Chapter 4
four
. . .
Riley
When I made my way to the townhouse this morning, I had every intention of letting Emmy go. I didn’t want to, but I knew she didn’t belong to me. Now, though… I get to stay in her life. She’s not going anywhere.
The store delivered the crib midafternoon, and I laid her down for the night a few hours ago. Al watched as I read her a few books from the diaper bag, wrapped her in her sleep sack, and rubbed her back until she fell asleep.
He hovered.
All day long, he’s been letting me take the lead, his watchful gaze trained on me as if memorizing what to do. We started introducing solid foods in the last two weeks, right before everything went to shit, so he got to feed her a mashed banana with her evening bottle.
The more time they spend together, the more she warms up to him. And I wish I could say the same, but I don’t trust that he won’t change his mind and throw me out. He’d be well within his rights.
I lie in the guest room bed, staring at the unfamiliar ceiling.
Am I really doing this? Am I actually going to move cross-country, give up my job, my apartment, my independence, and become his nanny?
But when I think about what Carter would say if I abandoned her daughter with a virtual stranger… I know I have to. It doesn’t matter that Al is Emmy’s father. She’s my family, too. Hell, she’s all the family I’ve got.
Tears well in my eyes and I roll over to bury my face in my pillow.
It was always supposed to be me and Carter, the two of us against the world.
Now that she’s not here, I don’t know how I’m supposed to face it.
How do I charge into battle without her beside me?
How do I navigate life without my best friend?
I choke back a sob, the sound muffled by the pillow. It was supposed to be me who went first. I’m nobody, no one. She had a daughter. She had a purpose. I… don’t.
A tentative knock sounds on my door.
“Riley?” Al asks through the solid wood. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I call back. “Have a good night.”
He lets out a heavy sigh. “If you need to, like, talk or something…”
“I’m good.” A few stray tears escape my eyelashes, trailing down my face, and I hurry to wipe them with the back of my hand. “I’m fine.”
Silence stretches on the other side.
“Okay,” he finally says, before his footsteps recede. His steps are heavy as he thumps down the stairs.
I cry silently for a few minutes, letting myself feel all the emotions filtering through me. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach doesn’t go away, though.
Rolling over again, I try to push it from my mind and focus on nothingness.
But the negative thoughts keep flooding back. Maybe a glass of water will help. Throwing the covers off me, I climb off the bed and open my bedroom door. There’s no sound coming from Emmy’s room, and Al’s door is wide open, his room dark.
Light shines from downstairs, providing a warm glow in the stairwell as I pad down to the main floor.
Al is sitting on the floor, with a beer beside his knee while he puts together a bouncer.
Plastic pieces surround him, strewn across the floor, the instructions crumpled on the carpet.
A Grizzlies T-shirt stretches taut against his barrel chest, and his dark hair is tousled like he’s been running his fingers through it.
At the sound of my footsteps, he looks up, his gaze roving over me with frank appreciation on his face. He scratches at his bearded cheek, his eyes dark as they ping between my bare legs and my face.
No. Shut it down, Riley.
“Can’t sleep?” he murmurs, his voice hoarse.
I’m hyperaware of my mismatching sleep shorts and the oversized T-shirt I wore to bed. My nipples pebble under his inspection, and I cross my arms over my chest to hide the reaction.
“Never been able to sleep well in new places.” The side effect of being a foster kid, never knowing how long I’d stay in one place. Just once, I’d like to be able to put down roots. Find a place I can call my home. I almost thought I had it in Arizona, but I guess that’s changing, too.
“Me, neither.” He gives me a rueful smile. “Makes being on the road more challenging, that’s for sure.”
“How does it work?”
“Hmm?” He sets aside the bouncer pieces and reaches for his beer, taking a sip. Mesmerized, I watch as his throat works, and a shiver runs through me.
“Travel. The hockey thing.”
“All the games can’t be home games. That wouldn’t be fun for anyone.” He chuckles, clearly amused at his joke. “We’re on the road from the middle of September through April. Longer if we make the playoffs, which we have for the last few seasons. Do you watch hockey?”
“Not since the team moved to Utah.”
“Right.” Hurt creases his face, and my heart twinges in sympathy. I probably shouldn’t have reminded him.
The team traded him right before they changed owners and relocated. It must be difficult, knowing the franchise he spent three years with no longer wanted him, and on top of that, they don’t even exist in name anymore.
I know something about not being wanted. Lived that life my entire childhood, right up until I found Carter. We saved each other.
Fucking fuck, I miss her. My face falls, and tears cloud my vision again. Huffing under my breath, I wipe them away. I’m so fucking tired of crying.
“Can I get you anything?” Al asks. “Water, beer, tequila?”
My eyebrows dart up to my hairline. “Really?” I wouldn’t think athletes drink during the season, but what do I know? Maybe he’s able to drink because he works out so much.
He shrugs, nonchalant. “After the week you’ve had, I wouldn’t blame you if you need to take the edge off. Emmy’s asleep. You’re off duty.”
“In that case, sure, I’ll take a beer.” He goes to get up, but I wave him off. “I can get it. If I’m going to be living here, working here, you won’t be waiting on me hand and foot.”
“That’s true. There are only two left. They’re both for you, if you want them. I’m done after this.”
Moving through the small living room and even smaller kitchen, I take in the decor—or lack thereof—before grabbing a bottle from inside the fridge door and twisting off the top.
I’m not much of a light-beer fan, but my poison of choice—salted caramel, chocolate, and espresso gelato—isn’t available, so this will have to do.
Al has moved to the couch, and I sit at the opposite end, drawing my leg up as I face him.
“This is weird, right?” he says.
Unable to help myself, I burst into laughter. “Yeah, a little bit.”
“I don’t know you. I don’t remember your sister,” he continues. “And now I have a kid, and you’re living here, and we’re strangers.”
“It’s definitely not what I expected when I woke up this morning.”
“Me either.” His bashful smile reminds me he’s new to all this, too.
Just like I suddenly became responsible for Emmy the day of the car crash, he’s going through the same life-changing emotions of oh shit, I’m a parent now, too.
Although he probably isn’t grieving Carter on top of it all, especially if he can’t remember her.
“I’m still a little stunned, but I’m determined to make the most of this.
I wouldn’t be able to do this without your being here. ”
“You’re a hockey player. You have endless money. All you’d have to do is put out a call for a nanny and thousands of women would jump at the chance,” I counter.
“Yeah, but I don’t want them. Emmy knows you. You’re all she knows.” He swallows loudly. “She’s already lost her mom. I can’t take you away from her, too.”
“Thanks.” My voice comes out in a croak, and I clear my throat. “I didn’t want to leave her. When I thought I had to…”
Al reaches across the couch and sets his hand on my knee, drawn up on the cushion.
“For as long as you’d like, we want you to be around. There’s no end date on this, not if you don’t want. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be playing, but hopefully, it’s at least another decade. So I’ll need the help,” he says simply, then sighs. “And you’re her family.”
“Carter—”
He shakes his head. “We’ll talk about her another day.
Right now, the only words out of my mouth will be negative, and I don’t want to speak ill of the dead.
I’m so fucking angry at missing out on the last six months, for not knowing about any of this before today.
I don’t want to lash out. Not right now. ”
With an audible click, my jaw snaps shut, and I mull over his words before acquiescing. “Understood.”
“I have training early tomorrow and have to be at the rink by nine. I’m usually home by one for my pregame nap, and then I head back around three. After the game, we head straight to the airfield.”
“Okay.” It’ll be a long day for me, but I’ve been solo parenting for the last week, so a few more days isn’t the end of the world.
“We’re only gone for three nights, and then I’ll be back and we can figure out the new normal.”
“And call your agent.”
“Yeah. That, too. I’m guessing you have emergency custody, so we’ll have to figure out how transferring guardianship and all that works. Especially with the placement being in Arizona…”
“We’ll get through it.” My hand drops to his, still on my knee, and I squeeze it reassuringly.
“You said it yourself, I’m not going anywhere.
Between the two of us, we’ll get everything straightened out.
It’ll all work out. You’re the biological father.
I have temporary custody. As long as one of us has her, we should be fine. ”
A weak smile tugs at the corner of Al’s lips. “You’re right.”
As if he realizes he’s still touching my leg, he withdraws, and I notice the absence of his palm against my skin immediately. Funny how one innocent touch can make such a big difference.
“You’re going to make an excellent father,” I tell him quietly. “You’re doing everything right. I know it was a shock, and I know it’s probably not how you wanted it to happen, but you’ve jumped all in into this, and you’re going to rock it.”
“Thanks,” he says, just as soft. “You’re killing it, too. You’ve been doing this on your own for a week, and you’re not even her parent. I don’t know how I can ever thank you.”
“Just love her. Treat her right and love her.” My eyes well up again, and I blink a few times to clear them. “She’s pretty damn special.”
His eyes pin me to the sofa. “She is,” he whispers. “And so are you.”