Chapter Twenty-Three #2
“My grandparents have been married for, like, almost fifty years,” Rus said with a calm demeanor, encouraging Dylan to take a breath and pause.
“The first ten years of their marriage, he was stationed halfway across the world while she stayed at home raising my mom and her sisters. Then, when he retired, my grandma became one of those traveling nurses, gone weeks or months at a time. They didn’t have half the tech to keep in contact and mostly wrote letters.
Still do. In fact, he’s usually working with veterans while she’s off helping build clinics around the world.
They make it work. It’s not traditional, but since when do we have to be traditional? ”
“True,” Kaiden added, gingerly cupping a hand around Dylan’s face. “You both were the ones who reminded me we didn’t have to follow the rules that others followed.”
“But I hadn’t even really considered things, thinking with my dick or my heart or both,” Dylan said. “We could really just keep things the way they are?”
“I think right now we’re all enjoying having our own space.”
Truthfully, Kaiden didn’t want to live with anyone again for a long time. He’d gladly make room for Rus and Dylan at his place whenever and however they wanted, but it was still his place. That distinction remained important to him after so many years trapped in his family’s home.
“Well, what about kids?” Dylan asked, sparking a new panic for another random possibility of what could be. “What if you end up wanting them?”
“You know I’m not in the headspace to even consider kids,” Rus said, rubbing his thumb over his Valentine’s Day tattoo. “It’s not something I’ve ever really wanted.”
“You could change your mind.” Dylan shrugged frantically. “Ten years from now, you might want kids. Want a picket fence.”
“If in ten years I want a kid or you want one or Kaiden wants one, then we sit down and have that conversation,” Rus said with a sincerity Kaiden admired. “We don’t have to sabotage our relationship over what might happen in a year or five or fifty. We get to enjoy the ride right now, remember?”
Dylan dwelled on that for a minute, considering.
“I’ve never truly just enjoyed the ride,” Dylan admitted. “I play it cool and go with the flow, but I’m a planner. I’ve had to be. I’ve wanted to be. It makes the world a better place when you’re prepared for any possible outcome.”
“You can still prepare for possibilities,” Rus said. “Just maybe don’t let them consume you, consume what we have right now.”
“Instead of preparing for the worst, maybe we prepare for something good,” Kaiden added.
Dylan stood silent for a moment, lost in thought. Kaiden studied his steadying breaths, the ease of tension in his stance, and believed they’d gotten through to him.
“God, you both really are the best. I love you,” Dylan said, the surprise on his face revealing just how vulnerable he was by uttering those three little words.
The fear and vulnerability hummed in the quiet room, radiating off Dylan as he composed himself. Kaiden wondered if the fear on Dylan’s face would flutter away as easily as those words had.
“I love you both, too.” Rus kissed Dylan, soft and tender, taking his time as if to say he loved him all over again.
The pair rested their foreheads together, turning their attention to Kaiden, and offering a chance for him to make his own declaration.
“I mostly just love me, but I suppose…” Kaiden’s face burned bright red. “Kidding. I don’t love myself. That would involve healthy self-esteem. Kidding again. Mostly. Definitely.”
Sometimes Kaiden hated himself for deflecting serious emotions with crappy humor, but at the end of the day, sarcasm helped him keep a safe distance from things that frightened him.
And while he cared so deeply for Rus and Dylan, he sometimes worried what would happen when he handed them his heart entirely.
All the same, Kaiden wanted to be happy and honest.
“I do love you both.” Kaiden smiled with blurry eyes. “So much so it scares me.”
“Why’s that?” Dylan asked.
“Because for the first time in my life, I feel complete. You both bring me to life in different ways.” Kaiden’s heart raced. “I feel safe with you, seen by you, and I want you both to see me. All of me.”
Kaiden backstepped, leaving them on the bed as he approached the bathroom. Before either of them could speak, he raised a finger to gesture that he needed a moment. Oh God, how Kaiden needed a moment. More than a moment, really. A lifetime.
As he stood alone in the bathroom, slowly unfastening the loops of his corset vest, dread bubbled inside him. It choked him up, making each inhale that much harder. Still, he pushed through it.
Once he’d taken off his corset vest, the freedom allowed Kaiden to take a deep, shaky breath. Afterward, he sucked in his gut, already feeling ugly. And he hadn’t even done the hardest part yet.
Kaiden fixated on the reflection of his buttons in the mirror.
One by one, he delicately opened his dress shirt, but he couldn’t bring himself to look after he’d slipped off his top.
He stood alone in the bathroom, exposed from the waist up and unable to simply take in his reflection.
Still, if he planned to be seen by Dylan and Rus, truly seen, then he needed to face his body, too.
Kaiden took in his reflection, at first locked onto the chest muscles below his collarbone, then the muscles of his shoulders and biceps, the parts of him that’d improved so much after years of healthy progress.
But eventually, he slowly moved his gaze down to the parts of his body he rarely glimpsed.
The parts of himself that he hated taking in all at once.
Yes, Kaiden saw his stomach every time he changed his shirt or hopped in a shower, but he never stared for long, never really examined himself fully, because he still carried so much shame.
Despite flexing his stomach muscles as tightly as possible, there were no cute abs poking out.
Only saggy skin that hung from his chest and stomach.
Stretch marks added blemishes to his otherwise embarrassingly ghostly skin, pale from never even attempting to remove his shirt to tan.
What would Dylan and Rus think if they saw him naked? Saw every flaw he tried to hide from them?
Kaiden was tired of hiding himself. If he really wanted to be with Dylan and Rus, then he needed them to see who he was underneath it all.
“Since we talked about what ifs and where we see this going in the future,” Kaiden said from inside the bathroom, slowly creeping out into the main corridor of the apartment.
“I thought you both deserved to see who I really am underneath everything. And if you’re grossed out, it’s okay.
There are things about my body that are permanently changed after weighing 340 pounds. ”
Rus and Dylan sat up on the bed, staring at Kaiden as he stepped out of the bathroom, shirtless. Even with his slacks still on, he felt completely naked in front of them for the first time. They saw his every flaw and remained speechless.
Kaiden shamefully folded his arms over his chest, hiding his saggy pecs.
“I…” He couldn’t form words. The lump in his throat grew, and he knew soon enough his eyes would water.
Before he could retreat back to the bathroom, Dylan stood to his left, grabbing hold of one of his arms. It startled Kaiden, taking him aback so much so that he surrendered his hand to Dylan.
Then he noticed Rus on his right side, grabbing hold of his other arm, delicately moving it back to Kaiden’s side.
Kaiden stood silent, unsure how to feel having them both so close to him, invading his space, seeing his body so close up. It was a mistake, a horror show he should’ve never shared.
“You’re beautiful,” Rus said, gently kissing Kaiden’s chest.
“Absolutely breathtaking,” Dylan added, caressing his hand over Kaiden’s stomach.
Kaiden almost collapsed right then and there, baffled by their reaction.
They continued kissing his body, tracing their fingers over his skin, and Kaiden buzzed from the sensations.
He’d never allowed anyone to see him shirtless.
Not since he was eight years old. Not once.
Not in the shower. Not at a pool. Not anywhere ever.
Slowly, they made their way back to the bed, continuing to kiss each other.
Kaiden lost himself in the bliss, the pleasure of their embrace.
They didn’t have sex immediately. Much of what happened next involved kissing and cuddling and losing themselves in each other.
It became impossible to tell where one of them started and the next one ended.
Soon, they were all naked, on top of the covers, and for the first time in Kaiden’s life, he didn’t feel shame over his body. Even surrounded by these two gorgeous men, he felt just as beautiful. Just as worthy.
Kaiden spent the following morning out on the balcony, staring at the all-too-scenic view of the apartment complex parking lot. A truly spectacular sight as he took deep drags from his vape. Admittedly, the huge clouds of strawberry smoke helped distract him.
The sliding glass door rattled behind him, and Rus stepped out, tucking his arms into his T-shirt sleeves.
“Burr.” Rus’ teeth chattered. “You realize you can smoke inside.”
“Yeah,” Kaiden said wistfully. “Just needed to clear my head.”
“You okay?” Rus asked, poking his hands through the opening of his shirt and sparking a cigarette.
He looked kind of like a grumpy dinosaur with his tiny arms hidden beneath his horror shirt and his hands just barely sticking out underneath his chin.
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?” Rus asked, exhaling smoke. “Is it about last night?”
“No, not at all.”