Chapter Nine #2
“I mean, there’s lots of reasons. It used to be my weight,” Kaiden explained.
“I used to be really fat. Like really, really big. And there’s nothing wrong with that—plenty of folks get action and are happy with how they look, no matter their size.
Good for them, honestly. I wish I could be one of those guys rocking out the thick daddy vibes.
But some of us put value in every extra pound…
or actually, we take away value in ourselves for every extra pound.
And to be clear, I had a lot of extra pounds.
So, naturally, I never dated anyone in high school.
No one after high school. Then, when I finally lost the weight, I guess I didn’t feel that much better about myself. ”
Kaiden shrugged, tightening his stomach with a short breath and a pinched expression.
Rus didn’t understand Kaiden’s obsession with being so skinny. Especially since he’d spent his entire life trying to bulk up. He’d kill for Kaiden’s thick thighs and broad frame.
“I guess it kind of still is sometimes,” Kaiden continued, running his fingers along his elegant corset vest. “This helps. Helps me feel more like how I want to be seen, but underneath it, things are rough.”
“No, they’re not,” Dylan said. “You lost over a hundred pounds. That’s fucking amazing.”
Rus’ eyes bulged, stunned and impressed.
“You’re sweet, but please don’t invalidate my feelings.
” Kaiden gave a tiny shrug. “It’s okay not to be happy with your body.
It’s okay not to have body positivity in yourself, just because someone else said we all look perfect just the way we are.
It’s not fatphobic to be disappointed in my looks.
I’ve been down that road, losing the unhealthy way, hating myself for the wrong reasons—”
“There’s no right reason to hate oneself,” Dylan interjected, then mimed a zip of his lips.
“True,” Kaiden replied. “But it’s okay to want more. And I want more. Which is why I’ve been on the correct path to weight loss, you know that. My fitness game is better than yours. Better than most of those red pill alpha wannabe douchebags.”
Dylan nodded.
“Well, I’m damn impressed,” Rus said.
“Thank you.” Kaiden gave a soft smile. “I’m happy with the journey I’m on now, and proud of how far I’ve come.
How I’ve stuck with it and learned healthier choices, not just starving myself.
I just hope one day my body reflects the journey, shows all the hard work and dedication and definition I’ve put into it. ”
“So, no dating until your body is a ten?” Dylan asked, leaning down on the bed and propping himself up with his elbow.
“No, I’m actually probably kind of mostly sort of really okay with how I look when it comes to dating,” Kaiden said with a sour expression. “Okay, maybe a few things I’d need to sit down and discuss with the guy beforehand, but yeah. I’m good with how I look. Mostly.”
“So, why no dating?” Rus followed up.
“You haven’t had the displeasure of stopping by my house,” Kaiden said with a chuckle.
“It’s a disaster. It’s hard enough finding a guy to meet for a hookup when I can’t host, how the heck am I supposed to date someone?
Introduce them to my entire family? My family, who doesn’t even want me hanging a rainbow flag up, let alone have a guy over there. ”
“Fuck them,” Rus said sharply.
“I still don’t understand how you’ve never kissed anyone yet have fucked.” Dylan gave an inquisitive look. “How does one pull this off?”
“Easy,” Kaiden said. “Guys don’t give a fuck about kissing.”
“Not true,” Rus said. Kissing was his favorite part. Granted, sometimes it wasn’t always about kissing on the lips, or at least not those lips, but he liked the simple pleasures of pressing his body against another. The joy of tasting someone, the sensations of their body reacting to his touch.
“Well, the guys I’ve messed around with haven’t,” Kaiden explained. “It’s weird making the first move when meeting up with someone for, you know.”
“If you can do it, you can say it,” Dylan said.
“It’s hard dating because I live at home and I can’t exactly bring a guy there. It’s not easy meeting guys out in the world either, like you never know if they’re gay or polite.”
“Ain’t that the truth?” Dylan high-fived Kaiden.
Rus had never really thought about that struggle.
When it came to guys, he hadn’t dated any.
Not seriously. He hadn’t dated anyone seriously since his high school girlfriend.
Things ended rough and sort of zapped out all his emotional bandwidth.
It helped that the college scene embraced casual flings and hookup culture.
But he’d grown bored of those things, finding sex didn’t fill that empty void his last relationship had left.
“So, when it comes to meeting guys, I turn to apps.”
Dylan hissed. “The devil’s playground.”
They all laughed.
“Exactly,” Kaiden said, stifling his laughter. “Most guys there are just looking for hookups, and at first, I just sort of wanted to experience something, anything, so I agreed to hookups. Unfortunately, most guys don’t wanna kiss. They just want to jump straight to business—pun intended.”
Rus quirked a brow. “Pun?”
“Most dudes on a hookup app are on the DL. Masc acting, straight men.” Dylan used air quotes around ‘straight’. “Those guys don’t kiss as much because they don’t want to be perceived as gay.”
Rus was baffled by the notion. “But sticking their dick in a dude or having a dick poked into them is totally hetero?”
“Prison rules.” Dylan shrugged. “And before you say it, yes, it applies. They’re in a prison of their own making as they bastardize their life to live some heteronormative nonsense.”
“I will never understand the fear of being bi,” Rus said with a tsk.
“Well, aside from the fact that everyone assumes you’re lying because you want attention, or you’re really just gay.
Guys figure you’ll run off to marry the first chick that offers you a baby, while girls assume you’re thinking about dudes all the time, and everyone is certain you’re an absolute slut.
Monogamy is off the table—because, you know, total whore.
Then there’s bi erasure. Oh, and we’re chaotic gremlins. But that last part is totally true.”
Rus giggled at his own rambles, letting them roll off his tongue like an unwanted weight.
“Okay, maybe the bi label isn’t that easy,” he said with a grin. “But to just spend your whole life deluding yourself into thinking you’re straight? I don’t have the energy to gaslight myself that much.”
“I think we all lie to ourselves about something.” Dylan had a very stoic expression, which Rus studied, following his gaze that held Kaiden’s bright green eyes.
“Welp, I can’t do anything about DL dudes, sleazy hookup apps, or your horrible family—unless you want me to punch, that I can totally do,” Rus said, cheeriness in his voice at the offer.
The silent seconds where Kaiden contemplated with the slyest of smiles made Rus’ heart flutter.
“No beating up my family,” Kaiden said. “No beating up anyone.”
“Fiiiine,” Rus said with a sigh. “But there is one thing we can fix tonight.”
“What’s that?”
Rus scooted closer to Kaiden, closing the distance between them as they sat on the bed.
“We can get you that first kiss.”
“What? Really? No. How?” Kaiden’s face turned bright red.
“I’m sure after waiting this long, part of you—even subconsciously—has been holding out for the perfect kiss.
” Rus placed a hand on Kaiden’s shoulder, gently squeezing.
“But you should know, the perfect kiss doesn’t come right away.
It takes practice to know what you want and what you can offer.
It takes patience to find the right lips. ”
“Oh.”
In the corner of his eye, Rus found Dylan captivated by the bold action.
Rus didn’t want to overthink his actions, didn’t want to overstep them either, but he found himself entranced by Kaiden’s raw vulnerability.
He found himself compelled to test his curiosities.
And maybe, despite her joking, Daysha had a point.
“Are you comfortable with a kiss?” Rus tilted his head, leaning in closer to Kaiden.
He smirked at how quickly Kaiden stopped breathing, like he’d somehow disappear if he stayed perfectly still.
“Yeah, I guess. I mean, are you comfortable? It’s kind of—”
Before Kaiden could ramble his way out of this moment, Rus pressed his lips to the other man’s. And yes, Rus knew that somehow, he was taking advantage of the situation, testing his own curiosities in the process.
The smack of their lips filled the quiet room.
The smallest of nervous giggles escaped Kaiden’s mouth before Rus drew him in entirely.
Since Kaiden had no experience, Rus led with his tongue, guiding their mouths in this moment, using his piercing to tease Kaiden, and his hands to adjust Kaiden's head.
Each second that ticked held a tiny infinity that Rus would carry with him.
He held Kaiden’s first kiss—quite the responsibility.
It was a bit messier than he’d intended, but Kaiden lost himself in the passion, and Rus found himself falling into the embrace.
Part of him wanted to push Kaiden down onto the mattress, to straddle him as he taught him his first kiss, to taste his excitement as he grinded against the other man.
Instead, Rus pulled back, remembering they weren’t quite alone in the room, and a kiss transformed into a make-out session might be harder for friends to brush off.
“Wow. That was just… Wow.” Kaiden blushed, breathless, and fumbled to compose himself.
“Now, you two should kiss.” Rus gestured to the space between Kaiden and Dylan.
“What?”
“Absolutely,” Rus continued. “If you’ve only been kissed by one guy, you have nothing to really compare it to. Now, a sample size of two isn’t much, but it’ll prepare you for the next guy you meet on the devil’s playground.”
They all laughed again, but this time, Rus caught the edge of nervousness in both their voices, working so hard to hide their anxious anticipation.
“Oh, I’m so done with apps.”
“All the same,” Rus said. “It’ll get you that much closer to the perfect kiss.”
Dylan scooted over, sitting up crisscrossed in the process. His left knee brushed against Rus’ leg, rousing a spark of desire in him. How he’d like to taste Dylan next, but he deluded himself into believing this was a moment for Kaiden. It was as much a moment for Rus, an experience, a craving.
The yearning in Dylan’s eyes when they locked onto Kaiden suggested as much held true for him, too.
“Just a reminder that a kiss can be everything or nothing at all,” Dylan said. “Between friends, they decide.”
Rus watched the intensity in both their expressions, the chemistry that sparked in the air between them, the unspoken consent with a simple graze of Kaiden’s fingers over Dylan’s forearm.
It was as if this was the first time these two had truly seen each other. Truly experienced these feelings with each other. The calmness before their lips met seemed friendly and playful, but there was a silent sizzle, a pop in the atmosphere as their mouths pressed.
Their kiss came with a passion Rus hadn’t noticed between them until just this second. The gentle smack of Dylan’s guiding lips, the curious exploration of Kaiden’s tongue. A soft caress as fingers trailed up arms, leaving a wake of excited goosebumps.
It seemed Rus didn’t need to test his curiosities out; he could see where the real passion lay.
“Well, that was certainly something.” Kaiden smirked, eyeing Dylan, then Rus, then the space between the three of them.
An infinite space in Rus’ mind, feeling like an interloper in his own apartment.
“Now, you two have to kiss.” Kaiden gestured between the pair. “Fair is fair.”
“What?” Dylan asked, grinning wide and goofy and adorable.
“Um, this was more of a learning experience,” Rus said, trying not to quash the moment. “Not really a—”
“It’s a kiss off,” Kaiden said.
“A what?” Rus and Dylan asked in unison.
“It’s like arm wrestling, with the strongest person landing on top.”
“Kissing is nothing like arm wrestling,” Rus said.
“Well, damn, then I’m doing it wrong. Guess I have more to learn, so I should probably watch the pros this round.”
Rus was unsure why he resisted the idea of sharing a kiss with Dylan. Maybe it just felt awkward, encroaching on the sparks he’d seen between Kaiden and Dylan, even if the pair had missed them.
“It’s a little like arm wrestling.” Dylan puckered his lips dramatically, seemingly taking nothing seriously in the best way possible. “But the best lips don’t always land on top.”
Rus snickered.
“In fact, sometimes…” Dylan teasingly raised his brows as he leaned in closer to Rus. “They’re best served by—”
Rus rushed in, slapping his lips against Dylan’s, silencing the other man as he tasted every unsaid joke Dylan now kept to himself.
Where Rus moved with a gentle, guiding touch with Kaiden, he now used a more assertive and demanding approach.
Dylan didn’t simply submit, following Rus’ lead.
Oh no, he practically bucked against Rus as he adjusted himself, moving his lips and body in tandem.
Both resisted the urge to collide into one another.
To slam into a powerful embrace as they shared this moment.
Rus felt the tension in Dylan as he fought as hard to keep the kiss just a kiss, much like Rus did.
When their lips parted, he panted, eyes locked onto Dylan for a moment, yet still instinctively drawn to Kaiden. Somehow, testing his curiosities had worked out perfectly, except for one small problem. He liked them both but worried they might actually like each other.