Chapter 28
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
THE HEATHEN
Killian lies beside me and takes me into his arms. I can’t help but notice how different Killian is from before. Stroking his fingers down my arm, his eyes tracking the movement, the expression on his face says this is more than sex. The way he’s touching me is dangerous.
“If I’m not careful, I might believe I matter to him.”
Lifting his eyes to mine, he stares at me, curiously, and I realize I spoke out loud.
“Fuck. That was not for you to hear!” I blurt out before covering my mouth in embarrassment.
Chuckling softly, he pulls my hand away from my face and kisses me on the forehead.
“Yes, Killer. You matter to me.” His voice is thick with emotion, his eyes intense as his gaze burns into mine.
“You mean a lot to me, baby. It’s my fault you doubt me. If you give me time, I’ll prove it to you.”
There’s that word again.
Time.
Something I’m not sure we have much of.
Pulling me tighter, his embrace is warm and unexpected.
He has never held me, but I like it. Maybe more than I should. Placing my head on his chest, I settle my hand over his rose tattoo.
“Why is your safe word donut?”
I lift my head and look at him with surprise, as I’m sure I misunderstood what he said.
“What?”
“Your safe word. Why is it donut?”
I take a deep breath before answering. He probably thinks it’s a simple distaste for them, but it goes much deeper than that. Carter and Knox have never asked me why I chose that word, but I’m sure they probably have wondered too.
“I loved donuts when I was little. It was my favorite food in the world.
When Jedediah forced me to marry him, I tried to fight him off a lot—sexually.
He got tired of having to hold me down constantly and started a reward system.
If I took it without complaint, I got a donut.
The donuts were a reward for ‘godly behavior.’ I took them and enjoyed them until one day it hit me—I was trading my body for a fucking donut.
I was never brainwashed like some of the girls.
They believed his words. He convinced them that God had given him their bodies as an act of love.
I knew it was wrong—my body is mine and I should have a choice.
As time went on, I was ashamed that I could be bought so easily, and donuts became symbolic of pain and torture.
It became a visual representation of everything he took from me.
My body.
My innocence.
My childhood.
My ability to have children.
He took all those things, but the worst is that he took me.
I didn’t even know who I was until after I left.
It wasn’t until I was alone for weeks, sitting on a rock and throwing stones into the water, that it all hit me.
This was my purpose. I am a monster created by my father.
I sat there with a cross in my hand and formulated my plan.
The very thing they used to keep victims scared and obedient would be how they would die. It was poetic justice.”
Killian runs his fingers through my hair as he swallows hard.
“How long ago did you run?”
I stare at his tattoo as I trace the petals of the rose with my forefinger.
“Nine years ago. I was fifteen years old.”
The sadness in his eyes is profound, as if he physically feels the pain I’ve endured. Something I never expected from Killian.
“I’m sorry, baby. I swear to you, after the fight, we’ll put a plan in place for you to kill every one of them.”
He moves his hand to my cheek and strokes his fingers back and forth in a repetitive motion, his gaze far away and lost in thought.
“Are there women? Or only men?”
I nod and sigh, admitting the painful truth.
“There are women. My mother, my aunts. The women who not only allowed it but enforced it. And sometimes participated in my abuse.”
Killian watches me with an intense gaze. It’s compassionate and filled with emotion, but not judgment like before. I remember the words Carter spoke about him.
“He has always acted like a father, or an older brother, even though we’re obviously all the same age.
When we found our mom, Knox and I fell apart.
We started drinking a lot and got arrested a few times.
It was bad. Killian is what saved us. I know he’s been a dick to you, and you have no reason to like him, but he's always been our anchor. I hope at some point he’ll show you the real man he is, because what you’ve seen so far isn’t it.
Right now, all he sees when he looks at you is a threat to our family, and hopefully one day, he’ll realize he’s wrong. ”
With a giggle, I say, “Will the real Killian please stand up?”
The laughter that erupts from his throat is beautiful and far too rare.
“You know Eminem but not Prince?”
“Abigail played it. She’s older than me and heard it at school before all the shit started. I don’t want to talk about my past right now. Is there music here?”
He taps his fingers on his temple, his lips lifting into a small, devilish smirk.
“Of course we have music here. What do you want to hear?”
My response rolls easily off my tongue because I’ve been curious since he first mentioned it.
“I want to hear Prince.”
He chuckles and turns me over onto my back before kissing my neck.
“Get ready to have your mind blown, baby.”
I watch his naked body move to a CD player on his desk, and he pops in a disc and selects number nine, clearly looking for a specific song.
It opens with a beautiful guitar, and I close my eyes as I listen to the words that I know mean something to Killian. I smile when I hear the words purple rain.
Kill places his arm under my back and around my shoulder as he strokes his fingers down my arm as we listen together. The song ends and I open my eyes to his boyish grin.
“Sorry, Killer. I don’t have Eminem.”
I lay my head on his shoulder and place my hand on the side of his neck, feeling the warmth of his skin against my palm.
“I don’t know if things will change between us tomorrow and go back to the way they were”-
Pausing, I take in a shaky breath.
“But thank you for tonight. This has been more than I ever expected.”
Turning onto his side, he presses his lips to mine in a quick but soft kiss.
“Tomorrow when you wake up, nothing will have changed. I will still be completely obsessed with you. I don’t go around telling women I love them on a whim. If I say it, I mean it.”
I turn into him and bury my head against his chest, wanting to ask a question but feeling terrified of the answer.
“How many women were you with while I was gone?”
With his free hand, he cups my chin and lifts my head.
“Look at me.”
I raise my eyes to his and wait for his response, now regretting asking the question.
“None. I didn’t even consider fucking another woman. There have been no other women since before I met you. And there won’t be.”
That can’t be true. Is he lying to me?
“Tell me the truth, Killian. I know you are not being honest. Remember Cinnamon, because I sure fucking do. She was in your bed. What was it that you said? She’s wet and ready for you, brother.”
He flinches at my words.
“I was an asshole, but I never touched her. After Knox wouldn’t come with me, I sent her away. You and I were nothing then. I have no reason to lie to you now, baby.”
I put my arm around his back and cuddle against him, suddenly feeling exhausted.
“It’s going to take time to build trust. I hope I can get there, but I honestly don’t know.”
He kisses my cheek softly.
“Take all the time you need, baby. All the time in the world. I’m not going anywhere.”
God, I hope he’s right. But I’m all too aware that this fight could take him from us.
“Get some sleep, gorgeous girl,” he mumbles into my hair, pulling me from my thoughts. I kiss his chest and let out a sigh of contentment, then slowly drift off in his arms.