Chapter 4
Four
NATE
“We're getting close." My statement in the car's silence feels sharp and laced with possibility. Ellis doesn't respond or even tilt his head to look at me. He just sits there, head resting against the window, eyes hardly blinking.
Jamie's red taillights ahead of us should be my main focus, but fucking hell, Ellis is worrying me. He's barely said a word in the past three and a half hours since we got on the road.
"Ellis," I rumble, and reach a hand out to touch his thigh. He doesn't pull away from me, thank fuck, but he also doesn't seem to notice my touch. I'm not sure what would be worse, actually.
I allow him some more silence with only the low hum of the radio to fill the inside of the car. The music isn't helping to keep my racing thoughts at bay. I'm trying not to wonder what Violet is thinking. There's our betrayal and what might have happened to her before we ruined everything.
Is she okay? Hurt?
We know that she wasn't running from us at the beginning, but she is now. I just really fucking hope she's bolting with her body intact, even if we've broken her heart.
I can't stop stressing over the possibility that she was hurt while we were thinking the worst of her. God damn it, I was so mad for a few hours when I thought she was ghosting us again.
Trauma has a fucked up way of showing up at the worst times. I should have given her the benefit of the doubt and talked Ellis off the edge. Then there's the fact that I wish Ellis' issues didn't loosen his lips and shatter his filter.
We fucked up, plain and simple.
Just because the words came from Ellis' mouth doesn't mean I didn't think them at some point today, too. It also doesn't mean it's only his shame to bear.
His pain and regret are obvious just from a glance. If a bystander wasn't privy to our day, they'd guess something horrible happened. I can practically feel the gruelling guilt in his gut, but that may just be my own.
Ellis is a good man. An emotional one who doesn't think before he acts, but he is good. He loves so hard and feels so deeply. Unfortunately, the woman we love is also the woman who bruised his ability to trust. And Ellis, with trust issues, is a man who makes questionable choices.
"I love you," I murmur, throat thick with emotion.
All I keep thinking about is how I've failed him. I should have ensured he went to therapy after losing Violet. Hell, I should have gone too.
It's taken me a long time to accept I also have some deep feelings. Growing up without a father suppressed the soft side of me. He died when my mom was pregnant with me—car accident.
My brother, who is six years older than me, drilled it into my psyche that we had to be strong for Mom. Taking care of her and protecting our family was the most important part of our lives.
I know Mom tried to get us to calm down with the overprotectiveness, but Sebastian, my brother, witnessed her depression and struggles for years before I was able to talk.
Then he moved out once he was eighteen, and Mom really went to town to help me curb the overwhelming need to take care of her and the house.
Tina Cook is the best mother in the world. She's kind, caring, and so damn gentle; I believe those traits were handed down to me. Still to this day, she continues to foster my gentle side.
If she could see me now, she would have no issue sitting my ass down and lecturing me until the sun came up. Why haven't I told her about Violet being back in our lives? Maybe I subconsciously knew it was too good to be true.
"I love you too," Ellis whispers. When his fingers wrap around mine on his thigh, I swear my shoulders drop three inches in relief. "Do you want to swap?"
Surprised by his offer, since I was convinced he was half alive over there, I glance at him. His eyes glow in the light of the car and passing streetlights as we get closer to Chicago. He's beautiful even with his features drawn in despair.
"No, darling. You rest. I bet we'll be there soon."
He nods absentmindedly, and I know I’ve made the right choice. No way would he be able to focus on the road, let alone keep track of Jamie's car.
Traffic is obviously light in the middle of the night, but the closer we get to the big city, the more vehicles are on the road.
"Ellis." I squeeze his thigh, hoping he'll pay attention to me. "Everything will be okay."
He huffs a small sound, but at least he's fucking breathing. "How do you know?"
The urge to scrub my hands anxiously through my beard is strong, but I refuse to let go of Ellis, and I have to hold on to the steering wheel. "Because I know we will do everything in our power to make it right again."
Ellis is quiet for a moment, making me think he's ignoring my declaration, but he speaks once again. "Everything? Because I can be pretty fucking annoying when I want something."
"And what do you want, darling?" Come on, Ellis. Fight for this. Wake up.
"Us. All four of us. I don't care what I have to do, but I'll force my way into their lives again if you let me. The right way this time."
Glancing at him, I smirk. Ellis can be a demanding, persistent fucker, and that's exactly what we need. "Permission granted."