Chapter 18 Oliver
Oliver
He’s been too busy to post.
And even I miss his videos and pictures, despite being in the same room as him all the time lately.
I tap out a comment for the first time in a while, even though it feels strange now.
Hercules2210: Take all the time you need. Take care of yourself, Dragonfly.
After Niko and I have been alone in the living room for a couple of minutes, the sound of footsteps on the hardwood comes back toward us.
My brother’s coming back, and I pull in a sharp breath of air, collecting myself.
I use the back of my hand to wipe off a stray tear, and I lean away from him.
“Thank you,” I tell him softly. “For trusting me.”
Even after everything he just said, Niko smiles softly at me. “Who says I trust you, boyfriend?”
I puff out a breathy laugh and try to act normal.
He’s here.
He’s still here, and he could have… not been.
And that makes me feel far too many things, all at once.
Niko leans back onto the couch, pulling away from me and bringing out his phone, trying to act normal again, too.
And something about it seems like a gift, now.
Something simple.
Him, sitting next to me on my family’s couch, looking so jaw-droppingly beautiful that it practically hurts to witness him.
Alive.
Knowing that I may never have gotten to do all this with him… it’s unthinkable. I want to reach out and hold him, keep him close for the rest of the night. For the rest of my fucking life.
And a hot, heavy feeling lands in my chest.
I’m falling for Niko.
I’m completely, idiotically falling for a man who has no potential of ever becoming my actual boyfriend.
Adrenaline courses through my body, and I feel like I’m losing my mind. But even glancing at Niko’s eyelashes is suddenly making me feel weak, like I have to stay close to him or everything else in my life will feel wrong.
How could anyone ever hurt him?
And how can I make sure it never fucking happens again?
When Aaron comes back to the living room, Niko’s idly looking down at his phone screen, checking Instagram as we lean back on the couch.
“Yo, that picture was fresh,” Aaron says, his eyes instantly glued to Niko’s phone screen as he plops down next to him. “What is that?”
“My Insta,” Niko says.
I clear my throat.
“And you don’t need to look at it,” I attempt to interject.
But Niko just shrugs, handing Aaron the phone. “It’s fine.”
My brother’s presence is at least tying me back down to Earth, after I’d felt like I was floating into the goddamn stratosphere.
Aaron scrolls through Niko’s Insta page.
Usually, I’d be worried that an X-rated notification might pop up on Niko’s phone, but before we went on this trip, Niko went through his settings and muted and locked down every potentially bad notification on his phone. It’s safe.
But I still would rather not have my brother looking through Niko’s Instagram, anyway.
It makes me feel so exposed, having a family member see pictures of us where we look like a sweet couple, knowing that it’s all going to have to end in January.
Now my brother’s probably going to follow Niko’s account, and I know he’s going to pester the living shit out of me when the breakup comes.
“Wow,” Aaron says, scrolling through the photos. “Dude. Niko, you are so much fucking cooler than my brother.”
I reach past Niko and give my brother a shove. “Shut up, Aaron.”
“No offense, Ollie,” Aaron says, laughing. “These pictures are so cool. You really should go into photography. How do you get it to look like that?”
“I have an app where I can tune the colors and shadows to get them exactly how I want them.”
The two of them start to nerd out about photography, lighting, and colors for the next ten minutes.
And I watch my brother bond with Niko.
Because life couldn’t get any fucking weirder, apparently.
Aaron insists on turning on his new favorite zombie show afterward, and we all watch together.
The side of my body is pressed up against Niko’s as we relax into the couch. I’m hyper aware of it, but every time I move off a little, he adjusts and we’re touching again.
I don’t know if he’s doing it on purpose. But I want it so badly my chest starts to ache again.
Have I felt normal at all since Niko came into my life? It’s been day after day of nonstop change in my world. Changes I’ve wanted for a long time, and some that I haven’t.
If I could do it all over again, would I?
One thought rings out over all the rest.
Of course I fucking would. I would do all of this for him, again and again.
The room is warm. After a couple of episodes, under the blankets and cozy next to him, I start to doze off every time I blink my eyes.
When the music at the end of the third episode sounds out, I wake up with a start, blinking over at Niko.
“I think it’s past Ollie’s bedtime,” Niko says. “Was fun hanging out, though, Aaron. We can watch more tomorrow.”
“Mhm. Tomorrow,” I mumble.
“Peace,” Aaron says, hopping off the couch and heading out fast. He bounds away to the stairs that lead down to the basement, where his room is.
“Your brother’s fun,” Niko says.
“He thinks you’re cooler than me.”
“I mean, I obviously am.”
I shove Niko and he laughs, putting his hands on my forearms. “Joking. Joking. Obviously you’re the cooler one.”
“You smell good,” I murmur, still drowsy.
“I smell like wine. I think you just like wine, Oliver.”
“I like you and I like wine. Can’t it be both?”
“You’re actually telling me you like me? Now I know you’re overly tired. Bed. Come on.”
I manage to get up from the cozy cocoon on the couch and I lead Niko up the stairs quietly. My parents’ room is on one end of the top floor, and my old bedroom is on the opposite end.
The floorboards crack a little under our feet, and a nightlight plugged in low on the wall is the only light in the hall.
“I used to walk down this hall after hockey games and think about how much you hated me,” I tell him in a low whisper.
“I never hated you. Just wanted to end your high school hockey career.”
I snort. “I really would have been your friend, even back then. You were so fucking stubborn.”
“I was just obsessed with winning. I didn’t have a problem with you in particular. Well. Maybe I did.”
I push open my bedroom door and flip the switch that turns on my bedside lamp. The room is cast in a warm, dim light, and I’m surrounded by my entire childhood, all in one place.
Trophies along shelves, most of which were just participation trophies from when I was a scrawny kid in every sport.
Framed posters from a bunch of movies.
My navy comforter and baby blue bedsheets.
“Nice posters,” Niko says, looking all around.
“Thanks. I had them tacked up on the wall for a long time until Emily told me I look trashy if I don’t frame them.”
“Your sister and your brother have good taste.”
I strip off all of my clothes, unceremoniously, until I’m just wearing my boxer briefs. I get into the bed and under the covers, and can’t help but groan with pleasure.
“Fuck, this bed is comfortable. I’m on a marshmallow. I’m in a cloud.”
I reach over and turn out the light, and all I feel, for right now, is pure bliss.
“I am going to fuck you so hard in this bed tomorrow. I hope you realize that,” Niko says after he strips off his clothes and gets in next to me. “And by the way, Merry Christmas.”
I glance over at my little neon alarm clock and realize it’s long past midnight.
“Merry Christmas,” I tell him.
The faint glow of the big Christmas lights outside the house comes in from the edges of my window shades.
Already, each time I blink, I feel like I could fall asleep again.
And Niko is behind me.
In this bed.
Right there.
I feel the weight of his arm land around the side of my body under the covers. I feel like my bones are made of lead, but every cell in my body wishes I could just force myself to be more awake, to be with him every moment that I can.
I want to turn over toward him.
I want him to hold me in his arms like this while I kiss him, endlessly.
I want to freeze time and fuck him, over and over, and then let him do it to me, too.
Something sparks inside me, even as I’m half-asleep, some part of me hopes he doesn’t stop touching me.
But a few minutes later I hear his breathing even out, and I know he’s dozing off just as much as I am.
No.
If I sleep, this is just another day that ends.
Another day closer to January. When all of this will be over.
The sound of a slamming door jars me awake rudely some time later, and as I squint my eyes open, I see that it’s not even daylight yet.
I look at my alarm clock and see that it’s 4:39 in the morning.
I’m even more tired than I was before, my body still trying to sink back into sleep.
But then I hear the low tone of Dad’s voice coming from downstairs.
“I don’t fucking care!” I hear Emily shout.
And something hardens in my chest.
Niko moves on the bed next to me, and I turn over to see him squinting up at me.
“What’s going on?” Niko asks.
A door slams again louder this time, and a heavy sinking feeling fills my chest. “It’s Emily. Fuck. I’ll be back.”
I tug on a pair of thick sweatpants and toss a white T-shirt on before heading downstairs.
I see my dad at the kitchen table in a flannel robe, and behind his glasses he looks just as tired as I feel.
And the expression on his face is grim.
“What happened?” I ask.
“Just go back to bed, sweetie,” Mom’s raspy voice comes from behind me. She comes in from the door that leads to the backyard, and a chill gust of air follows her inside.
“What’s happening with Emily?”
I’ve never seen my mom look sadder in my life.
“Your sister came back from Cheyenne’s house and I was downstairs getting a glass of water,” Mom says. “She smelled like cigarettes. And the moment I spoke to her, it was clear that she’s… she’s blackout drunk.”
My heart feels like a stone in my chest.
“Emily?” I ask.
My sister only recently turned 16.