Chapter 25
Oh God. Oh, crap, crap, crap. She’s always been Daddy’s girl and will always take his side first before she takes mine. Not that she ever has taken mine, but still. She will never be able to understand.
Markus is rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. I know he wants everyone to know, but this is not how I’d envisaged my kids finding out.
‘Well, darling,’ I start. ‘Uncle Markus and I—’
‘I saw you kissing! Are you a couple?!’
‘Er—’ I falter. How can I deny that one?
‘Oh my God, I can’t believe it!’
‘Cassie—’ I stop short as she launches herself at me, and I brace myself. But then she throws her arms around my middle.
‘Finally!’ she shrieks. ‘I’ve been waiting for this for ever!’
‘You have?’ I ask, my eyes swinging to Markus as Cassie gives him a squeeze of his own.
‘Mum, come on! Even a total stranger could see you two have been in love for a very loooong time! I’m just so glad it’s finally happened!’
‘Me, too, Cassie,’ Markus says, his eyes gleaming.
I stare at her in awe. ‘I can’t believe you’re okay with this.’
‘Mum, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m a woman too, you know?’
‘Oh, I know, I know,’ I assure her, and I can’t help the small chuckle that escapes me.
‘I think that’s our cue to leave you two to talk, then,’ Markus says. ‘We’ll all be on the terrace if you need us.’
Cassie and I smile at each other. I sit on the settee and pat the seat next to me.
She comes willingly and rests her head on my shoulder, and it’s different and awkward and completely wonderful.
It’s almost too much, and I have to swallow a sob as I put my arm around her.
‘Thank you for understanding, sweetheart,’ is all I can muster.
‘Well, to be honest, Nana and I have been talking.’
‘Oh?’
Cassie shrugs as she begins to play with her bracelet. ‘I guess I never realised how much Dad was making you suffer. I never thought about you as, well, having your own feelings and struggles. I only think of you as my mum.’
I put both arms around her now, my throat like sandpaper. ‘That’s just fine with me, darling.’
‘No, it’s not, Mum. You’re a person. A woman with her own thoughts and fears and desires. Not just a meal dispenser and a maid.’
She is really starting to sound like my mother now. I am proud. Touched.
And then, she has a thought. ‘Does Dad know about you and Markus, then?’
‘Not quite. But just to be clear, sweetheart, your father and I were already over. I think we have been for a long time.’
‘Well, if you want my advice, tell him so you can get it all over with.’
I look at my daughter. ‘When did you suddenly grow up?’ I ask her, squeezing her even tighter.
I have the feeling Joe will be okay with this when we tell him.
Whereas Cassie has always been Daddy’s girl (as much as she could be to an almost absent father), Joe is my boy.
He and Simon have never talked about their feelings, whereas we are both well-tuned into each other’s thoughts.
I’m sure Joe already knows how special Markus is to me, and I think he’ll be happy to have Markus around even more than usual.
Of course, he might be too young to know all the ins and outs of my deepest desires, which is a good thing, but I think that he’s pretty much au fait with the people I love. And, even if I couldn’t see it, everyone around me has told me that the feelings between Markus and me are more than obvious.
‘Nana told me about your boyfriend, Mitchell.’
My mouth drops open a little, but I recover quickly. ‘Did she now? What else did she tell you?’
‘Lots of things about when you were my age. The dropping out of school and, the smoking…’
‘Cassie,’ I whisper. ‘I was going to tell you myself, when you were old enough to understand…’
‘It’s okay. I’ve been a right pain in the arse, I know that, and I’m sorry. But now I understand that you had it bad when you were a kid, and you deserve to be happy. So I’m happy for you. We love Uncle Markus.’
I can feel the tears threatening to spill over. Who knew Cassie was so wise beyond her years? ‘When did she tell you about my rebel years, then?’ I ask meekly.
‘A couple of weeks ago.’
There’s no point in denying anything now.
‘I remember what it feels like to be a teenager with no one to talk to. I was lost. I was lonely. And I was hurt. I’m sure you can relate to that, even if you have a much more ordinary family.
You say that teens are never heard or seen. Well, I was one of those unseen girls.’
Cassie is still watching me closely. ‘Is that why you did all that stuff? Why you went crazy? Because nobody would listen to you?’
‘Because I didn’t have a mother to guide me, darling. Of course, I had Granddad who was amazing. But I needed a woman’s guidance. Someone who would get me from the inside, you know?’
‘So you turned to Mitchell,’ she says. ‘Who loved you but apparently ruined your whole life.’
I smile. ‘No, sweetheart. Mitchell didn’t ruin my whole life. I made the wrong choices because I thought I had to be an adult. But I was still so, so young.’
‘My age?’ she asks.
‘Yes. But it’s different for you, Cassie. You have me. I had no one.’
‘So you made mistakes because you didn’t have your mum around to help you?’
‘That’s pretty much the gist of it. But let’s not dwell on that. I’m starting a new chapter now. We all are.’
She sits up a little straighter, and I can see the cogs turning behind her eyes. ‘Is that why you had those anger issues before you left for the spa? The dizziness? Everything?’
Again, I nod. ‘And that’s why I never want you to be angry with anyone without good reason. It can kill you on the inside, Cassie. It can take away your joy, your entire will to live…’
She sits in silence, thinking about it. Then she looks up. ‘I don’t want to be angry either, Mum. I never want to have to live another day in anger…’
‘Oh, sweetheart,’ I say, embracing her as she leans against me. She sobs and I quietly cradle her, rocking her like when she was a baby. This is good. I can feel all her tension unwinding. The pent-up anger and the false ideas are slowly dissolving with every catch of her breath.
‘C-can we talk… some more…? Even in the future? Even about you and Dad splitting up? And Uncle Markus?’ she squeaks against my chest.
I kiss the top of her head. ‘Of course, love. Always. Whenever you want, I’m here for you. Whatever you need.’
She hugs me tighter, and it feels so good. There will have to be a lot of soul-searching and mea culpas on my behalf, but I know I am on the way to getting my baby girl back.
*
‘How is Cassie?’ my mother asks me from her daybed. She has insisted on waiting for us under the canopy on the terrace, with a view of the sunset. She is paler than yesterday. The doctor says it’s due to the new round of chemo she’s just started.
‘She’s all right now. We talked. It’ll all be okay now…’
‘I wish I had been there for you too, Livvie,’ she whispers, a tear rolling down her cheek. ‘I wish I’d told you the truth about Aldo when you were a child…’
I take her hand. ‘Hush, Mum. It’s all in the past. I have a lot to make up for in my daughter’s eyes too, but it’ll all be okay. We’ll be a proper family now. You have nothing to worry about anymore.’
‘And Simon?’
I shrug. ‘Simon and I will be okay. Our goal is to do whatever’s best for the kids, but they understand that we can no longer stay married.’
‘And Markus?’
‘He loves me. And the kids already adore him.’
As if on cue, the family joins us under the canopy, one by one. Aldo puts his loving arms around my mother and kisses her cheek, winking at me. My father sits on a chair opposite us and Joe climbs into his lap. Markus comes to stand behind me and kisses the crown of my head.
‘Where’s Cassie?’ I ask softly.
‘I’m here, Mum,’ she whispers, coming to stand behind Markus and me, embracing us both.
‘Hey. Let’s take a selfie!’ Joe suggests, jumping to his feet to set Cassie’s mobile on the table facing us and rushing back to his seat. Once done, he starts taking more pictures of us, this weird, motley bunch that we are.
I smile and look around my new-found family as the sun begins its slow descent over the horizon. ‘You did it, Dad. We are finally all under one roof,’ I say.
Dad clears his throat and says, ‘I did, didn’t I?’ with pride all over his face. ‘It only took us twenty-two years, but here we are.’
‘Thank you, George,’ Mum says, smiling at him. ‘You’re my hero.’
For now, it’s only the middle of the summer.
We must live these precious, fleeting moments for as long as we have them.
Because life can be a pain, but it can also be so, so beautiful.
Life can be anything it wants. Life is precious.
Life is strong. I believe it now. Every day, whether bad or good, is still worth living.
As hopefully and as happily as we can. Together.