Chapter 46
Malena
Tuesday morning began with a strange email from President Packham’s assistant to meet at her office first thing. So, at nine o’clock on the dot, I took a seat on a tufted chair outside her office.
In an effort not to spiral over what the meeting was about, I busied myself on my phone, scrolling mindlessly, when a text came in from my dad.
After a rare bout of silence over the weekend, he was reminding me that I was to head home the second my classes were over today.
He offered to pick me up, but I declined.
My mom hadn’t called or texted, probably because she was waiting for an apology from me.
Even though I was sure I’d never get one from her.
A door creaked on its hinges.
“Malena.” President Packham stood at her doorway and motioned me in, and I noted the deep wells under her eyes that her glasses weren’t doing a good job of concealing. “Please come in.”
“Is something wrong?” I murmured as I approached, twining my fingers around my tote.
“Sit.” She rounded her desk and took her seat, the sunlight filtering through her office casting her shadow along the polished mahogany. “It’s been a long week since the Amherst Building had that false alarm.” She steepled her hands together. “It woke up half of campus.”
My heart fell into my stomach. “Oh, right.”
“And such a concern in a historic building is taken seriously. We may need to close it entirely just before finals. Is there anything you’d like to tell me?”
She couldn’t know about it. Right?
“Like what?” I asked meekly.
“Like what you were doing in the Amherst Building’s library hours after it was closed earlier this semester?”
I blanched.
“I’m the president of the university. Not much gets by me.” Her lips formed a line and her eyes tracked along the desk. “I don’t want to see you involved in something you can’t get yourself out of.”
“I’m not.” The words shot out of my mouth. “That was months ago. We were working late and got… caught up. That’s all.”
“Yes, well, I have a feeling I know who pulled the alarm, but I’d like for that person to come forward before I’m forced to take next steps.”
I did the mental gymnastics to figure out what she knew. If there were cameras—and there weren’t any that we could see—she would have only seen Conrad. Not me.
“It wasn’t me,” I insisted as my heart threw a tantrum in my chest. I wasn’t going to throw Conrad under the bus, but it was the truth.
Apologize. My body trembled, mind spiraling despite my best efforts. What if I got kicked out of Winchester? I was already on thin ice at home, soon I wouldn’t have the privilege of walking away. I’d be expelled then disowned, and I’d have nothing.
My chest tightened.
“I don’t think it was. But, from what Professor Fulton tells me, you’re working on an article that might put you in the crosshairs.”
“This is about my work at the paper?”
In that moment, I remembered that there couldn’t have been cameras in the basement—if there were, she’d have called me in here weeks ago.
“Yes.” She folded her hands on top of each other. “Given the scrutiny certain students may be under in the next few months, I don’t think it’s a good idea that you continue the piece.”
All the anxiety washed off my body with a wave of newfound understanding. Maybe she knew about the catacombs and was drawing her own conclusions. If she knew about the catacombs, she probably knew about Scroll his attention fixed on her.
Before I could say anything, Sabrina hopped off the stool and met me in the foyer. “Are you sure you don’t want to spend the weekend with the Alders?”
“You were waiting for me?” I looked past her into the neatly organized kitchen. She’d been back from Oxford since Sunday morning; after seeing Cora off to the airport, she must have come back here instead of heading for her parents’ house.
“I would love the company,” she added. “A weekend at the country house. Football on the green. It could be a good distraction.”
“Actually…” I tripped over every single thought rushing through my mind.
I peeled off my cardigan, warm from having run all the way back here.
Days of telling myself that I made the right choice fell flat when the opportunity to become what I could be presented itself.
“I discovered some important information relating to the article.”
Sabrina had been right the other day, that the real reason I needed the award was the same reason I wanted to finish this piece: I didn’t want to let this go. Something I loved. The chance at autonomy. The ability to make my own decisions.
Because with every concession, I felt the real me slipping away.
Sabrina’s cheeks lifted. “And…”
“And I need to find Conrad.” I let out a nervous breath.
“Take this.” Sabrina held up her finger and went over to her luggage with her vintage Kelly sitting on top. She reached in, walked back to me, and pressed the brass key into my hand. She closed my fingers around it. “I don’t want it yet.”
My heart rate—dangerously high from both my realization and practically sprinting here—began to settle. With it was the reality that always tugged me back like quicksand.
“I’m supposed to go home,” I said, but it came out as a question.
I was supposed to go home and apologize. Then embark on some type of rehabilitation tour doing anything and everything to prove that I could be the daughter they wanted. I could follow President Packham’s orders and write something else. I could fall in line.
Or I could finally stop and be a little brave.
Because no matter how hard I tried to shove the real version of myself into place when I needed to, I wouldn’t stay there. I knew that.
“You were also supposed to be the twenty-one-year-old virgin who spent all her free time studying,” Sabrina deadpanned.
An incredulous smile pushed up my cheeks. “Who are you and what have you done to Sabrina Alders?”
My rule-following best friend seemed to have finally taken Cora’s and my advice while abroad.
Sabrina took a step closer; her attention went to my sleeve that ended in a ruffle at my shoulder. She ran a hand over the bruise on my arm, now visible without the cardigan. “I know you don’t like talking about your family, but you can always confide in me.”
An ache filled my lungs. It was one of the things I didn’t burden her with because pretending everything was fine had been my MO since I learned to navigate life. I didn’t like having to face how defective I felt, because how unacceptable did you have to be to need protection from your own mother?
“I figured she’d ease up when I started acting correctly,” I admitted, knowing I didn’t need to explain who she was. “It doesn’t happen a lot.”
Pretending it wasn’t a big deal was a lie I told myself. But I had to stop running from the things that scared me. I had to face them or they’d never change.
“I may not be able to relate exactly, but I’ll always listen.” She looped her arm through mine. “And I wanted to tell you something. I stayed back because Cora and I were talking this morning…”
Sabrina ushered me into the kitchen and onto the stools at the island.
“About?”
“We’re serious when we say you have us, it’s not some platitude.
We’ve come up with a plan.” She tilted her phone screen to me then scrolled down to reveal a spreadsheet.
One that I could tell Cora made. It was every break, vacation, extended weekend, and holiday for the next couple of years.
“Spend winter break in California with Cora. The summer with me in Manhattan…”
“Sabrina.” Emotion welled in the back of my throat, pushing a watery film over my eyes.
“You have us in the metaphysical sense, but also here, in an official capacity.” Her voice was firm and reassuring. “You don’t have to worry, you’ll never be on your own.”
I nodded, because if I spoke, I was sure I’d start sobbing.
“And, for the record, the real Mal is amazing.” Her voice swung up.
“She’s the one who sat up with me at all hours when I couldn’t sleep for months.
Who convinced me to go out on nights I would have stayed in and tried to push me out of my comfort zone.
Because, and I quote, ‘We only have this bone density for a limited time.’”
I coughed out a laugh.
“People who love you don’t make you choose between your happiness and theirs,” she added.
I smiled. “Yeah…”
She wrapped me in a hug and squeezed tight. “Call me. I’ll have a car get you if you decide to come stay with us.” She pulled back and kept her hands on my shoulders. “We’ll figure out the rest.”
I nodded, pulled out my phone, and turned off my location settings, knowing my mom would get a notification. Then, I silenced it.
If I was going to be brave, I had to actually do something that required courage.
Whatever the outcome, I’d deal with it. But I’d always know it was my decision.
And that made it worth it.