Chapter 16
Sixteen
VIOLET
Exhausted, I lock the door behind me as I enter my apartment. I may have only been gone for two days, but stepping into the depressing space of my bedroom makes it feel like it's been months.
There's something about visiting my mom and family that alters me. Many times I feel sadder and weighed down after seeing them because they remind me of my mistakes and what I've lost.
This visit was healing. My mom had some very blunt wisdom to share, and it was exactly what I needed.
Coddling is nice, but I needed someone to look me in the eye, see me, and tell me how it is.
The fact of the matter is, I'm not going to really grow or learn if I don't face this head-on. I've been battling a war in my mind, but I was still hiding behind pointy objects and loud drums. All the questions and feelings that have been trapped inside need to come out.
Mom seems to think talking to Jamie is a good idea. The glare she leveled at me every time I ignored Jamie's texts would have told me that if she weren't so darn vocal.
Felix, Mom's alphahole man, was actually the one that stuck up for me. Let him sit in the shitstorm he created, sweetheart, he told her. The other three guys agreed and began devising ideas that would be good for Jamie to try when it comes time to grovel.
The truth is that I haven't been punishing Jamie by ignoring him. I needed space. It sounds toxic, and not responding wasn't the best choice I made, but I don't owe him anything.
He hurt me. He also sparked a tsunami of feelings that sent me running home to process what the hell was going on with me.
Now home and faced with my bare bedroom, I feel different. Like I really need to get some pictures set up on my nightstands and put some artwork on the walls.
This room is me. Bare. Minimalistic. And dull.
Everything I never used to be.
And exactly what I don't want to be.
This room is me. We both have potential, and we're crying out for life and color.
With that thought in mind, I pull my phone out of my hoodie pocket and slump onto my bed. "Alright, Jamie. What do you have to say to me?" I murmur at the dark screen.
Turning it on, I send a quick message to Mom and Roman that I made it home safely, then I'm ready to face my fears.
Jamie Murphy has a lot to say.
His messages start incredibly frantic and apologetic. Exasperation bleeds into his words as we get closer to today’s date. He wants to know if I'm safe and begs for me to allow him the chance to apologize in person.
I can feel the anger through the screen as I read the messages from this evening. Again he's asking me where I am, and if I'm coming home soon. That's all he asks, but I can tell there's more he wanted to text me.
"Cassidy!" I call out as I stand.
Skipping into my doorway wearing nothing but a towel, Cassidy smiles at me. "Hey, I rushed through my shower to come see you!"
She looks so happy to see me that I can't help but smile. "Missed you. Did Jamie come here? I got a text asking when I would come home, so he must know I wasn't here."
Her face twists into a scowl. "Yeah, he was here like an hour ago demanding I tell him where you were."
"Did you tell him I went home for a few days?" I should have known Jamie would have come to find me if I ignored him. He's always so pushy. No way would he take my silence as acceptable after our fight.
A sly smirk tugs on her freckles around her face, so I brace myself for what she's about to say. "No. I didn't tell him where you were or who you were with."
"But?" No way that's all she said. She looks way too proud of herself for that to be all.
Cassidy turns around and heads to her bedroom. I'm hot on her heels waiting with bated breath for her to tell me what happened. My heart is pounding, and I'm not quite sure why.
My friend disappears into her closet, but I wait, knowing she's getting dressed. I'm not surprised when she comes out in a short tight dress considering it's Friday.
Bypassing me, she sits in front of her floor-length mirror and starts applying her makeup. "He asked if you were with a guy. The vein in his forehead almost burst when I told him you were actually with four men. Maybe six, since there was a possibility your mama's male friends were visiting too."
"Jesus," I breathe, scrubbing my hands down my face. "Please tell me you told him they were family and didn't make me sound like a hussy."
Frowning into the mirror, Cassidy looks at me in the reflection. "I left it open for interpretation because I thought it didn't matter."
My breath explodes out of me as I throw my hands in the air. "Of course it matters, Cass! Why would you do that?!"
"Why does it matter?" Her voice is so damn calm it makes my annoyance rise, which, if I were using my brain, I would realize is her intent.
"Because now Jamie will think I slept with a ton of other men after our fight!"
"So?"
My chest inflates as I prepare to bellow that I don't want Jamie to think that about me because it matters. Because he matters.
Instead of falling for her sneaky trap to get me to admit my feelings, I shift our conversation as the need to see Jamie grows. "I'll DD for you tonight."
Cassidy smirks. "You going to see him, huh?"
Flipping her off over my shoulder, I walk out of her room to freshen up. I'm not sure what I plan on saying to Jamie tonight. I just know I have to see him. To hear his voice. I need him to wrap me in his acceptance and encourage me to open up.
I don't bother texting him, but it's not a conscious choice. Many times I show up at his place looking for a good time.
This will be a tough time, but it's the only next step.
No more running.
For mid-January, the night air isn't as biting as it usually is. So when I find out the club Cassidy is meeting her friends at is a few blocks away from Jamie's apartment, I decide a walk will help clear my head.
I was ready to drive myself to his place, but Cassidy kept asking me questions. Many of them were intrusive and made it obvious she had had a few shots before we left the apartment.
I did my best to tune her out during the drive, but even seven minutes in the car with her in that state was too much.
Now here I am, bundled in my winter coat and not feeling all that bad for Cassidy as she stands in line in her teeny dress. A man she walks up to wraps his arms around her, making my jealousy flare.
I already told her goodbye, so I quickly turn my back and start my stroll to Jamie's place. The next two blocks are thumping with nightlife, forcing me to weave through stumbling groups and women complaining about the winter freezing their cleavage off.
By the third block, things calm down a little. Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I groan when I realize I left my wallet in the car. Whatever, I can use Tap to Pay if I have an emergency.
Glancing around, I take in the buildings and squint to find Jamie's down the road. With an intentional deep breath, I sift through my thoughts.
I'm ready to talk to Jamie about how I've closed myself off from connection. Honestly, if he's willing to wait while I work through some of my issues, I might want to try something serious with him. I think. Questions and getting to know him will come first.
Mama's advice wraps around my anxiety and gives me guidance until every sense of sanity is ripped away from me with a shrill scream that burns my vocal cords.
A thick arm coils around my throat as the stench of stale beer assaults my nose. "Give me your purse."
"I don't—" I croak, clawing at the man’s arm. Unable to find purchase on his slippery puffy jacket, I continue to struggle as he digs through my jacket.
My phone is in my bra along with my car key. Relief floods me when I register that he won't have anything to steal from me.
"You fucking bitch! Give me something!" He turns frantic, releasing my neck, but I don't have the chance to suck in oxygen before he's shoving me to the ground.
A foot to my right hip makes me cry out and sends me spiraling into a full-fledged panic attack. Losing sight of the man as my jacket is tugged and ripped has me freaking out.
Blackness makes my vision tunnel, and suddenly all I can think about is everything that happened to my mama. Will this man hurt me like my mom was hurt? Oh my god. Can I survive this? I'm not as strong as Blue.
I'm not strong...I think to myself as I lose sight of the world around me. Weightlessness steals my senses, and I'm gone.
Not. Strong.