Chapter 41
Forty-One
VIOLET
Mom's in town for a few days. She said she and her men needed a small vacation and they were all itching to check on me. It's not that I don't believe her, it's just a gut feeling that there's more.
I know Jamie, Nate, and Ellis were a bit on edge when I told them I had plans with my mom today. They didn't think my joke about running away with her was funny.
I needed a reprieve from my thoughts for a moment, so I kissed them silly and turned them on each other as I slipped away. There's something about the way Mom has been lately that makes me wonder if something's going on.
The guilty voice in the back of my head has been running wild trying to figure out if I missed something and messed up again. I don't know what I would do if I caused Mama harm...again.
But she's here; she's sitting across from me. There's no way in heck I'm letting her out of my sight until she tells me what's going on. If someone is after her, I'll be stuck to her like glue.
Nate, Ellis, and Jamie will be the first to know if I have to go into hiding with Mom. As much as I don't want to leave them behind, I need to protect her because I didn't seven years ago.
It was my fault she was kidnapped. It's on me that we were unprepared for the worst. I can't let that happen again.
The longer she sits there with her blue hair curled around her shoulders and her hand plucking a napkin to shreds, the more I feel lightheaded. She's being super shifty and incredibly strange. Beautiful though. Blue is always beautiful.
"Violet, take a sip of water before you pass out," Mom suggests with a look of concern.
I do as she says because it's clearly a big deal. And I'll probably need something in my stomach. Who knows the next time we'll be able to stop for food and water?
Oh my god. I should have packed a bag.
Mom reaches across the table and takes my trembling hand in hers. "Okay, because you're on the verge of a panic attack, I'll just come right out and say it." Then she fucking pauses and takes a deep breath.
"Are you dying? Is someone after you?" I blurt, my anxiety quite literally exploding out of me.
"Shit, V, no. I'm sorry, I should have known this would scare you. Okay." She sighs, and I swear to hell my spine is about to snap in half due to how rigid I am.
"Mama!" I snap.
"I'm pregnant."
Silence. Holy shit. "You are?" I breathe, blinking repeatedly, my eyes already burning with tears.
She bites her bottom lip and nods hesitantly. If I knew how she felt about it, my reaction would come easier. Maybe that's how she feels about me right now too.
Yet I just sit here, staring, trying to understand what this means. "Do the guys know?" I ask and begin racking my brain for any clues I might have missed.
"Oh yes," Blue says, nodding with more energy now.
"All four of them have been ridiculously protective.
I'm trying not to be offended that I'm being treated like glass, but I know we're all a little worried about the fact that I'm thirty-six.
My body isn't in its prime, you know..." she trails off and yanks new worries to the surface for me.
"Was this...planned?" I ask, uncertain how to voice my questions. I have many but I don't want to overwhelm her like I am. My heart has taken up residence in my throat and I'm trembling.
Mom purses her lips and takes a sip of water. Water. She didn't drink during our girl’s night. She fucking slept through more of it! "Not planned but not avoided. I had my IUD removed over a year ago and we just haven't been careful."
"And the guys? They're happy? They want this? If they're giving you a hard time—"
"Violet, sweetheart," she coos, giving me a soft look and an even gentler hand hold. "We hoped for a baby. I never said anything because I wasn't sure if it would happen, but now that it has and we're two months in, I couldn't wait to tell you."
"I—" My voice cracks, and I tighten my hold on her hand. The urge to cry is so freaking strong, but I hold it back with a quiet sniffle and jump to my feet instead. "Congratulations!"
I notice two tears drip from her lashes right before she embraces me. Clinging to my mom, I imagine what life will be like from here on out. Will we still call all the time? If I need some alone time with her, will she make it happen?
"This changes a lot of things," Mom whispers in my ear. "Except my love for you."
The sob I had been trying to diminish breaks free, and I bury my face in her shoulder. "I love you."
She nods in response to my whimper. "We won't change. You'll forever be my best friend, the girl who changed my life for the better, my partner, my kid, and my fucking soulmate. You hear me?"
"Yes," I reply, trying to match the strong conviction in her tone. "Biologically though—"
"No," she snaps and pulls back. Resting her hands on my shoulders, she looks me right in the eye and declares, "No kid of mine will ever worry about our biological connection. This is the last time I want to hear you try to bring up the fact that we're cousins."
"Will you tell your baby? Am I their sister or cousin or where do I fit?"
The slight panic is back because I never saw this coming. I thought it would always be me and my mom. The support system she has created is never ending but it's always been us against the monsters.
"We can tell them if they ask. You're a big sister first, foremost, and forever. Okay?" So much sympathy and understanding flicker in her gaze, making me feel guilty for my selfish response to her amazing news.
Ushering her into her chair and ignoring her eye roll over my careful behavior, I flip my tune. "Have you thought of names?"
On the outside I won't give her the opportunity to worry about how I'm feeling about this new development. A baby...
"Guess," Mom teases with a grin that makes me groan.
It's my turn to roll my eyes. "Scarlett, Rose, Olive, Slate and Gray."
A burst of laughter springs from her lips, and she flings her head back. People around the restaurant turn to stare, but I don't blame them. The energy Blue Bennett carries is strong and alluring.
"You got me!" She giggles with a hand on her chest. "The only one I didn't think of was Slate for a boy. That's a good one."
She pulls her phone out and types for a moment. Probably a list of baby names in her notes or something. Allowing her joy to infect me, I wiggle in my seat. "You don't think having a family with the names Violet, Blue, and Slate would be strange?"
"Sweetheart," she admonishes, laying her phone back down. "We're already strange. I have bright as hell blue hair. Yours is purple. We literally match our names by our own choice."
Humming, I pluck a strand to inspect it. "Maybe I'll just be only blonde."
"No!" She swats at me. "I love it. When this baby comes out of my poor vagina, I hope they have pink or gray hair or something."
Shaking my head at her antics, I bask in her happiness. There were too many years Mama was hyper focused on basic necessities like clothes, food, water, shelter, and safety above all. I love hearing her fuss over hair color and names.
At the end of our meal, the four men in love with my mom waltz in and whisk her away with so much care that it brings tears to my eyes. They each hug me and tell me they love me, but the whole time I want to leave. The arms I want around me aren't my mom's husbands’. I want Nate, Jamie, and Ellis.
The entire drive to Nate's house, I pick through my thoughts and feelings. Why do I need them so badly? I'm not upset about having a sibling, nor am I mad about my mom being pregnant.
I do know that I'm worried and feeling insecure. And that the only place I want to be is with them.
So when I pull into their driveway and see Jamie's car already here I breathe a sigh of relief. When I walk in and am immediately surrounded by Nate and Ellis, I cry.
I cry really fucking hard for the many versions of myself that have led to me feeling scared and uncertain about the family changes coming. I know Nate and Ellis are worried; Jamie looks ready to throw hands when I see him enter the room, but he stays back.
They ask me what's wrong and I tell them, of course. There's no reason to hide or lie or keep them at arm’s length because...well there's one thing I know for certain.
"When I found out, there was only one place I wanted to be. I felt lost, and all I wanted was you," I say, and make a point to make eye contact with all three of my men. My stare lingers on Nate and Ellis for the rest of what I need to say. "I forgive you."
"Violet..." Nate's eyes widen. Ellis sucks in a breath of surprise and I'm sure many other emotions.
Cutting him off, I stand tall and hold their hands.
"I forgive you but I know myself well enough to acknowledge that forgetting won't be simple or easy.
So, can you handle the possibility that years down the road I may have days where I cry over the mistakes we've made?
I'll have moments of insecurity and uncertainty. Can you handle that?"
"Yes, of course," Ellis promises.
"You have my word," Nate vows.
No hesitation. They understand the risk of loving an anxious person. There's no guaranteeing that the things I've been through, the pain I've caused and the hurt I've suffered will be gone someday.
At the end of the day, no matter how strong I may be, my vulnerabilities are still there.
But...want to hear something pretty cool?
I didn't need my mom today.
Sometimes a girl just needs the loves of her life.