Chapter 21 #2
I shrug, debating whether to continue the I’m invincible charade or simply be honest. And then my mother’s words come back to me: Let yourself be vulnerable around her.
I sigh. ‘I’m frightened, Cassie. I don’t want to lose my mother now that I’ve only just found her again. And I feel guilty for not forgiving her.’
And then she wraps her arms around my middle. ‘I feel the same way with you, Mum. If you died…’ I can hear the words catch in her throat.
‘I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart. You’re going to have to put up with me for a very long time.’
‘You promise?’
‘Absolutely, darling.’
And we stay there like that for a long time. In her embrace I can feel the love that she has for me and that I have not felt for years now. And it’s like a broken dam, with all our emotions coming out in a torrent of tears and fierce hugs.
*
Once both children are asleep, I see Markus on the west terrace, admiring the sunset. He is standing away from me, his back straight with tension. I know it’s been tough on him, too. He is, alongside George, the backbone of this family.
He turns and sees me. ‘Hey, you,’ he says, opening his arms for me, and I’m in them like I was always meant to be there. It has been a day full of emotions, and now these open arms completely undo me and I am sobbing again.
‘She is ill and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t believe I’ve wasted so much time. I’ve been a real child. Everyone told me so. You told me, Dad told me, but I wouldn’t listen and now it’s too late!’
‘Hey…’ he whispers, taking my face in his hands. ‘It’s never too late. Your mum knows how much you love her. Mums have that sixth sense, you know?’
‘But I’ve been absolutely horrible to her!’ I cry inconsolably. ‘How could she possibly believe that I actually do love her?’
‘She just knows. Just like you know that Cassie loves you, despite her past behaviour.’
‘Okay,’ I whisper into his chest.
‘She’s missed you terribly, you know?’ he says.
‘Really?’
‘Oh yes. She became very needy, asking us for help with things that she normally does on her own, you know? It was due to your absence; it was so obvious. She realised she’d been taking you for granted.’
*
The next day, I spend all my time at my mother’s side while Markus is playing with Dad and the kids down on the beach.
From up here they look so tiny. Mum is sitting up in a wheelchair, a light sheet over her cast, and insists on being wheeled out onto the covered veranda facing the sea.
There is a round marble table out there and elegant wrought-iron chairs topped with thick white linen cushions that pale in comparison to the ones at Villa dei Respiri.
‘Would you like a glass of water, Mum?’ I ask as I reach for the carafe. There is also iced tea with real lemons and mint, but I can’t bring myself to touch anything. The night has not brought me peace and wisdom. If anything, I am even more afraid for her now.
She shades her eyes to look down at the kids on the beach who are now building sandcastles. She smiles. ‘Don’t mind if I do, chickie.’
I nod, determined to keep my eyes dry, and pour her a glass, holding it up to her.
‘I’m all right, I can drink on my own,’ she whispers.
‘I know,’ I lie, and let her take a few tentative sips.
‘Hmm, cucumber, my favourite,’ she says and we laugh.
I sit down next to her, my eyes scanning the glistening Mediterranean before us. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful in my life, and in that moment I wonder what her life here is usually like. Her days must be so serene, passed contemplating the beauty of the world from up here.
With a man that adores her, many friends, a beautiful villa in paradise, it’s easy to think that everything is always tickety boo. But now I realise that she was very troubled by leaving us the way she did, and by our subsequent lack of a relationship.
‘So… Markus,’ she says, nodding to him as he races the kids to the water’s edge to get some more water for their castles. We can hear their laughter all the way up here, so soothing at such a difficult time. Children do that. They soothe you when you need them the most.
‘Markus, yes.’ I’m not quite sure how to justify his presence, but I know that the kids will have banged on and on about him every time they came to visit.
‘I’ll be very happy to finally have a chat with this gem of a man,’ she whispers, winking at me.
I feel a surge of love and gratitude for Markus, for being my rock.
Wild horses wouldn’t have kept him from accompanying the kids and Dad.
I truly don’t know what I’d have done without him.
He’s like… the air I breathe. My family.
And I know I’m going to have to learn to lean on him less, and not be hurt as he leaves to live his own life.
One day he might get married, or move on and form his own company. And then I’ll probably never see him again. The thought terrifies me.
‘You know, Livvie, sometimes life throws us some bad stuff. But then, in a sort of fateful, chaotic way, it suddenly rewards us for putting up with it in the first place.’
‘Mmph…’ I say, eyeing her surreptitiously.
‘In the past few weeks, I’ve got to know you, the real you, Livvie. After I left you, you were so…’
‘Angry?’ I offer.
‘Yes. Of course I don’t blame you. I was the only one to blame. You were just a young girl and I renounced watching you grow. It’s criminal, and so many times I’ve told myself that the cancer was what I deserved for being such a shit mother.’
She looks at me, then looks away as her eyes fill up with tears.
‘I was a mess, mentally. Now I’m okay upstairs, but it’s my body that’s giving up on me.’ She snort-laughs. ‘You just can’t have it all, can you? Well, at least you are here. You all are. For the time being. It’s going to have to be enough.’
One thing is certain. I’m not going to leave her, not as long as she wants me here. We have spent too much time – years – apart, and all the while I fed myself a version of my mother that was incomplete. I want to get to know Susan Amore, the optimistic, beloved-by-all woman that she is today.