Chapter 40
Malena
Ilet out a long sigh in my kitchen, standing before the bowls I just filled—one with popcorn and the other Doritos. I reluctantly swiped up on the incoming call. “Hey, M—”
“What is this summer writing seminar packet that came in the mail?” My mom’s irate voice was loud enough to hear without my ear to the phone. “You can write at home if you have time after your internship.”
I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to figure out what she meant. “What?”
“There’s a packet about housing too?” I heard pages ruffling in the background. “Absolutely not.”
The writing seminar. Right.
After Paris, riding on the freedom high, I submitted my details as per Dillian’s insistence.
“I told President Packham I’d consider it.” The longer this semester dragged on, the messier I was getting. “I was trying to be nice.”
I looked over the kitchen island and into the living room where Cora gave me a wave to indicate Sabrina had logged into our call.
We’d finally gotten her on the phone, a full week after the election.
I flicked a glance at the clock on the wall.
It was four in the afternoon here, meaning it was already late in the UK, another reason to get my mom off the phone.
“That writing minor is a nuisance,” she countered. “You need to focus on the sciences and drop it.”
“Dropping a minor would look terrible on med school applications. Besides, I…” I paused and began to pace in the kitchen.
I was trying to be more open and not let past experiences taint future ones.
Maybe I could try again with her too. I took a breath.
“I took on the minor because writing makes me happy. I like it.”
A hopeful silence floated through the line.
“You also like candy, but that doesn’t mean you can eat it all the time,” she retorted. “Not everything is about you being happy. You’re not doing this seminar.”
It was stupid to be disappointed, but I was. “I wasn’t planning on it.”
All the will to argue evaporated because she’d been so happy with me at the awards ceremony a couple of weeks ago. Things were peaceful, and I hated that something dumb like the seminar shook loose the tension.
“You need to come home more and tell us these things before I find out about them, because I will always find out, Malena,” she bit back, scrambling to tighten her hold on her delinquent daughter. “We’ll talk about it later.”
She hung up.
I shoved my phone into my back pocket and walked back to the living room.
“I’ll probably spend winter break with my mom going to a few sculpture exhibitions…” Cora rattled off her plans as I took a seat next to her on the couch.
“How’s it going?” I asked.
Sabrina’s last few months of seclusion would end soon, and she’d be thrown into the public spotlight once her dad was inaugurated.
“I’m okay, really,” Sabrina said firmly. “But can we talk about anything else?”
“Oh,” I stammered, wishing I’d thought of something fun to share since I knew Sabrina well enough to know she’d probably need some more time to unpack all of her anxiety. “Sure… I—”
“They had sex in that boat house.” The words flew out of Cora’s mouth.
Sabrina’s eyes went wide. She leaned in closer to the screen. “Which one?”
My face heated. “Technically it was the shell house next to the boat house.”
“I can’t wait till you get back and see them together,” Cora teased. “It’s nauseatingly adorable.”
Sabrina blew out a sigh. “I can’t believe I missed Mal settling down with a boyfriend.”
The joke, meant to be light, made the room go quiet with the stale truth.
My flings-only rule was primarily because I wanted to experience everything I could.
But the flip side of it was that they knew my parents wouldn’t approve.
They just didn’t know what it was like to have to weigh your own needs against potentially losing your entire family.
And why would they? They had great parents who were concerned with their happiness, first and foremost.
“Before I know it”—Sabrina’s unsure gaze met Cora’s—“I’ll get back and Cora won’t drag me to Pilates.”
Cora released a short, nervous laugh.
“If you need more time to figure this out with him, we can keep this thing quiet over the summer too,” Cora pivoted. She took hold of my hand. “Especially if you get that orthopedic internship in the city.”
They always assumed my parents would eventually come around if I chose to defy them. And I didn’t correct them because the truth felt too awful to admit even to myself. I didn’t want to be disowned and I didn’t want to have parents who did that sort of thing.
So, I skirted around it, hoping one day I’d be the daughter they wanted. And this wouldn’t be a problem.
“Stay at the Alders house,” Sabrina blurted. “Say you have long hours and traveling at night for that commute is dangerous.”
“Yeah…” It was so much more than I was prepared to handle. Way more than I was allowed to want. “Maybe that’ll work.”
My mom just berated me about a writing seminar I wasn’t even planning to take. I didn’t want to imagine how telling her about Conrad would go.
“It will.” Sabrina ventured into the silence that fell between us. “I have access to the Secret Service.” She flicked a glance over her shoulder to someone off screen and then back to us. “We’ll make it work until you’re ready to tell your parents.”
Even if we could make it work, how was I supposed to explain any of it to Conrad?
Oh hey, you know how you’ve made space for me in your life?
With your friends—who are practically your family?
I can’t do the same. In fact, nobody in my life outside of school knows you exist. And that’s probably never going to change. Sorry.
Nobody deserved to live as a secret. So, either the two-Malena system ended, or the relationship did. And it would have to happen soon.
“I knew I’d find you here.” Conrad’s voice called through the mausoleum the next morning. “I thought you were coming over to my place to study.”
“I wanted to get this read,” I explained from my spot on the creaky sliding ladder. I pushed Cornelis Amherst’s criminally boring and generally unhelpful journal back into its spot on the shelf.
Following the Scroll & Ivy rule of nothing leaving this building, I had to speed read through every journal here. But just the timbre of Conrad’s voice drove the boredom from the room.
Like it always did.
At first I chalked it up to our mutual attraction and banter. But now…
I was just as excited to talk to him about books, my biochemistry lab work, or this article as I was to sit in a club seat at an F1 race.
An excitement that came with the feeling of being deeply comfortable because I could let my guard down.
His plotting that kept the mausoleum empty these last few weeks so I’d have a quiet space to study, sending Isha and Lucy to drag me to the Diwali party… He saw me.
All the ways I felt imperfect and lacking in other parts of my life, I didn’t feel around him. He’d become a safe place for me to be myself.
“I have some interesting news,” Conrad called from the bottom of the ladder. “About the paper.”
“Oh good. Because Cornelis Amherst definitely had a more-than-friendly relationship with his best friend and was otherwise useless.” I looked down again, at his hands tucked in his pockets and his eyes trained on me.
He grinned devilishly, his eyes running down my tights and probably up my skirt. “I ran into Dillian. I’ve got a new assignment.”
I descended three rungs and turned to him.
“Oh no.” I took hold of his sweater and tugged gently.
His smile straightened a bit, and he opened then closed his mouth. Finally, he spoke. “He wanted a short piece on the Autumn Awards ceremony… He gave me a list of recipients today.” He took a step back. “Why didn’t you tell me you were one?”
Guilt pricked me.
“It was sort of an obligation,” I answered, and it was true. “I went, got my award, went home. It was boring.”
He leaned forward, both hands dropping gently on my shoulders. Still a rung up on the ladder, I was at eye level with him.
“Watching you shine is the least boring thing I can think of,” he encouraged. “Besides, being your boyfriend means I get to be embarrassingly proud of you at these types of things, right?”
A flutter moved through my chest. Every time I was about to cut and run, he gave me a reason to stop. “Right.”
“Can I ask you something?” His hands moved from my shoulders to my hips. This close, the cedary smell of his cologne—the one that lingered on my skin when I slept over—plucked at my senses.
I rested both palms on his chest. “Sure.”
“I never really dated because, well, till you, it seemed like something I’d be terrible at.” He gave me a charming smile then swiped a palm over his jaw, scratching at the light stubble. “I’ve sort of been guessing your reason.”
I didn’t want to lie, so I chose my words carefully. “Life is complicated, with lots of competing priorities. Flings are simple and easy. Relationships are…”
“Hard?” Conrad finished for me, leaning forward and pressing a reassuring kiss on my lips. Like he was hoping it would keep me talking. I nodded. “But Malena Amin isn’t afraid of hard things.”
I tried to look away, but his gaze held mine. Unable to hide, my voice dropped to a whisper. Honesty was terrifying when its inevitable conclusion was making a choice I wasn’t ready to make. “Maybe she’s afraid of this one.”
I’d been naked in front of Conrad more times than I could count, yet this was the first time I felt bare. Realizing that I’d never verbalized that to anyone, my eyes went wide.
He smiled softly and ran a hand through my hair, gently stroking the back of my neck. “You don’t have to be. You know that, right? Not with me.”
I knew what he presumed. I let him believe that someone hurt me, and that’s why I was skittish. The truth wasn’t that far off. Someone had hurt me, but it wasn’t a guy I’d dated.
“I know.” I closed the nearly non-existent space between us and pulled him into a kiss.