20. Ivy
Chapter twenty
Ivy
Age Twenty
Blinking away the watery image of Theo and Monty grinning before me, I pass the shaking gun to Killian, the revolver suddenly feeling heavy in my hands. The adrenaline wanes all at once, making me feel lightheaded, my knees going weak. Theo's chuckle in my ear sends a shiver down my spine on both sides, something crackling deep inside me. He pushes me onto the sofa and sinks to his knees in front of me, those pretty ice-blue eyes lit up with a bit of amusement.
"You live to die another day, Tiger Lily."
A giggle bursts from my chest, loud and light and so strange to my own ears that it shocks me at first. I press my still shaking fingers over my lips, testing the feel of the laugh. Bolstered by the excitement, I cup Theo's cheek in my hand. His skin is warm and smooth, a little bit of stubble moving under my touch as I flick my tongue out between my lips.
"That feels good."
Killian snickers as the grin spreads on Theo's lips, and then his hands are skating up my thighs and his lips are on mine and I don't know how I never noticed that he tastes like cinnamon and cider, something warm and comfortable.
" What feels good, Bambi?" Killian asks, his voice hard, betraying no emotion. I open my eyes, but Theo doesn't let go of me as he continues to kiss me, his hunger growing by the second. Behind him, I see Killian's free hand wrap around a tuft of Theo's brown hair and pull him back, exposing his Adam’s apple to me as he's hauled away, panting, his lips wet with our kiss and a grin nestled in the corner of them. "Cheating death?"
I don't even know how to answer that, so I just nod as Theo's grin falters a little when he feels the muzzle of the gun pressed into the back of his head. "Should we let Theo see how good it feels, too?"
My breath hitches at the looks in their eyes. It's like they're suffering a shared psychosis, like we're all suffering a shared psychosis. I wouldn't be here with them, wouldn't have pulled the trigger on myself if I wasn't a little bit crazy too. Maybe all the time I've spent wanting to be one of them over the years has bled their habits into my brain.
"Do it." Theo smirks, his crooked smile making something dark and dangerous flutter inside of me.
Killian needs no further invitation.
I hear the squeeze of the trigger, the click of an empty chamber… and then the burst of laughter when Theo realizes he's been spared the bullet.
"Fuck," Monty sighs, his breath a shaky exhale over the back of Theo's neck before he presses a kiss to it.
Killian's eyes meet mine over the top of their heads.
"Two out of six." He says, sounding impressed. "Odds aren't looking good for us, buddy."
Monty laughs, pulling away from the back of Theo to push the sleeves of his comfort hoodie up to the elbow, like he's prepping for battle or something.
"Should we let Poison decide who goes next? There's a one in four chance now... fifty percent that it's either of us."
"Scared, Monty?" Theo smirks, challenging him with a slow lick of his lips before turning to me expectantly. "Make your choice, Tiger Lily. But it better be one you can live with."
A violent shiver rolls through me as the two of them stand before me, awaiting their fate. I can't make a choice, knowing it could condemn the other... or knowing that I may condemn the one I choose. Each of these men has meant something special to me over the years, each in their own way. Despite being the ringleader of the group, Killian's interest in me was never purely his own.
"Tick… tock." Killian says slowly, enunciating the two syllables with such a profound pause between them that it's clear he's reinforcing the two choices.
Monty or Killian.
Killian or Monty.
"I can't." I swallow, hating the weakness I just displayed for them, my inability to decide something so simple at face value.
"Cause you want to go again?" Killian smirks, "Is that it? You like the rush of evading death?"
I did like the rush— I do . I don't want to go again, but it almost sounds preferrable to choosing between them.
"I think Bambi is a secret junkie." Killian smirks. "Adrenaline, namely."
I'm not sure that I can explain it to them, and I'm not sure that they would understand if I did. I may only get glimpses and stolen bits of knowledge about them, but I know that they didn't grow up the way I did. They had each other all the time, not just in fragmented moments of summer nights when I could sneak out of my parents' cabin. Even if they're considered to be the school outcasts or the town's troublemakers, I don't think they understand the absolute lack of stimulation I've lived with almost my entire life as I twisted myself to fit into whatever box my parents wanted me to get in.
It's easy for any normal person, I imagine, to fall under the spell of life when they can actually live it. And when I’m with them, even though I may be doing nothing, I am actually living.
"I do like it." I tell him, feeling the truth in my words as they fall from my tongue. "I want more of it."
Killian's smile is slow to spread, but it takes over his handsome face. "I can help with that."
He presses the gun to his temple and pulls the trigger without so much as flinching. His eyes never leave mine, and something tells me that when he hears the little gasp that slips out of the back of my throat, he knows exactly what he's doing to me.
"Shit." Monty says quietly, chuckling as he stretches his hand out. "Not loving my odds, here."
"You got something to live for?" Killian taunts him, the little smirk in the corner of his mouth full of devious intent. And yet, I feel like I'm also being left out of some sort of private joke.
Monty's eyes flick to mine. I'm not sure he even means to do it, but when he does, half of his soft lips pull up into a smile. But then he fixes Killian with a look so full of devotion, it takes me by surprise.
"A thing or two... or three." He shrugs as if it doesn't matter, then curls his fingers around the gun, licks his lips, and pulls the trigger with a laugh. I don't laugh this time, my throat threatening to close around the fear that's gripping me.
"What are the odds?" Theo chuckles, as Monty drags his hand through his hair and passes the gun back to Killian.
"Five in six." Killian laughs. "Not bad odds, really. Ready to go again, Bambi?"
"No." I shake my head automatically, all the captive excitement of the last five minutes waning at once.
If he holds that gun to my head again, it's a fifty/fifty chance that I get the bullet. And I don't want to die now that I'm finally living... with them.
"Don't be scared." Theo whispers, his husky voice sending chills down my spine as his fingers stroke over my collarbone. "You already cheated death once tonight."
Which is exactly why I can't try again.
I try to stand, to get out of this fucked up situation I got myself into, but there's no getting out of this. Theo's arm tightens around my neck just enough to lock me in place as I slip off the couch, trying to duck out from under his arm.
"Hey, hey," Monty soothes, dropping down next to me and placing a gentle hand on my thigh. "Calm down. There's nothing to be scared of."
His grip on my thigh, so close to the hem of my shorts, proves otherwise as it tightens on me in an almost bruising grip, pinning my other one to the ground so that I'm spread out in butterfly and trapped in place as Killian drops onto my lap, his breath ghosting against my lips. I don't dare move, hostage to the feelings swirling through me and the glorious effect the cocktail is having on my body, which feels like I'm standing with one foot over the edge of a cliff that looks into nothing below.