37. PARKER
THIRTY-SEVEN
PARKER
It’s lucky Knox is here and talking because all I can do is stare. It feels like Connor has socked me in the face.
There are too many questions trying to come out first, from how long has he felt this way to why didn’t he tell me?
Though I have a sneaking, horrible feeling I know the answer to that one.
Did I really tell a man who doesn’t want to be here that he needs to win the Stanley Cup for my dead father ?
What the fuck is wrong with me? Scratch that—the list is too long to stew on, but my lack of social skills really isn’t an excuse here because who the hell says that? Who gets so caught up in their own life that they don’t realize when someone they’re supposed to care about is struggling?
Knox takes a hesitant step forward while Connor watches him, expression tight. “You don’t want to play?”
Connor’s stormy eyes flick toward me for a second. “No.”
“But … but … Out there. The way you play …” Knox says.
He shakes his head. “Just because I’m good at it doesn’t mean I like it. ”
“Since when?” My voice is still croaky when it comes out, like I’m not sure I should be speaking yet.
“It’s been coming on gradually. All season. When I stopped focusing on my brothers and started focusing on myself, it opened my eyes to a lot of good things but also a lot of shit I didn’t want to deal with.”
“And one of those things was hockey?” Knox clarifies. “But you’ve always loved it.”
“No, I’ve always been good at it and worked to be even better because I saw how much my parents sacrificed to get me there.”
A still silence stretches through the room.
This wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision. Apparently, this has been on his mind for a while, and he didn’t talk to me about it, for whatever reason. I’ve talked to him about so much, every insecurity, every past experience that I struggled with, so why did he feel like he couldn’t do the same with me? I’m trying really hard not to look too deeply into it and make this about me, but it’s hard not to ask where the gaps are in our relationship for me to only be hearing about this now.
“You didn’t say anything,” I finally manage.
“I was still working through it.”
“I’m a constant work in progress, but I don’t keep any of the big stuff from you. I want to be your partner, Connor, not some guy who you talk to once you’ve already made a decision.”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t be guilting me into doing shit.”
Aaaand I was right. I’m an idiot. “I’m sorry.” The apology might be automatic, but I mean it. “I thought you loved the game. You’ve been playing incredibly this season, and I didn’t say it to put pressure on you. I was excited. I never would have said anything if I knew.”
Knox takes over. “You’re under a lot of pressure, but this feels really sudden, man. First, you discover you’re queer, and now, you don’t want to play? Discovering yourself doesn’t have to mean that you turn into a totally different person.”
“That’s not what this is,” Connor snaps.
Before Knox can get frustrated, I take over again. “Then what is it? From our side, this is really sudden. You’ve gone from loving your job and being one of the best to being ejected from the game of your career.” I force my feet to unstick from the floor and cross over to sit next to him. His gaze that meets mine is wary. “I know you’re used to doing things yourself, but you don’t have to. You’ve got me, Knox, and Easton.”
Connor sighs. “I think I hate it.”
I’m not expecting that. No one else is either.
Knox actually sounds like he’s choking. “The fuck?”
“There’s so much pressure to be the best, and I’ve felt it since I was young. I hate who I become so that I can play. First high school, ignoring the way my team bullied people, and now I can’t even come out for fucking Pride night and be goddamn proud of my boyfriend and our relationship.”
That sounds like the complete opposite of getting bored of me. I slide my hand into his, and Connor squeezes tight.
“I know that I can come out, but people still can’t know about me and Parker. And that’s messed up. It’s … it’s not worth it anymore. The training, the travel, not being able to give my relationship my all, and knowing that if I do come out, it’s going to add even more attention and pressure to not only me but Easton and Lachie too. At what point does it become okay to say that I’ve had enough?”
Knox crouches in front of us. “Why the hell did you keep all that bottled up? That’s not okay, Con.”
“I … I told East.”
“You did?” Knox looks as confused as I am. “He didn’t say anything either.”
“Yeah, because he’s my brother first, dickhead.” Connor lightly shoves Knox, who thankfully doesn’t stand up and punch him, even though I’m waiting for it .
I’ll eventually get used to insults equaling love.
“Good.” I squeeze Connor’s hand back. “I’m glad you talked to someone.”
“It should have been you.”
As much as I wish it had been, that’s not fair. “No, it should have been whoever you wanted it to be. I’m just glad you knew you had someone there.”
“Parker’s being way too nice,” Knox says. “I’m mortally offended that you didn’t talk to me. Your best friend. Of a billion years. Dick.”
“You’ll get over it.”
And just when I think Knox is going to finally follow through and punch him, he swamps Connor in a hug instead. “I love you, I’m proud of you, and you know I’ve got your back for anything.”
Connor hugs him back, and it’s one of those moments where I’m unsure if I’m supposed to go and let them have this, but then Knox makes my decision for me.
“I’m gonna go and let you two talk.” Knox makes his exit, and now I’m left with nothing but confusion and Connor looking so damn depressed.
“I don’t know what to say,” I start with honesty.
“Yeah …”
“I support you too. Obviously. I think I might need to say it though.”
He slides closer to me on the bench, warm thigh pressed against my leg and fingers still linked between mine. “Even though you really want that Cup?”
I do. That part hasn’t changed. But while it’s all well and good to honor Dad, he’s gone. Connor is sitting right in front of me. The man who’s the best part of my day. Who helped me heal. Who hopefully won’t be going anywhere anytime soon, and he matters. He matters more than a Cup. “It’s lucky I have an entire team out there who all want the same thing I do. ”
His expression is full of skepticism. “You’re not at all disappointed? Really?”
“Of course I’m disappointed that my team will lose a star player and I won’t get to watch you skate anymore. But disappointed in you? No way. Besides, if the team is one person, it isn’t much of a team. If we can’t do it without you, we probably don’t deserve to do it at all.”
He expels an enormous breath and leans forward to press his hands to his face. “I feel like I’m letting everyone down.”
“Here’s an idea,” I say, rubbing his back. “Why don’t you let the rest of us worry about us, and you worry about yourself for a change.”
He glances up at me, eyes tinged red. “I don’t think it’s that simple.”
“It’s exactly that simple.”
Somehow, that gets a tiny smile out of him. “This is why it sucks that I have to keep you a secret. I’m sorry it took me so long to work out how amazing you are.”
I’m not sure about all that, but it’s nice he sees me that way. At least for this moment.
“You got there eventually” is as much as I’m willing to acknowledge his compliment. “As for hockey … what are you going to do about your contract?”
“I haven’t thought that far ahead yet, but I might need to do something I’ve been dreading since the thought of hockey started to make me annoyed.”
“What’s that?”
“I need to talk to my parents.”
I think of Mr. and Mrs. Kikishkin, and while they have their own version of my professional mask, it’s clear they love their sons. “They’re in my owner’s suite. I can take you up there if you want.”
“Maybe.”
“You can do this. ”
“Will you wait for me?” he asks. “I want to come home with you tonight.”
Finally, that relationship angst that I’d bottled up in my chest releases. “Of course. I’ll wait outside all night if I have to.”