, expanded the American ultra-rapid railway, and took aim at climate revival.
Fitzgerald Alders was expected to continue that legacy, and the hope was palpable.
“Yeah, she’s super excited,” I drawled. All you had to do was listen to me talk about Sabrina for more than a couple of minutes to know she was anxious about the development.
The Alders win meant a lot of great things for the country, but it was a complete and utter loss of normalcy for Sabrina. Not that she’d ever been normal.
Kash looked around and I was tempted to walk away, but that would be rude, right?
I’d texted him that day after the races that I was seeing someone and he never responded—he’d probably seen Conrad waiting for me after American Lit and put the pieces together.
Plus, James had inhabited his occasional seat like the good watchdog that he was.
“Can I ask you something?” I ventured, both because I was curious and because he didn’t appear to be taking the hint and moving on.
He gave me an upside-down smile. “Sure.”
While Conrad did everything under the sun to try to date me, Kash had only ever been interested in keeping me hidden. A part of me knew why, and a separate, spiteful part of me wanted to make him say it after he had me sit through that humiliating brunch.
Something about being treated so well by Conrad made me viscerally angry that I ever let anyone treat me the way Kash had.
“Why did you even want to date me?” If all he wanted was to hook up, why put me through the humiliation he did?
“I liked you.” He blew out a long breath and looked around, avoiding my eyes.
“After that brunch, I got to thinking about dating, and that I should probably be with someone who…” He moved the file folder from one hand to another.
“I figured we could go back to hooking up since you didn’t really date anyway. ”
“You put me through that ‘does she fit’ test and realized that I’m the girl you screw, not the girl you date,” I summarized bluntly. “Is that what you mean?”
There was a cruel irony in that those words were meant to warn me away from Conrad.
He blanched.
“I apologized for that.” Kash huffed in defeat. “And you’re… you do what you want and that’s great. But we’re different. I’m not judging you, but other people…”
With Kash, my past wasn’t just my past. It was a record to be judged against.
That was the thing. I may have been hiding the real Mal from my family, but I wasn’t ashamed of her.
Socially, sexually, academically… I was free.
I loved running headfirst into new things.
I wanted to see, try, experience everything.
I wanted to color outside the lines, and I wasn’t ashamed of that.
But Kash was. And it was further proof that I had to hide her, because she’d get an even worse reaction from my family.
I nodded and rolled my jaw, suppressing a sigh.
“We’re different. I get it,” I conceded, and I did get it. If I was being honest with myself, the only reason I’d dated him was to chase some sort of validation. The Malena that fit with him, that could make herself fall for him despite how he treated her—that Malena was one my mom would like.
“Yeah…” He began to turn and walk away. “I’ll see you around, I guess.”
I smiled mirthlessly, thinking of Ishani’s words. Nobody got to tell me about my place in the world—I’d find it eventually. I just wished it ached less. “See you around.”
I turned then, and my mom whipped into my vision. “Who was that?”
At once irritated and inquisitive, her brows hooked inward.
“Nobody,” I answered, smiling as my dad wandered over. “How was President Packham?”
“She says you’re working diligently with the paper,” Dad stated proudly, patting me on the head. Never great with displays of affections, that was his version of a hug.
“Who was that boy?” my mom pressed.
“Nobody, we’re in a few classes together.”
“Do you talk to him?”
I wasn’t allowed to date by their standards, and my focus was to remain firmly on school. Yet I could already see my mom spinning up a few loopholes.
“Not really. I know how you get when I socialize too much.”
My mom’s face turned to stone.
“Nobody likes an instigator, Malena.” She leaned in with a menacing stare and gave my arm a warning pinch. Short but painful, I yanked my arm back, rubbing it for a second but not saying anything.
She peered around, in search of Kash. “What is he going to do after college?”
“He wants to be an actor, actually,” I lied.
I bit back a grin as my mom’s face dropped. The idea she’d constructed of him being a nice Indian boy disintegrated at the thought of anyone pursuing something as unstable as acting. Because what would people think?
“Oh,” she mumbled to herself quietly, then looked up at my dad. “See, Vijay? This is what happens when you don’t have control of your children. His poor parents.” Her lip curled and she turned her head to look squarely at me. “Don’t talk to that boy.”
I stood up a little straighter. “I don’t.”
At least in that moment, I didn’t have to lie.
“Good.” She let out a pleased sigh. “All those hours working late, redoing our education, struggling for years when we came here…” Her gaze moved along the names listed on an overhead banner, likely searching for mine, which was there among the high achievers.
Her shoulders relaxed and her eyes softened as they met mine again, the corners of her mouth tilting up.
“All of our sacrifices were worth it when we see how well you do in school.” Her voice was warm and maternal as she closed the space between us.
Before I knew it, I was wrapped in a hug. “You never make us worry.”
My body sagged into hers, not realizing how much I’d yearned for this. For her to be proud of me. To like me. I didn’t think about the fact that it was the version of me that I kept perfectly in line for her. All I did was smile and hug her back.
Because in moments like these, I found myself wanting to color inside the lines she’d drawn, even if the resulting portrait didn’t resemble me in the slightest.
She pulled back and held my shoulders.
“Just watch that mouth.” Her hand moved to my chin, grasping it with a gentle firmness. Like she was doling out well-intentioned motherly advice. “We put up with it, but other people will think that honesty is disrespectful. Just listen, that’s all, and be like Avani.”
“Okay, Mom,” I said quietly.
“We should get on the road.” She looked at her watch then at me, and I nearly slumped in relief. “We left all of your favorites on the kitchen counter. I made some jalebi, too.”
I nodded.
Sometimes, I wondered if the version of myself that my mom wanted would be all that bad. I hated feeling like a marionette with her pulling the strings, but she did care for me. They both did.
They were my family.
And you only got one.
I pushed the door open to my condo and stopped when I realized we had company. I stayed frozen and tried to make sense of what I was looking at.
“You mean to tell me, there’s a way to play this game where nobody wins?” Ishani’s bewildered question to Cora greeted me as I closed the door. She held her hand to her chest. “Nobody ends up crying?”
“Yeah…” Cora carefully set four martini glasses onto the table. Each on a ceramic coaster that she made in pottery class as a freshman. “It’s about prolonging the game rather than anyone winning.”
Ishani tilted her head to the side. “What’s the point?”
“You’ll have to excuse her.” Lucy held a multicolored stack of Monopoly cash in her hand. “She was raised inside an episode of Succession.”
“Umm.” I looked around. “Hey?”
“Hey, Mal.” Cora looked up as she downed half her cocktail.
She and I had planned to have a game night after the excitement of my parents’ visit and the awards ceremony. When we weren’t in the mood to go out, the three of us girls would swap out gin and tonics at the bars for Cora’s specialty cocktails and we’d play a game or binge watch a TV show.
“I saw Lucy and Ishani at the quad and they invited us for a movie, but I told them we were gonna spend the night in.”
“So, we invited ourselves,” Ishani explained, carefully setting her perfectly organized money aside. “But we brought snacks.”
I blinked a couple times. “Oh.” I hooked my keys on the rack and put my bag down next to the kitchen island as I made my way over.
For some reason, I pictured Ishani and Lucy spending their spare time doing insanely cool things like going to fashion shows or restaurant openings. Although, both of those things were in short supply in New Harbor.
“Is Sabrina still calling in?” I asked, knowing that she probably wasn’t feeling particularly social right now.
“No, she has an International Policy paper due.” Cora gave me an unsure look, like she was confirming that we’d check in on her again in a few days. “But she said nobody is allowed to be the thimble.”
I sat down on the rug by the coffee table and reached for my martini, blowing a kiss to Cora in thanks.
“Done.” Ishani picked up the race car and turned it between her fingers. “I’m more of a vintage car gal, anyway.” She set it down on the board and looked up at me. “Oh, and I was chatting with a girl in my advanced linguistics class, and she’s organizing the Holi festival next semester.”
“Oh yeah?” I brought the back of my hand up to wipe my mouth, my attention piqued.
Ishani looked at Cora and back to me. I imagined there weren’t many people who saw Ishani Roy look nervous, so I pretended not to notice.
“Mm-hmm.” She looked down at the board and shifted a bit. “We usually go to Mumbai, but it might be nice to stick around.”
“And we could all go together,” I suggested. “I’ll invite Sonali, she might like to join us.”
Becoming less and less bothered by how I’d fit and more concerned with wanting to do something I loved—and I loved Holi—putting myself out there didn’t feel as enormous as it had in the past. Finding my place was constant work, and hiding wouldn’t help.
“Can’t wait.” Cora grinned and took the dice.
Something about the scene in front of me was a vision of what perfect might look like: my version of a zipper neatly coming together.