Chapter 18 #2
‘Good girl.’ I can practically hear him smiling over the line. He must have been waiting for this moment just as long as my mother has.
‘She’s asked that we all spend the summer with her in Sicily.’
‘Of course. We’ll make arrangements to come out as soon as school is out.’
‘Thank you, Dad.’
‘Now. Are you okay to talk to Joe? He’s about to come in.’
‘Ooh, yes please,’ I croak.
‘Hi, Mum!’ comes his sweet little voice.
‘Darling! How are you?’
‘We’re great, Mum. We miss you but we’re in good hands. Grandpa and Markus are hilarious.’
‘I’m so glad. How is football?’
‘We played our last game this season. And we won!’
‘I’m so proud of you!’ I chime. ‘Not because you won, but because you gave it your all!’
‘Thanks, Mum! Do you want to talk to Cassie?’
‘Of course!’ (I hadn’t dared ask.)
‘Okay, then. Bye, Mum!’
‘Bye, love, I’ll see you soon!’
And I wait for him to put Cassie on.
And wait.
‘Er, hello? Cassie? Cassie, are you there?’
‘I’m here,’ she says as if I’d been hollering into her ear for hours and she can’t stand the sound of my voice anymore.
‘Oh, hello, love. How are you?’ I ask tentatively.
‘Fine.’
‘How was the movie?’
‘All right.’
‘How’s school?’
‘Fine.’
‘And the girls, are they doing well?’
‘All right.’
‘Miss me at all?’ I venture.
I can hear her rolling her eyes. Okay, not true. She groans.
‘I miss you,’ I confess.
‘Right,’ she says.
‘Cassie?’
‘What?’
‘I know you’re angry at me for something. But remember that I love you. Very much.’
Again the groan. ‘Right. I have to go now.’
And that’s the end of that. No How are you doing? Are you feeling better? We miss you. Nothing. What does she care? Because I had decided to come out here in the end. What’s it to her how I am doing?
I am afraid that she will resent me for leaving for a long time to come, just like I still resent my mother, albeit the circumstances were different.
I’m also afraid that, being my daughter, she may have inherited my anger issues.
I’m almost always angry and I certainly don’t want my only daughter to be the same.
I don’t want her to be this sad, bitter person who will eventually sabotage her own life and happiness, not to mention that of those around her. I want her to be the opposite of me.
To get my mind off that call, I ring Markus’s phone.
‘Hey, you,’ comes his beloved voice over the Alps to caress my heart. ‘How’s it going?’
‘Meh,’ I confess. ‘Not too good.’
‘Talk to me.’
‘My mother’s just told me that she has cancer.’
He releases a long breath. ‘Jesus, Liv, I’m so sorry.’
I dash the tissue over my eyes and reach for a new one. Lucky I have a jumbo box with me. ‘She wants me, Dad and the kids to be in Sicily with her for the summer.’
‘I’ll sort out the flights for you,’ he offers.
‘Thank you. Do you… think you might be able to make it too? Even for a brief spell?’
‘I’ll be there, sweetheart. You can count on me.’
‘Thank you, Markus.’
‘I’ll see you soon, skat.’
*
‘So what’s on your mind today?’ Dr Severini asks me as I sink into his chair. ‘You seem different. Was it your mother’s presence last time that annoyed you?’
‘My mother has cancer,’ I blurt out.
‘Yes, I know. I’m so sorry.’
‘You knew?’
‘Well, Susan and I have been having our own sessions recently. We’ve spoken about her diagnosis several times.’
‘Right. So everybody here knew before me and—’ I rake a hand through my hair. I realise that I had no right to know anything about her as I haven’t spoken to her in twenty-two years. And now I’m paying the price. But I don’t intend to pay for my childhood for ever.
‘Perhaps this is a good time to start repairing your relationship,’ he suggests. ‘It’s not healthy to hold on to all this anger. If not for her, let go for yourself.’
If anything, I am all the more angry towards her, and myself, for all that has happened between us.
I am angry that it had to go this way. I am angry that she waited all this time to force me to speak to her by inviting me here.
She could have found a better place. And a better time.
I am angry all over again, period. But I can’t take it out on her anymore, of course.
It’s time to fight my demons head-on, by myself. So I get to my feet.
‘Dr Severini, I’m very sorry, but I won’t be coming back.’
‘Oh?’
‘I’ve finally realised that I can do this by myself. I know what to do now. Goodbye and thanks for the laughs.’
The look on his face? Priceless.
When I get back to my room, I flop onto my bed. So much for therapy being cathartic. In my case, it’s exhausting. All those feelings roiling around, threatening to come to the surface.
That’s when my mother knocks on the adjoining door.
‘Livvie, can I come in?’ she calls.
‘Yes,’ I answer, trying to stifle my tears.
She opens the door and pads over to my bed, sitting on the edge.
‘I am glad that I’ve told you the truth about my health.
I want to always be honest with you from now on.
I have so much apologising and explaining to do,’ she says.
‘And so much to make up for. I know that. I’ve known it for all these years, but I hoped that eventually time would relieve me of my sense of guilt.
’ She turns to face me more fully, her expression fearful but vulnerable.
‘But is there any way that you think that, as two grown women, we may reconnect once again? Can you really find it in your heart to forgive me, Olivia? Only now, seeing you as a grown woman, do I realise how much I’ve missed out on.
I have been so selfish. But I want to make amends for all the hurt I’ve caused you… ’
My eyes are suddenly flooded with tears and my throat is tight. Can I truly forgive the person who’s done me the most damage in my life? Can I forgive my mother? I wipe my eyes and nod.
Without a word, she spreads her arms and I fall into them, and we both sob inconsolably.
*